T. G. I. Friday !!!

Good Stuff!

Did you know the human body is a machine that is full of wonder?

 

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were ...

• Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
  
• The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest
  is the male sperm.
  
• You use 200 muscles to take one step.
  
• The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
  
• Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
  
• A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
  
• A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
  
• The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
  
• The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
  Encyclopedia Britannica.
  
• It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
  stomach.
  
• The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
  
• Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of
  the liver than men with hair.
  
• At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single
  cell.
  
• There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
  
• Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon
  of water to a boil.
  
• The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
  
• Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
  
• When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do
  the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
  
• Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
  
• Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
  (Now I KNOW you are placing your thumb on your NOSE, aren't you?)
  

Okay,  I'm going to go exercise 200 muscles by going for a walk and when I get back, I'm going to wash the one trillion bacteria off my feet because of the 250,000 sweat glands and then I am going to measure my thumb against my nose in the mirror!   LOLOL ... I am wondering WHERE do they get this stuff?!!!

 

JUST FOR FUN ...

 

Only Great Minds Can Read This ...
Or So They Say At
Cambridge University ...

          

Can you read this?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


Being curious, I am wondering ...

Could you read it?


          


Just getting warmed up for a LONG weekend!
Hope you all have a SAFE holiday!

When Spirits Grow Wings

Recovery is a roller coaster ride.

 

I can remember being hurt and afraid and totally out of control which was probably the scariest part.  I didn't feel like I was in control of that time and it was perfectly clear that I had never been in control of anything else either, even when I thought I had been.  I felt like the brakes weren't working, I was picking up speed and going downhill fast!  It was scary!

 

It wasn't a leap of faith in the beginning.  It was like being pushed off a high cliff.  BUT it wasn't a literal fall.  It was a spiritual fall ... and our spirits live under different rules ... Our spirits are more resilient than we know.  Our spirits can bounce.  Our spirits can even fly!

No matter what an abuser does to our body ... No matter what games he play with our minds - even if he makes us feel as crazy as he is ...  No matter how he breaks our hearts ... NOTHING he did can destroy our Spirit.  Nothing.

Our spirit is attached to the divine.  Our spirit is breathed into us when we are born and it stays with us through life.  It belongs to us.  It is the very thing that helped us survive.  It is the quiet voice that talked us through whatever he dished out. 

It is the idea that comes to us in the middle of a runaway life and a free fall heart ... the idea that there just has to be something better.

If you have been abused or are being abused, you know exactly what I am describing ... you have had moments when you were rushing down the same slope and it was all you could do to hold on, free falling in the dark ...

You know my fear because you have felt it too. 

 

Survive.  Listen to your spirit.  There is more to life then that roller coaster ride.  You don't have to feel that kind of fear over and over again.  There is a way out.  You spirit already knows the way! 

 

Emerging from the shadows

Like a butterfly

Leaving the dark cocoon

to discover a new world

Full of flight and brightly colored flowers

Answered prayers

And

Realized Dreams

 

Did the butterfly know

That all that time in the dark ...

They were growing wings?

Did you know

That all the time you were in the dark ...

Your spirit was growing wings too?

 

Life did not end for us

When we were hurt.

That's when our new lives began!

That's where we found

A deeper hope,

A stronger faith,

And a kinder way to lead a more

Compassionate life.

 

The pretty little butterfly

Has a message for us all ...
Don't be afraid of the dark

When the dark comes.

That's the place

Where

Spirits grow wings.

  

Tags: healing, recovery, spirit

Gathering Myself

I was moving some books when a note fell to the floor ... Over the past few years, I have "found" old letters and notes ... tucked in a book or a folder where I left them.  I thought I had burned all those cards and letters.  I take their appearance as an opportunity for me to look back at where I was and gain even more perspective.  Most of the time, they just confirm that I have been on this road longer than I thought ... 

This was a note I had written to Aydan early in the relationship and way before he threatened me with a gun:



Hello Aydan,

This is important to me, and if it matters to me, it should matter to you.

You called me a WHORE once and I told you that it hurt.  You apologized, and the next time you needed a "handy weapon" in an argument, you pulled out that word again.  When I told you again that it hurt me, your only comment was to say, "Good, if it woke you up!"  It was a mistake for you to ever call me that in the first place, but everyone can make mistakes.  It was intentional the second time.  You knew it would hurt.  You did it anyway, and when confronted, you showed NO REMORSE!

I'm mad at you!

Your refusal to acknowledge you hurt me only means you'll hurt me again, if you think I needed another "wake-up" call!

My wake-up call is ... no matter what I like about you, you're still a JERK!  You called it honesty!  The only problem with that kind of "honesty" is I didn't grow up communicating that way and it hurts me deeply.

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that.  AND I can do better than you!

So yeah ... you woke me up!  You reminded me that no one has a good excuse to be bad ... that I came looking for someone who could care about me and express himself ... You expressed yourself, but I don't like the way you CHOSE to express yourself with me!

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that.  AND I can do better than you!

I'm sticking up for myself, because if I don't, who will?

 

I'm not a whore.  I'm better than that. 
AND I can do better than you!




When I started writing here, I thought all I had to do was tell people what I did and how I did it and they would follow me out of the dark ... That wasn't very realistic.  It ignores my own truth ...

• I was reading and had access to good information when I was being abused or I would not have found this note in that book.
  
• I seemed to have had my head on straight about some things.
  
• In spite of good information and a pretty good head on my shoulders, I decided to stay in an abusive relationship for almost two more years.

I was angry with myself for not seeing the truth sooner, but apparently I did see the truth and I chose to stay anyway!  I did what I did.  I knew Aydan would, or at least could, hurt me again and I stayed anyway!  I never trusted him and I stayed anyway!  I didn't introduce him to many people because I was always afraid he'd be a JERK!  He had already proven it to me.  I stayed anyway!  

I forgave myself for staying.  I forgave Aydan for being a JERK. 
I ACCEPTED that everything that happened ... happened for a reason. 

The truth alone wasn't enough to keep me away.  There had been warning signs.  I ignored them.  Things NEVER got better ... They only got worse and worse until it was time to GET AWAY!

I did get away!  All that good information finally left my head and took root in my heart where it became the foundation of my recovery!

I have a friend who took antibiotics BEFORE a surgery so that her healing would be faster and more complete.  All the things I have read before and during the "amputation of Aydan from my life" worked like antibiotics in my healing!  Even in the midst of all that chaos, there were some things already in place ...   

That note fell out of a book by Dr. Phil, who said:


FACT: Everyone of us, you included, has within us everything we will ever need to be, do, and have anything and everything we will ever want and need.

FACT: Your authentic self is there, it has always been there, and it is fully accessible to you.  You are not the exception to this fact.  There are no exceptions.

FACT: The self that now runs your life didn't just happen. 

FACT: Your fictional self is the source of wrong identity and wrong information.

FACT: Your life is not a dress rehearsal.

               (the facts are from SELF MATTERS by Dr. Phillip C. McGraw)


I wrote that letter in response to something Aydan had done years ago.  But, I tucked it into a book I was reading at the time ... only to find it years later in the same book ... where it illustrated EXACTLY that everyone of us already has everything we need.  How many times have I said during recovery, "If I don't stick up for myself, who will?"  It almost makes me laugh to think that Aydan was actually the first person I said that to!  I may not have been in touch with my authentic self all the time, but I see shades of her in that letter!  Instead of being angry that I didn't do this or didn't do that, I am thankful that my authentic self has always been here ...


FACT: Your authentic self is there, it has always been there, and it is fully accessible to you.  You are not the exception to this fact.  There are no exceptions.

Finding Healing In Lost Journal

Last week, I wrote about a sad chapter in my life.  I'd like to tell you "the rest of the story" because my story got better!

I don't remember much of the first few months after the gun.  I hid.  I stayed with friends, slept in recliners and sofas, even bathtubs, so I wouldn't have to go home because I was terrified that Aydan would come there.  When I try to remember that month, it is always a blur.  I hid.  I remember HURTING all over.  My muscles stayed tight and sore.  I felt sick at my stomach.  I didn't sleep and when I did sleep, I had nightmares.  I hid.  I was afraid to even go to the grocery store.  Public places scared me.  Loud noises freaked me out.  I locked and re-locked the doors and windows.  I'd go for walks in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep and I cried.  I cried a lot.

It felt like I spent a lot of time talking to law enforcement and lawyers.  I hated being called a victim.  I had no problem answering their questions.  It was my own questions that I couldn't answer.
 
I had started seeing a therapist and he suggested I write a journal.  

Last weekend, I found that first journal ... As I read through the entries back then, I smiled, thinking about the women who have written me and said, "I am happy for you but I am not as strong as you.  I will never be able to get to where you are."  If they could have only seen me when I wrote this ... lol ... I felt exactly the same way they did.

Back then, I couldn't have told you how I got where or I did or what I needed to do to stay safe, because I lived most days, one day at a time. 

Maybe, if I talk about what I felt back then, it might make it easier for you to talk about what you are feeling too?  Maybe, if you read about some of the things I felt, it will help you understand your sister, daughter, neighbor, friend who is in the middle of that dark place? 




I am understanding things a little more.  I need to let go of Aydan for good this time.  Holding unto him, or even the idea of him, hurts.  This isn't love.  This hasn't been love in a long time.  Maybe, this never was?  I can't do anything about the past.  It's over.  There is nothing to work on.  I need to work on the only thing I can do anything about ... me!

I read a book today that talked about pleasers.  It said,

"Pleasers let people run over them, rarely stand up for themselves, have a low self-esteem and are a sucker for the misunderstood controllers that will play them like a Stradivarius.  He will know what buttons to push and how to manipulate their emotions ... They let other people run their life, and whenever anything goes wrong, they readily take the blame even when it is not their fault.  They can't bear to disappoint anyone which makes them miserable."

It is weird to see my whole life defined in one easy paragraph, and weirder still to know that other people have felt the same way that I do or there wouldn't be a book about it!




I have been reading about co-dependency.  I can see that I have been co-dependent ... in my thinking and my choices.  Maybe, I don't just need to recover from this one bad relationship?  Maybe, I have to recover from a whole lifetime of bad choices ... because they all brought me to this place?




Today, I worked on a list of things I will not do:

• I will not automatically say yes to every request.  I will take time to decide if it's something I really want to do.
• I will not respond to flattery or criticism.  I will recognize that either is more about the other person than it is about me.
• I will not waste anymore time seeking approval from other people.  I have to be who I am because there is only one me.
• I will not waste anymore time trying to help/fix/change other people.  They have to walk their own road and learn their own lessons. 
• I will not engage in rescuing "lost souls", but encourage them to be the heroes in their own lives.
• I will not give in to guilt trips from myself or anyone else!
• I will not be afraid to confront exploitative behaviors against me or my loved ones.
• I will not stop learning from the people I meet, the things I do or the places I go.  Everything can be an opportunity to learn something new. 
• I will not try to run away from my own pain by engaging in addictive behaviors.  There is no pill, no drink, no magic cure.  I can feel pain and be okay. 
• I will not give up.

I wrote a poem ...




Today was a good day.
I made myself think of something else

every time I thought of him.

I thought I saw him on the street.

My heart beat fast with fear
and then, my heart sank a little

when I realized it wasn't him.

It will NEVER be him again!

I loved him more after he left
Than I ever loved him
When he was here!

 

I missed him today,

But not as much as yesterday

and
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

 

Maybe,

another strategy,

another coping skill,

another way to take care of me?

 

Because ... Thank God ...

It will NEVER be him again. 




I wrote another poem ...




I'm missing
a man

that never existed

 

a man

that he never was

a man
I imagined him to be

He was

like a child's imaginary friend
BUT

I am not a child

and

It's time to put away

childish things.

 

 

I have spent too much time feeling guilty about the way I left things with Aydan.  I always took "great pride" in leaving people better that when I found them.

HELLO !!! 
Aydan broken every heart he ever held, and then, found a way to blame it on the ones he hurt.
He doesn't expect anyone to care about him ... before, during or after the relationship because he knows who he really is!




I read a book, OBSESSIVE LOVE - WHEN IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LET GO by Susan Forward, PhD. 
She described the cycle:
The more the woman reproaches herself, the less confidence she has.

The less confidence she has, the more powerless she feels.
The more powerless she feels, the more passive she becomes.
The more passive she becomes, the more she tolerates inappropriate behavior.
The more she tolerates inappropriate behavior, the more she reproaches herself ...
(and it starts all over again)

A coping skill that will work:
If I want to get over a heart breaking relationship, with as much speed and as little pain as possible, I need to do this - Every time he comes into my thoughts, I will pray as sincerely as I can for his highest good.  Amen.
God will take care of the rest.




Love is a good thing.  Good love involves exchanging respect, affection, time and support with someone special.  It feels good.  When rough spots develop, the two parties work them through.

The harsh truth is that there are those among us who don't love.  And when they pretend to, at our expense, it's painful to the rest of us.  They pretend to love because they know we'll love them back and they like the way it feels when we adore them and struggle to make a relationship with them work.  It makes them feel special.

One day, we look up and realize we're the ones putting in all the respect, affection, time and support while they take it as well-deserved worship and hold out their hands for more.

In rough spots, good people look toward the goal of working it out and growing in understanding.  People like Aydan would rather dump the relationship and start fresh with someone else (who he will eventually dump too).

Women only exist for men like that to reassure him that he's as perfect as he wants to be.  If a woman finds something imperfect and says so, then she isn't doing her "job" and she may need to be replaced by someone a little weaker and a little more troubled because healthy women defend themselves and he would hate that!

Women can expect punishment, threats of abandonment, accusations and contempt because that is what he does.  My experience was to expect ...

• wild chaos
• mind games
• increasing demands 
• conflicts
• unpredictable moods
• punishment
• emotional abuse 
• insults
• devaluation
• blaming
• excuses 
• criticism
• sadistic put downs
• rage
• obscenity
• name calling
• cliche insults
• selfish behavior
• temper tantrums
• childish reactions 
• cold indifference
• physical abuse

... and every one of those behaviors are the "products of a disordered personality"!




He always said he was "just being honest",

but honesty isn't a virtue if it's cruel. 

It's just cruelty.




Every time he criticized me ... Every time he called me a name ...

he was screaming his own truth at the top of his lungs. 

Every single thing he said about me turned out to be true about him!




I am disconnected from him.
I don't want to talk to Aydan.
I don't want to see him.
I wouldn't dare go anywhere near his house!  He still has guns!
I want to stay disconnected. 
I think it will be interesting to wait and see what Aydan will do.
I will learn a great deal aboutwhat kind of a man he really is by what he chooses to do on his own.

I like being disconnected.




No matter what Aydan does or what he says,
I will choose DIGNITY.
He never knew how classy I can be but he is about to find out.




The gun was a mistake.
Aydan's actions since then have been
weak and fearful

unintelligent

unkind

unwilling to learn from his mistakes

prideful

vengeful

harsh and hateful

My reactions had to be different.
When he lost control,
I was forced to act calm.

When he challenged and threatened me,

I was forced to stand up for what I believe in even if it cost me my life.
From that moment, I have ...

searched for answers

looked for meaning in what happened

mourned

took responsibility for my part in what happened
forgave him and myself

held him accountable for his bad behavior
grew stronger
out grew him




People either will love me or they won't.
It doesn't matter how much I value them
if they don't value me too.
No matter what I said or did,

nothing was ever good enough.
It wasn't then.  It wouldn't be now.  It never will be.
Accept it.
Forgive it.

Let it go.

Move on.

Someone wants me just the way I am ...
or
They will need the woman I am becoming.
I will keep learning.
I will keep growing.
All of this has happened for a reason.
God is using the good and the bad to bring me

exactly to where He needs me to be.




Today ... 

I firmly place the future of this situation in the hands of the

One who was always in control anyway. 

Thank you Lord, for your continued protection and guidance. 

Thank you for surrounding me with peace until I am calm enough to feel it. 

Thank you for healing the hurt and pain that laid so heavily on my heart.

Thank you for the things you are teaching me each and every day.
Thank you for loving me and teaching me to love me too.
Amen.
 

 

I am glad my story didn't end.  I am glad that I woke up to myself and the world around me.  I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the path I have walked since then.  I am not the same woman I was.  I am better! 

I did have a few advantages.  I never lived with Aydan.  I was not financially dependent on him.  He didn't have any influence on my friends or family.  He couldn't threaten my children, although he tried to control me in all those ways.

Every woman has different things to consider. 

I know one woman whose husband took the phone with him to work and disabled her car so that she could not leave the house during the day.  She was literally a prisoner.  Planning her escape was like planning a jail break!  But she did break "out of jail" and she found more strength every time she did something on her own.  She said she didn't know where she got the strength or how she even thought of some of the things she thought of, but she did!

I know another woman who had NO MONEY.  She told me that she literally saved a dollar here and a dollar there until she had enough money to get away and start a new life.  I wish I could have photographed her face as she told me her story.  Her eyes sparkled when she described finding hope.  Her face was the face of courage and peace.

My biggest hurdle was that I didn't want other people to know, but since I had no control over other people finding out, I decided to be completely open about what happened to me.  I spoke to my friends and family first.  Do you know what happened?!!!  Most of them had thought something was wrong and they were relieved to know the truth.  They were supportive and caring.  They never thought I was nearly as perfect as I thought I had to be!  They took care of me, which was a new thing for me.  I always thought it was MY JOB to take care of everybody else!  Being vulnerable with the people that I love and who love me gave them permission to be vulnerable with me too!  I had some of the neatest conversations of my life with people I thought I already knew.  It turns out that not only had I not known myself, but I had no idea how wonderful my friends and family are!

I love hearing stories about survivors.  Each one of us is a celebration of life!  We are miracles.  We are our own happy endings.  We are our own heroes.

You can be your own hero too!

Tags: Healing, Journal, Poetry, Recovery, Abuse, Domestic Violence

Remembering Sidewinder

 

 

 

 

Loss ...

 

 

Four years ago, I used to get on the computer
and go into the only nice chat room on aol.
I didn't talk much.
I was too scared of attracting attention.
I wanted to be close to people but not too close
so I sat quietly in front of the computer screen
and
watched new friends meet and old friends chat.

 

 

Sometimes, someone would come in the room and be a jerk
for no reason that I could see other then he was a jerk.
There was a guy in there named Sidewinder.
Side always knew what to say to put the bully in his place
and change the subject back
to what it had been
and lightened the mood of the chat room.

 

 

I never even talked to him but he always made me feel safe ...
When Side was there,
we all knew Side would take care of things.
This week, I heard that Sidewinder died.
I never even knew his real name
but I cried
the same as if he was family.

 

 

Maybe, Side knows what I never even said ...
that he touched my life
at a time
when I was too broken to even speak
just by being
the good man he was ...


Thank you, Sidewinder,
for being a good friend to many.

You will be missed.
 

 

Loss ...

Taking A Moment To Give Thanks

 

My healing and recovery started four years ago today!  And I do feel like celebrating!!!  In some ways, four years doesn't sound like a long time at all. For me, it feels like a lifetime has been earned!

When I talk about abusers and victims, it is mostly from my own experience, the books I have read and the work I have done.  This week, I found an old journal while looking for something else.  I started reading and realized, one more time, how much my thinking and my life has changed.

As I read through the entries back then, I smiled, thinking about the women who have written me and said, "I am happy for you but I am not as strong as you.  I will never be able to get to where you are."  If they could have only seen me when I wrote this ... lol ... I felt exactly the same way they did!  Even though victims experience a LOT of the same things, it was four years ago for me, and of course, I will sound strong ... NOW.

I thought it might be helpful to share some of that time ... I won't share everything.  Some days, I could barely write one sentence that made any sense.  It is taking me some time to type out those entries but I will.  Maybe, if I talk about what I felt back then, it might make it easier for others to talk about their feelings too?  Hope so.

While I'm doing that ... please allow me a few moments to feel thankful ...

Sometimes it's good to look at where we have been so we can see how far we have come!

I remember ...

• Wondering what happened
• Feeling hurt and confused
• Blaming myself 
• Walking on eggshells 
• Feeling nervous most of the time
• Making excuses for his bad moods
• Justifying his bad behavior 
• Appetite Loss 
• Not being able to sleep 
• Feeling afraid
• Pretending nothing was wrong
• Feeling Isolated 
• Feeling embarrassed 
• Being afraid to tell anyone
• Not thinking anyone would understand 
• Worrying about what people would think
• Thinking no one would understand
• Feeling trapped 

I remember ...

Do any of those things sound familiar to you?

Any similarity between my story and someone else's is actually one of the strange coincidences about abusers ... abusers seem to call us the same names ... treat us all in the same way ... play the same dirty tricks ... I think they are similar because, when each of them thinks of the worst thing they can do, they all scoop from the bottom of the same barrel. 

I served my time in hell.  I fought my way out.  I did the work.  I SURVIVED!  I got past the abuse by moving forward ... through the dark to the other side. 

I was blessed to have the support of really good people that believed in me.  One of the most supportive people then and now was Joey.  He never let me give up.  Choosing to walk with someone through such a dark place is a story in itself.  I am mentioning it now because neither of us would want anyone to think that Joey was the man who abused me!  When I decided to make my story public to reach more people, Joey and I talked about things that were important to us.  We agreed that what we both have learned could help other people who are still out there.  

I know you are out there.  I know you are scared.  I know you don't know what to do.  I know he tells you that you are no good.  He blames you ... saying that everything is all your fault.  I know that he keeps everything so confusing that sometimes you don't know which way is up.  I know it feels like being lost in the dark.

I don't have all the answers.  I'm just one woman ... who found a way out of that dark place.  I don't care what other people think!  I know some people won't understand.  I know some people don't want to believe abuse happens because they are still in denial ... Maybe, they were abused?  Maybe, they are abusing someone else?  Maybe, they have turned their back on a sister or a friend because the abuse was just too hard to watch?  How people react isn't always about me or you. 

I remember, in the beginning, I just wanted someone to hear me.

I hear you.  I believe you.

I'm sending help in the only way I know how.  I'm sending you the words that helped me heal.  I'm sending you the wisdom of people much smarter than me.  I'm not judging you or telling you what to do.  I'm sending you love and prayers and encouragement.  I want you to know ...  

There is a way out!

It doesn't matter how you got here.  It doesn't matter what your abuser says!  He is WRONG!  You are a good person.  You have a big heart and so much to give. You don't deserve the abuse!  It's not your fault!  Sweetie, it never was!  

We'll talk about how you can stop the abuse in your life and get your life back ... Until then, no matter what ...  

Take Care Of YOU!

Tags: abuse, healing, thankfulness, you are not alone, there is hope, lost in the dark

My Final Escape

In the past four years, I have read a lot of books that recommended a safety plan or an organized means of escape.  I do think it's good to have a plan, but sometimes, when your choice is to live or not live, there is nothing to do ... but RUN BABY RUN !!!


I drove out of Aydan's driveway so fast, I almost wrecked the car when I turned unto the main road.  I was crying so hard, I almost overshot the first stop sign and swerved off the road twice.

I kept going ... I was absolutely terrified.  I was afraid Aydan might follow me so I drove as fast as I could away from his house.  About 10 minutes down the road, my cell phone rang.  I nearly jumped out of my skin! 

I flipped the phone open and saw it was him.  I hesitated ... and realized if he was on the phone from his house, he couldn't follow me, so I took the call. I was crying so hard, I couldn't talk, and my ear was still ringing so I couldn't make sense out of anything he said. 

I took another turn too wide and skidded on the gravel shoulder.  My driving was all over the place!  I thought about my kids and the thought of them gave me a little bit of strength.  I needed to get it together.  I snapped the phone closed, tossed it on the passenger seat and put both hands on the wheel.  I needed to concentrate on the road.  I had driven this road a hundred times or more ... nothing new ... calm down ... I'm going to be okay ... calm down ... breath ... 

The phone rang again when I was on the Interstate.  I took the call.  It was Aydan again.  I listened to him and I cried.  I said, "I'm sorry I even came over there today.  I was worried about you.  I wanted to find some peace for both of us, but obviously, that isn't ever going to happen!" 

He said, "I want you.  I want us to get through this.  I know I have too much anger.  It scares me too.  I need to get my head together.  I love you, Taylor ..." 

I had been crying through most of the conversation, but him saying he loved me after what had just happened made no sense.  The idea of it pushed me back from the edge and I said, "Aydan, people don't hold guns on people they LOVE." 

The sentence hung there for a moment, suspended between the two of us.  It lasted only a few seconds, but I knew my heart had turned a corner.  I knew I would never go back and I knew my life depended on it.  

Aydan broke the silence, "I'm sorry, Taylor.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  You didn't deserve any of that.  I didn't mean any of those things.  They weren't true ..." 

It didn't matter what Aydan said.  His actions had already said it all.  I ended the conversation somewhere near my house.  I drove up to my house, parked there, and realized I was a "sitting duck" if Aydan decided to come over.  I started the car back up and drove around my neighborhood for hours, listening to music and replaying the night in my mind.  I wondered what would happen to me?  I wondered what I was supposed to do next?  At 3 or 4 in the morning, I was too tired to worry about much of anything anymore.  I drove by my house 3-4 times to make sure that no one was there and when I was pretty sure no one was, I drove up the driveway, parked the car, and let myself in the house.  I disarmed and armed the alarm system.  I was home.  I undressed in the dark.  I just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.  I'd worry about what to do tomorrow ... 

The next morning, I had an e-mail from Aydan:

"Nothing is right.  I am not happy.  You are not happy.  We both are too busy defying each other to appreciate each other.  I want things done without having to ask, and you do too.  I no longer trust you.  I no longer believe you.  I am sorry.  I can't see you this way.  Things that needed to happen didn't, and the things that shouldn't have happened did.  I am sorry.  It's all my fault.  Love, Aydan"

Later that day, I called an old friend of mine with the sheriff's office.  I told Sgt. B what had happened and asked him what I shoulddo?  What could I do to make myself safe?  He encouraged me to report Aydan. 

I said, "That will just make him more angry!"  

Sgt. B said, "Well, maybe so, but he might get more angry anyway and law enforcement can't protect you if they don't know what's going on.  Why didn't you go to the county last night?"  

"I was too scared.  This is embarrassing.  What will people think?  This kind of thing isn't supposed to happen to people like me!  I volunteer with victims.  I should be smarter than this.  I don't think I could stand to talk to some know-it-all rookie, fresh out of the academy, lecturing me about life!"

Sgt. B said, "Taylor, don't be so hard on yourself.  You would be surprised who this happens to.  It's more common than you think.  Just because you have worked around people who have been abused doesn't mean you are immune to being abused too.  It's wrong for anyone to threaten anybody with a gun.  That's why it's against the law!  WHO YOU ARE and what you do is even more reason to stand up for yourself.  You stand up for other victims.  Stand up for you.  We need you, Taylor, and we need to keep you safe ..."  Sgt. B was being so kind and I knew he was telling me the truth.  I did have to stick up for myself, no matter how embarrassing it was.  Sgt. B knew me well enough to know I agreed with him.  "Let me see who's at the desk and I'll call you back." 

I hung up the phone and held the phone in my lap, looking at it like it was supposed to tell me what to do.  If I reported this, everyone in town would know.  Embarrassing.  I sure wish there was another way.  The phone rang.  It was Sgt.  B.  "I talked to Jensen.  Jensen is a good guy.  I told him you were a good friend of mine and asked him to take care of you.  Take a girlfriend with you if it helps, but go in, okay?" 

"Okay ... Let me make some calls.  I'll go in."

I called a couple of friends.  I would stay with a friend that night.  I called another girlfriend to go with me to the station.  I packed some clothes ... some toiletries ... How hard could it be?  I couldn't do even the simplest task!  I must have packed and repacked 3 or 4 times ... I loaded the car, got my dog and headed out to a friend's, thinking that Aydan would be getting off work soon and I needed to be somewhere else before he got off work.  

I met my friend at the police station.  I had been there a lot of times with other victims, but that was the first time as a victim.  It was different from the victim's side ... I filed the initial report.  They took pictures. 

Jensen went out to Aydan's house himself.  Aydan was arrested and charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature.  Jensen called me after the arrest to tell me that Aydan had been arrested, "We took him to the jail a little bit ago.  You did the right thing.  When I asked him if he had any idea why you were so scared, Aydan said, 'Well, I probably scared her when I waved that loaded gun around.  I'm going to speak to the judge before I leave and make sure that he knows the whole story.  Don't worry.  We'll take care of you."  



I smiled.  Sgt. B had said Jensen was a good guy.  Jensen didn't have to call me and he didn't have to stay and talk to the judge, but Sgt. B had asked him to take care of me.  I felt relieved.  I went to sleep.  When they gave Aydan his one free phone call, he called my house! 

The message on the machine was:  "Hey, I'm at the jailhouse ... it's um ... (directions) ... and I'm going to need some help getting out ... so ... Maybe I can contribute something to charity later if you get me out?  I appreciate it.  It's three in the morning ... uh ... I'll be processed within the hour (long pause) This is my only phone call.  Thank you."

Did he really think the person who had him arrested would come and bail him out?  Does that make any sense?  It didn't to me, but apparently, lots of women report their boyfriends, husbands or partners and a few hours later, they are exactly the same ones to go pick them up ... not me!  I didn't want Aydan to go to jail, but I was too afraid to go anywhere near him.    

Aydan was ordered not to talk to me, AS IF acourt order would stop him from doing what he wanted to do!  He had two of his friends call me. 

They told me Aydan was beside himself with grief ... that he wanted all of this to be over so he and I could get married! 

What a lie!  I asked them WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 

Give me a break.  A week before, Aydan had said he hated me and wished I was dead and now, he's telling his boss and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and he wanted us to "work everything out"?!!!  I've had some bizarre proposals and propositions before, but that one took the cake! 

I told them there wasn't anything I could do about a felony charge between the state and Aydan, and even if there was something I could do, I'm not sure I would.  I told them I wasn't the first woman Aydan had abused, but maybe, this would cause him to get some help and I might be the last?

I didn't pay too much attention to what any of his friends said.  I didn't give too many details to my friends.  It was hard to talk about. 

It was hard to wrap my brain around the idea of anyone pointing a gun at anyone else, especially someone they knew and claimed to love!  I had grown up with guns my whole life.  The first rule was to NEVER even point a gun at someone else.  I called my Dad and asked him what would happen if someone shot a watermelon (my head) from 8 feet with a shotgun?  Of course, I hadn't told Dad the whole story so he would have no way of knowing how much it scared me when he said, "What watermelon?" 

I kept asking myself over and over again ... WHY?

 

THE BIG WHY???

Why did he think he needed a gun?
Is he hurting too?  Is he sorry?  Does it matter?
Would it change anything?
  

THE ANSWER

What we are meant to know
will be revealed to us
without any effort on our part.
We will know what we need to know
when it's the right time,
when we are strong enough
and usually
when the answer can't hurt us anymore.

 

Now, I know that Aydan went to get the gun because nothing else he did was getting my attention.  He was losing control over me and that IS a crime punishable by death, in his mind.  He considered me HIS property.  How dare I abandon him!  Who did I think I was? 

In fact, shades of those feelings show in HIS description of that night.  He glosses over screaming at me, hitting me, holding the gun to my throat and threatening my life by saying that "he came into the room and handed me the gun and told me to shoot him or leave.  I chose to leave!"  What a JOKE!

Does Aydan know that what he did was wrong?   Yes.

Will he ever admit it to anyone else?   No.

Was he ever going to kill himself?   No.  He loves HIMSELF too much. 

Is he sorry?   NO.  He probably still thinks he sure showed me!

Did he "just lose control"?   NO.  He never let go of the gun once, and was in control enough to caution me that I could accidentally fire the gun and shoot a neighbor. 

Did he black out, as his friend suggested?   NO.  At no time did he lose consciousness. 

Were his actions calculated and planned?   MAYBE.  I didn't think so, but I read something much later that has caused me to wonder:

Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit.
 
Could that be true?   Maybe.  Aydan had threatened "to shoot me if I ever ... (pick something ... it changed daily) ..." way before he walked in the room with the gun.  I never took it seriously.  Only a week before, he had described the way he would like to kill Joey, down to the gun he'd use and where he'd park.  Who could be serious about a thing like that?  At least, that's what I told myself back then.  Since then, I have learned that Aydan has threatened other women with guns before ...

Maybe, he was more calculating than I thought?

I don't think I will ever know the whole truth about that night.  After all this time, it doesn't really matter.  Maybe, the answer is just ... Snakes strike.  Mean dogs bite.  Abusers abuse.

Aydan is what he is.  He never understood what the big deal was?  But ...

A game of cat and mouse
is much different
for the cat than it is for the mouse!

I learned something that most policemen, lawyers and judges already know.  Abusers and most other criminals never think they did anything wrong!  Let me give you an example:  If you have been abused ... Did you ever call 911 when things got too crazy?  Did you ever notice how calm he got as soon as the police got there?  Did you notice that no matter how bad it was, it only took him seconds to recover and blame the whole thing on you?

Aydan did blame everything on me ... and lack of sleep ... and drinking too much ... and any other excuse that popped into his head.  No one, even his closest friends, believed him.  Behind his back, they told me he was a hothead, a coward, a nut.  My friends agreed.  They were all right.

It wasn't my fault!

If you are being abused, it's not your fault either.  I know he tells you that no one will believe you, but that's not true.  Everyone already knows the TRUTH.


(to be continued)

Tags: abuse, domestic-violence, escape, run-baby-run, helaing, recovery, court, police-can-protect-you

The Gift Of Survivorship

66% of all people
KILLED
by an intimate
partner are
SHOT by a GUN.

 

I said yesterday that there are some endings, so horrible, that they change us.  They change the way we live the rest of our lives and they change the way we look at the world and everyone in it.

I used to think I was bullet proof, that nothing bad could ever happen to ME.  I learned that in my darkest hour, God heard my prayer.  When my life became an answered prayer, I committed the rest of my time to reaching more victims, to plant seeds of hope, to loan them courage until they find their own strength. 

I didn't learn how to survive in a book or a classroom.  I fought my way out of that place, and along the way, I met other survivors.  Collectively, survivors have blazed a trail big enough for others to follow.  

Survivors aren't afraid to stand up and say publicly that we were abused, or that abuse is real and it is still happening.  Talking about it ... shedding light on why and how it happens ... only makes it easier for other victims to come forward.  Increased public awareness has lead to more reports, more arrests, more convictions and stiffer penalties.  Most abusers only change their behavior when they are faced with the possibility of punishment or public censure.

I have told my story to hundreds ... maybe, even thousands of women by now ... always in the hope that they will see or hear something ... and follow my lead by GETTING AWAY from the abuse, whatever that might mean for them.

I was mortified at being chased out of someone's life like a stray cat or dog.  I was embarrassed to tell anyone that someone like me had ended up with someone like him!  It was very humbling to admit I had made such a bad decision and such a poor choice. 

Everyone else in my life saw the truth long before I did, but it doesn't really matter anymore.  I am grateful that I saw the truth before the lies killed me!


REALITIES ABOUT ABUSERS  (the TRUTH)

• He is controlling.
• He feels entitled.
• He twists things into their opposites.
• He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
• He confuses love and abuse.
• He is manipulative.
• He strives to have a good public image.
• He feels justified.
• Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
• Abusers are possessive.
  

Look at that list! 

 

Not exactly material for a personal ad or a profile on the Internet, and yet, abusers do describe those traits, disguised as something else, of course.  Abusers speak their own kind of code.  Here is how an abuser would describe those traits in a personal ad or an on-line profile:

controlling = he would say he is confident and in charge.

       Your girlfriend would say, "What is he in charge of?"

entitled = he would say he is looking forward to living the life he deserves in a personal ad.  Another phrase I have seen on profiles is, "looking for a good woman who will finally make me happy."  Aydan told me once that he was surprised that his friend gave his motorcycle to his father instead of Aydan. 

       Your girlfriend would say, "What has stopped him

       from living that life before now? 

       No other woman has ever made him happy and you

       are going to try? 

       Good luck with that! 

       Why would anyone give him a 10,000-dollar motorcycle?"

 

twists things to their opposites = he would call himself an original thinker, a maverick, or even a genius.
        Your girlfriend would say, "Why are you listening

        to this guy?"

 

disrespects partner and considers himself superior = he would see himself as having to teach, mentor or advise.  He would refer to himself as a prodigy, a scholar, an expert, or again, a genius.  He will be the hero in every story he tells you.  He will describe his exes as idiots, liars, cheaters, bitches or even whores, and when you are his ex, you will be those things too.
        Your girlfriend would say, "How could he ALWAYS be

        right and everyone else ALWAYS be wrong?"

 

confuses love and abuse = he wouldn't ever express confusion about anything openly but he will say "I love you" and anything else he thinks you want to hear way too soon.
        Your girlfriend would say, "He said what?"

 

manipulative = he won't name his best card.  He'll just play it.  If he thinks you will respond to him being an under dog, he will be an under dog.  If he thinks you are looking for adventure, he'll be the bad boy.  If he thinks you are looking for an intelligent man, he will talk about books he's read, and things he has studied.  If he is talking to you on the Internet, he can Google anything and sound very smart.  If he thinks you are into travel, he will talk about all the places he'd like to take you.  Girlfriend, here's your reality.  YOU will be the one that ends up paying for his cure, his motorcycle, his next adventure, books, studies and travel and you will think it is YOUR idea!  Manipulation is his BEST card.
        Hopefully, your girlfriend will freeze your bank account

        and cut up all your credit cards cause you are about to

        be taken for a ride!

 

strives to have a good public image = he will brag about things he has done "for the good of all mankind out of the generosity of his heart".
        Your girlfriend will say, "He said what?" 

feels justified = NO MATTER WHAT he has ever done, good or bad, he will have a good reason for why he did it, even when his reason is FANTASTICALLY RIDICULOUS.  He really believes you are too dumb to know the difference anyway.
        Your girlfriend will say, "He said what?" 

  

deny and minimize abuse = he will describe his previous relationships as liars (just in case you meet them and they tell you the truth about the "tiger in your tank").  He will make it sound like he was the one who was abused and mistreated. 
Aydan hit me and then said he didn't hit me ... that I turned into his fist!  Aydan shoved me down to the floor once and then tried to pass it off as a self-defense class!  He told me once that another girlfriend had run over him with her car.  Later, she told me that he jumped unto the hood of her car, trying to stop her from leaving.  I believe her because he did the same thing to me.  If he isn't friends with even one of his exes, there's probably a very good reason those women won't speak to him.
        At this point, your girlfriend is planning your intervention

        and wondering what you see in that Loser?

 

possessive = this is easy for me to spot now, but I never noticed it when he referred to everything as HIS.  He called the drummer in the band: HIS drummer in HIS band.  He referred to everything like it was HIS property, because that is how he sees it ... and whether you know it or not, you are HIS property too.
        This is where you need to introduce him to every guy

        friend you have. 

        Guys see right through other guys. 

        Listen to your friends!

 

As many times as I talk about this, I know there will be women who say:

"Sure, things get out of hand once in a while but ..."

... It's my fault.
... I talked back to him.
... I shouldn't have provoked him.
... I burned supper.
... I was late getting supper.
... I forgot to pick up his suit at the dry cleaners.
... I forgot to mail the check.
... I bothered him at work.
... He hates his job.

... He is starting a new business.
... He's under a lot of pressure at school, at work, at church,

    with his family ... and as soon as that's over, he'll be fine.

... He hasn't been feeling well.

... He's trying to quit smoking.
... He's on a diet and it makes him crabby.

... His medication is messing with him.

... He hasn't been sleeping very well.
... He had a bad childhood.
... His last relationship was really bad and he is having a hard

    time trusting again.

... I love him.

... He needs me.
... You don't understand him.
... You don't know what he's been through.
... You don't know him like I know him.

... He isn't like that ALL the time.
... What would I do without him?

I could say a great big loud ...
"OH REALLY?"
... but it wouldn't change one thing about where that woman is right now.  I have been there.  I didn't want to give up.  I wasn't a quitter ... until one day ... the abuse went TOO FAR.


Some women will say, "Sure, my guy has a temper but he would NEVER ..."

... hit me

... hit me in the face

... push or shove me

... force me to have sex with him against my will
... rape me or threaten to rape me
... get me pregnant so I won't leave

... beat me with a weapon or threaten to beat me with a

    weapon
... cut me or threaten to cut me

... burn me or threaten to burn me
... break one of my bones or threaten to break one of my

    bones

... shoot me or threaten to shoot me
... kill me or threaten to kill me

I could say a great big loud ...
"Not Yet, But He Will!"
... because abuse doesn't just go away.  It gets worse.  And even though most victims know it will happen again, women go back to their abusers an average of six times because they ...

... don't think it's all that bad and they can handle it.
... think it might be their fault too.
... feel guilty about leaving him.
... don't think they can do any better.
... think it is what a wife or girlfriend is supposed to do,

    whether they are "standing by their man" or they have

    strong religious beliefs or a strong sense of family

    and trying to make things work.
... want their children to have a father.  (They have probably

    not seen how the abuse effects their children yet.)

... have no where else to go or they don't think they do.

... are financially dependant on their husband or boyfriend.

... believe their situation is hopeless.  The longer they stay

    in the abuse, the harder it is to leave.
... may seem weak, but we must always remember that they

    were strong enough to survive, to prevent themselves from

    being killed or seriously injured many, many times.

We can only hope that they (or you) continue to be strong enough to survive until they (or you) are strong enough to say, "NO MORE". 

Some Endings Are Beginnings ...

Four years ago, on this very week,
the worst relationship of my whole life ended ...
This is what happened on the last day ...

When Aydan's "other tricks" to control me quit working, he started to talk about suicide.  I had already wondered if a relationship with Aydan was worth all the trouble?  It wasn't fun being around someone who was always in a bad mood and always complaining about something ... boring work, stupid friends, demanding family, loud neighbors, dirty house, crummy truck, chronic aches and pains and me ... No wonder he was miserable and no wonder he wanted to commit suicide!  He hated everything about his life.  

Nothing Aydan had been saying was making any sense.  One minute he'd be telling me he loved me and he wanted us to work things out and the next, he was saying he hated me and he wished I was dead ... It got to where I would call him to "check his mood" before I'd even go over there.  Most of the time, he was in a bad mood so I didn't even bother going over there, and after a while, there didn't seem much reason to talk to him on the phone either. 

When his phone messages and emails starting including talk of suicide, I rolled my eyes at first, but each one got more and more serious.  I don't remember the exact words that compelled me to get involved, but I did ...

IF I HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN, I WOULD HAVE JUST CALLED 911
AND REPORTED THAT AYDAN HAD THREATENED SUICIDE AND
LET THE PROFESSIONALS DEAL WITH IT.   

I drove over to his house on a Sunday afternoon.  When I got there, Aydan came to the door looking awful.  His face was swollen like he had been in a fight, he had dark circles, and hadn't bathed or shaved in days.  He said he had passed out.

We talked on the porch fora while until it got buggy.  He asked me inside.  His house stunk.  There were dirty dishes everywhere.  The garbage was full of beer cans and there was an empty liquor bottle on the table.  He offered me a beer, drank his and then drank "mine".  

We talked in circles, as usual.  Every time I tried to get back to talking about him, he'd change the subject.  He seemed more and more uncomfortable.  He stared at the TV or off in space.  He glanced at the computer a few times, saying he had a "meeting" with someone on the internet ... (He claimed to be talking commodities) ...

The conversation wasn't going anywhere and I could see he wasn't going to kill himself ... at least, that day ... so I got up and said, "I needed to be going". 

He stopped me from leaving by asking, "What do you want from me?" 

I said, "I just want some peace.  I can accept you not loving me anymore, but I wish you didn't hate me and the rest of your life so much." 

That made him mad.  Peace?  How dare I ask for peace when I was abandoning him!  He wanted to hurt me so he said, "I just hate that you ruined my chances with the most beautiful woman in the world." (he was talking about an ex-stripper that he imagined to be interested in him ... he always threw her up in my face when he hoped to make me jealous). 

I said, "Oh, for goodness sake.  I've had enough of this nonsense.  We are both better than this.  You never cared about that woman and she never cared about you.  You can try pushing whatever buttons you want to.  They aren't going to work anymore.  Take it back, Aydan."  He smirked and said something even more hateful and I got up and faced him like I would a child and said, "Take that back!"  That infuriated him.  He jumped up and tried to pick me up and throw me out of his house.  I had gotten pretty good at "spinning out of his grip" and I said, "I don't have my shoes or my keys!  I'm not leaving until you take that back!"

Now, here's where I should have gotten my keys and shoes and left, but I still thought, at that moment, that we could talk it through, and at least, say good-bye in a nice way.  I was wrong.

Aydan went into the other room.  I thought he left to chill out, get a beer, put on a shirt, or go to the bathroom ... but never did I imagine that he went in the other room to load a shotgun!!!  My heart sank when I heard the sound of a shotgun being pumped in the kitchen.  He came around the corner with the gun and my first thought was, "Well, I believe I have just lost this argument!"

I was afraid to look up at him, afraid to confront him ... I did say, "Aw Aydan, put the gun away ..."  He was hollering and waving it around.  He showed me the gun, the chamber, the red shell, and through his spitting and red-faced screaming, he said first, that he was going to kill himself, second, that he was going to kill me and then himself, and finally that he was going to make me take him to Joey's house (my ex-husband and the man he imagined to be the source of our relationship problems) and kill him and then kill me.  I looked down and watched his movements from the corner of my eye, but when he said he wanted me to take him to Joey, I looked up. 

The fact that I hadn't looked up when he threatened himself and me, but I looked up when he threatened Joey made him go NUTS!  He flew across the room and turned the barrel of the gun sideways against my throat.  Aydan was using the gun to push me against the back of the couch and the wall.  The gun was choking me so I put my hands up to push the barrel away.  Aydan almost smiled and said as calmly as that guy in "Natural Born Killers", "Careful, Darlin', your hand is close to the trigger and I wouldn't want you to shoot up my house or kill a neighbor!"  He seemed so calm and so evil, I started to cry.  I was sure, at that moment, that he was going to kill me.

 

"DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?"

I whispered, "yes".

"ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY?"

I whispered, "no". 

(He held the gun to my throat with his right hand and punched me on the side of my head with his left fist.)

"DID I JUST HIT YOU?"

I whispered, "yes".

"DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?"

I whispered, "no".

"IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?"

I said louder and more firmly, "No Sir, It is NOT!"

I started to cry again.  I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be talking to the One I'd be seeing next!  I started to pray out loud:


"Lord, I just ask you to surround us with a legion of angels and protect us both.  I ask you to cover this house and everything in it with the blood of Jesus.  Please send your Holy Spirit to calm the angry storm ..." 

I thought about my kids, my grandkids, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters and ... and I thought about Joey.  If I was going to die anyway, NO WAY was I going to help Aydan kill anyone else!

Everything started to move in .. V-E-R-Y .. S-L-O-W .. M-O-T-I-O-N .. 
Aydan backed up a little bit, but he kept hollering.  I don't know what he said.  I was too scared.  I was thinking about my kids and wondering what would happen to them.  What would they tell my grandchildren? 

Aydan was still waving the gun around and when the point of it seemed to be pointing at me I put my arm up and pushed it to the left or the right.  My arms were like lead. 

Every time I peeked at Aydan, his face was red (almost purple) with anger ... his eyes were bugged out and he was spitting all over the place when he hollered.

One of the times I put my arm up to push the gun to the side, he grabbed my arm and pulled me up hard.  He screamed, "GET OUT."  I couldn't move!  I was afraid that if I turned my back on him, he would shoot me, because all the other times, he only hit me or pushed me when I turned my back on him. 

I kept looking down.  I saw my shoes ... My keys were on the table. 

From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I got it.  There is really no doubt when you are being threatened like that!  Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself and I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... the lie that it was MY JOB to stop him from killing himself ... a thousand things passed through my mind until the one defining thought:
   

WAKE UP, TAYLOR, WAKE UP!  DO YOU DESERVE TO DIE ... BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE, IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY RIGHT NOW!  WAKE UP!!!   

I woke up!  It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time.  Of course, I saw his anger.  It was all over the place! 

Maybe, I could run?  

Maybe it was my prayer? 

Maybe, Aydan didn't really think he'd get away with killing me? 

Maybe, for no other reason than even the worst storms end, he suddenly got quiet, backed off and emptied the shell or shells to the floor. 

I thought the gun held five shells but I didn't know how many shells were in the gun or how many fell.  My ears were ringing.  I think I counted to five ... not five shells ... just to five ... and when I got to five, I slid my feet into my shoes, grabbed my keys and I ran! 

I ran for my life!

There are some endings, so horrible, that they change us.
They change the way we live the rest of our lives
and
They change the way we look at the world
And everyone in it.

For me, that day wasn't an ending at all
It was the BEGINNING ...

(to be continued)