There Are RED FLAGS And Warning Signs

You know what people say about hindsight being 20/20?  After being in recovery for almost 3 years, I can look back at my experience with much more clarity and much less confusion that when I was still "under the spell" ... Even after I was free of his direct influence, his manipulative ideas and abusive statements continued to effect my judgment.  I missed red flags and ignored warning signs for years.

Let's Talk About Those RED FLAGS !!!

Abuse doesn't start with physical violence.  An abuser can do just as much damage and establish "his control" by tearing away at your mind and spirit before he ever harms your body.

In the September, 2004 issue of OPRAH Magazine, toward the back is an article about abuse:

Abusive Men: The Red Flags

1. He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
2. He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
3. He wants your undivided attention.
4. He must always be in charge.
5. He always has to win.
6. He breaks promises all the time.
7. He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
8. He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
9. He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
10. He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
11. He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
12. He has a mean temper.
13. He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
14. He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
15. He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
16. He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.

The article in the magazine says ... THESE MEN DON'T COME WITH WARNING LABELS ... That's the TRUTH!!!  But that list of red flags is a good place to start!  Another book breaks down the abuse:

LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU
by Beverly Engel  

Ms. Engel breaks down the various forms of abuse and the effect of that abuse.  

Emotional Abuse  

There are many ways of being abused without anyone laying a hand on you.  Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.  Whether it is done by constant berating or belittling, by intimidation, by manipulation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching", the results are similar.  Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.  

Domination  

Those who have a need to dominate have to have their own way - insisting on making all the decisions, not allowing the other person to have an opinion or speak their mind.  Men who dominate also need to be in charge, and because of this they often try to control their partner's every action.  

Unreasonable Expectations  

When your partner's needs and expectations are unreasonable, you can never win.  It is unreasonable for a man to expect that you will put everything aside to satisfy his every whim.  It is unreasonable for someone to expect that you will put up with selfishness, constant demands, and ingratitude indefinitely.  The more you give him, the more permission you give him to find fault in you!  

Verbal Abuse  

This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.  It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image.  Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal.  

Blaming  

A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else's fault.  This person never admits to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong.  He will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did ... Women with a damaged sense of self are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. It's almost automatic to look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships.  She is the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made.  This gives a blamer ample ammunition to use against her in the future.  The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerable as the reasons for his poor behavior.  

Constant Criticism  

When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unrelentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage.  This type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of worth.  Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up.  

Emotional Blackmail  

Emotional Blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation.  It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciously coerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion.  Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes and feelings ahead of their own.  You are being emotionally blackmailed when a man threatens to end a relationship if you don't give him what he wants,or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands.  If your partner gives you the "cold shoulder" whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail. 

The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally blackmailed:

• Your Partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.
• Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for him.
• Your partner threatens to leave you if you don't change.  

True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:

• It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
• The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
• The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.
• The person has an overall attitude of disrespect towards you, rather than just not liking something specific you are doing.  

 

Don't allow your partner to
verbally,
emotionally or physically
abuse you.

 

Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore) or telling you are stupid, ugly, fat or insane. 

Emotional abuse is trying to make you think you are crazy, threatening to end the relationship if you don't do as he says, or threatening to hit you if you don't be quiet. 

Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, pushing, tripping, or dragging.  It also includes breaking down doors, putting his fist through windows, breaking dishes, or throwing things at you. 

Tactics of intimidation are forms of abuse, even if he doesn't physically touch you.  Don't tolerate these tactics.  Call them what they are:

ABUSE. 

Abusive men are EXPERTS at keeping their victims off balance because it is one of their many tools to maintain control ... which is THE ONLY thing they really want!  While you are focused on LOVING, he is focused on WINNING.  His perception of WINNING changes constantly ... which is why one demand leads to another and we spend too much time trying to keep up to them.  Any time we get too close to discovering his true nature, any time we challenge the status quo, any time we show independence and stand up to him, we will find ourselves in the most confusing conversations.  He can talk us in circles and will accuse us of the very thing we are saying about him!  He can and will stand the whole situation on it's head and reverse reality.  We will neverknow what hit us!  We will start the conversation,determined to make our point, only to leavethe conversation, more confused than when we started and with no resolution.  On occasion, he really wins by convincing us that he is NOT the problem ... we are! 

If you are being abused, it's important that you get help ... from wherever you can!  You are NOT the one with the problem.  He is.  No one deserves to be abused, no matter what.  You didn't do one thing to cause him to be an abuser.  Men who abuse are what they are.  Nothing you do or don't do will change him unless he wants to, and few of them ever want to change because they don't think they are the ones with the problem!  15 minutes after he calls you a name ... 15 minutes after he belittles you ... 15 minutes after he hits you, he's already convinced himself that you deserved it and it's all YOUR fault!!!  

If you don't hear anything else, please hear this: 

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It never was ...

 

Tags: abuse, domestic violence, red flags, warning signs, loving him without losing you, Beverly Engel, recovery, healing