Finding Healing In Lost Journal

Last week, I wrote about a sad chapter in my life.  I'd like to tell you "the rest of the story" because my story got better!

I don't remember much of the first few months after the gun.  I hid.  I stayed with friends, slept in recliners and sofas, even bathtubs, so I wouldn't have to go home because I was terrified that Aydan would come there.  When I try to remember that month, it is always a blur.  I hid.  I remember HURTING all over.  My muscles stayed tight and sore.  I felt sick at my stomach.  I didn't sleep and when I did sleep, I had nightmares.  I hid.  I was afraid to even go to the grocery store.  Public places scared me.  Loud noises freaked me out.  I locked and re-locked the doors and windows.  I'd go for walks in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep and I cried.  I cried a lot.

It felt like I spent a lot of time talking to law enforcement and lawyers.  I hated being called a victim.  I had no problem answering their questions.  It was my own questions that I couldn't answer.
 
I had started seeing a therapist and he suggested I write a journal.  

Last weekend, I found that first journal ... As I read through the entries back then, I smiled, thinking about the women who have written me and said, "I am happy for you but I am not as strong as you.  I will never be able to get to where you are."  If they could have only seen me when I wrote this ... lol ... I felt exactly the same way they did.

Back then, I couldn't have told you how I got where or I did or what I needed to do to stay safe, because I lived most days, one day at a time. 

Maybe, if I talk about what I felt back then, it might make it easier for you to talk about what you are feeling too?  Maybe, if you read about some of the things I felt, it will help you understand your sister, daughter, neighbor, friend who is in the middle of that dark place? 




I am understanding things a little more.  I need to let go of Aydan for good this time.  Holding unto him, or even the idea of him, hurts.  This isn't love.  This hasn't been love in a long time.  Maybe, this never was?  I can't do anything about the past.  It's over.  There is nothing to work on.  I need to work on the only thing I can do anything about ... me!

I read a book today that talked about pleasers.  It said,

"Pleasers let people run over them, rarely stand up for themselves, have a low self-esteem and are a sucker for the misunderstood controllers that will play them like a Stradivarius.  He will know what buttons to push and how to manipulate their emotions ... They let other people run their life, and whenever anything goes wrong, they readily take the blame even when it is not their fault.  They can't bear to disappoint anyone which makes them miserable."

It is weird to see my whole life defined in one easy paragraph, and weirder still to know that other people have felt the same way that I do or there wouldn't be a book about it!




I have been reading about co-dependency.  I can see that I have been co-dependent ... in my thinking and my choices.  Maybe, I don't just need to recover from this one bad relationship?  Maybe, I have to recover from a whole lifetime of bad choices ... because they all brought me to this place?




Today, I worked on a list of things I will not do:

• I will not automatically say yes to every request.  I will take time to decide if it's something I really want to do.
• I will not respond to flattery or criticism.  I will recognize that either is more about the other person than it is about me.
• I will not waste anymore time seeking approval from other people.  I have to be who I am because there is only one me.
• I will not waste anymore time trying to help/fix/change other people.  They have to walk their own road and learn their own lessons. 
• I will not engage in rescuing "lost souls", but encourage them to be the heroes in their own lives.
• I will not give in to guilt trips from myself or anyone else!
• I will not be afraid to confront exploitative behaviors against me or my loved ones.
• I will not stop learning from the people I meet, the things I do or the places I go.  Everything can be an opportunity to learn something new. 
• I will not try to run away from my own pain by engaging in addictive behaviors.  There is no pill, no drink, no magic cure.  I can feel pain and be okay. 
• I will not give up.

I wrote a poem ...




Today was a good day.
I made myself think of something else

every time I thought of him.

I thought I saw him on the street.

My heart beat fast with fear
and then, my heart sank a little

when I realized it wasn't him.

It will NEVER be him again!

I loved him more after he left
Than I ever loved him
When he was here!

 

I missed him today,

But not as much as yesterday

and
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

 

Maybe,

another strategy,

another coping skill,

another way to take care of me?

 

Because ... Thank God ...

It will NEVER be him again. 




I wrote another poem ...




I'm missing
a man

that never existed

 

a man

that he never was

a man
I imagined him to be

He was

like a child's imaginary friend
BUT

I am not a child

and

It's time to put away

childish things.

 

 

I have spent too much time feeling guilty about the way I left things with Aydan.  I always took "great pride" in leaving people better that when I found them.

HELLO !!! 
Aydan broken every heart he ever held, and then, found a way to blame it on the ones he hurt.
He doesn't expect anyone to care about him ... before, during or after the relationship because he knows who he really is!




I read a book, OBSESSIVE LOVE - WHEN IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LET GO by Susan Forward, PhD. 
She described the cycle:
The more the woman reproaches herself, the less confidence she has.

The less confidence she has, the more powerless she feels.
The more powerless she feels, the more passive she becomes.
The more passive she becomes, the more she tolerates inappropriate behavior.
The more she tolerates inappropriate behavior, the more she reproaches herself ...
(and it starts all over again)

A coping skill that will work:
If I want to get over a heart breaking relationship, with as much speed and as little pain as possible, I need to do this - Every time he comes into my thoughts, I will pray as sincerely as I can for his highest good.  Amen.
God will take care of the rest.




Love is a good thing.  Good love involves exchanging respect, affection, time and support with someone special.  It feels good.  When rough spots develop, the two parties work them through.

The harsh truth is that there are those among us who don't love.  And when they pretend to, at our expense, it's painful to the rest of us.  They pretend to love because they know we'll love them back and they like the way it feels when we adore them and struggle to make a relationship with them work.  It makes them feel special.

One day, we look up and realize we're the ones putting in all the respect, affection, time and support while they take it as well-deserved worship and hold out their hands for more.

In rough spots, good people look toward the goal of working it out and growing in understanding.  People like Aydan would rather dump the relationship and start fresh with someone else (who he will eventually dump too).

Women only exist for men like that to reassure him that he's as perfect as he wants to be.  If a woman finds something imperfect and says so, then she isn't doing her "job" and she may need to be replaced by someone a little weaker and a little more troubled because healthy women defend themselves and he would hate that!

Women can expect punishment, threats of abandonment, accusations and contempt because that is what he does.  My experience was to expect ...

• wild chaos
• mind games
• increasing demands 
• conflicts
• unpredictable moods
• punishment
• emotional abuse 
• insults
• devaluation
• blaming
• excuses 
• criticism
• sadistic put downs
• rage
• obscenity
• name calling
• cliche insults
• selfish behavior
• temper tantrums
• childish reactions 
• cold indifference
• physical abuse

... and every one of those behaviors are the "products of a disordered personality"!




He always said he was "just being honest",

but honesty isn't a virtue if it's cruel. 

It's just cruelty.




Every time he criticized me ... Every time he called me a name ...

he was screaming his own truth at the top of his lungs. 

Every single thing he said about me turned out to be true about him!




I am disconnected from him.
I don't want to talk to Aydan.
I don't want to see him.
I wouldn't dare go anywhere near his house!  He still has guns!
I want to stay disconnected. 
I think it will be interesting to wait and see what Aydan will do.
I will learn a great deal aboutwhat kind of a man he really is by what he chooses to do on his own.

I like being disconnected.




No matter what Aydan does or what he says,
I will choose DIGNITY.
He never knew how classy I can be but he is about to find out.




The gun was a mistake.
Aydan's actions since then have been
weak and fearful

unintelligent

unkind

unwilling to learn from his mistakes

prideful

vengeful

harsh and hateful

My reactions had to be different.
When he lost control,
I was forced to act calm.

When he challenged and threatened me,

I was forced to stand up for what I believe in even if it cost me my life.
From that moment, I have ...

searched for answers

looked for meaning in what happened

mourned

took responsibility for my part in what happened
forgave him and myself

held him accountable for his bad behavior
grew stronger
out grew him




People either will love me or they won't.
It doesn't matter how much I value them
if they don't value me too.
No matter what I said or did,

nothing was ever good enough.
It wasn't then.  It wouldn't be now.  It never will be.
Accept it.
Forgive it.

Let it go.

Move on.

Someone wants me just the way I am ...
or
They will need the woman I am becoming.
I will keep learning.
I will keep growing.
All of this has happened for a reason.
God is using the good and the bad to bring me

exactly to where He needs me to be.




Today ... 

I firmly place the future of this situation in the hands of the

One who was always in control anyway. 

Thank you Lord, for your continued protection and guidance. 

Thank you for surrounding me with peace until I am calm enough to feel it. 

Thank you for healing the hurt and pain that laid so heavily on my heart.

Thank you for the things you are teaching me each and every day.
Thank you for loving me and teaching me to love me too.
Amen.
 

 

I am glad my story didn't end.  I am glad that I woke up to myself and the world around me.  I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the path I have walked since then.  I am not the same woman I was.  I am better! 

I did have a few advantages.  I never lived with Aydan.  I was not financially dependent on him.  He didn't have any influence on my friends or family.  He couldn't threaten my children, although he tried to control me in all those ways.

Every woman has different things to consider. 

I know one woman whose husband took the phone with him to work and disabled her car so that she could not leave the house during the day.  She was literally a prisoner.  Planning her escape was like planning a jail break!  But she did break "out of jail" and she found more strength every time she did something on her own.  She said she didn't know where she got the strength or how she even thought of some of the things she thought of, but she did!

I know another woman who had NO MONEY.  She told me that she literally saved a dollar here and a dollar there until she had enough money to get away and start a new life.  I wish I could have photographed her face as she told me her story.  Her eyes sparkled when she described finding hope.  Her face was the face of courage and peace.

My biggest hurdle was that I didn't want other people to know, but since I had no control over other people finding out, I decided to be completely open about what happened to me.  I spoke to my friends and family first.  Do you know what happened?!!!  Most of them had thought something was wrong and they were relieved to know the truth.  They were supportive and caring.  They never thought I was nearly as perfect as I thought I had to be!  They took care of me, which was a new thing for me.  I always thought it was MY JOB to take care of everybody else!  Being vulnerable with the people that I love and who love me gave them permission to be vulnerable with me too!  I had some of the neatest conversations of my life with people I thought I already knew.  It turns out that not only had I not known myself, but I had no idea how wonderful my friends and family are!

I love hearing stories about survivors.  Each one of us is a celebration of life!  We are miracles.  We are our own happy endings.  We are our own heroes.

You can be your own hero too!

Tags: Healing, Journal, Poetry, Recovery, Abuse, Domestic Violence