Getting REAL With Our Kids About Bullying

 

No matter how we look at it, more and more children are being bullied or being bullies and it's up to us adults to protect the children.  These web-sites offers strategies that could help:



The following useful tips should be read and discussed with your child:

To Prevent Bullying

	Your child should not carry a large amount of money.
	Remind your child not to brag about owning expensive things like electronic games.
	In the schoolyard, your child should stay where most of the kids are playing. Bullies don't like to have witnesses.
	Your child should avoid walking alone. If possible, he should try to walk to and from school with good friends.
	If a schoolmate hits your child, he/she should tell a supervisor or a teacher immediately.
	When using public transit, he should try to sit near other adults.

If Your Child Is Being Bullied

	Your child must remain calm and not act scared. He/she should try not to show that he/she is upset or angry because bullies love to get a reaction. If your child stays calm and hides his/her emotions, bullies might get bored and leave him/her alone.
	Your child must answer bullies firmly in short sentences such as "Yes. No. Leave me alone." He/she mustn't start a discussion or argue with bullies to provoke them.
	Remember to tell your child that violence never solved anything. Your child must avoid fighting. Should he/she feel threatened, he/she should give the bullies what they want. Remind him/her that personal property is not worth an injury.
	Your child must then observe the bullies carefully and remember as much information as possible: height, age, hair color, clothes, etc.

If Your Child Is Being Bullied, You Should Remind Him/Her:

1-	That he/she has the right not to be bullied.
2-	That it is not his/her fault if she/he is bullied.
3-	That he/she should not have to face this on his/her own and that he/she can confide in you.
4-	That he/she should not try to tackle bullies on his/her own.

Be Proactive Toward Bullying

If your child is being bullied, do something about it!
Be proactive towards bullying. If your child tells you he/she is being bullied, do something immediately to try to find a solution as quickly as possible.

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If Your Child Is Being Bullied

Do you suspect that your child is being bullied? Sometimes the effects of bullying aren't as obvious as a black eye. Other signs to look for include the sudden appearance of bruises, missing belongings, or the invention of mysterious illnesses or stomach aches to avoid going to school. Your child may be embarrassed or feel weak by admitting he's the victim of a bully.

To make it easier for your child to talk about it, consider asking some thoughtful questions. For example, you could ask what it's like walking to the bus stop or home from school. Often a child will unexpectedly change routines to avoid a bully. Or you could ask about what happens before or after school or during recess. You might also try asking if there are any bullies in the neighborhood who have threatened to hurt any kids your child knows. This might make it easier for your child to talk about bullies because he won't necessarily have to talk about his own experiences. It might also help your child realize that he's not alone.

If you learn that your child is the victim of a bully, do not overreact. Remember that your child is the victim; you do not want to add to your child's burden with an angry or blaming response. Although it's understandable that hearing your child is being bullied would make you sad or upset, try not to let your child see that - he might interpret your sadness as disappointment in him.



Helping Your Child Stand Up To A Bully

First, listen to your child. Just talking about the problem and knowing that you care can be helpful and comforting. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable, so it's important that you let him know you're on his side and that you love him.

Talk to your child about why some people act like bullies. Remember that your child may feel guilty, that he is somehow to blame. Reassure your child that he did not cause the bullying. Explain that kids who bully are usually confused or unhappy.

How can your child handle a hostile confrontation with a bully? Getting angry or violent won't solve the problem; in fact, it's giving the bully exactly what he wants. And responding with physical aggression can put your child at risk. On the other hand, going along with everything the bully says is not a good way to handle the situation. Your child must regain his sense of dignity and recover his damaged self-esteem - agreeing to be a victim won't accomplish this.

Empower your child to act first. For example, suggest that your child look the bully in the eye and firmly say, "I don't like your teasing and I want you to stop right now." Your child should then walk away and ignore any further taunts from the bully. If your child fears physical harm, he should try to find a teacher or move toward friends who can provide comfort and support.

Because bullies often target socially awkward children, you should encourage your child to develop more friendships. Suggest your child join social organizations, clubs, or teams. Encourage him to invite other kids over after school on a regular basis. Sometimes just being in a group with other kids can keep a child from being victimized.

In most cases, bullying won't require your direct intervention, but if you fear that your child may be seriously harmed, it's important that you step in. That may mean walking to school.

Take action and report it to the school immediately. Working together with your schools to institute conflict resolution programs is essential.It may embarrass your child, but his safety should be your primary concern.



Tell Your Child:

• Coping with bullying can be difficult, but remember, they are not the problem, the bully is! They   have a right to feel safe and secure.
• If they are different in some way, be proud of it!
• Stand strong!
• Spend time with your friends - bullies hardly ever pick on people if they're with others in a group.
• They've probably already tried ignoring the bully, telling them to stop and walking away whenever   the bullying starts. If someone is bullying them, they should always tell an adult you can trust.
  
• This isn't telling tales. 
  
• They have a right to be safe and adults can do things to get the bullying stopped. Even if they think   they've solved the problem on their own, tell an adult anyway, in case it happens again. An adult they can trust might be you, a teacher, school principal, someone else from your family, or a friend's parent.
• If they find it difficult to talk about being bullied, they might find it easier to write down what's been happening to them and give it to you or an adult they trust.
  
  
  
  What Can Your Child Do If They See Someone Else Being Bullied?
  
• If they see someone else being bullied they should always try to stop it. If  they do nothing, they're saying that bullying is okay with them. 
• The best way to help is probably to tell an adult. It's always best to treat others the way they would like to be treated.
• Show the bully that they think what they're doing is stupid and mean. Help the person being bullied   to tell an adult they can trust.
  
  
  
  If Your Child Is A Bully

• Watch for signs of bullying.
• Don't allow your child to control others through verbal threats and physical actions.
• Help your child develop empathy for the problems of the victim (target).
• Apply clear, consistent, escalating consequences for repetitive aggressive behaviors.
• Provide anger management counseling for your child if needed.
• Don't tolerate revengeful attitudes.
• Don't allow your child to have contact with aggressive groups.
• Limit your child's exposure to models of aggressive behavior such as violent television, movies and   video games.
• As a parent, be a good role model for constructively solving problems.
• As a parent, be a good role model for getting along with others.
• As a parent, help your child develop a healthy physical image.
• Watch for the emergence of feelings of power and control.
• As a parent, know the whereabouts of your child.

As a parent, protect your child from physical and emotional abuse at home.

You can help modify a bullying child's behavior by controlling your own aggression, along with the behavior of your children. If an older brother or sister frequently taunts, teases, or bullies your child, it's likely to damage that child's self-esteem and make him more likely to model that aggressive behavior outside the home by attacking other kids.

Parents really need to get more involved in their children's lives. That way they will be more sensitive to problems occurring. Promote honesty. Ask questions. Listen with an open mind and focus on understanding. Allow children to express how they feel, and treat a child's feelings with respect. Set a good example by showing them a healthy temperament. Settle conflicts by talking things out peacefully. Congratulate or reward them when you see them using these positive skills to settle a difference. Teach them to identify "the problem", and focus on the problem, "not" attacking "the person." Tell them conflicts are a way of life, but violence doesn't have to be. And finally, teaching them to take responsibility for their own actions will make for a healthier child, a healthier self-esteem, and there will be no need for any "bullies" or "victims" in the world.

Set limits for your bullying child. Stop any show of aggression immediately and help your child find other, nonviolent ways of reacting to certain situations. Observe your child in one-on-one interactions and remember to praise your child for appropriate behaviors. Positive reinforcement can be very powerful.

Talking to your child's school staff may also help. Tell them your child is trying to change his behavior and ask how they can help. It may be helpful for you and your child to meet with an educational psychologist or other mental health professional.

Finally, set realistic goals for your child. Don't expect him to change immediately. As he learns to modify his behavior, it's important to assure your child that you still love him - it's his behavior that you don't like.



Work With The Schools To Help Stop Bullies and Violence
Many schools already have a way of dealing with bullying. They may:

• Have anti-bullying guidelines and procedures for dealing with incidents
• Encourage anyone who is being bullied, or has witnessed bullying to tell someone about it
• Have ‘bully boxes’ where people can leave notes about what is happening
• Have student meetings or even ‘courts’ where problems like bullying are discussed and dealt with

Have specially assigned students or teachers who are there to help

If your school has an anti-bullying system, use it to get help. If you're not sure how it works, talk to a teacher. Some schools ignore bullying. If your school does, don't be resigned to being a victim. You can still help yourself and ask others to help you.

It's all about talking it out: Child to Child (Peer Mediation), Teacher to Parent (PTO's, PTA's), Teacher to Teacher (in service days), Parent to Child (at home). There should be town meetings involving the parents, students, and entire school faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The teachers should also allow the students to give "their" ideas on how they would like situations handled. For younger students, role playing of "victims" and "bullies" in the classroom will help them understand the cause and effect - how it feels. Another idea for younger kids getting picked on could be to have an older student assigned as a type of mentor that he could talk to, and who would step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups have also been created where victims and their parents can meet with other victims and discuss solutions. It's comforting to know you're not alone, and friendships can be made there. Many schools admit that the lockers are the most common place that bullying takes place. Teachers could take turns standing by these lockers during class changes.

The schools can also pass out questionnaires, and do surveys or polls to find out what students and parents think about what is happening and what they would like to see done. Some teachers have told me that their schools put up a peace flag outside on days when there is no conflict in the school. This promotes a pride in the school, and teaches them that even one person's actions can have consequences that affect everyone. Other schools are using posters, and having the students wear certain colors on certain days.

A local school in Pennsylvania participated in “Annual Week Without Violence.” One program included, "Hands Around Violence." Students made paper cutouts of their hand prints and wrote nonviolent messages on them, such as: "I will not use my hands or words for hurting." The "Pledge Hands" served as a visual reminder that together they can make a difference.

Other activities included a white out, where students wore as much white as possible to symbolize peace, a unity day, where students wore their school colors, and a smile day, where each student received a smile card and handed that card over to the first person to smile at them.

Another great idea schools areusing is to have teachers hold up pictures of kids faces while asking the students, "How does this person feel?" This promotes a discussion aimed at helping kids to identify and describe emotions. And for teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful situations can be used to promote discussion & ideas for resolution.

Let kids know it's OK to talk about problems; that parents and teachers are willing to listen, and eager to help. Also, if your kids/students are "bystanders" to their friends, or other kids being bullied, tell them how important it is for them to help these kids by reporting it. If they are afraid, they can use an anonymous tip, or tell the teachers not to use their name when confronting the bully.

The anonymous tip is only suggested for those victims who fear revenge from the bully in the form of physical abuse for their "snitching." Yes, in many cases the name of the victim will have to be given in order for the conflict to be directly approached. A bully being accused of attacking a "nameless" child might try to talk his way out of it. But if a name is used in relating to a particular incident with a specific child, and if there was proof, or witnesses, it's harder to deny.

Telling is not tattling!  When a kid or teen reports bullying they may be saving their own life or the life of a friend.



Getting Help

Helping your child cope with either being a bully or being a victim often requires outside assistance, such as from your child's school or the community. School is the most likely place for bullying to occur, so discuss your concerns with your child's teachers and counselor and ask what they can do to help. School personnel can be influential in helping a child modify his behavior. Take advantage of any psychological counseling services that may be offered at your child's school or in your community.

from the web-site:  Love Our Children USA

Tags: bullies, talking to our kids, preventing bullying in school, what if your child is a bully, getting help for our kids

Targets Wonder: "Why Me?"

If you or someone you love has been targeted by a bully, it would be reasonable to ask ...


WHY ME?

There are many reasons how and why bullies target others, and the reasons are consistent between cases. There are many myths and stereotypes such as "victims are weak". Bullying often repeats because the reasons that bullies target their victims don't change, hence this section also answers the questions "Why do I keep getting bullied" and "Why do bullies continue to bully me?".

1) How do bullies select their targets?

The bully selects their target using the following criteria:

• bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors
• being good at your job, often excelling
• being popular with people (colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, etc)
• more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
• being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (you get more attention than the bully)
• having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise
• having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)
• having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited
• being too old or too expensive (usually both)
• refusing to join an established clique
• showing independence of thought or deed
• refusing to become a corporate clone and drone

Jealousy (of relationships and perceived exclusion therefrom) and envy (of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions) are strong motivators of bullying.

2) Events that trigger bullying

Bullying starts after one of these events:

• the previous target leaves
• there's a reorganization
• a new manager is appointed
• your performance unwittingly highlights, draws attention to, exposes or invites unfavorable comparison with the bully's lack of performance (the harder you work to address the bully's claims of under-performance, the more insecure and unstable the bully becomes)
• you may have unwittingly become the focus of attention whereas before the bully was the center of attention (this often occurs with female bullies) - most bullies are emotionally immature and thus crave attention
• obvious displays of affection, respect or trust from co-workers
• refusing to obey an order which violates rules, regulations, procedures, or is illegal
• standing up for a colleague who is being bullied - this ensures you will be next; sometimes the bully drops their current target and turns their attention to you immediately
• blowing the whistle on incompetence, malpractice, fraud, illegality, breaches of procedure, breaches of health & safety regulations etc
• undertaking trade union duties
• suffering illness or injury, whether work related or not
• challenging the status quo, especially unwittingly
• gaining recognition for your achievements, winning an award or being publicly recognized
• gaining promotion

3) Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

• popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
• competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
• intelligence and intellect
• honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
• you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
• a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
• you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
• successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
• a sense of humor, including displays of quick-wittedness
• imaginative, creative, innovative
• idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
• ability to master new skills
• ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
• sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
• slow to anger
• helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
• giving and selfless
• difficulty saying no
• diligent, industrious
• tolerant
• strong sense of honor
• irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
• an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc)
• low propensity to violence (you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
• a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
• a desire to always think well of others
• being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
• being unwilling to lower standards
• a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
• high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
• a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
• low assertiveness
• a need to feel valued
• quick to apologize when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
• perfectionism
• higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
• a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
• high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
• a tendency to internalize anger rather than express it

The typical sequence of events is:

• the target is selected using the criteria above, then bullied for months, perhaps years
• eventually, the target asserts their right not to be bullied, perhaps by filing a complaint with personnel
• personnel interview the bully, who uses their Jekyll and Hyde nature, compulsive lying, and charm to tell the opposite story (charm has a motive - deception)
• it's one word against another with no witnesses and no evidence, so personnel take the word of the senior employee - serial bullies excel at deception and evasion of accountability
• the personnel department are hoodwinked by the bully into getting rid of the target - serial bullies are adept at encouraging conflict between people who might otherwise pool negative information about them
• once the target is gone, there's a period of between 2-14 days, then a new target is selected and the process starts again (bullying is an obsessive compulsive behavior and serial bullies seem unable to survive without a target on to whom they can project their inadequacy and incompetence whilst blaming them for the bully's own failings)
• even if the employer realizes that they might have sided with the wrong person in the past, they are unlikely to admit that because to do so may incur liability
• if legal action is taken, employers go to increasingly greater lengths to keep targets quiet, usually by offering a small out-of-court settlement with a comprehensive gagging clause
• employers are often more frightened of the bully than the target and will go to enormous lengths to avoid having to deal with bully (promotion for the bully is the most common outcome)

 

 

 For more information:  http://www.bullyonline.com/

 

 

Tags: victims wonder why me, getting help for victims of bullies, bullies

Bullies & Their Targets

TYPES OF BULLYING

Pressure bullying or unwitting bullying 
is where the stress of the moment causes behavior to deteriorate; the person becomes short-tempered, irritable and may shout or swear at others. Everybody does this from time to time, but when the pressure is removed, behavior returns to normal, the person recognizes the inappropriateness of their behavior, makes amends, and may apologize, and - crucially - learns from the experience so that next time the situation arises they are better able to deal with it. This is "normal" behavior and I do not include pressure bullying in my definition of workplace bullying.

Organizational bullying
is a combination of pressure bullying and corporate bullying, and occurs when an organization struggles to adapt to changing markets, reduced income, cuts in budgets, imposed expectations, and other external pressures.

Corporate bullying
is where the employer abuses employees with impunity knowing that the law is weak and jobs are scarce:

• coercing employees to work 60/70/80 weeks on a regular basis then making life hell for (or dismissing) anyone who objects
• dismissing anyone who looks like having a stress breakdown as it's cheaper to pay the costs of unfair dismissal at Employment Tribunal than risk facing a personal injury claim for stress breakdown
• introduces "absence management" to deny employees annual or sick leave to which they are genuinely entitled
• regularly snoops and spies on employees, by listening in to telephone conversations, using the mystery shopper, contacting customers behind employees backs and asking leading questions, conducting covert video surveillance (perhaps by fellow employees), sending personnel officers or private investigators to an employee's home to interrogate the employees whilst on sick leave, threatening employees with interrogation the moment they return from sick leave, etc.
• deems any employee suffering from stress as weak and inadequate whilst aggressively ignoring and denying the cause of stress (bad management and bullying)
• "encourages" employees (with promises of promotion and/or threats of disciplinary action) to fabricate complaints about their colleagues
• employees are "encouraged" to give up full-time permanent positions in favor of short-term contracts; anyone who resists has their life made hell

Institutional bullying
is similar to corporate bullying and arises when bullying becomes entrenched and accepted as part of the culture. People are moved, long-existing contracts are replaced with new short-term contracts on less favorable terms with the accompanying threat of "agree to this or else", workloads are increased, work schedules are changed, roles are changed, career progression paths are blocked or terminated, etc - and all of this is without consultation.

Client bullying
is where employees are bullied by those they serve, teachers are bullied (and often assaulted) by pupils and their parents, nurses are bullied by patients and their relatives, social workers are bullied by their clients, and shop/bank/building society staff are bullied by customers. Often the client is claiming their perceived right (better service) in an abusive,  derogatory and often physically violent manner. Client bullying can also be employees bullying their clients.

Serial bullying
is where the source of all dysfunction can be traced to one individual, who picks on one employee after another and destroys them. This is the most common type of bullying I come across; most of this web site is devoted to describing and defining the serial bully, who exhibits the behavioral characteristics of a socialized psychopath. Most people know at least one person in their life with the profile of the serial bully; most people do not recognize this person as a socialized psychopath, or sociopath. I estimate one person in thirty is either  a physically-violent psychopath who commits criminal acts, or an antisocial whose behavior is antisocial, or a sociopath who commits mostly non-arrestable offences.

Secondary bullying
is mostly unwitting bullying which people start exhibiting whenthere's a serial bully in the department. The pressure of trying to deal with a dysfunctional, divisive and aggressive serial bully causes everyone's behavior to decline.

Pair bullying
is a serial bully with a colleague. Often one does the talking whilst the other watches and listens. Usually it's the quiet one you need to watch. Usually they are of opposite gender and frequently there's an affair going on.

Gang bullying
is a serial bully with colleagues. Gangs can occur anywhere, but flourish in corporate bullying climates. If the bully is an extrovert, they are likely to be leading from the front; they may also be a shouter and screamer, and thus easily identifiable (and recordable on tape and video-able). If the bully is an introvert, that person will be in the background initiating the mayhem but probably not taking an active part, and may thus be harder to identify. A common tactic of this type of bully is to tell everybody a different story - usually about what others are alleged to have said about that person - and encourage each person to think they are the only one with the correct story. Introvert bullies are the most dangerous bullies.
Half the people in the gang are happy for the opportunity to behave badly, they gain gratification from the feeling of power and control, and enjoy the patronage, protection and reward from the serial bully. The other half of the gang are coerced into joining in, usually through fear of being the next target if they don't. If anything backfires, one of these coerces will be the scapegoat and sacrificial lamb on whom enraged targets will be encouraged to vent their anger. The serial bully watches from a safe distance. Serial bullies gain a great deal of gratification from encouraging and watching others engage in conflict, especially those who might otherwise pool negative information about them.
Gang bullying or group bullying is often called mobbing and usually involves scape-goating andvictimization.

Vicarious bullying
is where two parties are encouraged to engage in adversarial interaction or conflict. Similar to gang bullying, although the bully may or may not be directly connected with either of the two parties. One party becomes the bully's instrument of harassment and is deceived and manipulated into bullying the other party. An example of vicarious bullying is where the serial bully creates conflict between employer and employee, participating occasionally to stoke the conflict, but rarely taking an active part in the conflict themselves.

Regulation bullying
is where a serial bully forces their target to comply with rules, regulations, procedures or laws regardless of their appropriateness, applicability or necessity. Legal bullying - the bringing of a vexatious legal action to control and punish a person - is one of the nastiest forms of bullying.

Residual bullying
is the bullying of all kinds that continues after the serial bully has left. Like recruits like and like promotes like, therefore the serial bully bequeaths a dysfunctional environment to those who are left. This can last for years.

Cyber bullying
is the misuse of email systems or Internet forums etc for sending aggressive flame mails. Serial bullies have few communication skills (and often none), thus the impersonal nature of email makes it an ideal tool for causing conflict. Sometimes called cyber-stalking.

In environments where bullying is the norm, most people will eventually either become bullies or become targets. There are few bystanders, as most people will eventually be sucked in. It's about survival: you either adopt bullying tactics yourself and thus survive by not becoming a target, or you stand up against bullying and refuse to join in, in which case you are bullied, harassed, victimized and scape-goated until your health is so severely impaired that you have a stress breakdown (this is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness), take ill-health retirement, leave, find yourself unexpectedly selected for redundancy, or are unfairly dismissed.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE TARGETED?

People who are bullied find that they are:

• constantly criticized and subjected to destructive criticism (often euphemistically called constructive criticism, which is an oxymoron) -explanations and proof of achievement are ridiculed, overruled, dismissed or ignored
• forever subject to nit-picking and trivial fault-finding (the triviality is the giveaway)
• undermined, especially in front of others; false concerns are raised, or doubts are expressed over a person's performance or standard of work - however, the doubts lack substantive and quantifiable evidence, for they are only the bully's unreliable opinion and are for control, not performance enhancement
• overruled, ignored, sidelined, marginalized, ostracized
• isolated and excluded from what's happening (this makes people more vulnerable and easier to control and subjugate)
• singled out and treated differently (for example everyone else can have long lunch breaks but if they are one minute late it's a disciplinary offence)
• belittled, degraded, demeaned, ridiculed, patronized, subject to disparaging remarks
• regularly the target of offensive language, personal remarks, or inappropriate bad language
• the target of unwanted sexual behavior
• threatened, shouted at and humiliated, especially in front of others
• taunted and teased where the intention is to embarrass and humiliate
• set unrealistic goals and deadlines which are unachievable or which are changed without notice or reason or whenever they get near achieving them
• deniedinformation or knowledge necessary for undertaking work and achieving objectives
• starved of resources, sometimes whilst others often receive more than they need
• denied support by their manager and thus find themselves working in a management vacuum
• either overloaded with work (this keeps people busy [with no time to tackle bullying] and makes it harder to achieve targets) or have all their work taken away (which is sometimes replaced with inappropriate menial jobs, photocopying, filing, making coffee)
• have their responsibility increased but their authority removed
• have their work plagiarized, stolen and copied - the bully then presents their target's work (senior management) as their own
• are given the silent treatment: the bully refuses to communicate and avoids eye contact (always an indicator of an abusive relationship); often instructions are received only via email, memos, or a succession of yellow stickies or post-it notes
• subject to excessive monitoring, supervision, micro-management, recording, snooping etc
• the subject of written complaints by other members of staff (most of whom have been coerced into fabricating allegations - the complaints are trivial, often bizarre ["He looked at me in a funny way"] and often bear striking similarity to each other, suggesting a common origin)
• forced to work long hours, often without remuneration and under threat of dismissal
• find requests for leave have unacceptable and unnecessary conditions attached, sometimes overturning previous approval. especially if the person has taken action to address bullying in the meantime
• denied annual leave, sickness leave, or - especially - compassionate leave
• when on leave, are harassed by calls at home or on holiday, often at unsocial hours
• receive unpleasant or threatening calls or are harassed with intimidating memos, notes or emails with no verbal communication, immediately prior to weekends and holidays (4pm Friday or Christmas Eve - often these are hand-delivered)
• do not have a clear job description, or have one that is exceedingly long or vague; the bully often deliberately makes the person's role unclear
• are invited to "informal" meetings which turn out to be disciplinary hearings
• are denied representation at meetings, often under threat of further disciplinary action; sometimes the bully abuses their position of power to exclude any representative who is competent to deal with bullying
• encouraged to feel guilty, and to believe they're always the one at fault
• subjected to unwarranted and unjustified verbal or written warnings
• facing unjustified disciplinary action on trivial or specious or false charges
• facing dismissal on fabricated charges or flimsy excuses, often using a trivial incident from months or years previously
• coerced into reluctant resignation, enforced redundancy, early or ill-health retirement
• denial of the right to earn your livelihood including preventing you getting another job, usually with a bad or misleading reference

 

 

For answers to more questions you might have:

Answers to frequently asked questions (FAQs) about bullying, mobbing and harassment

 

 

 

What can you do if someone you love is being bullied?

 

My grandson is small for his age.  He reads a lot and is pretty smart but he comes across as a know-it-all.  He told me once that kids called him "big head" ... I thought he meant they were saying he had a unusually large head and his head looked normal size to me ... He explained that it wasn't the size of his head they were talking about, but that they were calling him a know-it-all.  I asked him if he thought he was a know-it-all.  He said he didn't think he knew everything but he did think he was one of the smartest kids in his class, and at the time, he was ... but this weekend, he told me that his grades were suffering and that he hated school because people were mean to him.  I listened.  I asked him if kids were still picking on him and he said, "Not anymore.  I'm not the smartest kid so they leave me alone."

So they "bullied" him into being someone he isn't?  How sad is that? It got me to thinking about the pressures that are on kids these days, and how bullying is getting to be almost commonplace.  I went in search of answers for my grandson and found this website from the UK ...

We have all been bullied at one time or another ... in school, on the job, in relationships ...

What is bullying?

• constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
• simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognize your existence and value
• constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential
• where you are in a group (at work), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you
• being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on, marginalized, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
• being belittled, demeaned and patronized, especially in front of others
• being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others
• being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all
• finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarized
• having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away
• having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave refused
• being denied training necessary for you to fulfil your duties
• having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them
• ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late
• finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented
• being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation
• being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal, early or ill-health retirement, etc

How do I recognize a bully?
Who does this describe in your life?

• Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides
• is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
• uses lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing whenpeers, superiors or others are present; the motive of the charm is deception and its purpose is to compensate for lack of empathy
• relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib
• displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity
• excels at deception
• exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behavior; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or intimations of sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse (sometimes racial prejudice as well)
• exhibits much controlling behavior and is a control freak
• displays a compulsive need to criticize whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others
• when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
• often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behavior and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen
• has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness)
• when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; ifthis is insufficient, quickly feigns victim-hood, often by bursting into tears (the purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus evade accountability by manipulating others through the use of guilt)
• is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humorless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills

I estimate one person in thirty has this behavior profile. I describe them as having a disordered personality: an aggressive but intelligent individual who expresses their violence psychologically (constant criticism etc) rather than physically (assault).

Why do people bully?

The purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy. Bullying has nothing to do with managing etc; good managers manage, bad managers bully. Management is managing; bullying is not managing. Therefore, anyone who chooses to bully is admitting their inadequacy, and the extent to which a person bullies is a measure of their inadequacy. Bullies project their inadequacy on to others:

a) to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
b) to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior and the effect it has on others, and, 
c) to reduce their fear of being seen for what they are, namely a weak, inadequate and often incompetent individuals, and,
d) to divert attention away from their inadequacy - in an insecure or badly-managed workplace, this is how inadequate, incompetent and aggressive employees keep their jobs.

Bullying is an inefficient way of working, resulting in disenchantment, demoralization, demotivation, disaffection, and alienation ... Projection and denial are hallmarks of the serial bully.

Bullying is present behind all forms of harassment, discrimination, prejudice, abuse, persecution, conflict and violence ... I believe bullying is the single most important social issue of today.

What bullies fear most is exposure of their inadequacy and being called publicly to account for their behavior and its consequences. This makes sense when you remember that the purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy, and people who bully to hide their inadequacy are often incompetent.

A bully is a person who

• has never learned to accept responsibility for their behavior
• wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but who is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that are a prerequisite for being part of the adult world.
• abdicates and denies responsibility for their behavior and its consequences (abdication and denial are common features of bullying)
• is unable and unwilling to recognize the effect of their behavior on others
• does not want to know of any other way of behaving
• is unwilling to recognize that there could be better ways of behaving.

Bullying is obsessive and compulsive; the serial bully has to have someone to bully and appears to be unable to survive without a current target.

Despite the facade that such people put up, bullies have low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and thus feel insecure. Low self-esteem is a factor highlighted by all studies of bullying. Because such people are inadequate and unable to fulfil the duties and obligations of their position (but have no hesitation in accepting salary), they fear being revealed. This fear of exposure often borders on paranoia.

Bullies are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy. Rejection (which cannot be assuaged) is another powerful motivator of bullying.

Bullies are people who have not learned the lesson of consequences, that if they behave well there are good consequences (reward), but if they behave badly there are bad consequences (restriction, sanction, punishment, etc). Since childhood, bullies have learned that they can avoid the unpleasant consequences of bad behavior through the instinctive response of denial, blame, and feigning victim-hood.

I have been bullied before.  This website explains EXACTLY what bullying is.  My grandson is smart enough to understand some of this, but it won't lessen the hurt for him.  My grandson has altered his behavior. 

I understand.  How many times have we all chosen a different path to "avoid someone who was making life difficult" for us?  I have.  I would like to share what I have learned about bullies.  I want to help my grandson get through this tough time.  I remember what being bullied felt like and it hurts to think of my grandson feeling intimidated and pressured into behaving differently to avoid being bullied ... but when we change our behavior, the bully wins, and bullies don't need to get the best of us.  There are things we can do without becoming bullies too ... fighting fire with fire ...

I'd like to talk about that more tomorrow, okay?



If you would like to read more of this website, you can go to:
Bully OnLine: bullying in the workplace, school, family and community, action you can take, stress, psychiatric injury, PTSD,..

 

 

Tags: What to do if your child is being bullied, healing

Another WONDERFUL Weekend!

Thanksgiving Odds & Ends ...

1. We went to my son's for Thanksgiving.  I listened to people talk to one another without feeling emotionally invested in the conversation and I realized that 99.9% of what people say has everything to do with THEM and their view of the world!  We can only see what we are!  That's right.  If you see sweetness and light, hug yourself and look in the mirror!  That's how you see yourself!  If you see dishonesty and lies in everyone else, stand up to that same mirror and realize that the ONLY REASON you don't trust anyone else is because you do not deserve to be trusted and YOU KNOW IT, even though you try to pretend that it's really everyone else that farted!
   
   
2. My daughter-in-law is a FABULOUS cook!  She's not afraid to try new things or try new recipes.  It encourages me to get out the rut once in a while and try something new.  She made a terrific salad.  I just have to share the recipe:
   
   APPLE PEAR SALAD
   
   3 ripe Pears, washed and cut into bite size pieces
   2 Apples, washed and cut into bite size pieces
   Romaine Lettuce, cleaned and torn into salad size pieces
   
   Toss all three with lemon juice and add:
   1/2 Cup Walnuts (Pecans or almonds would work too)
   1/2 Cup Dried Cranberries
   
   Sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste (we used just a little).
   
   In a separate bowl, mix together with whisk:
   6 T. Olive Oil
   4 T. White Wine Vinegar
   2 Shallots (Green Onion), finely chopped
   2 T. Honey
   1 t. Cinnamon
   
   Drizzle over salad and toss just before serving.  It is AWESOME!
   
   
3. During dinner, my daughter-in-law's parents spoke why they choose NOT to eat pork, other than religious reasons.  I have had a tenuous relationship with pork ... ate it as a child ... watched my Dad and Uncles raise three hogs and swore off pork for decades ... eventually recovered from the trauma of what I learned about swine and eat pork occasionally now.   I make a really good dressing (stuffing) that calls for sausage.  Several times, out of respect for those who do not eat pork, I have substituted Louis Rich Turkey Sausage (found it in the freezer section by breakfast waffles if you are interested).  I can't repeat everything her Dad shared but I'm definitely OFF PORK again.  Maybe, I'll share that at another time, but for now, let me share my dressing recipe:
   
   PILGRIM'S PLEASURE SAUSAGE & APPLE STUFFING
   
   1/2 Cup Chopped Onion
   1 T. Butter
   1/2 Pound Pork (can substitute turkey sausage) Sausage
   2 medium Granny Smith Apples, peeled, cored and chopped
             to make 2 cups
   1/2 Cup chopped Pecans
   1 t. Sage
   1 t. Thyme
   1 t. Marjoram (optional)
   2 large eggs, beaten
   4 Cups Bread Cubes
   
   Preheat Oven to 325-degrees.
   In a small skillet, saute the onions in butter until soft but not browned.
   Add sausage and brown sausage, chopping finely as it cooks.
   Drain the sausage and onions.  Extra tip ... If you run hot water over the sausage, you can continue to break the sausage into smaller pieces under the hot water.
   In a large bowl, combine every thing until blended. 
   Place in greased cake pan and sprinkle top with more chopped pecans.  Cover with foil and set on baking sheet.  Bake for 30 minutes until stuffing is lightly browned on the top.  I usually uncover for the last ten minutes to roast the pecans a little extra.
   Serves 8 but recipe can easily be doubled or tripled.
   
   
4. The next day, I had my son's family and my oldest daughter's family and a few extras here at our house.  In past years when they have been with their father and later with their in-laws on Thanksgiving, I have skipped Thanksgiving.  Two years ago, I tried to make supper after they had eaten a big dinner, last year they were all here and this year we decided to do Thanksgiving the day AFTER ... next year they will all be here again ... the following year, we might do Thanksgiving on Saturday or maybe, even the NEXT weekend!  LOLOL ... Either way, scheduling holidays will become more and more of a challenge as people are added to the family ... Holidays are just a few days, but families should have family time whenever they can.  They are so worth it!
   
   
5. I cooked most of my dishes the day before so I had plenty of time to play with the kids!  Papa Joey played guitar and the kids danced on the back deck ... for hours!  They improvised and reminded me of what it's like to a kid again ... where we
   
   Love like we have never been hurt,
   Dance like nobody is watching and
   Sing like nobody is listening ...
   
   Except for one thing ... The more they danced, the more I cheered and the more they sang, the more I sang with them.  Praise carries children to outstanding places!
   
   
6. I decorated for Christmas the past few days.  I love the lights but this year the lights tested me ... Check, check and recheck the strings of lights BEFORE putting them on the tree!  After several tries and a few trips to the store, I have successfully decked the hall with white lights and crystal lights.  I think I actually heard the HALLELUJAH CHORUS when my job was done!
   
   
7. I had a little time to work in the yard this afternoon.  Joey and I put in a small block border around another flower garden ... (two more to go) ... I thought it would be quick work to help place the blocks ... so I went out there barefooted and without gloves ... (It was in the high 70s here in South Carolina ... no worries to those of you who might be in snow) ... but I lost my footing and dropped a block on a block with my hand in between.  I have a skinned knuckle and a new reminder to ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES and TENNIS SHOES even if I am only going to be out there for 5 minutes!  OUCH! 
   
   I went inside, rinsed my hand in water as hot as I could stand, used a small sewing scissors to cut away the flap of skin, poured peroxide over the whole mess, rinsed it in cold water, soaked it with peroxide again, lightly toweled it dry, put neosporin on the knuckle and covered it with a knuckle band-aide ... I've had to "doctor" my knuckles before.  You'd think I'd have the glove thing burned into my brain by now!
   

This has been a weekend chalk full of goodness and mercy and lessons and play time and chores and even a few monumental tasks ...

I'm looking forward to Monday!  How about you?

 

 

 

 

Tags: Apple Pear Salad, Pilgrim's Pleasure Sausage & Apple Stuffing

SusanBranch.com for the holidays!!!

Giving Thanks

I am thankful.

 

Please be thankful too.

My life is better because of each of YOU!

 

Hugggggggggggggggggz,

 

Taylor

 

Counting My Blessings (Instead of Sheep)

 

Bing Crosby sang this song to Rosemary Clooney in a Christmas Movie produced by Irving Berlin called WHITE CHRISTMAS.  It has always been one of my favorite holiday movies, but on this week, the week of Thanksgiving, I have found myself singing it more than once.  This year, I am choosing to recognize and honor the many things to be thankful for ...

My week has been elongated ... All the kids will be with their in-laws on Thanksgiving Day (I get them all every other year) but we agreed to get together here on Friday so I'll be cooking on Friday instead of Thursday ... That's not exactly accurate!  I've already been cooking for the last week!  LOLOL ... While I've been cooking, I've been thinking about friends and family that I have shared other Thanksgivings with ... Some are gone now, but the blessing of sharing thankfulness placed them in my memory and my heart for always.

As I tenderly remembered each of them, I touched the memory delicately like a glass Christmas ornament, softly letting my heart hold them in love and sending them or their families a quiet prayer of thankfulness that I knew them and that they touched my life in such a beautiful way.

My Thanksgiving table is full of reminders of them all ... warmth, spiciness (they know who they are!), bounty, goodness, and laughter ... always so much laughter! 

 

You know, we can spend the other 51 weeks of the year "being sad" for all the things that haven't gone our way, but on this week, I'm counting my blessings!

 

Counting Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)

 

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

 

 

I wish the goodness of gratitude

to you and your family this Thanksgiving!

TGIF ~ Five Things I Am THANKFUL For !!!

 

1.

I am THANKFUL for ...
... the kind of family that never ceases to amaze me!

Yesterday, I went over to my daughter in laws to help her hang some pictures and rearrange for my granddaughter's birthday.  IN the process, we got to talking about making a photo collage and she showed me some old pictures of her as a baby.

 

I looked at the picture and froze.  Of course, I can see my kids in my granddaughter's face, but my daughter-in-law could have been one of my own children.  She looked SO MUCH like my own kids when they were young!

I haven't totally sorted out how I feel about the whole reincarnation thing, but it's moments like this where I feel something so familiar (much like some of you here) that I think ... maybe ... I think we know so little about God and what's possible.  The older I get, the more I am filled with WONDER at the possibilities.   

  

 

 

2.

 

 

I am THANKFUL for ...
... my Grandma Happy's 95th birthday! 

Grandma turned 95 this week.  She's in pretty good health.  I have written about her before many times.  Perhaps it says it all to say that the four generations that have followed her all refer to her as "Grandma Happy"!  I can't help but WONDER ... How many of us wouldn't LOVE to reach the end of our lives with the same?
       

 

 

3.

I am THANKFUL for ...
... the kind of friends that make me THINK! 

Artists ... whether they are painters, photographers, musicians or writers or poets ... have always spoken of their muses.  The people who were touch points and sparks for their creativity.  My life is full of people just like you and new people are coming into my life every day!  

 

With your arrival, you bring new ideas and thoughts that have sent me on the most wonderful adventures.  I am learning to much to measure my life in years when so many moments are filled with WONDER!

 

 

 

4.

 

 

I am THANKFUL for ...

Continued mysteries at HEALING Creek. 

Last week, I mentioned the strange music that floats along the river valley to our house ... Now that more of the leaves have fallen, I can hear it more clearly.  It is a continuous loop of choral music.  I love it.  It sounds like angels singing!  WONDER where it's coming from?  We are no closer than we were to figuring out where it comes from.  I think I'll buy a poinsettia to give to the person as a thank you gift when I find out WHO they are!

I still see "my hawk" but the other one has not been around ... WONDER where they went?  I am hoping that Petra is right when he says the other one might be "home" waiting for the other to bring supper?  It is amazing to watch them soar ... even more relaxing than an aquarium of fish!

 

We have a new bird ... I think ... hanging out by the creek.  Usually late in the afternoon, we can hear it squawk ... It makes a noise that sounds like, "Quaw-arrrrrrrrrrk!"  WONDER what it is?  Any ideas?

 

 

5.

 

I am THANKFUL for ...
WARMTH! 

The weather is turning colder, which means I get to use some of my favorite things:

Warm Sweaters

Soft socks ... Okay, true confessions ... I LOVE socks!  All colors, especially the SOFT ones.  I must have 100 pair and when I go shopping, I often look for more ... I wear holiday socks and bright colored socks and "fun socks" (except those individual toes things ... They make me crazy!)
Cozy Throws and quilts!  Is there anything BETTER than snuggling in a quilt or a comforter or a throw?!!!
LOTS and LOTS of HOT TEA!!!  My kids LOVE this TEA and it's easy to make!

     RUSSIAN TEA (also called Friendship Tea)

     1/2 cup Instant Tea
     1 cup Tang

     1/2 cup Instant Lemonade
     1/2 cup Sugar (optional ... sweet enough without it, to me!)
     1/2 tsp. cloves

     1 tsp. cinnamon

     Mix well and store in airtight container. 

     Stir 2-3 teaspoons in a cup of hot water.

The Glow of Candles and Oil Lamps
The Warmth of a Fire Burning ... in the Fireplace Inside or the New Fire-pit Outside.
The "Excuse" to SNUGGLE ... (wink) ... I know the temperature didn't NEED to be quite so low some of the times, but isn't it fun when they are?!!!

 

 

 

 

And with that,
I close my eyes and send
Good Energy ... Happy Thoughts ... WONDER
to all of YOU.
I hope you are having a WARM weekend,
as we draw closer to the season of
THANKFULNESS !!!

 

 

 

 

 

Good Morning!

Wow!

 

I woke up early this morning, made a cup of hot tea and sat all snuggled up in my living room and watched the sun rise ... BUT the Eastern sky was still dark from thunderstorm clouds, so the sunrise actually happened in the Western Sky, where way above the retreating thunderclouds, the sun was still shining bright!

 

The wind was still blowing and what leaves are left are clinging straight out from the trees like little flags, holding tight to their tree ... for now, anyway!

 

Better get busy with the rest of my day!  After all, I got an early start!

 

Hope you all have a SUNNY day!

 

 

 

 

Accountability + Consequences = Day of Reckoning

 

 

I am quite sure that this won't be the most popular thing I have ever written.  I know even before I commit it to paper that some people will not like the idea of consequences.  I understand.  There are a lot of things I don't like either.  I am almost 50 ... and I'm not too fond of gravity but it hasn't changed one thing about the effects of gravity on me!  So, whether you believe in consequences or not ...

 

Every action, good or bad, every purposeful or accidental choice you make has consequences!

 

Whether you choose to be accountable is almost insignificant.  If you steal, someone will steal from you.  If you take something that does not belong to you, you have just given the universe permission to take something from you!  The score is always evened.  The balance is always maintained.  It's just the way things are.  People have accepted cause and effect for centuries.  Generations of parents have told generations of children ...

 

You will reap what you sow.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Waste not and want not.
Honor your father and mother so that your days will be long.

What goes around comes around.

If you live by the sword, you will die by the sword.

A soft answer turns away wrath.
You lie down with dogs.  You will get up with fleas.

You made your bed.  Now you will just have to lie in it.

Pretty is as pretty does.

Be careful for what you ask for.

 

Personal accountability is not so popular now.

Let me give you a specific example of what I am talking about.

 

A lady once asked me to look at some of her mother's jewelry and give her some idea of what it should sell for.  She took me through her mother's house and as the daughter of an auctioneer, I saw thousands of items that should have and could have gone for 100 dollars each and many items that would have made Antique Road Show drool.  She asked my advice and I gave her my BEST advice.  She also asked me to pray that her mother's estate would sell HIGH. 

I'm happy to pray with someone anytime, but I didn't know at the time that this woman had cheated the IRS for 20 years, working for under the table money and not reporting it.  This same woman later told me that she and her sister had scammed their mother out of thousands of dollars!  In the course of getting to know her, she told me story after story of times that she and her sister had cheated other people and yet she expected God to bless her mother's estate auction!

 

I have attended hundreds of auction sales and something happened at this auction that I have never seen happen before.  I watched people, not just a few, but dozens, move things from lot to lot, tuck things into their pockets, take additional boxes that were not their's.  I am bold and I did speak to a few of them and asked them what they were doing.  Every single time, they acted surprised and said they had made a mistake, but they and I both knew that it was no mistake.  I have never seen such blatant thievery!

When the auction was settled, both sisters were disappointed with the final tally and who do you think they were mad at?  They were mad at their mother for not marking things more clearly.  They were mad at the Auctioneer for not having more security and for selling things too cheap.  They were mad at the buyers who stole from them ... but saddest of all, they were mad at God!

The whole event was absolutely loaded with more greed than I have ever witnessed.  It's certainly NOT my place to pass judgment on the woman, her sister, her mother or anyone else.  I am only using her as an example of what won't work.  You can't spend your entire life ripping people off and expect God to bless you, no matter who asks!

 

Cause and effect.  If you have made a mess of your life, who else but YOU is going to clean it up?

 

If you don't take care of your body, you will get sick.

If you don't feed your mind with sound wisdom and good knowledge, you will waste your mind on foolish thinking.

If you set your heart to the pursuit of unsatisfying things, you will not be satisfied.  You will only end up feeling more depressed and anxious!
  

We can search and search and search the whole world over but our answers are NOT out there!  Our answers are inside each of us, tucked safely inside our hearts, but we have to KNOW OUR HEARTS to find them!

 

Can we take better care of our bodies?  Do we eat and drink things that aren't good for us?  Do we get enough sleep?  Do we get enough exercise?  Do we do things that will lead to good health or do we put off doing the things we should for the sake of convenience, fast food, quick drinks, not enough time and all the other excuses?

 

Can we use our minds more effectively?  Do we waste our time worrying?  Do we read trash and garbage or do we read things to improve our minds?  What do we watch on tv?  What do we listen to on the radio?  What movies do we watch?  Our minds are just like computers ... Garbage in and garbage out!

What are the desires of our hearts?  If you were leaving this earth today and you only had today to have the thing you always wanted, what would that one thing be?  You don't have to tell me or anyone else.  You will not get caught.  One day to do anything.  What would YOU choose?

 

Most of you instantly had a first thought.  Maybe, it was travel.  Maybe, it was wealth.  Maybe, it was good health.  Maybe, it was being surrounded by your family.  Maybe, it was something exotic.  Maybe, it was the cure for cancer.  Maybe, it was one last plate of waffles with your Mom.  Maybe, it was finishing that book.  Maybe, it was writing the best piece of music you have ever written.  Maybe, it was finishing your greatest painting.  There are a thousand answers and you thought of yours almost as soon as I asked the question.

 

Know your heart.  Look at your answer.  That's your truth.  That's your starting place. 


Life is cause and effect.  Our lives are not just about the good or bad works that we do.  BUT our actions do reflect the condition of our hearts.  If we do good, good will come back to us.  If we do bad, bad will come back to us.

 

Even though I am writing about it, I don't have everything figured out.  I don't have all the answers.  I have experienced cause and effect in negative ways. 

 

I was attracted to angry men and they hurt me.  DUH!  I thought I could "help" ... but angry men are too angry to even admit to themselves that they need help so my "dream" was doomed from the start!  The other side of that coin is that a "bad guy" finally thought he had found a "good woman".  I made him feel special but he had all these bigger issues that made him feel worthless and when I didn't shine bright enough to remove all those worthless feelings, it was easier to just blame me for not being good enough ... How many times did I dance that very same dance before I realized that the steps would always bring me to the very same place?  I hate to even count!

I was reaping what I sowed.  I didn't need to be "helping" anyone else as much as I needed to be "working on me"!  I'm not being hard on myself.  I'm just telling the truth about my own life.

 

 

Why oh why would we rather sit on our butts whining about how bad our lives are when life would immediately improve if we got up and did something ... ANYTHING is better than NOTHING, even if it's wrong!

 

That's it!  NO MORE WHINING!  I'm not going to let myself whine and I'm not going to listen to anyone else whine either!  Life is TOO SHORT for any of us to waste one more minute!  Get up!  Let's put our big girl panties (or big boy Pants) on ... Comb our hair, brush our teeth, hold our head up high and get started on the REST OF OUR LIVES! 

 

 

 

Tags: Recovery, Healing, Personal Responsibility, Accountability