My grandson is small for his age. He reads a lot and is pretty smart but he comes across as a know-it-all. He told me once that kids called him "big head" ... I thought he meant they were saying he had a unusually large head and his head looked normal size to me ... He explained that it wasn't the size of his head they were talking about, but that they were calling him a know-it-all. I asked him if he thought he was a know-it-all. He said he didn't think he knew everything but he did think he was one of the smartest kids in his class, and at the time, he was ... but this weekend, he told me that his grades were suffering and that he hated school because people were mean to him. I listened. I asked him if kids were still picking on him and he said, "Not anymore. I'm not the smartest kid so they leave me alone."
So they "bullied" him into being someone he isn't? How sad is that? It got me to thinking about the pressures that are on kids these days, and how bullying is getting to be almost commonplace. I went in search of answers for my grandson and found this website from the UK ...
We have all been bullied at one time or another ... in school, on the job, in relationships ...
What is bullying?
- constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
- simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognize your existence and value
- constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential
- where you are in a group (at work), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you
- being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on, marginalized, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
- being belittled, demeaned and patronized, especially in front of others
- being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others
- being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all
- finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarized
- having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away
- having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave refused
- being denied training necessary for you to fulfil your duties
- having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them
- ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late
- finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented
- being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation
- being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal, early or ill-health retirement, etc
How do I recognize a bully?
Who does this describe in your life?
- Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides
- is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
- uses lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing whenpeers, superiors or others are present; the motive of the charm is deception and its purpose is to compensate for lack of empathy
- relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib
- displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity
- excels at deception
- exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behavior; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or intimations of sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse (sometimes racial prejudice as well)
- exhibits much controlling behavior and is a control freak
- displays a compulsive need to criticize whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others
- when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
- often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behavior and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen
- has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness)
- when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; ifthis is insufficient, quickly feigns victim-hood, often by bursting into tears (the purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus evade accountability by manipulating others through the use of guilt)
- is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humorless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills
I estimate one person in thirty has this behavior profile. I describe them as having a disordered personality: an aggressive but intelligent individual who expresses their violence psychologically (constant criticism etc) rather than physically (assault).
Why do people bully?
The purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy. Bullying has nothing to do with managing etc; good managers manage, bad managers bully. Management is managing; bullying is not managing. Therefore, anyone who chooses to bully is admitting their inadequacy, and the extent to which a person bullies is a measure of their inadequacy. Bullies project their inadequacy on to others:
a) to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
b) to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior and the effect it has on others, and,
c) to reduce their fear of being seen for what they are, namely a weak, inadequate and often incompetent individuals, and,
d) to divert attention away from their inadequacy - in an insecure or badly-managed workplace, this is how inadequate, incompetent and aggressive employees keep their jobs.
Bullying is an inefficient way of working, resulting in disenchantment, demoralization, demotivation, disaffection, and alienation ... Projection and denial are hallmarks of the serial bully.
Bullying is present behind all forms of harassment, discrimination, prejudice, abuse, persecution, conflict and violence ... I believe bullying is the single most important social issue of today.
What bullies fear most is exposure of their inadequacy and being called publicly to account for their behavior and its consequences. This makes sense when you remember that the purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy, and people who bully to hide their inadequacy are often incompetent.
A bully is a person who
- has never learned to accept responsibility for their behavior
- wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but who is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that are a prerequisite for being part of the adult world.
- abdicates and denies responsibility for their behavior and its consequences (abdication and denial are common features of bullying)
- is unable and unwilling to recognize the effect of their behavior on others
- does not want to know of any other way of behaving
- is unwilling to recognize that there could be better ways of behaving.
Bullying is obsessive and compulsive; the serial bully has to have someone to bully and appears to be unable to survive without a current target.
Despite the facade that such people put up, bullies have low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and thus feel insecure. Low self-esteem is a factor highlighted by all studies of bullying. Because such people are inadequate and unable to fulfil the duties and obligations of their position (but have no hesitation in accepting salary), they fear being revealed. This fear of exposure often borders on paranoia.
Bullies are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy. Rejection (which cannot be assuaged) is another powerful motivator of bullying.
Bullies are people who have not learned the lesson of consequences, that if they behave well there are good consequences (reward), but if they behave badly there are bad consequences (restriction, sanction, punishment, etc). Since childhood, bullies have learned that they can avoid the unpleasant consequences of bad behavior through the instinctive response of denial, blame, and feigning victim-hood.
I have been bullied before. This website explains EXACTLY what bullying is. My grandson is smart enough to understand some of this, but it won't lessen the hurt for him. My grandson has altered his behavior.
I understand. How many times have we all chosen a different path to "avoid someone who was making life difficult" for us? I have. I would like to share what I have learned about bullies. I want to help my grandson get through this tough time. I remember what being bullied felt like and it hurts to think of my grandson feeling intimidated and pressured into behaving differently to avoid being bullied ... but when we change our behavior, the bully wins, and bullies don't need to get the best of us. There are things we can do without becoming bullies too ... fighting fire with fire ...
I'd like to talk about that more tomorrow, okay?
If you would like to read more of this website, you can go to:
Bully OnLine: bullying in the workplace, school, family and community, action you can take, stress, psychiatric injury, PTSD,..
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