Some Endings Are Beginnings ...

Four years ago, on this very week,
the worst relationship of my whole life ended ...
This is what happened on the last day ...

When Aydan's "other tricks" to control me quit working, he started to talk about suicide.  I had already wondered if a relationship with Aydan was worth all the trouble?  It wasn't fun being around someone who was always in a bad mood and always complaining about something ... boring work, stupid friends, demanding family, loud neighbors, dirty house, crummy truck, chronic aches and pains and me ... No wonder he was miserable and no wonder he wanted to commit suicide!  He hated everything about his life.  

Nothing Aydan had been saying was making any sense.  One minute he'd be telling me he loved me and he wanted us to work things out and the next, he was saying he hated me and he wished I was dead ... It got to where I would call him to "check his mood" before I'd even go over there.  Most of the time, he was in a bad mood so I didn't even bother going over there, and after a while, there didn't seem much reason to talk to him on the phone either. 

When his phone messages and emails starting including talk of suicide, I rolled my eyes at first, but each one got more and more serious.  I don't remember the exact words that compelled me to get involved, but I did ...

IF I HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN, I WOULD HAVE JUST CALLED 911
AND REPORTED THAT AYDAN HAD THREATENED SUICIDE AND
LET THE PROFESSIONALS DEAL WITH IT.   

I drove over to his house on a Sunday afternoon.  When I got there, Aydan came to the door looking awful.  His face was swollen like he had been in a fight, he had dark circles, and hadn't bathed or shaved in days.  He said he had passed out.

We talked on the porch fora while until it got buggy.  He asked me inside.  His house stunk.  There were dirty dishes everywhere.  The garbage was full of beer cans and there was an empty liquor bottle on the table.  He offered me a beer, drank his and then drank "mine".  

We talked in circles, as usual.  Every time I tried to get back to talking about him, he'd change the subject.  He seemed more and more uncomfortable.  He stared at the TV or off in space.  He glanced at the computer a few times, saying he had a "meeting" with someone on the internet ... (He claimed to be talking commodities) ...

The conversation wasn't going anywhere and I could see he wasn't going to kill himself ... at least, that day ... so I got up and said, "I needed to be going". 

He stopped me from leaving by asking, "What do you want from me?" 

I said, "I just want some peace.  I can accept you not loving me anymore, but I wish you didn't hate me and the rest of your life so much." 

That made him mad.  Peace?  How dare I ask for peace when I was abandoning him!  He wanted to hurt me so he said, "I just hate that you ruined my chances with the most beautiful woman in the world." (he was talking about an ex-stripper that he imagined to be interested in him ... he always threw her up in my face when he hoped to make me jealous). 

I said, "Oh, for goodness sake.  I've had enough of this nonsense.  We are both better than this.  You never cared about that woman and she never cared about you.  You can try pushing whatever buttons you want to.  They aren't going to work anymore.  Take it back, Aydan."  He smirked and said something even more hateful and I got up and faced him like I would a child and said, "Take that back!"  That infuriated him.  He jumped up and tried to pick me up and throw me out of his house.  I had gotten pretty good at "spinning out of his grip" and I said, "I don't have my shoes or my keys!  I'm not leaving until you take that back!"

Now, here's where I should have gotten my keys and shoes and left, but I still thought, at that moment, that we could talk it through, and at least, say good-bye in a nice way.  I was wrong.

Aydan went into the other room.  I thought he left to chill out, get a beer, put on a shirt, or go to the bathroom ... but never did I imagine that he went in the other room to load a shotgun!!!  My heart sank when I heard the sound of a shotgun being pumped in the kitchen.  He came around the corner with the gun and my first thought was, "Well, I believe I have just lost this argument!"

I was afraid to look up at him, afraid to confront him ... I did say, "Aw Aydan, put the gun away ..."  He was hollering and waving it around.  He showed me the gun, the chamber, the red shell, and through his spitting and red-faced screaming, he said first, that he was going to kill himself, second, that he was going to kill me and then himself, and finally that he was going to make me take him to Joey's house (my ex-husband and the man he imagined to be the source of our relationship problems) and kill him and then kill me.  I looked down and watched his movements from the corner of my eye, but when he said he wanted me to take him to Joey, I looked up. 

The fact that I hadn't looked up when he threatened himself and me, but I looked up when he threatened Joey made him go NUTS!  He flew across the room and turned the barrel of the gun sideways against my throat.  Aydan was using the gun to push me against the back of the couch and the wall.  The gun was choking me so I put my hands up to push the barrel away.  Aydan almost smiled and said as calmly as that guy in "Natural Born Killers", "Careful, Darlin', your hand is close to the trigger and I wouldn't want you to shoot up my house or kill a neighbor!"  He seemed so calm and so evil, I started to cry.  I was sure, at that moment, that he was going to kill me.

 

"DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?"

I whispered, "yes".

"ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY?"

I whispered, "no". 

(He held the gun to my throat with his right hand and punched me on the side of my head with his left fist.)

"DID I JUST HIT YOU?"

I whispered, "yes".

"DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?"

I whispered, "no".

"IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?"

I said louder and more firmly, "No Sir, It is NOT!"

I started to cry again.  I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be talking to the One I'd be seeing next!  I started to pray out loud:


"Lord, I just ask you to surround us with a legion of angels and protect us both.  I ask you to cover this house and everything in it with the blood of Jesus.  Please send your Holy Spirit to calm the angry storm ..." 

I thought about my kids, my grandkids, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters and ... and I thought about Joey.  If I was going to die anyway, NO WAY was I going to help Aydan kill anyone else!

Everything started to move in .. V-E-R-Y .. S-L-O-W .. M-O-T-I-O-N .. 
Aydan backed up a little bit, but he kept hollering.  I don't know what he said.  I was too scared.  I was thinking about my kids and wondering what would happen to them.  What would they tell my grandchildren? 

Aydan was still waving the gun around and when the point of it seemed to be pointing at me I put my arm up and pushed it to the left or the right.  My arms were like lead. 

Every time I peeked at Aydan, his face was red (almost purple) with anger ... his eyes were bugged out and he was spitting all over the place when he hollered.

One of the times I put my arm up to push the gun to the side, he grabbed my arm and pulled me up hard.  He screamed, "GET OUT."  I couldn't move!  I was afraid that if I turned my back on him, he would shoot me, because all the other times, he only hit me or pushed me when I turned my back on him. 

I kept looking down.  I saw my shoes ... My keys were on the table. 

From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I got it.  There is really no doubt when you are being threatened like that!  Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself and I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... the lie that it was MY JOB to stop him from killing himself ... a thousand things passed through my mind until the one defining thought:
   

WAKE UP, TAYLOR, WAKE UP!  DO YOU DESERVE TO DIE ... BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE, IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY RIGHT NOW!  WAKE UP!!!   

I woke up!  It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time.  Of course, I saw his anger.  It was all over the place! 

Maybe, I could run?  

Maybe it was my prayer? 

Maybe, Aydan didn't really think he'd get away with killing me? 

Maybe, for no other reason than even the worst storms end, he suddenly got quiet, backed off and emptied the shell or shells to the floor. 

I thought the gun held five shells but I didn't know how many shells were in the gun or how many fell.  My ears were ringing.  I think I counted to five ... not five shells ... just to five ... and when I got to five, I slid my feet into my shoes, grabbed my keys and I ran! 

I ran for my life!

There are some endings, so horrible, that they change us.
They change the way we live the rest of our lives
and
They change the way we look at the world
And everyone in it.

For me, that day wasn't an ending at all
It was the BEGINNING ...

(to be continued)