Co-dependent can seem just like another label unless you have lived it. I grew up in a home where the alcoholic was the center of our universe and everything was done to try and keep him happy ... Of course nothing ever really worked but that didn't stop any of us from trying because we all believed that if we worked really hard to prove to him how much we all loved him, he would see how much we loved him and be MIRACULOUSLY changed ... Of course, REAL CHANGE comes from the inside and nothing any of us did had any effect on him ... but it started a pattern in my life.
I had a lot of love to give, but I never chose people ... I chose "projects" ... as if to prove to myself and the world that IF WE LOVE SOMEONE ENOUGH, THEY WILL SEE HOW VALUABLE THEY ARE AND MIRACULOUSLY CHANGE. That is a BIG FAT LIE! It will NEVER work. People change when and IF they want to change and not one minute sooner.
I have made reference to Melody Beattie's books before but I don't think I have shared her words in depth. She is one of the best at putting my feelings into words.
Co-dependent No More
by Melody Beattie
She says:
Don't be blown about by every wind.
- We don't have to be afraid of people.
- We don't have to forfeit our peace.
- We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything.
- We don't have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people).
- We don't have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.
- We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.
- We don't have to take things so personally.
Set Yourself FREE!
We aren't the people who "make things happen". Co-dependents are the people who consistently, with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen.
- We control in the name of love.
- We do it because we are only trying to help.
- We do it because we know best how things should go and how people should behave.
- We do it because we are right and they are wrong.
- We control because we are afraid not to do it.
- We do it because we do not know what else to do.
- We do it to stop the pain.
- We control because we think we have to.
- We control because controlling is all we can think about.
- Ultimately we may control because that's the way we have always done things.
Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them or their disease. We lose the battles. We lose the wars. We lose our selves - our lives.
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel what they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. It doesn't matter if they are hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Furthermore, people will punish us for making them do something they don't want to do, or be something they don't want to be.
The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.
Detach. Surrender. Sometimes, when we do that, the result we have been waiting and hoping for happens quickly, almost miraculously. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it never happens. But you will benefit. You don't have to stop caring or loving. You don't have to tolerate abuse. You only need to put your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical hands back in your own pockets and leave things and people alone.
For each of us, there is a time to let go. You will know when the time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings.
Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.
Remove The Victim
What is the one thing co-dependents do over and over? What is it we do that keeps us feeling so bad? Co-dependents are caretakers - rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. This is it. This was my pattern. This is what we repeatedly do with friends, family, acquaintances, clients, or anybody around us.
We are the rescuers, the enablers. We not only meet people's needs, we anticipate them. We fix, nurture, and fuss over others. We make better, solve and attend to. And we do it all so well. "Your wish is my command" is our theme. "Your problem is my problem." is our motto. We are the caretakers.
I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping - situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance. These acts are the good stuff of life. Rescuing and care-taking aren't.
We rescue "victims" - people who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves. The victims actually are capable of taking care of themselves, even though we and they don't admit it. This victim, this poor person we have rescued, is not grateful for our help. He or she is not appreciative enough of the sacrifices we have made. The victim isn't behaving the way he or she should. This person is not even taking our advice, which we offered so readily. This person is not letting us fix that feeling. Something doesn't work right or feel right, so we rip off our halos and pull out our pitchforks.
Most of the time, the people we rescue immediately sense our shift in mood. They saw it coming. It's just the excuse they needed to turn on us. People resent being told or shown they are incompetent, no matter how loudly they plead incompetency. And they resent us for adding insult to injury by becoming angry with them after we point out their incompetency.
What do we do? We feeling helpless, hurt, sorrow, shame, and self-pity. We have been used ... again. We have gone unappreciated ... again. We try so hard to help people, to be good to them. We moan, "Why? Why does this always happen to me?"
Many co-dependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims of someone's abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems. Something came our way, something we didn't ask for, and it hurt us terribly. We don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed.
We don't feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are.
Giving to and doing things for and with people are essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships. But learning when not to give, when not to give in, and when not to do things for and with people are also essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships.
Isn't that comforting? Doesn't it feel better to know that someone else has felt the same way we do? Doesn't it help to know we are not alone?
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