There are side effects to recovery that I am just beginning to realize.
For those of you who may just be joining this story, I am an abuse survivor. The last abuser ended our relationship with a cocked and loaded shotgun! Aydan was trying to prove to me who was in control. He only proved to me that my life was spinning out of control ... if I was willing to waste even one more minute with a guy like that!
It was the final wake-up call. I have written about things I have learned along the way ... GREAT BIG HOLY COW THINGS ... but there are subtle changes that happen while healing too.
Let me give you an example.
I am the oldest of 10 kids. I have been helping my Mom cook since I was 9-10 years old. With all that practice, I had learned to be a pretty good cook ... I am not a measure exactly kind of cook, but a pinch of this and a pinch of that cook. I mix flavors by how they smell ... I have gone through gourmet cooking phases ... Let's just stop for fast food phases ... Do I have to cook one more meal phases ... but the worst phase of all was under the critical scrutiny of the last man who abused me ...
Aydan would direct me to do this and do that ... He would fuss if I used the wrong knife or the wrong utensil ... He hated when I tried new spices and said so ... He had weird "rules" ... no bacon or ham ... no cheese ... no macaroni ... no pasta ... no meatloaf ... no tuna ... absolutely no comfort food ... no tomatoes ... squash was okay ... potatoes and sweet potatoes were okay ... in fact, all starchy vegetables were fine ... broccoli and asparagus were not. He liked to cook everything on high (to save electricity?) but butter and most other things burn on high ... I think he wanted to stir fry everything ... but only in the stir fry pan ... and with the right utensils and in butter instead of oil? It gives me a headache to even think about all the rules ...
It was like asking Michael Angelo to paint the Sistine Chapel but only letting him use pink, purple and day-glow orange paint! It wasn't fun for me and it couldn't have been much fun for Aydan either.
The food prepared in that place was barely edible ... I would cook at home and bring it over to Aydan's house ... Aydan liked the things I brought to him, but he never really got that I could cook just fine when he would shut up and get the heck out of my way with all his stupid rules!
During my recovery, I started growing fresh herbs and flowers in containers on the back deck ... The routine of planting, watering and nurturing were good therapy for me ... It was the growing that I concentrated on ...
It just naturally followed that I started cooking with herbs again ... and used more fresh vegetables, raw or steamed. I started using herbs and other seasonings, combining flavors by smell more than taste ... I was surprised at how good some of the things tasted! Joey would drop by occasionally and mention things he had watched on the food network. We talked about cooking oils, spices, vegetable combinations ... what wines complimented what meats ... what kind of cheeses worked better than others for different things.
Bless his heart, Joey has always liked my cooking.
Joey can cook pretty well, himself, so there were times when we cooked together. We made a game of going to a nice restaurant and coming home and trying to duplicate the recipe. Cream Brulee was our first experiment. YUMMMY! Who knew that Cream Brulee could be so easy? Joey brought me a little torch and I practiced "browning" sugar ... Fun!!!
We went to an Italian restaurant and taught ourselves how to make a Seafood Alfredo with scallops, shrimp, mushrooms, bits of steak and grilled chicken, mushrooms and prosciutto. We figured out a few secrets like using a little nutmeg and a lot of garlic and our's ended up being as good as the restaurant's!
I experimented with Chili and Minestrone because I have always liked hearty soups in the winter. Joey experimented with oven-barbecuing and slow cooking meats.
Joey loves fish but I don't like the "fish camps" here where the fish is cold and greasy ... So I started pan frying orange roughy and talapia the way my folks pan fry wall-eye at home ... by rinsing and drying it, dipping it in whipped eggs and them rolling it in crushed crackers, mixed with a little flour and spices and then, pan frying it in really HOT oil until golden brown and then patting any extra oil away ...
Every time we finished an experiment, we were amazed at how much better our's was than the restaurant! Joey compliments me and tells me what his favorite part was. We talk about things wecould do next time ... like generals plotting another attack strategy ... or kids planning out the next game ... lol ...
My friends and kids have gotten in on the game. They will call and list six or seven things they have on hand and ask me what they can make with them ... We laugh at the dessert one of them made from pieces of cake stirred into a bowl of jello with whipped cream on top ... or the killer vegetable quiche we "invented" ...
I heard Joey on the phone bragging about my cooking to a friend and smiled ... He is always so complimentary. His enthusiasm is contagious. It's fun to find new ways to surprise him. (It's nice when he cooks and surprises me too.) Joey was sharing how nice it was to have a wife who could cook.
My mind wandered a little during his conversation ...
I never noticed the change because it all happened so gradually ... and cooking is such a small part of everything else ... But I AM a BETTER COOK than I ever have been! I compared what it was like to cook with all this praise and encouragement to what it was like to cook under all the judgment and criticism and how much different the end product was ... how different I am ...
I had on of those "ah-ha" moments ...
My life really has changed.
Co-dependents live "on the edge" ... Whether we are truly "on the edge" or not is almost inconsequential ... You all have at least one friend (it might be YOU!) who always seem to be on the brink of one disaster or another ... living life LARGE ... with extreme ups and downs ... bigger than life decisions about the smallest things ...
How is it my friend, Daisy said it? Making mountains out of mole hills is pole-vaulting over mole hills when we could have just as easily kicked it out of the way with our shoe? Living life that way, immersed in anxiety and stress, somehow feels normal to us co-dependents ... It feels like home ... It probably is EXACTLY like home!
What was our role? To be PERFECT, of course. We are the dysfunctional side of positive thinking ... We believe that if we are just a little bit better and a little bit nicer and a little bit smarter, we will finally have the life we always wanted if we can only be a little more PERFECT!
What nonsense!
How is it my friend, Daisy said it? Making mountains out of mole hills is pole-vaulting over mole hills when we could have just as easily kicked it out of the way with our shoe? Living life that way, immersed in anxiety and stress, somehow feels normal to us co-dependents ... It feels like home ... It probably is EXACTLY like home!
What was our role? To be PERFECT, of course. We are the dysfunctional side of positive thinking ... We believe that if we are just a little bit better and a little bit nicer and a little bit smarter, we will finally have the life we always wanted if we can only be a little more PERFECT!
What nonsense!
NOBODY'S PERFECT, AND NOONE EVER WILL BE!
A side effect of accepting myself just as I am, forgiving myself and others for not being perfect and rejoining the human race ... was choosing to live in an environment where we are ALL just human ... we can relax and let life unfold naturally. We can be more understanding and tolerant of each other.
It becomes okay to take chances because what's the worst thing that could happen?
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It might not turn out? But ... Couldn't it also turn out GREAT?
Sure it could, but we won't ever know if we don't ever try!
At my worst, I only heard other people's criticism and judgment ... but nothing anyone else said could even come close to matching the criticism and judgment I heaped on myself. I couldn't do anything right! Stir in the influence of an abusive relationship and natural disasters could occur on an hourly basis!
No wonder I was so tired!
I was stressed. I didn't sleep very well. I hadn't thought about it much lately, but I was sick all the time back then! I would get colds and flu that hung on for weeks and months. I made stupid mistakes. Things just didn't turn out. I am a good cook, but in the middle of all that, I couldn't cook anything. It felt like nothing was going right.
Is it possible to forget how to cook? I hadn't forgotten how to cook, but I had forgotten how to live! I let the criticism from myself and others turn everything SOUR! When I was afraid of making even one mistake, I made a boatload of them! When I began to truly believe that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, all things became possible.
My aha moment?
My aha moment was remembering how I felt in that toxic space and realizing how much things have changed ... how much I have changed ... how GOOD my life is now, especially when I compare it to how BAD it was then! I don't compare life now to life then very often. I'm too busy living life now to worry too much about life then, but with God as my witness, I don't know when things changed!
It seems like I went from thinking about Aydan and the abuse every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month ... to THIS PLACE where I live one day at a time ... one moment at a time ... savoring every conversation and cherishing every person ...
When did it change? I don't know! But it did!
I don't know if it's time or faith or the work done in recovery or the influence of people in my life now or the inner work I have done or the change in seasons or writing to you or the last book I read or ALL OF THE ABOVE!
It's MAGIC!
I feel like a cripple who is healed and so excited about being healed that I run all the way home before I realize I ran all the way home!!! Hug me somebody! I'm healed! Look at this! I can run and I can hop and I can skip and I can jump on one leg and I can stand on my head and I can leap over tall buildings and outrun locomotives!!!
LOL!!!
(spinning and whirling like a dervish!)
I am HEALED!!! I can cook and I can paint and I can write and I can sew and I can grow the best herbs and vegetables and the prettiest flowers! I can find joy in every day miracles and my life is CHOCK FULL of them! Come meet my friends! I want them to meet you! You guys are AMAZING! Do you know YOU inspired me too?
Group Hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come celebrate with me! Life is GOOD! It doesn't have to be full of judgement and criticism! We can be FREE! Our loved ones can be FREE! Heck, our enemies can be FREE too! There's enough HEALING for everyone ... It started with just one step ... just ONE STEP ...
Let me tell you about it!
A side effect of accepting myself just as I am, forgiving myself and others for not being perfect and rejoining the human race ... was choosing to live in an environment where we are ALL just human ... we can relax and let life unfold naturally. We can be more understanding and tolerant of each other.
It becomes okay to take chances because what's the worst thing that could happen?
|
It might not turn out? But ... Couldn't it also turn out GREAT?
Sure it could, but we won't ever know if we don't ever try!
At my worst, I only heard other people's criticism and judgment ... but nothing anyone else said could even come close to matching the criticism and judgment I heaped on myself. I couldn't do anything right! Stir in the influence of an abusive relationship and natural disasters could occur on an hourly basis!
No wonder I was so tired!
I was stressed. I didn't sleep very well. I hadn't thought about it much lately, but I was sick all the time back then! I would get colds and flu that hung on for weeks and months. I made stupid mistakes. Things just didn't turn out. I am a good cook, but in the middle of all that, I couldn't cook anything. It felt like nothing was going right.
Is it possible to forget how to cook? I hadn't forgotten how to cook, but I had forgotten how to live! I let the criticism from myself and others turn everything SOUR! When I was afraid of making even one mistake, I made a boatload of them! When I began to truly believe that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, all things became possible.
My aha moment?
My aha moment was remembering how I felt in that toxic space and realizing how much things have changed ... how much I have changed ... how GOOD my life is now, especially when I compare it to how BAD it was then! I don't compare life now to life then very often. I'm too busy living life now to worry too much about life then, but with God as my witness, I don't know when things changed!
It seems like I went from thinking about Aydan and the abuse every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month ... to THIS PLACE where I live one day at a time ... one moment at a time ... savoring every conversation and cherishing every person ...
When did it change? I don't know! But it did!
I don't know if it's time or faith or the work done in recovery or the influence of people in my life now or the inner work I have done or the change in seasons or writing to you or the last book I read or ALL OF THE ABOVE!
It's MAGIC!
I feel like a cripple who is healed and so excited about being healed that I run all the way home before I realize I ran all the way home!!! Hug me somebody! I'm healed! Look at this! I can run and I can hop and I can skip and I can jump on one leg and I can stand on my head and I can leap over tall buildings and outrun locomotives!!!
LOL!!!
(spinning and whirling like a dervish!)
I am HEALED!!! I can cook and I can paint and I can write and I can sew and I can grow the best herbs and vegetables and the prettiest flowers! I can find joy in every day miracles and my life is CHOCK FULL of them! Come meet my friends! I want them to meet you! You guys are AMAZING! Do you know YOU inspired me too?
Group Hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come celebrate with me! Life is GOOD! It doesn't have to be full of judgement and criticism! We can be FREE! Our loved ones can be FREE! Heck, our enemies can be FREE too! There's enough HEALING for everyone ... It started with just one step ... just ONE STEP ...
Let me tell you about it!
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