A lot of blogs write about addiction ... Some people are in the middle of active addiction and may not even realize it. Others are beginning their recovery with white knuckled sobriety. Some have settled into recovery, always being mindful that there is a part of our lives where we must never let down our guard ...
Recovery is never pretty and neat. Every hidden issue comes bubbling to the surface in the most unattractive way. Those issues surface when we are under stress and usually when it it's the LEAST convenient!
I have come to a calm, peaceful chapter and I have to admit I enjoy this peaceful place ... But my life hasn't always been so peaceful. It's only been a few years since my world was turned upside down and chaos ruled the day!
I am an addict. I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol but I am addicted to dysfunctional relationships. I have had and always will have a weakness for someone with a story. I am a co-dependent and as a co-dependent, I have wasted most of my life trying to "save" people who didn't really want to be saved!
I have come to a calm, peaceful chapter and I have to admit I enjoy this peaceful place ... But my life hasn't always been so peaceful. It's only been a few years since my world was turned upside down and chaos ruled the day!
I am an addict. I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol but I am addicted to dysfunctional relationships. I have had and always will have a weakness for someone with a story. I am a co-dependent and as a co-dependent, I have wasted most of my life trying to "save" people who didn't really want to be saved!
Co-dependent rescue missions never really work out. In fact, it's like playing with fire and guess who gets burned? That's right. The co-dependent!
My last "project" was a particularly disturbed man named Aydan. I was as determined to "help - change - fix" him as he was determined to stay exactly the same. No woman was going to change him when he already knew "he was perfect in every way"! In the war for control ... there were a lot of casualties, but the relationship was the first to go! Aydan abused me. Things just kept getting worse and worse until one day he threatened me with a loaded shotgun.
No one had ever made me feel so unimportant ... so insignificant ... The experience shocked me! I didn't know what to think. In the confusion and the process of sorting things out, I found REAL HEALING ... the kind of healing that worked it's way into every cell and every fiber of my being ... I had to ask myself HARD QUESTIONS and look for the REAL answers. I had to reprogram the old habits and the old ways of doing things. Out of necessity, I had to stop taking care of everyone else and really take care of me ... not just the recent hurts but to reach for the ones from way back and deep down ... I had ignored a lot of hurt. I couldn't ignore it anymore. It was time to clear my mind and my heart ... and in the process, the chaos quit swirling around me and I found a peace and calm I never would have imagined possible!
Does it mean that I am floating on a lotus flower in the middle of some heavenly cerulean blue sea?
Of course not!
Of course not!
Does it mean that my life turned totally perfect and I never have any challenges?
Of course not!
Of course not!
Does it mean that no matter what life deals out next, I know that I know that I will be okay?
ABSOLUTELY!
ABSOLUTELY!
It might be rough going sometimes but I'll be okay ... I might grumble. I might complain. I might cry! But, I won'tgive up! From the minute trouble appears on the horizon, I will remind myself that it just means I have a lesson to learn and more work to do! I'm not afraid to learn something new. I'm not afraid to change if I need to change. I'm not afraid of work.
Learning, Change and Work all have their own rewards ...
My relationship with Aydan was not LOVE or PASSION. It was ADDICTION. Aydan painted a beautiful picture of himself and his life and I was so mesmerized by the image, that even when the picture was falling apart right before my eyes, I held unto that false image and false hope the way any addict holds on to their first high. I got lost in the addiction.
Addiction is getting hooked on something that isn't really good for us.
The more we become addicted, the more harm the thing we are addicted to brings to our life. Our bodies suffer. Our emotions suffer. Our minds suffer. Our spirits suffer. Our hearts suffer.
We lose ourselves. We lose control.
We begin to hate the thing we are addicted to but we can't see any way to get away from it until one day, something REALLY BAD happens.
It's our wake-up call!
Not everyone reacts to the wake-up call the same way ... I was a hit the snooze button, rollover and go back to sleep and maybe, things will be better when I wake up later kinda girl ... I had several wake-up calls before the LAST one that finally woke me up ...
Not everyone reacts to the wake-up call the same way ... I was a hit the snooze button, rollover and go back to sleep and maybe, things will be better when I wake up later kinda girl ... I had several wake-up calls before the LAST one that finally woke me up ...
THAT ONE woke me up FOREVER!
It doesn't matter anymore to me who did what or who said what, but apparently, it still matters to Aydan. Someone claiming to be Aydan or someone claiming to be "his friend" still try to bring that false image back to my life. It appears that Aydan is unhappy with the way things went in court so he would like to re-try the case ... Aydan's being a bully about it ... insisting on repeating his "story" over and over and over again ...
It takes a lot of work to keep up a false image ...
Aydan seems fixed on changing my mind about what he did to me instead of changing even one thing about himself ... Aydan won't find my mind to be so easily changed as it once was. There was a time when he could weave the most magical tale and I'd lap it up like a kitten drinking warm milk ... but this kitten was almost poisoned by that warm milk!
It takes a lot of work to keep up a false image ...
Aydan seems fixed on changing my mind about what he did to me instead of changing even one thing about himself ... Aydan won't find my mind to be so easily changed as it once was. There was a time when he could weave the most magical tale and I'd lap it up like a kitten drinking warm milk ... but this kitten was almost poisoned by that warm milk!
ADDICTION is what it is ... We can be away from the alcohol, the drug or the relationship for years but we will always be just one sip away ... just one hit away ... just one conversation away from ACTIVE ADDICTION.
Recovery is just that! Recovery means accepting the truth as it is. The truth is that I have a weakness. Most of the time, that weakness no longer effects my life or the lives of my loved ones, but I must never forget that it is with God's help and a lot of inner work that I will stay "sober" ... I can embrace most of life, but just like in the Bible story of Adam and Eve, I have this one place I must never go ... not today ... not tomorrow ... not EVER.
I know I can do it today.
I choose to live my own life poison-free today ... one day at a time ...
I know I can do it today.
I choose to live my own life poison-free today ... one day at a time ...
Have you ever been to a bar and seen an old man, sitting in the corner, huddled over his drink, talking to himself? Did you ever wonder what he was saying?
I think I know! I think he's talking to the drink!
Every addict wishes they could come to terms with the thing they are addicted to ... Deep down, we always believe - hope - wish that we could control the addiction ... that we are going to be the exception ... that we can find a way to "make friends" with the thing we are addicted to ...
It's kind of like an advanced addiction, where we are no longer using or involved actively with the thing we were addicted to ... but we wish we could "see it one more time" ... to make everything right ... (or so we tell ourselves) ...
Every addict wishes they could come to terms with the thing they are addicted to ... Deep down, we always believe - hope - wish that we could control the addiction ... that we are going to be the exception ... that we can find a way to "make friends" with the thing we are addicted to ...
It's kind of like an advanced addiction, where we are no longer using or involved actively with the thing we were addicted to ... but we wish we could "see it one more time" ... to make everything right ... (or so we tell ourselves) ...
It would be so easy for me to take all the things I have learned and try to share the goodness of it with my former enemy ... but while that might sound almost saintly on the surface, any other recovering addict will see it as just another way to do an old thing ... and no matter how it's disguised ... It would be "Co-dependent Taylor" firing up the MOST dysfunctional relationship of my life ... one that almost cost me my life!
No matter how tempting it is to get pulled back into the addiction ... No matter how good the motive might be ...
IF ANY THOUGHT, WORD OR ACTION LANDS US ANY WHERE NEAR THE ADDICTION, WE NEED TO RUN - DON'T WALK - RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!
I really don't like being reminded of my addiction!
Would a reasonable person give a recovering alcoholic a sip of wine?
Would a reasonable person give a recovering alcoholic a sip of wine?
No.
Would a reasonable person send a recovering addict a care package of drugs?
Would a reasonable person send a recovering addict a care package of drugs?
No.
It's the same thing with me and that relationship! I don't really want or need any communication from that relationship. It was a hurtful period of my life. It could and would hurt me again, BUT only if I let it, and I WILL NOT LET IT!
So as politely and clearly as possible, in front of all you witnesses, I'm going to "talk to the drink" and say:
Aydan,
Aren't you tired of fighting? You are like a small child who wants to prove to the world that he's a man by punching and swinging and fighting with everyone, but you are still just a little boy and I am not going to hurt you!
I am NOT your enemy. YOU are YOUR ENEMY! When will you see that YOU are your only REAL casualty in this war? YOU are the only one you are punishing!
I am NOT your enemy. YOU are YOUR ENEMY! When will you see that YOU are your only REAL casualty in this war? YOU are the only one you are punishing!
I have seen you at your very worst and I CHOSE to forgive you anyway, not because of anything you did or didn't do, but because FORGIVENESS is the only option. So while you swing away at shadows and enemies that don't exist, I'll sit here, quietly, on the sidelines, asking God to bring PEACE to your warring soul.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear God's voice telling you that HE LOVES YOU and He wants you to be happy and healthy? He has a wonderful life planned for you but you have to stop shadow boxing and go on a walk with Him ... It will be okay.
Do you really want to be happy, or have you gotten too good at the war you rage against yourself?
Do you really want to be happy, or have you gotten too good at the war you rage against yourself?
I am sorry for your struggles. I am sorry for the way your struggles caused me to struggle but I can't help you. Maybe, you are a good person with other people but you weren't a good person with me. Maybe, I am a good person with other people but I was not a good person with you. What does it matter now? None of it was real anyway.
REALITY is was what happened after you were gone. REALITY was when I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had to take responsibility for the part I played in what happened to me and work on the things I could to make sure that those bad things never happen again.
In the story of my life, you are a bad guy, but you are also the best/worst mistake that brought my life into recovery ... Things were the way they were.
There is nothing I can do to change one thing about the past ... but I can change today ... and today, I choose HEALING. If I am reminded of that unhappy time, I choose, one more time, to forgive you and myself for allowing that addiction to become large enough to almost end my life.
There is nothing I can do to change one thing about the past ... but I can change today ... and today, I choose HEALING. If I am reminded of that unhappy time, I choose, one more time, to forgive you and myself for allowing that addiction to become large enough to almost end my life.
I am a recovering addict and impossible relationships are the drug. I need to walk away one more time. I need to choose my own sobriety. I need to continue to do the inner work. Every time I choose to walk away, walking away gets easier and more acceptable to me and my friends and family. I am getting stronger and I have a good network of support.
I do understand the effect that you had on my life, but nothing I have learned will be of any value to you. I don't really know anything about the REAL you or the choices that you made. I was addicted to the FALSE SELF you projected and the pretty stories you told. I can't help you figure anything out. I can't help you. But you can find your own answers if you choose to look for them. I wish you all the best that life has to offer.
Love and Light from HEALING Creek ...
Okay witnesses ... I'm done talking to "the drink" ... I got that out of my system ... Could someone else deal with it now, please? I need to walk away and get some air ...
Breathe deep, Taylor.
Simple! That was easy enough ...
Breathe again ... Good, Fresh Air!
Think about your life. Count your blessings.
Another deep breath ... Goodgirl!
Peace and calm are so much easier when they come from the inside out!
Tomorrow, I'd like to talk to you about co-dependency ... from the inside out ...
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