Co-Dependent No More - Part 2

(more excerpts from  Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie)  

Undependence  

Whether co-dependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for.  

This child in us believes we are unlovable and will never find the comfort we are seeking; sometimes this vulnerable child becomes too desperate.  People have abandoned us, emotionally and physically.  People have rejected us.  People have believed us, let us down.  People have never been there for us; they have not seen, heard or responded to our needs.  We may come to believe that people will never be there for us.  For many of us, even God seems to have gone away.  

We have been there for so many people.  Most of us desperately want someone to finally be there for us.  We need someone, anyone, to rescue us from the stark loneliness, alienation, and pain.  We want some of the good stuff, and the good stuff is not in us.  Pain is in us.  We feel so helpless and uncertain.  Others look so powerful and assured.  We conclude the magic must be in them.  

So we become dependent on them.  We can become dependent on lovers, spouses, friends, parents, or our children.  We become dependent on their approval.  We become dependent on their presence.  We become dependent on their need for us.  We become dependent on their love, even though we believe we will never receive their love; we believe we are unlovable and nobody has ever loved us in a way that met our needs.  

Needing people too much can cause problems.  Other people become the key to our happiness.  I believe much of the other-centerdness, orbiting our lives around other people, goes hand in hand with co-dependency and springs out of our emotional insecurity.  I believe much of this incessant approval seeking we indulge in also comes from insecurity.  The magic is in others, not us, we believe.  The good feelings are in them, not us.  The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others.  They have it all; we have nothing.  Our existence is not important.  We have been abandoned and neglected so often that we also abandon ourselves.  

Sometimes, no human being could be there for us in the way we need them to be - to absorb us, care for us, and make us feel good, complete and safe.  

Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little.  We may become dependent on troubled people - alcoholics and other people with problems.  We can become dependent on people we don't particularly like or love.  Sometimes, we need people so badly we settle for nearly anyone.  We may need people who don't meet our needs. 

We may find ourselves in situations where we need someone to be there for us, but the person we have chosen cannot or will not do that.  

We may even convince ourselves that we can't live without someone and will wither and die if that person is not in our lives.  If that person is an alcoholic or deeply troubled, we may tolerate abuse and insanity to keep him or her in our lives, to protect our source of emotional security.  Our need becomes so great that we settle for too little.  Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from our relationships.  

Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinarily mortals do as a matter of course.  What is so lovable?  No response?  The answer doesn't come, but the power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.  

Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love.  Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than love, can become self-destructive.  They don't work.  Too much need drives people away and smothers love.  It scares people away.  It attracts the wrong kind of people.  And our real needs don't get met.  Our real needs become greater and so does our despair.  We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness.  We forfeit our lives to do this.  And we become angry at this person.  We are being controlled by him or her.  We are dependent on that person.  We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person.  

There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become undependent. 

Here are some ideas that may help:

1. Finish up business from our childhoods, as best we can.  Grieve.  Get some perspective.  Figure out how events from our childhoods are effecting what we're doing now.
   ... Of course he had never been there for me.  He was an alcoholic.  We had never been there for anyone, including himself.  I also began to realize that underneath my sophisticated veneer, I felt unlovable.  Very unlovable.  Some where, hidden inside of me, I had maintained a fantasy that I had a loving father who was staying away from me - who was rejecting me - because I wasn't good enough.  There was something wrong with me.  Now I knew the truth.  It wasn't me that was unlovable.  It wasn't me that was screwed up, although I know I've got problems.  It was him.
2. Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us.  The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become.  Stress may cause the child to cry out.  Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we at least expect it.
3. Stop looking for happiness in other people.  Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us.  Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
4. We can learn to depend on ourselves.  Maybe other people haven't been there for us, but we can start being there for us.   We can trust ourselves.  We can handle and cope with the events, problems, and feelings life throws our way.  We can trust our feelings and our judgments.  We can solve our problems.  We can learn to live with unresolved problems, too.  We must trust the people we are learning to depend upon - ourselves.
5. We can depend on God, too.  He's there, and He cares.  Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security.  I can find comfort and security in knowing that God is always watching over my life.
6. Strive for undependence.  Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.  

We can do it.  We don't have to feel strong all the time to be undependent and taking care of ourselves.  We can and probably will have feelings of fear, weakness, and even hopelessness.  That is normal and even healthy.  Real power comes from feeling our feelings, not from ignoring them.  Real strength comes, not from pretending to be strong all the time, but from acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities when we feel this way.  

Many of us have dark nights.  Many of us have uncertainty, loneliness, and the pang of needs and wants that beg to bemet and yet, go seemingly unnoticed.  Sometimes the way is foggy and slippery, and we have no hope.  All we can feel is fear.  All we can see is the dark.  

You can get through the dark situations, too.  You can take care of yourself and trust yourself.  Trust God.  Go as far as youcan see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther.  It's called one day at a time.

The Difference Between Love & Addiction  

Love                               
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Addiction
Dependent, based on security and comfort; use intensity of need and infatuation as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness).  

Love 
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Addiction
Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.  

Love
Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in their own worth.
Addiction
Preoccupation with other's behavior; dependent on other's approval for own identity and self worth.  

Love
Trust; Openness.
Addiction
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears, competition.  

Love
Mutual integrity preserved.
Addiction
One partner's needs suspended for the other's; self-deprivation.  

Love
Willingness to risk and be real.
Addiction
Search for perfect invulnerability - eliminates possible risks.  

Love
Room for exploration of feelings in and of relationship.
Addiction                                                                   
Reassurance through repeated, ritualized activity.  

Love
Ability to enjoy being alone.
Addiction
Intolerance - unable to endure separations (even in conflict); hang on even tighter.  Undergo withdrawal - loss of appetite, restless, lethargic, disoriented agony.  

Breakups:

Love
Accept breakup without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self worth.
Addiction
Feel inadequate, worthless; often one-sided decision.  

Love
Wants best for partner, though apart; can become friends.
Addiction
Violent ending - often hate other; try to inflict pain; manipulationto get other back.

One-Sided Addiction  
Denial, fantasy; overestimation of other's commitment.  Seeks solutions outside self - drugs, alcohol, new lover, change of situation.

Live Your Own Life  

We may be in so much emotional distress we think we have no life;  all we are is or pain.  That's not true.  We are more than our problems.  We can be more than our problems.  

Just because life has been this painful so far doesn't mean it has to keep hurting.  Life doesn't have to hurt so much, and it won't - if we begin to change.  It may not be all roses from here on out, but it doesn't have to be all thorns either.  We need to and can develop our own lives.  

We take into account our responsibilities to other people, because that is what responsible people do.  But we also know we count.  We try to eliminate "shoulds" from our decisions and learn to trust ourselves.  If we listen to ourselves and our higher power, we will not be misled.  Giving ourselves what we need and learning to live self-directed lives requires faith.  We need enough faith to get on with our lives, and we need to do at least a little something each day to begin to move forward.

Tags: Codependency, co-dependent, codependent no more, recovery, healing

Co-Dependent No More - Part 1

We talked about the people who have hurt us ... Let's talk about us (and why we got hurt) for a while.

I don't know how it is with you but I do best when I keep reading.  No matter how many times I read some of the same things, I always learn something new.  I have made reference to Melody Beattie's books before but I don't think I have shared her words in depth.  She is one of the best at putting my feelings into words.  

Co-dependent No More
by Melody Beattie  

She says:

Don't be blown about by every wind. 

We don't have to be afraid of people.
We don't have to forfeit our peace.
We don't have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything.
We don't have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people).
We don't have to take other people's behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.
We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.
We don't have to take things so personally.

Set Yourself FREE!  

We aren't the people who "make things happen".  Co-dependents are the people who consistently, with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen.  

We control in the name of love.
We do it because we are only trying to help.
We do it because we know best how things should go and how people should behave.
We do it because we are right and they are wrong.
We control because we are afraid not to do it.
We do it because we do not know what else to do.
We do it to stop the pain.
We control because we think we have to.
We control because controlling is all we can think about.
Ultimately we may control because that's the way we have always done things.  

Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers.  We have met our match when we attempt to control them or their disease.  We lose the battles.  We lose the wars.  We lose our selves - our lives.

You didn't cause it.  You can't control it. You can't cure it.  

People ultimately do what they want to do.  They feel what they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change.  It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right.  It doesn't matter if they are hurting themselves.  It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

IT DOESN'T MATTER.  

Furthermore, people will punish us for making them do something they don't want to do, or be something they don't want to be.  

The only person you can now or ever change is yourself.  The only person that it is your business to control is yourself.  

Detach.  Surrender.  Sometimes, when we do that, the result we have been waiting and hoping for happens quickly, almost miraculously.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it never happens.  But you will benefit.  You don't have to stop caring or loving.  You don't have to tolerate abuse.  You only need to put your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical hands back in your own pockets and leave things and people alone.  

For each of us, there is a time to let go.  You will know when the time has come.  When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach.  Deal with your feelings. 

Face your fears about losing control.  Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities.  Free others to be who they are.  In so doing, you will set yourself free.    

REMOVE THE VICTIM  

What is the one thing co-dependents do over and over?  What is it we do that keeps us feeling so bad?  Co-dependents are caretakers - rescuers.  They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized.  This is it.  This was my pattern.  This is what we repeatedly do with friends, family, acquaintances, clients, or anybody around us.  

We are the rescuers, the enablers.  We not only meet people's needs, we anticipate them.  We fix, nurture, and fuss over others.  We make better, solve and attend to.  And we do it all so well.  "Your wish is my command" is our theme.  "Your problem is my problem." is our motto.  We are the caretakers.  

I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping - situations where our assistanceis legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance.  These acts are the good stuff of life.  Rescuing and care-taking aren't.  

We rescue "victims" - people who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves.  The victims actually are capable of taking care of themselves, even though we and they don't admit it.  This victim, this poor person we have rescued, is not grateful for our help.  He or she is not appreciative enough of the sacrifices we have made.  The victim isn't behaving the way he or she should.  This person is not even taking our advice, which we offered so readily.  This person is not letting us fix that feeling.  Something doesn't work right or feel right, so we rip off our halos and pull out our pitchforks.  

Most of the time, the people we rescue immediately sense our shift in mood.  They saw it coming.  It's just the excuse they needed to turn on us.  People resent being told or shown they are incompetent, no matter how loudly they plead incompetency.  And they resent us for adding insult to injury by becoming angry with them after we point out their incompetency.  

What do we do?  We feeling helpless, hurt, sorrow, shame, and self-pity.  We have been used ... again.  We have gone unappreciated ... again.  We try so hard to help people, to be good to them.  We moan, "Why?  Why does this always happen to me?"  

Many co-dependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims of someone's abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people.  We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems.  Something came our way, something we didn't ask for, and it hurt us terribly.   We don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. 

We don't feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are.  

Giving to and doing things for and with people are essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships.  But learning when not to give, when not to give in, and when not to do things for and with people are also essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships.

Isn't that comforting?  Doesn't it feel better to know that someone else has felt this way too?  Doesn't it help to know we are not alone?  

Tags: Codependency, co-dependent, codependent no more, recovery, healing

Abusers, Narcissists & Sociopaths - Review

We just spent a little time looking at Narcissists and Sociopaths, who they are and how they are.  Of course, we didn't look at them clinically when we met them!  We romanticized their flaws, ignored their shortcomings and justified their "bad moods" ... but those flaws, shortcomings and "bad moods" were the very thing that got our attention.

If we keep making the same choices even when those choices don't work, we haven't learned anything!  We will get hurt again.  No one wants that.

Let's look at those character lists again:

You'll notice that they share some of the same characteristics, the biggest of which is that none of them is capable of empathy.  That means, no matter how bad he makes you feel, he can't put himself in your shoes!

DOES HE LOVE YOU?  

An abuser might be addicted to the idea of controlling you but ABUSE is the opposite of LOVE.  Abusers can be nice and even kind to the rest of the world while saving their brutality for their partner or children. 

Narcissists can't love anyone as much as they love themselves.  They are eternal 6 year olds.  Everything is all about them all the time all the way.  Narcissists can put their rage on simmer, but most of the time, they rage at the world.  They are arrogant, selfish, haughty and rude to everyone. 

Sociopaths don't love.  They are more charming then the Abuser or the Narcissist, but there's always an angle.  Life is a game.  They make their own rules.  They must win and they don't care who gets hurt as long as they win.  The people around them are usually taken in by them and never even know until it's too late that they are being damaged!   

IS HE SORRY FOR ABUSING YOU? 

Abusers blame their victims and justify or deny their abuse.  Narcissism is a personality disorder.  Nothing makes sense.  Since they are never wrong, they don't expect us to question their actions, and if we do, they'll show us what real abuse is like!  Sociopaths are mentally ill.  They don't have a conscience.  They are not sorry for any harm they cause.  A sociopath is only sorry when he gets caught, IF he gets caught.  

All three will express remorse for just one reason ... to get you to come closer so they can slap you!

Characteristics of a Batterer / Abuser

• Jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation of victim
• Blames others for his problems
• Blames others for his feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to animals or children
• "Playful" use of force during sex
• Verbal abuse
• Rigid sex roles
• Jekyll and Hyde type personality
• History of past battering
• Threats of violence
• Breaking or striking objects
• Any force during an argument
• Objectification of women
• Tight control over finances
• Minimization of the violence
• Manipulation through guilt
• Extreme highs and lows
• Expects her to follow his orders
• Frightening rage
• Use of physical force
• Closed mindedness

How to Recognize a Narcissist

• Amoral / conscienceless
• Authoritarian
• Care only about appearances
• Contemptuous
• Critical of others
• Cruel
• Disappointing gift-givers
• Don't recognize own feelings
• Envious and competitive
• Feel entitled
• Flirtatious or seductive
• Grandiose
• Hard to have a good time with
• Hate to live alone
• Hyper-sensitive to criticism
• Impulsive
• Lack sense of humor
• Naive
• Passive
• Pessimistic
• Religious
• Secretive
• Self-contradictory
• Stingy
• Strange work habits
• Unusual eating habits
• Weird sense of time
• Other Characteristics of A Narcissist:
• An exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or high status people
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a sense of entitlement
• Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own needs
• Lacks empathy Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
• Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.

Profile of A Sociopath

• Glibness / Superficial Charm
• Manipulative and Conning
• Grandiose Sense of Self
• Pathological Lying
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
• Shallow Emotions
• Incapacity for Love
• Need for Stimulation
• Callousness / Lack of Empathy
• Poor Behavioral Controls / Impulsive Nature
• Early Behavior Problems / Juvenile Delinquency
• Irresponsibility / Unreliability
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior / Infidelity 
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
• Other Related Qualities:
• Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
• Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
• Authoritarian
• Secretive
• Paranoid
• Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
• Conventional appearance
• Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
• Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
• Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love
• Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
• Incapable of real human attachment to another
• Unable to feel remorse or guilt
• Extreme narcissism and grandiose
• May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

The Bottom Line? 

I wouldn't want to go camping in the rain with any of these guys!

All three share enough characteristics that you may think an abuser is mean enough to be narcissistic or a narcissist can seem icy enough to be a sociopath.  In one of his RAGES, he can seem like the very worst of all three.  It doesn't really matter what category your man might fit into most ... All three can be very dangerous to the women who love them. 

WILL HE HURT YOU AGAIN?

From the first time he hurts you and finds a way to justify it in his own mind, he has already moved to the next level of cruelty.  The next time he hurts you, it will be worse, and he will find a way to justify that too.  People either get better or worse.  Be honest with yourself.  Has he been hurting you more or less?  Don't count the "rests" in between temper tantrums.  Did he holler louder and hit harder this time?  Will you survive next time?  How much more can you take?  Is it worth it? 

DANGER SIGNS IN ABUSIVE MEN*

• He is extremely jealous and possessive.
• His violent behavior and threats have been escalating.
• He follows you, monitors your whereabouts, or stalks you in other ways.
• You are taking steps to end the relationship or have already done so.
• He was violent toward you during one or more of your pregnancies.
• He has been sexually violent toward you.
• He has threatened to kill you or hurt you badly, has choked you, or has threatened you with a weapon.
• He has access to weapons and is familiar with their use.
• He seems obsessed with you.
• He is depressed, suicidal, or show signs of not caring what happens to him.
• He isn't close to anyone.
• He has significant criminal history.
• He uses or threatens violence against other people.
• He abuses substances (alcohol, drugs, prescription meds, steroids, etc.) heavily.
• He has been abusive to children.
• His past violence toward you, or toward other partners, has been frequentor severe.
• He has killed or abused pets, or has other terror tactics.
• He uses pornography.  
• He exhibited extreme behaviors when you made previous attempts to leave.
• He is familiar with your routines, the addresses of your friends and relatives, the location of your workplace, or other personal information he can use to locate you.  

A small number of abusers who kill or severely injure their partners do so with FEW OR NONE of the above elements known to be present, which is all the more reason to rely ultimately on your own "gut" feelings of how dangerous he is.*  

If you are prepared to leave your relationship, safety planning, becomes even more important.  If you are afraid of your partner, don't tell him that you are breaking up with him until you have a clear plan and feel that you can inform him in a safe way.  Then break all contact with him.  Staying out of touch with an abusive ex-partner can be very difficult.  The more you are afraid of him, the more tempted you may feel to check up on how he is doing, because in the past your safety may have depended on your constant awareness of his moods and readiness to respondto them.  But making contact with him can be very dangerous as he may sound friendly and say that he just wants to see you for one final talk or to say good-bye, and then use that opportunity to attack you physically or sexually. 

I have been aware of a few cases where the man made an innocent sounding excuse to get together "just once" and then murdered the woman for having left him.  It is natural to have the hope of staying friends with an ex-partner, but this is rarely possible with an abusive man and is absolutely impossible with one who is physically dangerous to you.*  

(* This last portion is an excerpt from: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN by Lundy Bancroft)  

How long can you love a man that can't love you back?

Tags: Abusers, Narcisissts, Sociopaths, Recovery, Healing

The Sociopath Next Door - Part 2

What were we talking about?  Oh, that's right, Dr. Stout's book, the sociopath next door.  This seems like a good place to pick it back up:

You can't appeal to their conscience if they don't have any!  

Sociopathy is more than just the absence of conscience, which alone would be tragic enough.  Sociopathy is the inability to process emotional experience, including love and caring, except when such experience can be calculated as a coldly intellectual task.  

As a counterpart to sociopathy, the condition of narcissism is particularly interesting and instructive.  Narcissism is, in metaphorical sense, one half of what sociopathy is.  Even clinical narcissists are able to feel most emotions as strongly as anyone else does, from guilt and sadness to desperate love and passion.  The half that is missing is the crucial ability to understand what other people are feeling.  Narcissism is a failure not of conscience but of empathy, which is the capacity to perceive emotions in others and so react to them appropriately.  The poor narcissist cannot see past his own nose, emotionally speaking, and as with the Pillsbury doughboy, any input from the outside will spring back as if nothing had happened.  Unlike sociopaths, narcissists often are in psychological pain, and may sometimes seek psychotherapy.  When a narcissist looks for help, one of the underlying issues is usually that, unbeknownst to him, he is alienating his relationships on account of his lack of empathy with others, and is feeling confused, abandoned, and lonely.  He misses the people he loves, and is ill-equipped to get them back.  Sociopaths, in contrast, do not care about other people, and so do not miss them when they are alienated or gone, except as one might regret the absence of a useful appliance that one had somehow lost.  

Thirteen Rules For Dealing With Sociopaths  

1. The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience.  
2. In a contrast between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on - educator, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent - go with your instincts.  
3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the rule of threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibility he or she has.  Make the rule of threes your personal policy.  One lie may be a misunderstanding.  Two may involve a serious mistake.  Three ... cut your losses and get out as soon as you can.  
4. Question authority.  
5. Suspect flattery.  
6. Redefine your concept of respect.  Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.  In a perfect world, human respect would be an automatic reaction only to those who are strong, kind, and morally courageous.  The person who profits from frightening you is not likely to be any of these.  
7. Do not join the game.  Resist the temptation to try to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him.  IN addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to PROTECT YOURSELF.  
8. The best way for you to protect yourself is to AVOID HIM.  
9. Question your tendency to pity too easily.  Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous.  If you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts youor other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.  I highly recommend that you seriously challenge your need to be polite in absolutely all situations.  Sociopaths take huge advantage of this automatic courtesy in exploitive situations.  Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and to the point.  
10. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.  If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses.  At some point, most of us need to learn the important though disappointing life lesson that no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behavior - let alone the character structures - of other people.  Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of getting caught up in the same ambition he has - to control.  Help only those who truly want to be helped.  I think you will find this does not include the person who has no conscience.  The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever.  It is also not your mission.  Your mission is your own life.  
11. Never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character.  
12. Defend your psyche.  Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure.  Most human beings do possess conscience.  Most human beings are able to love.  
13. LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE.

Happiness is when what you think and what you do are in harmony.   -Mahatma Ghandi  

Warning to all sociopaths: If you oppress, rob, murder, and rape enough people, eventually some of them will gang up on you and take their revenge!  

Having never made much of a mark on the world,the majority are on a downward life course, and by late middle age will be burned out completely.  They can rob and torment us temporarily, yes, but they are, in effect, failed lives.  For most of us, happiness comes through the ability to love, to conduct our lives according to our higher values (most of the time), and to feel reasonably contented within ourselves.  Sociopaths cannot love, by definition they do not have higher values, and they almost never feel comfortable in their own skins.  They are loveless, amoral, and chronically bored.  

The absolute self-involvement of sociopathy creates an individual consciousness that is aware of every little ache and twitch in the body, every passing sensation in the head and chest, and ears that orient with acute personalized concern to every radio and television report about everything from bedbugs to ricin.  Because his concerns and awareness are geared exclusively towards himself, the person without conscience sometimes lives in a torment of hypochondriacal reactions that would make even the most fretful anxiety neurotic appear rational.  Getting a paper cut is a major event, and a cold sore is the beginning of the end.  

A person without conscience ... even a smart one ... tends to be a shortsighted and surprisingly naive individual who eventually expires of boredom, financial ruin or a bullet.  

You may yourself be caught up in the snares of sociopaths from time to time, and on account of your scruples, you may never be able to take satisfactory revenge on the people who have hurt you.

But YOU will be able to look at your children asleep in their beds and feel that unbearable surge of awe and thanksgiving.  You will be able to keep others alive in your heart long after they are gone.  You will have genuine friends.  Unlike the hollow, risk-pursuing few who are deprived of a seventh sense, you will go through your life fully aware of the warm and comforting, infuriating, confusing, compelling, and sometimes joyful presence of other human beings, and along with your conscience you will be given the chance to take the largest risk of all, which, aswe all know, is to love.  

Conscience is the place where psychology and spirituality meet.

The Golden Rule is expressed in nearly every religion and belief: 
Do not do to others what you would not have done to you.  -Confucius    
Do unto others as you would have them done to you.  - Jesus    
What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man.  - Jewish proverb
Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you.  - Dharma (Hinduism)
One going to take a pointed stick to pinch a baby bird should first try it on himself to feel how it hurts.  -Yoruba of Nigeria
All things are relatives; what we do to everything, we do to ourselves.  All is really one.   - Lakota Indian Religious Leader, Black Elk

Conscience blesses our lives with just this kind of meaning every day.

I vote for the ones who are loving and committed, for the generous and gentle souls.  I am most impressed by those individuals who feel, quite simply, that hurting others is wrong and kindness is right, and those actions are quietly directed by this moral sense everyday of our lives.  They are an elite of their own.  They are old and young.  They are people who have been gone for hundreds of years and the baby who will be born tomorrow.  They come from every nation, culture, and religion.  They are the most aware and focused members of our species.  And they are, and always have been, our hope.

( the sociopath next door by Martha Stout, Ph.D. )

I don't know that I will ever completely understand how an abuser's mind works, but maybe, that's a good thing? 

I do know that my life is much easier without the direct influence of narcissists or sociopaths.  Now, that I have seen a few, up close and personal, it is my plan to AVOID THEM as soon and as fast as I can!  They are NOT my mission.  I didn't break them.  I can't fix them!

Tags: The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout, Recovery, Healing

The Sociopath Next Door

I heard about this book on the Oprah show.  The topic was Sociopaths.  The name of the book is THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR by Martha Stout, Ph.D.

I went to Barnes and Noble to look for the book and read this on the back cover:

"1 in 25 ordinary American secretly has no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty.   Who is the devil you know?"  

and a review:  

"A chillingly accurate portrayal of evil - the decent person's guide to indecency." - Jonathan Kellerman

You might wonder why I read so much about narcissists and sociopaths ... Well, it helped me rip off those rose colored glasses of mine!  I lived most of my life believing that there is some good in everybody.  I was the kind of person who could read a story about the horrific deeds of a serial killer sentenced to death row and I'd be the one to say, "He's just misunderstood."

I really did not GET that some people do bad things because that's who they are.  It doesn't really matter WHY they do bad things because answering WHY doesn't undo the bad thing!

I share what I learned with you because reading about the abusers, the narcissists and even the sociopaths reduced my denial system to a more manageable level!  I didn't need to believe in the goodness of Aydan and men like Aydan because it was putting my faith in something that may never have existed anyway.

My counselor encouraged me to read books about "them" as a way to separate myself from "them" and realize that the outcome of their behavior is the outcome of THEIR behavior and it has nothing to do with me!  I can't do one thing to make life better for these kind of men.  It is not my responsibility or my duty or even a matter of loyalty.  I didn't break them.  I can't fix them!

As I understand it, most abusers are narcissistic.  Narcissists can be very abusive.  Not all abusers or narcissists are sociopaths though. 

They are all alike in that they feel NO EMPATHY for their victims.  They are all alike in that it makes them feel good when they can make other people feel bad because it gives them a feeling of power and control.

Sociopaths are different from the other two in that they are usually more charming, fool more people, and take more victims.  Only 1 in 25 people we meet are true sociopaths.

Here's what Dr. Stout says:   

Ever wonder what it's like to be a sociopath?

You can frighten a few people ... or - maybe best of all - create situations that cause them to feel bad about themselves.  And this is power, especially when the people you manipulate are superior to you in some way.  Most invigorating of all is to bring down people who are smarter or more accomplished than you, or perhaps classier, more attractive or popular or morally admirable.  This is not only good fun; it is existential vengeance.  And without a conscience, it is amazingly easy to do.

I trust that imagining yourself as one of these people feels insane, dangerously so.  Insane but real - they even have a label.  Many mental health professionals refer to the condition of little or no conscience as "antisocial personality disorder," a non-correctable disfigurement of character that is now thought to be present in about 4 percent of the population - that is to say, one in twenty-five people.

One of the most frequently observed of these traits is a glib and superficial charm that allows the true sociopath to seduce other people,figuratively or literally - a kind of glow or charisma that, initially, can make the sociopath seem more charming or more interesting than most ofthe normal people around him.  He or she is more spontaneous. or more intense, or somehow more "complex", or sexier, or more entertaining than everyone else.  Sometimes this "sociopathic charisma" is accompanied by a grandiose sense of self worth that may be compelling at first, but upon closer inspection may seem odd or perhaps laughable.

Regardless of how educated or highly placed as adults, they may have a history of early behavior problems, sometimes including drug use or recorded juvenile delinquency, and always including a failure to acknowledge responsibility for any problems that occurred.

They have no trace of empathy and no genuine interest in bonding emotionally with a mate.  Once the surface charm is scraped off, their marriages are loveless, one-sided, and almost always short-term.  If a marriage partner has any value to the sociopath, it is because the partner is viewed as a possession, one that the sociopath may feel angry to lose, but never sad or accountable.

Conscience makes all of these decisions for us, so quietly, automatically, and continually that, in our most creative flights of imagination, we would not be able to conjure the image of an existence without conscience.

Conscienceless people are nearly always invisible to us.

Sociopathy stands alone as a "disease" that causes no dis-ease for the person who has it, no subjective discomfort.  Sociopaths are often quite satisfied with themselves and with their lives, and perhaps for this very reason there is no effective "treatment".  Typically, sociopaths enter therapy only when they have been court referred.  Wanting to get better is seldom the true issue.

In small and large ways, genuine conscience changes the world.  Rooted in emotional connectedness, it teaches peace and opposes hatred and saves children.  It keeps marriages together and cleans up rivers and feeds dogs and gives gentle replies.  It makes individual lives better and increases human dignity overall.  It is real and compelling, and it would make us crawl out of our skin if we devastated our neighbor. 

4 percent of all people do not have a conscience.

We feel that if someone is bad, he should be burdened with the knowledge that he is bad.  It seems to us the ultimate in injustice that a person could be evil, by our assessment, and still feel fine about himself.

This is exactly what seems to happen.  For the most part, people whom we assess as evil tend to see nothing at all wrong with their way of being in the world.  Sociopaths are infamous for their refusal to acknowledge responsibility for the decisions they make, or for the outcomes of their decisions they make, or for the outcomes of their decisions.  In fact, a refusal to see the results of one's bad behavior as having anything to do with one-self - consistent irresponsibility."  People without conscience provide endless examples of such stunning "I've done nothing wrong" statements.

When confronted with a destructive outcome that is clearly their doing, they will say, plain and simple, "I never did that," and will to all appearances believe their own direct lie.  This feature of sociopathy makes self-awareness impossible, and in the end, just as the sociopath has no genuine relationships with other people, he has only a very tenuous one with himself.

If anything, people without conscience tend to believe their way of being in the world is superior to ours.  They often speak of the naivete of other people and their ridiculous scruples, or of their curiosity about why so many people are unwilling to manipulate others, even in the service of their most important ambitions.  Or they theorize that all people are the same - unscrupulous, like them - but are dishonestly playacting something mythical called "conscience".  By this latter proposition, the only straightforward and honest people in the world are they themselves.  They are being "real" in a society of phonies.

What sociopaths envy, and many seek to destroy as a part of the game, is usually something in the character structure of a person with conscience, and strong characters are often specially targeted by sociopaths.

If all you had ever felt toward another person were the cold wish to "win," how would you understand the meaning of love, of friendship, of caring?  You would not understand.  You would simply go on dominating, and denying, and feeling superior.  Perhaps you would experience a little emptiness sometimes, a remote sense of dissatisfaction, but that is all.  And with the wholesale denial of your true impact on other people, how would you understand who you were?  Once again, you would not.

Sociopaths do not always have a covetous nature - some are very differently motivated - but when lack of conscience and covetousness occur together in the same individual, a fascinating and frightening picture emerges.  Since it is simply not possible to steal and have for oneself the most valuable possession of another person - beauty, intelligence, success, a strong character -  the covetous sociopath settles for besmirching or damaging enviable qualities in others so that they will not have them, either, or at least not be able to enjoy them so much.  As Millon says, "Here, the pleasure lies in taking rather than having."

The covetous sociopath thinks that life has cheated him somehow, has not given him nearly the same bounty as other people, and so he must even the existential score by robbing people, by secretly causing destruction in other lives.  He believes he has been slighted by nature, circumstances, and destiny, and that diminishing other people is his only means of being powerful.  Retribution, usually against people who have no idea that they have been targeted, is the most important activity in the covetous sociopath's life, his highest priority.  The covetous sociopath is the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing.

What is the difference between a sociopath and a criminal?  The difference, quite simply, is whether or not he gets caught.

How can any of us live, as well as we do, among significant numbers of destructive liars and con artists and fail to confront them, or even notice them?

Why are conscience bound human beings so blind?  And why are they so hesitant to defend themselves, and the ideals and people they are about, from the minority of human beings who possess no conscience at all?  A large part of the answer has to do with emotions and thought processes that occur in uswhen we are confronted with sociopathy.

We are afraid, and our sense of reality suffers.  We think we are imagining things, or exaggerating, or that we ourselves are somehow responsible for the sociopath's behavior.

I liken sociopathic charm to the animal charisma of other mammals who are predators ... the fascinating charm of the predator is often the last thing the prey ever experiences.

Enhancing the animal charisma of sociopaths, there is our own mild affinity for danger.  Conventional wisdom has it that dangerous people are attractive, and when we are drawn to sociopaths, we tend to prove out this cliche.  Sociopaths are dangerous in many ways.  One of the most conspicuous is their preference for risky situations and choices, and their ability to convince others to take risks along with them.  On occasion - but only on occasion - normal people enjoy minor risks and thrills.  We will get out our wallets and pay for a ride on a monster roller coaster we cannot imagine surviving, or for a seat in a movie theater showing a bloody thriller we are certain will give us bad dreams.  Our normal affinity for the occasional thrill can make the risk-taking sociopath seem all the more charming - at first.  Initially, it can be exciting to be invited into the risky scheme, to be associated with the person who is making choices outside of our ordinary boundaries.

When confronted with a sociopath, inspite of our suspicions, we ask ourselves, "Why would a person like that do such a horrible thing?"

Speculate as we may, we cannot imagine why.  Nothing sounds believable, so we think there must be a misunderstanding, or maybe we have greatly exaggerated something in our observations.  We think this way because the conscience-free mind, and what sociopaths want, what motivates them, is completely outside our experience.

In fact, one of the more striking characteristics of good people is that they are almost never completely sure they are right.  Good people question themselves constantly, reflexively, and subject their decisions and actions to the obligation rooted in their attachments to other people.

Most of us comprehend instinctively that there are shades of good and bad, rather than absolute categories.  We know in our hearts there is no such thing as a person who is 100 percent good, and so we assume there must be no such thing as a person who is 100 percent bad.  And perhaps - philosophically - and certainly theologically - this is true.  After all, in the Judeo-Christian tradition, the devil himself is a fallen angel.  Probably there are no absolutely good human beings and no utterly bad ones.  However - psychologically speaking, there definitely are people who possess an intervening sense of constraint based in emotional attachments, and other people who have no such sense.  And to fail to understand this is to place people of conscience in danger.

Albert Einstein once said, "The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."

To do something about shameless people, we must first identify them.  So, in our individual lives, how do we recognize the one person out of twenty five who has no conscience and who is potentially dangerous to our resources and our well-being?

The best clue is the "pity play".  The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness.  It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.

Good people will let pathetic individuals get away with murder, so to speak, and therefore any sociopath wishing to continue with his game, whatever it happens to be, should play repeatedly for none other than PITY.

Our emotional vulnerability when we pity is used against us by those who have no conscience (they use our own heart against us).

When these sentiments are wrested out of us by the undeserving, by people whose behavior is consistently antisocial, there is a sure sign that something is wrong, a potentially useful danger signal that we often overlook.  Perhaps the most easily recognized example is the battered wife whose sociopathic husband beats her routinely and then sits at the kitchen table, head in his hands, moaning thathe cannot control himself and that he is a poor wretch whom she must find it in her heart to forgive.

When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for your pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person's forehead as you will ever be given.  A person whose behavior includes both of these features is not necessarily a mass murderer, or even violent at all, but is still probably not someone you should closely befriend, take on as a business partner, ask to take care of your children, or marry.

When someone doesn't care about you at all like that, having him around really sucks out the peace and joy from your life.

That's enough for today ... Let's look at Dr. Stout's book some more tomorrow ...

                       ( the sociopath next door by Martha Stout, Ph.D. )  

Tags: The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout, Recovery, Healing

Merry Christmas !!!

It's Christmas Day!  

Remember what it was like to run through the cold, dark house on Christmas morning to see what was under the tree?  I don't think we ever left out cookies and milk or carrots like some folks do ...

Every one has different traditions.  

My Mom would cover the trees in candy canes after we had all gone to sleep.  I remember those trees full of lights and covered in candy canes more than all the gifts and all the bows ... I think of it still, every time I see a box of candy canes!  

I never got to see her do it, but I always suspected she did because they were placed with the same care as each strand of tinsel ... Were you a one strand at a time person or a throw four or five at the tree kind of person?  (laughing)  

Did you like colored lights or white lights?  I liked colored lights!  My tree this year is white lights with lots of snowflakes and cardinals, but in my bedroom, I have a snowy garland draped above the curtain rod and it has colored lights. 

Magic! 

Sometimes, I play quiet Christmas Music and sleep under the colored lights in my room ... and remember the old Christmas Movies ... the little brown sacks of peanuts and chocolate drops and always one apple that they used to hand out to us kids at church ... our youth group Christmas Caroling through the streets, stopping at houses along the way ... helping wrap presents in the stores for one group or another ... I grew up in Minnesota so there was LOTS of snow, but Christmas was always warm mittens and scarves and boots, hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows and fireplaces with homemade stockings and the smell of pines and cookies baking ...

Miracles!  

The memories then were enough to carry me through a lifetime of Christmases!  My wish is that I pass along those memories and the love that came with them to my children and their children, and if I am really blessed, to their children's children!  

Merry Christmas, My Dear, Dear Friend!

 

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: 'How could it be so?'
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!
And he puzzled three hours, 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas ... perhaps ... means a little bit more!

Dr. Seuss, 1904-1991

 

Deep down inside we know
that the best gifts
don't come from catalogs
or shopping malls
They don't come in brightly-colored packages
or fancy envelopes
and they're not sitting under a tree somewhere ...
The best gifts come from the heart.
They come when we look at each other
REALLY look at each other
and say 'You mean a lot to me'
or 'I'm so glad you're a part of my life'
A gift like that
will never go out of style
or be forgotten
or be returned for a different size.
A gift like that can change the world.
Wherever you may be this Christmas and whatever your customs might be, I wish you the peace, love and magic of this very special day ...

I'll also leave you with a challenge this week ... to think of one person in your life who may be in need of some appreciation or encouragement. Then, simply do whatever your heart suggests needs to be done ...

Ron Atchison ~ Inspiration Peak

 

“The Christmas Envelope” 
      Author Unknown                                                      

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas -- oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it -- overspending, the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma -- the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing that he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.

Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended. Shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes.

As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.

Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly. "I wish just one of them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them."

Mike loved kids -- all kids -- and he knew them, having coached youth league football, baseball, and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church.

On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year, and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition -- one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.

The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, their toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure.

The story doesn't end there.

You see, we lost Mike last year to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more.

Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown, and someday will expand even further, with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation, watching as their fathers take down the envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us. May we all remember Christ, who is the reason for the season, and the true Christmas spirit, this year and always. 

 

Blessings to you and Hugs All Around!            
        Magic & Miracles & Meaning for us all!                 
                Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

HOPE for us and HEALING too!

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
One friend who always makes her laugh & one who lets her cry

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
How to fall in love Without losing herself 

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
When to try harder and when to walk away

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
That her childhood may not have been Perfect ... but Its over 

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
How to live alone even if she doesn't like it

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW 
Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't
Take it personally

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
Where to go
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods
When her soul needs soothing

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
What she can and can't accomplish in a day ... a month ... and a year ...

I wish I could give you a Christmas gift ... the gift of HOPE!  

Gifts!  Do you remember the old Sears Catalogues?  As a child, we thought Santa printed the catalogues!  We would spend hours over the pictures and descriptions!  Us kids would write loooooooooooooong lists, with page numbers from the Sears Catalogue.  You would have thought that SEARS stood for Santa's Everything and Anything Recording System!  

Sears had everything!  

Sears even used to sell houses!  Really!  They sold real life houses, unassembled, of course, like a GIANT  lego set with all the boards and planks numbered and ready to be added according to the detailed set of instructions that accompanied each house.   Buyers would select the house by choosing finished pictures of the house and floor-plans from the catalogue. 

They were small little cottages by today's standards but many of them still standing, once again proving that some of the old ways were the best ways simply by standing the test of time.  

I woke up thinking about those houses, with all their parts ... If we took a tour of the house in the beginning of construction, the prospective owner would be able to show you the numbered parts and the plans and diagrams of the dream ... If we took a tour of the same house today, the owner would show us a home that had sheltered more than one family ... rooms and amenities ... modifications that he/she might have added ... and maybe, if there was time, they might even drag us to the attic where we could still see the numbers on the bare wood ...  

Telling a story about recovery is like building a house because in recovery, we are very much "under construction" and "a work in progress"!  

In the beginning, there is a numbered progression ... a chronological story ... In the middle of construction, things are not quite so organized.  Some of the pieces are sorted out, but everyone sorts things out differently, even if you and I are building the very same house.  We each follow the plan, of course, but the way we get from point A to point B can be quite different.  

In the same way, if a storm came through and blew offmy roof while the same storm flooded your wood floors ... you and I may be at the same home center, looking to make repairs, but I will be in the roofing section and you will be shopping in the flooring section.  Same purpose ... different focus.  

Things that are important to me in my recovery may not be important to you in your journey ... We are both in the process of rebuilding but none of us works from the same set of plans ...  

We all do have the potential to get there though.  It will be easier for some of us than it is for others.  We will get stopped by different things.  We will have different triggers and different set-backs.  In the end, we each decide how far we go in construction.  

I promised you the gift of hope ...  

The gift came to me in the words of Nicholas Sparks in a book I was reading just for fun.  The character was describing himself and how much he had grown:  

"The events of the past year have taught me much about myself, and a few universal truths.  I learned, for instance, that while wounds can be inflicted easily upon those we love, it's often much more difficult to heal them.  Yet the process of healing those wounds provided the richest experience of my life, leading me to believe that while I've often overestimated what I could accomplish in a day, I had underestimated what I could do in a year.  But most of all, I learned that it is possible ... to fall in love again ... even when there's been a lifetime of disappointment ..."  

We don't all get our pretty little Sears Catalogue Cottage on the first try.  We might have to back up and redo something.  We might have to walk away from the whole thing for a day to regroup and come back fresh, but we all have within us the ability to turn a pile of bits and pieces into a nice, cozy place for ourselves and generations to come.  

We all have been wounded in some way, some more than others.  Being a victim of domestic violence can be like having your heart, mind, body and soul all boiled in oil at the same time, with every cell exploding at once or it can be very slow, over a long period of time, where he steals a little piece of your heart, mind, body and soul every day until one day, you realize that most of you is gone ... Whether it was fast or slow, you are wounded on so many levels, there's no way to rebuild everything all at once ...  

BUT  

"the process of healing those wounds provided the richest experience of my life"  

I haven't got it all figured out by any means.  I haven't totally healed on every level, but the past few years have been the richest in my life.  I would never have believed it in the beginning.  I doubted myself many times.  I felt fear.  I felt anger.  I felt sadness.  Eventually, I felt gladness too. 

I was glad to be safe. 

I was glad to have survived. 

I was glad when I began to recover parts of me I thought I had lost forever! 

Eventually, I was even glad for the very things that forced me into recovery in the first place, because without those things, I'm not sure I would be in recovery yet! 

I am glad that God can heal even the deepest wounds.  

"the process of healing those wounds providedthe richest experience of my life"  

No matter where you are or what you have been through, you have made it this far and there is HOPE that you will make it the rest of the way.  It's up to you!  

I believe in you!  If I could do it, so can you!

 

Tags: Hope, Healing, A Woman Should Have, Recovery, Healing