I use to wonder why Aydan acted the way he did ... The way he looked at the world and reacted to it always seemed strange to me. I would always try to "put myself in his shoes" and think about what would make ME act that way, but that approach never worked because I just don't think like Aydan does. I never have. Although we all have moments of selfishness, most of us are not consumed with SELF-centeredness and SELF-indulgence the way a narcissist is.
Here's more from Dr. Vankin's book:
Can You Really Love Someone Who Can Never Love You Back?
How to recognize a narcissist before it is "too late"?
Many complain of the incredible deceptive powers of the narcissist. They find themselves involved with narcissists (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have a chance to discover their true character. Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture.
When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated with their own helplessness and angry at themselves for having failed to see through the narcissist earlier.
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is rigorously defined in the DSM IV-TR with a set of strict criteria and differential diagnoses. But the narcissist does emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals ("presenting symptoms") even in a first or casual encounter. These are:
"Haughty" body language ~ The narcissist adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness,amused indifference, etc. Though the narcissist usually maintains sustained and piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he is "territorial") ... prefers to remain the "observer", or the "lone wolf".
Entitlement markers ~ The narcissist immediately asks for "special treatment" of some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored arrangements - or to get served first. The narcissist reacts with rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated equally with others whom he deems inferior.
Idealization or devaluation ~ The narcissist instantly idealizes or devalues. The narcissist flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her. Narcissists are polite only when they want something. But they are unable to sustain civility and quickly deteriorate to barbs, thinly veiled hostility, verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
The "membership" posture ~ The narcissist always tries to "belong". Yet, at the same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The narcissist seeks to be admired without investing the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking. In general, the narcissist always prefers showoff to substance. One of the most effective methods of exposing a narcissist is by trying to delve deeper. The narcissist is a shallow pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades. The narcissist never admits to ignorance in any field yet, typically, he is ignorant of all of them.
Bragging and false autobiography ~ The narcissist brags incessantly. His speech is peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always excessively and extraordinarily so. The narcissist's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Very often, the narcissist lies and fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments.
Emotion-free language ~ The narcissist likes to talk about himself and only about himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say, unless he wants something. He acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels that they are intruding on his precious time and, thus, abusing him. In general, the narcissist is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the narcissist intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character in it, suspiciously autobiographical.
Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion ~ The narcissist is dead serious about himself. He may possess a subtle, wry, and riotous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but rarely is he self deprecating. The narcissist regards himself as being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global. The narcissist is easily hurt and insulted. Even the most vague and innocent remarks are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or coercive. His time is more valuable than others'. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the narcissist, an intimidating act of enslavement.
The lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the constricted sense of humor, the unequal treatment and the paranoia render the narcissist a social misfit.
People feel ill at ease in the presence of a narcissist without ever really knowing why.
No matter how charming, intelligent, thought provoking, outgoing, easy going and social the narcissist is, he fails to secure the sympathy of others, a sympathy he is never ready, willing, or able to reciprocate.
But what is it like being a narcissist?
The narcissist believes that the world is hostile, a cruelly arbitrary, ominously contrarian, contrivingly cunning and indifferently crushing place. The narcissist simply "knows" it will all end badly and for no good reason. Life is too good to be true and too bad to endure. The narcissist is incurably pessimistic, an ignoramus by choice and incorrigibly blind to any evidence to the contrary.
The narcissist is often anxious. It is usually unconscious, like a nagging pain. The narcissist worries about specific people, or possible events, or more or less plausible scenarios. He seems to constantly conjure up some reason or another to be worried or offended.
The narcissist fears life and what people do to each other. He fears his fear and what it does to him. He trusts no one, believes in nothing, knows only two certainties: evil exists and life is meaningless. He is convinced that no one cares.This existential angst that permeates his every cell is atavistic and irrational. It has no name or likeness. It is like the monsters in every child's bedroom with the lights turned off. They attribute this poisonous presence to some external cause. The narcissist transforms his demons into compulsive notations in his real or mental diary: check this, do that, apply preventive measures, do not allow, pursue, attack, avoid. Things are so bad, he says, mainly to himself, because I am avictim, because "they" are after me and I am hunted by the juggernaut of state, or by the Freemasons, or by the Jews, or by the neighborhood librarian.
The narcissist is most worried when bored. When the narcissist is bored, he feels threatened in a vague,mysterious way. Anxiety ensues. He identifies reasons, causes, effects and possibilities. He builds scenarios. He spins narratives. As a result, he feels no more anxiety. He has identified the enemy (or so he thinks). And now, instead of being anxious, he is simply worried. Or paranoid.
The narcissist often strikes people as "laid back" or, less charitably: lazy, parasitic, spoiled, and self-indulgent. But, as usual with narcissists, appearances deceive. Narcissists are either compulsively driven overachievers or chronically underachieving wastrels. Most of them fail to make productive use of their potential. Many avoid the standard paths of an academic degree, a career, or family life.
The narcissist's life is out of control. The Narcissist experiences his life as a prolonged, incomprehensible, unpredictable, frequently terrifying and deeply saddening nightmare. The narcissism preys on the vulnerable. The narcissist hurts people around him, or breaks the law, or violates accepted morality. He knows that he is in the wrong and feels ill at ease on the rare moments that he does feel. He wants to stop but knows not how.
Gradually, he is estranged from himself, possessed by some kind of demon, a puppet on invisible, mental strings.
As time passes, the narcissist accumulates a mountain of mishaps, conflicts unresolved, pains well hidden, abrupt separations and bitter disappointments. He is subjected to a constant barrage of social criticism and condemnation. He is ashamed and fearful. He knows that something is wrong. The narcissist is only dimly aware of the battle which rages inside him.
It is no wonder that there is no connection between what the narcissist did feel in a given period in his life and the way he sees or remembers these later on. He may describe certain occurrences or phases in his life as "tedious, painful, sad, burdening" even though he experienced them entirely differently at the time. The same retroactive coloring occurs with regard to people. The narcissist completely distorts the way he regarded certain people and felt about them. He is constantly rewriting of his personal history.
Does the narcissist ever feel sorry for his "victims"?
The narcissist always feels "bad". It is not pleasant to be a narcissist. But he has a diminished capacity to empathize so he rarely feels sorry for what he does. He almost never puts himself in the shoes of his "victims". Actually, he doesn't regard them as victims at all! It is very common for the narcissist to see himself as the REAL victim, the one who was truly victimized, deprived and discriminated against.
Sure, he feels distressed because he is intelligent enough to realize that something is wrong with him in a major way. He compares himself to others and the outcome is never favorable. The narcissist is immersed in self-loathing and self-pity. He is under duress and distress most of his waking life.
In a vague way, he knows that the people around him are not happy and he understands that it has something to do with him. Mostly, he twists their feelings to be about himself: poor things, they can never fully understand him, they are so inferior. It is no wonder that they are so depressed. He puts himself at the center of their world because everything and everyone revolves around him.
Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage is not a reaction to stress - it is a reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement. Rage has two forms, though:
I. Explosive - The narcissist erupts, attacks everyone in his immediate vicinity, causes damage to objects or people, and is verbally and psychologically abusive.
II. Pernicious or Passive - Aggressive (P/A) - the narcissist sulks, gives the silent treatment, and is plotting how to punish the transgressor and put her in her proper place. These narcissists are vindictive and often become stalkers. They harass and haunt the objects of their frustration.
Why do narcissists react with rage to gestures or statements of love?
Nothing is more hated by the narcissist than the sentence"I Love You". It evokes in him almost primordial reactions. It provokes him to uncontrollable rage. Why is that?
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The narcissist hates women virulently and vehemently. He identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted. To him love is a dangerous pursuit.
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Being loved means being known intimately. The narcissist likes to think that he is so unique and deep that he can never be fathomed. The narcissist believes that he is above mere human understanding and empathy, that he is one of a kind. To say to him "I love you", means to negate this feeling, to try to drag him to the lowest common denominator, to threaten his sense of uniqueness.
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The narcissist knows that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a script, hollow and really nonexistent. The person who claims to love him is either lying (what is there to love in a narcissist?) or a self-deceiving, clinging, and immature co-dependent. The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he has chosen a liar or an idiot for a mate. Indirectly, her declaration of love is a devastating critique of the narcissist's own powers of judgment.
The narcissist hates love however and wherever it is manifested. Many people naively believe that they can cure the narcissist by engulfing him with love, acceptance, compassion and empathy. This is not so.
The only time a transformative healing process occurs is when the narcissist experiences a severe life crisis. The narcissist is susceptible to treatment only when his defenses are down. The emotional component in the narcissist's psyche is repressed, dysfunctional, and deformed. It is subconscious - the narcissist is not aware of his own emotions and is out of touch with his feelings.
It is impossible to have any real, meaningful, or lasting emotional relationship with the narcissist until his primitive defense mechanisms crumble and are discarded. The narcissist is unlikely to get rid of his defense mechanisms on his own. Old tricks and old habits die hard.
The Narcissist is only polite or interested in what you have to say if HE WANTS something! Can you really love someone who can NEVER love you back?
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist,
and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths
By: Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
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