What Can WE Do With "Our Narcissist"?

I think everyone has their own ideas about what they need to do with "their narcissist" ... Dr. Vankin outlined a lot of choices:

Forgiving and Forgetting

Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behavior. It is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you.  

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out, but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity as much as through care and love that we grow.

Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even our marriages periodically. In and by itself, a common past is insufficient to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and compassionate relationship. Common memories are a necessary but not a sufficient condition. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

Remaining Friends with the Narcissist

Can't we act civilized and remain on friendly terms with our narcissist ex?

Never forget that narcissists (full fledged ones) are nice and friendly only when:

1. They want something from you – help, support, votes, money… They prepare the ground, manipulate you and then come out with the "small favor" they need.

2. They feel threatened so they smother it with pleasantries.

3. They feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle.

I have only one nagging doubt, though:

If the relationship with a narcissist is so rewarding, why are willing mates so unhappy and so in need of help? Aren't they victims who deny their own torment?

Narcissists and Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as are co-dependents and Borderlines.

But their solution is different.

Co-dependents cling.

Borderlines are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned. 

Narcissists facilitate their own abandonment. They make sure that they are abandoned.

This way they achieve two goals:

1. Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay gratification or impending doom. They must have it all now, good or bad.

2. By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. "She didn't abandon me, it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not abandoned, was I now?" In time, the narcissist adopts this "official version" as the truth. He might say: "I abandoned her emotionally and sexually long before she left."

Why the Failing Relationships?

Narcissists hate happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness ... in short, they hate life itself.

First, there is pathological envy.

The narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good moods, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location.

Almost anything can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing, which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own nagging sense of deprivation.

Then there is narcissistic hurt.

The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the epicenter ofthe lives of his closest, nearest and dearest. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive andnegative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable.

It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy for reasons that have nothingto do with the narcissist. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts in other people's lives. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or initiative. That he is not privileged or unique.

The narcissist channels his negative emotions through other people, his proxies.  He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery.  Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

"You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist" is a common sentence.

The narcissist in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purpose strives to perpetuate it by constantly reminding of its existence. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong?  Can I help you?  Things haven't been going so well lately?"

Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control.

The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. The narcissist suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion not directly or indirectly fostered by him or by his actions.

Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

Living with a Narcissist

You cannot change people, not in the real, profound, deep sense. You can only adapt to them and adapt them to you. If you do find your narcissist rewarding at times you should consider doing these:

1. Determine your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can you adapt to him (i.e., accept him AS HE IS) and to which extent and in which ways would you like him to adapt to you (i.e., accept you as you are). Act accordingly. Accept what you have decided to accept and reject the rest. Change in you what you are willing and able to change and ignore the rest.  
2. Try to maximize the number of times that his walls are down, that you find him totally fascinating and everything you desire. What makes him be and behave this way? Is there anything you can do to make him behave this way more often?

Remember, though:

Sometimes we mistake guilt and self-assumed blame for love.

Sacrificing yourself for someone else is not love.

You control your narcissist by giving, as much as he controls you through his pathology.

Your unconditional generosity sometimes prevents him from facing his True Self and thus healing.

It is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to the narcissist.

It is, of course, possible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to you.

The Need to be Hopeful

I understand the need to be hopeful.

We often confuse shame with guilt. Narcissists feel shameful when confronted with a failure. Their omnipotence is threatened, their sense of perfection and uniqueness is questioned. They are enraged.

The narcissist punishes himself for failing to be God, not for mistreating others.

The narcissist makes an effort to communicate his pain and shame in order to elicit the attention he needs to restore and regulate his failing sense of self-worth. In doing so, the narcissist resorts to the human vocabulary of empathy. It is a manipulative ploy.

Yes, the narcissist is a child ... a very young one.

Yes, he can tell right from wrong but is indifferent to both.

Yes, some narcissists make it. And their mates or spouses or children or colleagues or lovers rejoice.

But is the fact that people survive tornadoes a reason to go out and seek one?

The narcissist is very much attracted to vulnerability, to unstable or disordered personalities or to his inferiors. The inferior offeradulation. The mentally disturbed, the traumatized, the abused become dependent and addicted to him. The vulnerable can be easily manipulated without fear of repercussions.

I think that "a healed narcissist" is a contradiction in terms.  The narcissist is not particularly interested in healing. In the narcissist's world being accepted or cared for is a foreign language. It is meaningless. Narcissists damage and hurt but they do so offhandedly and naturally, as an afterthought and reflexively.

They are aware of what they are doing to others but they do not care.

Sometimes, they sadistically taunt and torment people but they do not perceive this to be evil ... merely amusing.  They feel that they are entitled to their pleasure and gratification.  They feel that others are less than human, mere extensions of the narcissist, or instruments to fulfill the narcissist's wishes and obey his often capricious commands.  He feels that his needs justify his actions.

Just in case you are thinking you can talk to the Narcissist about his problem ...

What is the reaction of a narcissist likely to be when confronted with this text (the truth about himself)?

It takes a major life crisis to force the narcissist to face up to himself.

Under normal circumstances, the narcissist denies that he is one and reacts with rage to any hint at being so diagnosed. The narcissist employs a host of intricate and interwoven defense mechanisms:  intellectualization, projection, projective identification, splitting, repression and denial ... to sweep his narcissism under the psychological rug.

When at risk of getting in touch with the reality of his mental disorder, the narcissist displays the whole spectrum of reactions usually associated with bereavement. At first he denies the facts, ignores them and distorts them to fit an alternative, coherent, "healthy", interpretation.

Then, he becomes enraged. Wrathful, he attacks the people and social institutions that are the constant reminders of his true state. Then he sinks intodepression and sadness. Yet, if the evidence is hard and still coming, the narcissist accepts himself as such and tries to make the best of it.

The narcissist is a survivor and very inventive and flexible in reinventing himself to get more attention.

The narcissist feels disenchanted with the person or persons who presented him with proof of his narcissism. He swiftly and cruelly parts ways with them, often without as much as an explanation.

He then proceeds to develop paranoid theories to explain why people, events, institutions and circumstances tend to confront him with his narcissism and he, bitterly and cynically, opposes or avoids them.

I think there are moments when narcissists see themselves as they truly are, but I don't think they will ever willingly let anyone know they know.  I think Aydan is closest to seeing himself as he really is every time a woman runs screaming from his life, but he quickly diminishes his discomfort by blaming the "lying, cheating, mentally ill, emotionally unstable, neurotic, pathological, stupid, ugly bitch" ... but if WE really were all those things, why was "his perfectness" with us in the first place?  Makes no sense, right?  Right!  Narcissists never do make sense, Dear, they never do ...

Narcissists rarely change.  They are what they are.  If you are still hoping that he will change, you are dreaming.  It's like being in love with an elephant and wishing it was a giraffe!  You can wish and wish and wish and wish and at the end of the day, no amount of love and kindness will change an elephant into a giraffe!  

taken from:

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths

By: Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

Tags: Malignant Self Love, Sam Vankin, Narcisissm, Abuse, Recovery, Healing