Ready for another look at that book we were talking about yesterday?
I CAN'T GET OVER IT - A Handbook For Trauma Survivors
by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.
Where did we leave off? That's right, we were talking about feelings ...
Your journey back to health and well-being is a journey of increasing awareness of your feelings. Indeed, the process of healing is dependent on understanding your feelings and learning to manage them in ways that do not isolate you from others or otherwise harm you. Learning about your feelings is a lifelong journey.
Dr. Matsakis divides most of our feelings into four categories: sad, anger, joy and fear ... It was interesting to read the lists. Let me give you an example. I would have always thought of distrustful as fear, but Dr. Matakis identifies distrust as anger! The wake-up call for me is that sometimes, I interpreted Aydan's distrust as a result of his hurt ... but as you see, distrust is a function of anger.
In fact, look at that anger list ... It may as well say WORDS ASSOCIATED WITH AYDAN ... another wake-up call! It probably describes your "bad guy" too.
Let's put the "bad guys" aside for a minute ... Read the lists and think about when you felt those feelings ... Did you really know that it was sadness, anger, joy or fear? I didn't ... I still don't always know why I'm feeling something. I stop sometimes to think about what is REALLY going on inside me ...
Sad, Mad Glad, or Scared? A feelings List:
WORDS ASSOCIATED WITH SADNESS:
Defeated, Dejected, Depressed, Despairing, Desperate, Devastated, Disappointed, Discouraged, Embarrassed, Guilty, Helpless, Hopeless, Hurt, Ignored, Inadequate, Incompetent, Inferior, Inhibited, Insecure, Isolated, Lonely, Melancholy, Miserable, Misunderstood, Muddled, Needy, Pessimistic, Preoccupied, Pressured, Regretful, Rejected, Remorseful, Self-conscious, Shy, Sorry, Stupid, Tired, Trapped, Troubled, Unappreciated, Unattractive, Uncertain, Uncomfortable, Unfulfilled, Useless, Victimized, Violated, Vulnerable, Weary, Worn Out, Worried.
WORDS ASSOCIATED WITH ANGER:
Annoyed, Bitter, Contemptuous, Distrustful, Enraged, Exasperated, Furious, Hateful, Hostile, Humiliated, Hurt, Impatient, Irritated, Outraged, Overwhelmed, Provoked, Resentful, Stubborn, Touchy, Unappreciated, Uneasy.
WORDS ASSOCIATED WITH JOY:
Affectionate, Alive, Amused, Beautiful, Brave, Calm, Capable, Caring, Cheerful, Cherished, Comfortable, Competent, Concerned, Confident, Content, Courageous, Curious, Delighted, Desirable, Eager, Excited, Forgiving, Friendly, Fulfilled, Generous, Giving, Good, Grateful, Happy, Hopeful, Humorous, Joyful, Lovable, Loved, Loving, Loyal, Passionate, Peaceful, Playful, Pleased, Proud, Quiet, Relaxed, Relieved, Respected, Safe, Supportive, Sympathetic, Tender, Thankful, Thrilled, Trusted, Understanding, Understood, Unique, Valuable, Warm, Witty, Wonderful, Worthwhile, Youthful.
WORDS ASSOCIATED WITH FEAR:
Afraid, Apprehensive, Ashamed, Desperate, Devastated, Fearful, Frantic, Indecisive, Helpless, Hopeless, Horrified, Insecure, Panicked, Pressured, Scared, Self-destructive, Self-hating, Terrified, Threatened, Timid, Trapped, Uncertain, Uncomfortable, Victimized, Violated, Vulnerable.
Your Beliefs about why the trauma occurred and the way you judge your behavior during and after the traumatic episode are going to heavily influence the degree to which you continue to suffer.
The Three Levels of Victimization
LEVEL ONE: THE SHATTERING OF ASSUMPTIONS
It rocks your basic beliefs about yourself, human nature, and the nature of the world. As Psychologists Janoff Bulman and Frieze (1983) point out, victims are usually forced to reconsider at least these three assumptions of themselves and the world: that they are personally invulnerable, that the world is orderly and meaningful, and that they are good and strong people. IN addition to the uncertainty, vulnerability, and loss of self-esteem we have already discussed, the first level of victimization also often includes the following reactions: feeling like a child, a desire to withdraw or isolate from others and feelings of anger or rage. Difficult as it may be, when the isolation, the pain, or the effort of covering up becomes too great, you need to turn to others for help - emotional, legal, or practical. When the time comes (if it hasn't already) or comes again, it may help to remember the following points.
1. NEEDING HELP IS NORMAL.
If you felt powerful and dynamic immediately after it was demonstrated that there are forces capable of destroying you, most knowledgeable mental health professionals would consider you delusional, mentally troubled, or at least in a state of massive denial. Consequently, helplessness, neediness, and all the other feelings described above are appropriate feelings following traumatization.
2. THINGS CHANGE.
The feelings of helplessness, dependency, and neediness you may experience at times, or even all the time, are temporary. If you arein fact, "weak", you willonly be weak for a while, as a result of your trauma. It only exists because you have been wounded. Even if you fear you will never be strong again, you will. You just need to heal first.
LEVEL TWO: SECONDARY WOUNDING
As important to the healing process as other people are, it's an unfortunate truth that often people do more harm than good. Strangers who don't understand your situation can be unintentionally cruel, but so can those who should know better. Instead of being supported, you may have been made to feel ashamed of having been a part of a traumatic event in the first place, of your reactions to the event or symptoms you have developed as a result, or even of asking for help.
Forms of Secondary Wounding
- Disbelief, Denial, discounting - people will minimize or discount the magnitude of the event, its meaning to the victim, its impact on the victim's life.
- Blaming The Victim - People may blame the victim for the traumatic event, thereby increasing the victim's sense of self-blame and low self-esteem.
- Stigmatization - happens when people judge the victim negatively.
A. Ridicule of, or condescension toward, the survivor.
B. Misrepresentation of the survivor's psychological distress as a sign of deep psychological problems or moral or mental deficiency.
C. An implication or outright statement that the survivor's symptoms reflect his or her desire for financial gain, attention, or unwarranted sympathy.
D. Depriving the victim justice. - Denial Of Assistance.
Some victims reported that their secondary wounding experiences were more painful and devastating than the original traumatic event. Police officers, lawyers, and court officials were cited in the report. However, medical personnel, mental health professionals, and a myriad of others were also responsible for secondary wounding. Secondary wounding occurs because people who have never been hurt sometimes have difficulty understanding and being patient with people who have been hurt. Some people are simply not strong enough to accept the negatives in life. They prefer to ignore the fact that sadness, injustice, and loss are just as much a part of life as joy and goodness. When such individuals confront a trauma survivor, they may reject or disparage the survivor because that individual represents the parts of life they have chosen to deny. It also happens that trauma survivors are rejected or disparaged by other survivors - those who have chosen to deny or repress their own trauma and have not yet dealt with their own losses and anger. When trauma survivors who are not dealing with their traumatic pasts see someone who is obviously suffering emotionally or physically, they may need to block out that person in order to leave their own denial system intact.
You need to learn that generally, the rejection, humiliation, or attack says more about the ignorance, insensitivity, fears, or prejudices of the other person than anything about you. If people have not experienced trauma themselves, or have not learned about it in other ways, they often do not know what to say or do. Often the fact that you have been victimized threatens other people's defenses against the idea that they too can be victimized.
Keep in mind that, in addition to the emotional vulnerability resulting from trauma, biological changes can occur that make you exceptionally sensitive to and observant of others' responses. Thus very subtle cues in the behavior of others will affect you much more than they would a non-traumatized person.
Most secondary wounding experiences feel cruel. Sometimes, the fact of your traumaand the PTSD may well be used as a weapon by people you know. In the absence of the trauma they would have found something else to use against you.
LEVEL THREE: VICTIM THINKING
This third level is one of the unfortunate, but natural, outcomes of the first two levels. The third level of victimization involves the person adopting a lifelong label as a victim. In the first two levels of victimization, you have little or no control or personal power. But you can learn to take control of this third level.
You do not need to spend your life thinking and feeling like a victim.
Why Am I Acting This Way?
All people, whether or not they are trauma survivors, have certain triggers to which they react emotionally. However, you as a trauma survivor, have an additional response that makes understanding and managing your reactions both more difficult and more complicated. The emotions that tend to be released are not happy ones, but the traumatic emotions of grief, rage, anxiety, and terror.
You no longer feel safe.
Being a trauma survivor means you have survived a life-or-death, "emergency" state. This emergency state may have lasted a few minutes, a few months, or many years, during which time your adrenal glands responded with secretions that caused fight or flight or freeze reactions.
Therefore, when the adrenals are set off by a situation in the present (a trigger) that reminds you of the trauma or by the anniversary date of a traumatic episode or loss, you may feel as threatened, angry, confused, or bereaved as you did during or after the original trauma. This activation can result in increased nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, rage reactions, and other PTSD symptoms. You might not even consciously remember the anniversary date of atrauma. Or you might not consciously associate a certain person, object or place with the traumatic event. Your wonderfully complex brain, however, does remember and makes the association. Suddenly, you are living in the emotional climate of the traumatic event. You may even feel as if you are about to die.
When triggers are unexpected, you may feel as if you have been ambushed or unexpectedly "attacked". In this sense, triggers can themselves be traumatizing. You cannot understand why you have so rapidly become angry, numb, disoriented, paranoid, scared, or defensive.
TYPES OF TRIGGERS
1. Anniversary Reactions
2. Current Stresses
3. Media Presentations, Conversations, And Other Reminders
COPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE
"You should be over it by now!"
But you aren't over it and there is no reason why you should be. The color is not only permanently imprinted on your mind,but imprinted with it are the terror, disbelief, anger, and other feelings bound up with being traumatized. The color green has come to symbolize an event that perhaps changed your entire view of life. You can erase neither the memory of the event nor the association - no matter how hard you try. And despite what others may think, your response to green cars is perfectly rational, logical, and understandable. There is nothing wrong or warped about responding to triggers. Indeed, given the way the human brain works, such responses are inevitable.
As a trauma survivor, feeling safe is a major priority in your life. When you don't feel safe, you are unable to do or give your best in any situation. Trigger situations are threatening because, consciously or unconsciously, they bring up memories of times when you were powerless and therefore vulnerable to attack. They also threaten by bringing up painful and problematic feelings such as anger, fear and grief. These feelings are frightening, because they have the power to plummet you into a state of numbing or hyper-alertness, or to cause you to otherwise lose control.
You may have made considerable progress in managing your anger and grief. You may have years of recovery. Yet you may still fear that the next time you are triggered you might not make it. What if you forget to do what your therapist told you to do? What if you are too tired or discouraged to follow the suggestions of your 12-step program?
No matter how much you have grown emotionally, you may fear slipping back into old behaviors. After all, you have practiced the old ways so much for so many years that they have become almost automatic. And, although these new ways of coping are better for you, they require effort, thought, and concentration. They take work. And if you are stressed or otherwise not feeling well, the normal temptation is to resort to the old dysfunctional behaviors, because at the time they seem easier.
You need and deserve to feel safe.
It would be wonderful if the world wereorganized so that you never had to confront any of your past suffering. Unfortunately, you are generally going to be expected to cope with life's challenges and stress just like anyone else.
But we can do it! Nothing's impossible! We're survivors.
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