Forgiveness?
It's hard to forgive people who are unforgivable, and even harder to forgive people who have wronged you and don't think they have done anything wrong ... but the principle is the same, no matter who you are trying to forgive.
Forgiveness frees YOU.
Sheila Heen, author of Difficult Conversations, said it very well when she said, "Although forgiveness might have been something you have done for others, it's something you really do for yourself. You have two choices: You can forgive, which will positively effect your own happiness, well-being and future relationships. Or ... you can let the hurt and anger inflicted on you continue to dominate your life. It's YOUR choice. Really."
"Forgiveness is a complicated, difficult, and messy process." Again, Ms. Heen is right.
Forgiveness can be the greatest challenge you face, because, while you're healing, it may be something you have to do over and over ... When you think of something that he said or did, go ahead and think about it for a minute, realize that it said more about him and his outlook on life than it ever said about you and the unique individual that you are, and then, let it go. It happened to you but IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A PART OF WHO YOU ARE NOW.
I think about it this way. I can forgive and keep my conscience clear or I can let his RAGE do me permanent harm by letting it become a part of my life and who I am. He won a small victory when he abused me. He sure showed me! BUT that insignificant victory is pretty hollow if it didn't do me permanent damage, and I won't let him beat me twice!
No matter what he did to me ... no matter what your abuser did to you ... it doesn't "touch" our spirits, unless we let it. I'm NOT going to give my power away! My spirit is strong. I am a valuable person. I have something to offer this world. I can't be who I want to be and do the things I dream of doing if I let him, his bad attitude and his inappropriate behavior stop me. I will not let his rage take over my life too! He is exactly what I will become if I let rage rule my life. I have seen rage! I have seen rage up close and personal. I have felt his wrath. I don't want to end up like that! I am too good to get pulled into HIS poison.
I don't know where you are in your recovery. Some days, I'm mad. Some days, I'm sad. Some days, I'm thoughtful and contemplating the lessons I can learn about myself and other people. Some days, I am astounded and surprised at how evil a person can be. Some days, I am grateful and quite thankful that MOST people are good and kind. Some days, I can actually laugh at the absurdity of it all. Some days, I let myself think about the revenge I could inflict on my abuser ... BUT the best revenge is forgiving him!
Revenge???
Who hasn't thought about it? I even dream about it sometimes!
I watched Forest Gump the other night before I went to sleep ... There is a scene in the movie where Forest Gump has the house that his wife grew up in bulldozed after her death because she had been hurt there and he wanted to do away with the memory.
I didn't think much of it, but apparently, my subconscious did! I dreamed that my friend and I went over to Aydan's house and bulldozed the house and all it's contents and hauled it away to the dump! The sun was shining and there we sat in Aydan's front yard, giggling like little girls that had just played a trick on someone ... I woke up laughing. OF COURSE, I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING IN REAL LIFE! Maybe, it was my subconscious way of getting rid of the place where I was hurt?
Revenge in real life is a waste of spirit. I read Melody Beattie's thoughts on Revenge:
REVENGE.
No matter how long we'vebeen recovering,no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.
We want revenge. We want to see the other person hurt the way he hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out. Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice.
We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings - the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.
We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.
Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact. Acceptance helps.
So does forgiveness - not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.
Today, I will be angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness- forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.
Robin Norwood (author of WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH) shared an idea that worked the BEST for me:
Every time he came into my thoughts, I would pray as sincerely as I could for His Highest good.
Period.
Robin Norwood said, "Even if it's taken you years to get over relationships before, you'll be amazed at how quickly you'll HEAL when you take this approach." She was right.
NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW LONG HEALING WILL TAKE.
Some people get over things more quickly than others. I want the lesson from this experience to last the rest of my life! Of course we will feel sadness, anger, disappointment, revenge, pain, rejection, self doubt and all the other feelings we'd like to skip over, but go ahead and feel those things ... Feel the full impact. Trust the inner workings of our spirits and our hearts. I didn't understand it the first time I heard it, but the deeper we feel any emotion, the deeper we feel all emotions.
It's as if feeling all those negative things CLEARS THE AIR AND OPENS OUR HEARTS, MAKING ROOM FOR THE "GOOD EMOTIONS" ... the ones we have longed our whole lives for! I am surprised at how good it feels to LAUGH! I feel a PEACE that runs much deeper than surface now. I am more THANKFUL and more GRATEFUL for my family and friends. I LOVE from a different place than I used to. I HELP from a different place than I used to. It is as though all those really negative, awful things burned away parts of me that were holding me back.
I fought back legally. I held him accountable. I didn't let him intimidate me. I stood tall. I faced my fears. I learned. I grew. I OUTGREW HIM. I climbed out of the hole he dug for me and I am never going back!
I'm FREE! I can soak up the sun, smell the flowers, and listen to the birds sing. They are singing for me. I won! I won my soul back ... one day at a time, I earned the right to soak up my own sunshine, smell my own flowers, and can you hear the birds? They're singing for me! They're singing for you too! This is my life. This is your life. It's the only one we have.
WHY WASTE ANYMORE OF OUR LIVES ON ANGER, BITTERNESS OR UNFORGIVENESS?
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