I have written a private journal for almost five years. I wrote about things that happened and how I felt about it. I saved emails and notes. I copied articles or wrote notes about books I had read ... insignificant details, one day at a time, but all together, it is quite a body of work!
Just a few days ago, I was looking up something ... I had made some notes about my favorite animals listed in the book, ANIMAL SPEAKS, by Ted Andrews. I was looking up the Waxwings when I flipped past a conversation I had almost forgotten.
It was a phone conversation I had with Aydan almost 8 months after the whole shotgun thing. It wasn't a long conversation but I took five pages of notes, so it might have been longer than I remember? It was right before New Years of 2003 and I remember thinking that I didn't want to end the year that way ... with a thing left so undone ... unfinished.
Aydan isn't the kind of guy that grants closure. In fact, there are lots of guys like Aydan that go from adoration to hatred at the drop of a dime. Leaving things tattered and un-ended is just a negative way of keeping their victims around. On some level, Aydan knows he hurt me. It's just easier for him to cast his victims aside quickly so he doesn't have to see the hurt in our eyes ... easier for him anyway!
Well, I called Aydan. I knew I shouldn't but I did anyway. I wanted some answers, even if I didn't like the answers I got ... I was ready for anything. It took me days to get up my nerve. I must have picked up the phone a dozen times, but my hand shook so much, I couldn't even punch in his number. After 8 months of replaying the one night with the gun ... over and over ... the idea of trying to talk to him made me swimmy-headed and sick at my stomach. Somehow, I gathered up enough courage to call him.
When I called, he was angry. Nothing new. He called me names. Nothing new. He ranted and raved. Nothing new. He ordered me to have the charges dropped. Nothing new. I didn't respond to the anger, the name calling, the ranting, the raving or the demands.
I came looking for answers. I was determined. I knew he'd be mean. I counted on him going quiet and when he did, I said:
I know you quit talking to people when you are done with them, but I really would like to talk to you.
Please?
I know we aren't supposed to be talking, but I need answers only you can give.
Please?
I want to know WHY things went so far?
Did you mean to scare me so badly?
Do you know I still have nightmares?
For all I know you are still out there, waiting for a chance to kill me!
Why did you always say two different things?
If you didn't love me, why couldn't you just say so?
If you didn't care about me anyway, why did you have to hurt me like that?
Do you really hate me that much?
I wanted answers but I asked the questions so fast, there was no way anyone could have answered even one! It was like a dam had broken. Each question was packed with emotion ... so many feelings were packed into every little word ... it exhausted me. The sound of my own voice cracking with so much emotion reminded me of why I had called in the first place and I said in a much calmer tone,
"I don't want to be afraid of you anymore."
There was a pause. I thought he had hung up. I listened to see if there was anyone on the line and from the silence, Aydan said in the smallest voice,
"I never meant to threaten your life and I certainly would not have killed you."
We definitely remember the details of that evening very differently. Aydan judges himself by what he thought. I judge Aydan by what I saw and how I felt. Aydan said once that he didn't do anything wrong because I got to live, like it was a gift he had generously granted me. Aydan's actions that night were such a shock to my entire system that whole parts of me had to be rebuilt and reprogrammed. Aydan, and men like Aydan will never understand the work that it takes for most of us to get over the harm they do. In that phone call ...
I said I believed the only reason that I was alive was that I had prayed.
Aydan said, "God doesn't hear YOUR prayers!"
I laughed and said, "Well, He heard that one!"
Aydan said it made him sick for me to talk about Jesus. Jesus didn't love me. I laughed and said, "Jesus loves all of us and we're both lucky that God is more forgiving that you are!"
I made a note then that still seems to be true: "It still astounds me how Aydan thinks he has the god-given right to be a total jerk and the rest of us are minions and pawns, put here on this earth to serve the almighty Aydan. Nothing new."
I repeated that I was calling that night because I knew Aydan didn't care about me anymore, but I couldn't stand the thought that anyone, especially him, would hate me that much, chasing me out of his house and his life with a loaded gun the same way that someone might shoot at a stray dog. I am a REAL person! I told Aydan that I had been so overcome with it that I sometimes felt like he had killed parts of me that I will never get back.
A friend wrote me a little note near this time and she said, "Taylor, You are SO BRAVE! I watch you read and study and work to get your life back and I know how hard you are trying, but I also know you have moments when you don't think you will make it. You keep yourself busy and put on a happy face for most of the world, but for those of us who know you and love you, we see you get the saddest look in your eyes when you don't think anyone is watching. Of course you feel sadness, Sweetie, but don't ever give up. You are an amazing woman and you have come such a long way in such a short time. It will get better. We believe in you."
Most of what I talk about now is coming from a much calmer, healthier place, but back then, I was really hurting. I remember being just plain tired of hurting when I made that call. I was going to face "my monster" no matter what. Aydan might not care, but he was going to know what I felt, whether he liked it or not! Aydan might not have ever cared about me as a person, but no one can do the harm he does and not know on some level that he is hurting other people. Aydan knew, and your abuser knows too, even if they never admit it.
I didn't call to accuse him or confront him directly. I called to talk about what I was feeling and to ask him, point blank, "Do you want me dead?"
That conversation could have gone either way! Aydan had just said that Jesus didn't love people LIKE me ... I left myself wide open to verbal and emotional abuse on a grand scale. For whatever reason, in that tiny moment, Aydan acknowledged my value as a humanbeing,
"Nobody wants you dead. That would be a waste."
He softened some and said he was sorry IF he had hurt me BUTI had hurt him too. He recited the usual list of complaints and "Sins Against the Kingdom of Aydan". I didn't interrupt. I let him say all the things I had done and all the things I should have done. He started to list all the mean aggressive things he wished I had done on behalf of the "Kingdom of Aydan" ... bizarre, cruel things that would have proven to him that he mattered more than everyone else. I said, "I'm not a bad a** Aydan. You wouldn't have stayed with me as long as you did if Ihad been a bad a**." There was a pause. Maybe, he thought about it?
He repeated the closest thing to an apology that I have ever gotten:
"I am sorry IF I hurt you."
Pitiful acknowledgement of the hurt he caused ... IF! Well, duh! I used to imagine what Aydan would do if someone had done the same thing to him, and somehow, I don't think it would have phased him. Even a weak, conditional apology was more than I expected. I had forgotten this whole conversation because since then, Aydan has said so many mean, hateful things that these quiet, tiny sentences were almost buried ... until a few days ago, when flipping through that part of my journal, the sentence:
"Nobody wants you dead. That would be a waste."
... very nearly jumped off the page. I stopped and looked at the sentence. I read my notes on that conversation. Through counseling, I have let go of all the mean things Aydan has said since because I know now that those words say more about Aydan than they ever said about me. In recovery, I learned to accept Aydan's ever-evolving, hardly credible version of "the truth" as a part of his DENIAL system and I let go of the need to PROVE him wrong. As I have already said, I do believe that most us know, on some level, when we have done something wrong. Aydan might not care, but in that one tiny moment, through a crack in Aydan's veneer, came the words,
"Nobody wants you dead. That would be a waste."
I have received affirmations of my value many times since then. Most of them have been much more loving and much more direct! They have come from friends and family. They have come from counselors and teachers. They have come from strangers. They have come from other survivors. They have come from my Heavenly Father. They have come from me!
I had to listen to a lot of nonsense that day before I got to that one miracle sentence. In fact, when I read my notes, I am quite amazed that I didn't hang up a half dozen times before I ever got to that one sentence! I guess I had been hurting so long that KNOWING couldn't be worse than all the NOT KNOWING.
From here, looking back, it was reckless and dangerous of me! I didn't really know if Aydan had been drinking. I didn't know if Aydan was alone or if he had an audience to show off in front of. I didn't know what Aydan's state of mind would be. He could have just as easily flown into a RAGE!
Legally, that one phone call could have jeopardized the State's case against Aydan.
I knew that when I called, but I called anyway. I even copied the Solicitor on my notes. I told them my personal healing was more important to me than their legal battle. That might have been how I felt at the time, but that's not really how things work. The Solicitor's Office called me in and we practiced what a defense attorney would do with that one little phone call in criminal court where his/her job is to get the charges against their client dropped. It was brutal! It was designed to "bring me back into the fold". I got the point.
I have heard and I agree that it is very difficult for abusers to change and the ones that have changed because they saw that their abusive wayscould land them in jail! No abuser wants to go to jail! Even the thought of going to jail causes an abuser to feel trapped and confined. You know what they say about cornering a wild animal? Well, Aydan (and your abuser) is that wild animal!
Because I believe that, I don't encourage other women to have any contact at all with their abuser. I do understand how it could have, quite literally, blown up in my face. I have always known that Aydan is unpredictable. One wrong word. One wrong tone of voice. Anything, and I never knew what, could have set him off!
I won't throw away that one sentence, because I worked hard for it, but two and a half years later, I also know that Aydan logged that phone call in a little book. He logged hang-up calls, computerized telemarketers and wrong numbers in the same book and calls all of the calls "me" in his "unofficial book of evidence".
(rolling my eyes)
Aydan tried very hard to build a case against me back then, hoping to charge me with harassment. I have been told, although I have not seen the reports, that Aydan went to the Sheriff's Office more than once to "file a report".
Law enforcement reports that it is a common practice for abusers to try to have their victims charged with a crime. Vindictive? You bet, but abusers do it all the time.
We shouldn't be surprised. We have known him long enough to know he is VINDICTIVE. Every state is different ... Shoot, every county is different. I was never charged, but Aydan tried and your abuser might try to do the same thing.
I also know that Aydan uses his "unofficial book of evidence" to "prove" to himself and others that I "wanted" him back.
(rolling my eyes again)
I never wanted him back. I just wanted an apology!
Would I have called if I had known he was hoping to have me charged? Probably not. Would I have called if I had known he would twist that phone call into "me wanting him"? Probably not.
Some abusers are slicker and more sophisticated than Aydan. They would have used any contact as an opportunity to convince their victim that they are sorry and it will never happen again ... that they need you ... that nobody has ever meant so much to them ... to win you back ... They'll say ANYTHING to get those charges dropped, and just as soon as those charges are dropped, everything will return to business as usual ... or worse, if he thinks he has to make you pay for putting him through that!
Knowing all those things, I would tell you today NOT to call. It could get you killed. There are far too many Nicole Simpsons and Lacy Petersons out there. I use them as examples because we have all heard of them, but how many women (or men) have been killed in your own community? There are far too many women who have been murdered by their boyfriends, husbands, ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands, and those stories are featured on the local news in cities and towns all across America.
You and I are lucky not to be one of those!
Nobody wants you dead. That would be a waste.
It wouldn't be fair for me to tell you not to call or have contact with your abuser without telling you what I did. I would never want to you to get the idea that I sailed through everything, doing everything exactly right. I didn't know about Aydan's "little book" when I made that call. It worked out okay for me, but that is no guarantee that it will work out for someone else. I know some of you will do the same thing I did.
I know that a victim of criminal domestic violence is NOT thinking logically.
I know that a victim is just as likely to return to the only "love" they know, even if it's their abuser. I know that you might go back more than once or even more than ten times before you have had enough. It's NOT okay but I understand. My escape wasn't a clean one either! I know and understand what it is like to be in so much pain, we are willing to take the risks, but please hear me say,
Nobody wants you dead. That would be a waste.
ADDITIONAL WARNINGS & CAUTIONS:
If you are already away from your abuser and you feel like you "need" to talk to him, there are a few safeguards you might want to take.
Call from someone else's house, preferably someone he does not know. Dialing *67 masks most phone numbers from caller id, but it does not work everywhere, so dial *67 and a friend's phone or *67 and a cell phone and see if the number is masked. If it comes up PRIVATE CALLER or UNKNOWN NUMBER or BLOCKED CALL, it will be safer to make the call ... well as safe as risky behavior can be.
If you are already away from your abuser and he tries to talk you into meeting him somewhere so you can talk, PLEASE DON'T GO!
If your abuser says, he just wants to talk to you ONE LAST TIME, hang up! He has just threatened your life! Consider that if he is thinking it will be the LAST time HE sees you, it might be because he already considers you DEAD!
If you are tempted to go, stop and call someone and tell them what you are thinking about doing and LET THEM TALK YOU OUT OF IT! Even if they are not successful in stopping you, at least, someone will know where to start looking for you ...
Nobody wants you dead. That would be a waste.
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