I remember a time ... about a year into my recovery ... when I had to work in Greenville more. Greenville is about 30 miles away from my home and to get there I had to travel a stretch of road that is near Aydan's house. In the beginning, I had avoided Greenville and going anywhere near that stretch, but on that day, as I was driving, I remembered the way I used to feel ... a long time ago now ... that feeling of anticipation, like the first day of school, wearing a new dress, looking forward to company coming ... excited, just a little happier than usual because something good was about to happen, and I realized that I have always had that feeling!
That overall feeling of goodness and well being didn't belong to anyone but me! I have attached it to lots of people, places and even things but the feeling was mine, and I can call it up at will. I can choose that emotion or I can choose another emotion. It was and is MY CHOICE!
When I got "hooked in" to the abuse, one of the "hooks" was that all my happiness began and ended with him, but that is a BIG FAT LIE! Another "hook" was that if I was just a little bit nicer, a little more patient, a little more pleasing, he'd "feel the love" and he'd be nicer too! ANOTHER BIG FAT LIE! My abuser used to reinforce those LIES I told myself by saying things like, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU" and "NO ONE HAS EVER HELPED ME THE WAY YOU HAVE HELPED ME". I am not saying that there are NOT times that we all decide consciously to give more than we get in a relationship. Most of us who are Mothers know that being a Mom means making willing sacrifices for our children, but our romantic relationships don't come from that place and shouldn't!
When we buy into that unequal give and take from our partner, we can be setting ourselves up for abuse long before it ever happens. He couldn't have called me the first name if I hadn't let him. If I had a stronger sense of myself, he never would have gotten to hit me more than once! I would have had healthier boundaries.
Of course, I didn't want him to call me names.
Of course, I didn't want him to hit me.
Of course, I didn't want him to push me around.
Of course, I didn't want him to criticize or ridicule me.
Of course, I didn't want him to threaten my life with a cocked and loaded shotgun!
BUT I allowed those things to happen without consequence for months, even years ... BUT NOT ANYMORE!
Driving down that stretch of road with my sunglasses on and hair blowing in the wind, my mind walked through my life and I realized how far I had come to be able to look back with such clarity.
It was bad. It's isn't NOW!
Today, I can CHOOSE. I can CLAIM the GOOD EMOTIONS and let go of the bad ones! I can CLAIM GOOD RELATIONSHIPS and let go of the bad ones!
The BEST PART is that I can call up those GOOD FEELINGS that I always gave everyone else credit for by SIMPLY FEELING THEM! They were mine all along. They weren't about him or any other man in my life, although I thought so. They were MINE.
They were MY excitement, MY anticipation, MY hopes, MY dreams, and all I have to do to feel that way at any given time on any given day is remind myself of all the times I have felt that IN LOVE WITH LIFE FEELING! That's right! Right NOW! It's not about other people, other places, or other things.
I am the AUTHOR of my own joy!
I used to feel happiness on that stretch of road and attach it to him ... but today, I felt happiness on that stretch of road and it was ALL MINE. It wasn't attached to anyone else but me. It was mine today.
In fact, I feel that same JOY driving through the mountains, whether I am with someone else or all by myself! Sure, it's nice to share those moments with someone else, but if there is no one else at the moment, I don't have to lose the moment all together!
I can live in THAT MOMENT. I don't have to look too far down the road or too far back. JUST TODAY.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am beginning to understand the past but I don't want to live there! I have today, this moment, and TODAY, I CHOOSE JOY! I claim it. I can call up good feelings or bad ones ... It really is MY CHOICE. It has been all along!
A few days later, I found this book and felt affirmation and confirmation that I am headed in the right direction!
The Power Of NOW
by Eckhart Tolle
(thoughts about living in the NOW)
FORGIVENESS ...
means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past and allowing the present moment to be as it is. The miracle of transformation happens not only within but also without. Relinquish your attachment to past and future and to make the NOW the main focus of your life.
WHEREVER YOU ARE, BE THERE TOTALLY.
If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.
ALWAYS SAY "YES" ...
to the present moment. Surrender to what IS. Say "yes" to life - and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.
YOU CAN ALWAYS COPE WITH THE NOW ...
but you can never cope with the future - nor do you have to. The answer, the strength, the right action, or the resource will be there when you need it, not before, not after.
We can do that!
No comments:
Post a Comment