Addiction to a specific relationship is just like addiction to anything else. It comes with it owns set of justifications, and real addicts are the best at justifying why it is good to do the thing they are addicted to.
I have heard alcoholics tell me about the benefits of alcohol on the human body and how even the Bible recommends strong wine ... and Jesus turned water into what? WINE, of course! They quote articles on how wine is good for the heart and the wonderful amounts of water content in beer ... If you aren't addicted to alcohol, you can hear what's going on. If you are an addict wanting alcohol, it all makes perfect sense to you!
When addictive behaviors are present in relationships, that same upside down justification system is working in us! Yesterday, I talked about choosing to call Aydan in hopes of finding the truth. That was a very good example of "acting out". Let me show you what I mean. I wrote this early in my recovery. I wanted to make peace with Aydan in some way. I hadn't learned the difference between addiction and love. They felt the same to me! Part of recovery was recognizing the thoughts and actions that helped me take care of myself and the thoughts and actions that took me down the wrong road.
Let me show you:
I wish there could be a way to make peace with all of this. I understand that you have to have respect for the laws that say that perpetrators and victims should not talk but what about God's law? The one that says if you have something against another, that you go to them ... I don't see anything that says I am exempt if they are a jerk.
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST ANOTHER, YOU GO TO THEM ... I DON'T SEE ANYTHING THAT SAYS I AM EXEMPT IF THEY ARE A JERK.
Addictive Thinking!It seems like I am treading on dangerous ground here. I don't want to encourage anyone, even me, to try to make friends with the devil, but doesn't evil win when we don't talk? Isn't it wisdom to try to find the truth somewhere between us and them? The law divides their story and our story and splits it somewhere down the middle. Maybe, that's fair?
DOESN'T EVIL WIN WHEN WE DON'T TALK?Addictive Thinking!I don't know. I can't get my head around some things. I don't understand people who intentionally hurt. I don't set out to hurt people, and I am sorry when I learn that I have, but some people don't care if they hurt others! I do want to believe that there is good in everybody. I do wish, against all odds, that there could be some resolution to such a hateful situation.
I do want to believe that there is good in everybody!
Addictive Thinking!I wish I could tell Aydan that I still have to work so hard. I avoid going places because I don't want to run into him or any of his friends. People say I shouldn't worry about these things ... that he isn't worth it. I only have one answer. He was worth it to me. I still don't know why he hurt me. I never loved a man who hated me so much! I am doing every thing I can to get over what happened. I wish he would really talk to me. I wish he was capable of seeing things from my point of view. I wish with all my heart that he could look me in the eye and say he's sorry. Everyone says he isn't sorry. Everyone says that he has SO MUCH hurt that he likes hurting other people ... even me ... maybe, especially me. If it's true ... that he delights in my pain, he better throw a party and invite all his friends! He brought me to a whole new level of PAIN! I'm hurting for me. I'm hurting for him. Maybe, that will change someday?
THERE ARE TOO MANY OBSESSIVE, CO-DEPENDENT, ROSE-COLORED THOUGHTS TO LIST. ANYONE OF THEM COULD SEND ME DOWN THE WRONG ROAD!
Lots of Addictive Thinking!It felt good to write all that! Ask a drug addict to talk about their first high and they can talk for hours!
Addictive Thinking!My friends said I shouldn't have admitted to being so vulnerable because what if Aydan found out, but who were we kidding? Aydan KNEW before all of us that I was vulnerable or he never would have picked me in the first place!
I didn't have many answers ... I didn't believe I had a future with Aydan. I just wished so much for a way to settle the past.
Just like an addict, I'm still looking for a way to "fix" everything!
Eventually, the addictive thoughts began to be replaced by more healthy ones:
"I am a little afraid of being hurt AGAIN, but I am more afraid of letting all this stuff eat me alive and I don't want to end up being one of "those bitter, old women". I am NOT going to be a bitter old woman! LOL!!! I already have proven I have what it takes to recover!"
"My truth is this. I was hurting when I met Aydan. Aydan was hurting when he met me. I saw the person I wanted him to be. He was not that man. He saw the person he wanted me to be. I was not that woman. Why didn't Aydan and I ride off into the sunset? We couldn't! The whole thing was a BIG FAT LIE! He wasn't the "good guy" he wanted me to think he was. I certainly wasn't as together as I wanted him to think I was either!"
That is the truth. There you go!
Aydan had so much anger and a need to release his anger, I had an equal need to try to convert his anger, his crimes, his punishment into the love and acceptance I wanted so badly. That's what being co-dependent is all about. Co-dependents learn early to live the lie that if we just be a little better, if we just try a little harder, then everything will be okay and we will get the love we are missing. Some of us waste whole lifetimes trying to be good enough for someone to love us. We are drawn to people who share a different side of the same "dream". Both the one who punishes and the one who is punished are drenched in fear and anger. Fear and anger come from a different place than love.
How could anything good come from such a place?
Good came to me when Aydan went too far! I took his abuse for a long time. He called me names and criticized me constantly. I hated it when he pushed me or slapped me but I would find a way to make his bad behavior tolerable because I was "hooked" on the flattery and the "joint worship services" we held for each other in between his temper tantrums. Then, Aydan tried to win an argument with a shotgun! From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place,I believed that my life was being threatened. Something inside me snapped.
Guns are NOT negotiable!
Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself and I needed to understand ...
Addictive Thinking!... the lie that I could make things better ...
Addictive Thinking!I woke up! It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time. Of course, I saw his anger. It was all over the place!
Look what it took to wake you up!
He projected his fear on me and I projected my fear on him. When two people exchange fear, they create even more pain and suffering. They exchange horrible words and terrible memories. They curse each other and live in the lies until someone wakes up. I woke up!
Do you really think you can ever have a REAL conversation with a guy like that?
I had never experienced, to that degree, what fear can do. I saw how fear had twisted Aydan in slow motion clarity. I felt how fear was twisting me. I was determined to fight back because no matter how bad things had gotten, I had survived. I was alive! I had lived through the worst day of my life. After all that, I couldn't go anywhere but up!
So, after all this time, what is my truth? My truth is this:
Everything we do ... everything that is done to us ... everywhere we go ... everything we say ... everything we think ... is just a dream we create for ourselves until we wake up. This experience changed the way I look at myself and when our view of our SELF changes, everything changes! I took ownership of my path and realized that all I have is my path. We are all on a journey. Some days are exciting and some days are quite dull, but every day is ripe with opportunities. My journey is beautiful and tailored just for me. Your journey is beautiful and tailored just for you.
Good Girl ... You're back on track. That was close!
Of course, I am sorry for the nonsense that took place between Aydan and me. I accept responsibility for my part in the nonsense. I forgive myself as well as Aydan becausethat is the only way I can truly be free. I do not want to be weighed down with unforgiveness and guilt! They can really ruin a journey.
It's almost ironic. The last time I spoke to Aydan face-to-face, he asked me what I wanted and I said, "I just want peace", hoping that he would help me find it. How could Aydan help me find something he didn't have and may never have?
So true! Just Addictive Thinking!I was forced to look for peace, myself. There was only one place to find it. I do have PEACE ... inside me ... a peace that no one can ever take away because it has always been here inside me. Happiness was never OUT THERE. It was always in here. I just didn't see it until I woke up!
It doesn't matter so much anymore what it took to wake me up as long as I finally woke up! I am grateful for every day since then. I am LOVING this journey! I have missed so much! I don't want to miss anything else! I slept through most of my life, but not anymore! How can LIFE not be better for me now? My TRUTH is kinder to me and gentler with everyone else! I look forward to each new day and all that day has for me! Maybe, peace and happiness are closer than you think too? Maybe you will find those things in your heart?
It's inside each of us, and it's up to us to find our own peace and happiness.
This is what ADDICTION looks like ... but ... This is what RECOVERY looks like too!
Of course, I wanted Aydan to say he was sorry for what he did to me, but guys like that NEVER admit they are wrong! That was "the hook" or the "addiction" in the first place. There's a little girl deep inside me that wants someone to make up for all the hurt I felt as a little girl. When I met Aydan, I met someone who was completely incapable of loving me that way. His rejection and abuse tappedintothat ancient hurt and I was "hooked" in the old way, thinking that if I did just a little more and said just a little more and gave a little more, that he would care about me ... Aydan didn't want to take care of MY needs! I was only valuable to him as long as I took care of HIS needs. The minute I showed any need at all, I diminished in value to him.
What makes that relationship "addictive" is that it taps into the same part of us that would be addicted to other things. That needy, dark place that doesn't feel complete without another drink, another fix, another hug, another piece of chocolate ... whatever addicted fix you crave and whatever addiction you are recovering from, this is part of it.
This is a predictable part of recovery. We don't have to be afraid of it. It feels real and it hurts. It is REAL! It does HURT! BUT it's NOT the addiction rushing back to take over our lives again.
Even after years of recovery, we can be overcome by those old addictive thoughts. When it happens, don't worry. It's just a flare up ... remnants of an addiction that used to burn hot. It's like this ... Imagine a bonfire burning HOT and WILD, totally out of control and think about how our lives have been ... we are like that fire, running hot, careening completely OUT OF CONTROL, but nothing ever stays out of control forever. Eventually, something bigger than the event steps in to put the brakes on. For me, it was that shotgun. For you, it might have been when he turned his anger from you to your child. For another, it might be a "last straw" kind of thing where you reach a point when you just aren't going to take it anymore. The "brakes" are like a nice big bucket of cold water poured over that fire. That's the beginning of recovery. But recovery doesn't put out the fire all at once. Just like any good bonfire, the wind plays with the embers and blows across the coals and gathers pieces of wood in the same place and flares up a time or two or three before it burns out all together.
The "flare-ups", no matter how predictable, scared me to death! I freaked out! I was like a kid who hadbeen burned by fire and one tiny flare up made me think the whole woods could go up in flames, even worse than before, but that that's not likely. Know why? We have been in recovery. We have learned how to deal with the fire. We know what starts fires and we know how to put fires out. We have more water. We have learned some good ways to fight fire now. We are wiser. We aren't likely to get burned again! In fact, why not embrace "the fire"? Expect it! Bring a bag of marshmallows and make s'mores!
Celebrate THE END, because that's what it is!
My original question and the BIGGEST "hook" of them all ... Why can't he just say he's sorry?
Addictive Thinking!My absolute answer. Aydan isn't sorry. Aydan's NOT LIKELY to ever say he's sorry. Me hoping for that just gives him another chance ... another way to hurt me again!
If I have to hear "I'm sorry", I better say it to myself!
"Taylor, I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you! I'm sorry I let "that guy" hurt you and I'm sorry I almost let him hurt you again. You are a good person and you have a miraculous life ahead of you. You have learned how to keep you safe, no matter what life brings you. You are protected! Always remember that the same God who brought you healing has already made provision for whatever challenges are ahead. You are not alone. No matter what happened to you, you were always a valuable person and you do have a purpose."
I am glad for those little "bumps in the road"! It reminds me that I am still only human and that I have good days and bad days. It reminds me that none of this recovery happens in a vacuum. I will face triggers and setbacks and flare-ups as well as healing and growth and victories.
Healing doesn't happen in a straight line. In fact, the deepest healing look more like a heart rate chart than a flat line! I love those moments of accomplishment, but I welcome the lows too. They are part of the process.
There will be cold, dark places as well as warm, light ones. There will be times when you are feeling low because there will be times when you feel really up too. There will be foggy times. There will be rainy times. There will be pitch black, cold nights as well as perfect, sunshiny days. It is the natural rhythm of things. You don't have to fear one moment. You can embrace and welcome each moment and every mood. There is beauty in it all. When it's cold and dark outside, a fireplace or a candle seems that much warmer. When there is no moon, the stars seem brighter. It has to rain somewhere before you can see a rainbow! You need the hot, summer heat to truly be quenched by ice cold lemonade the same way there is nothing like a hot cup of cocoa on a cold, winter night!
I have survived. I never knew I could feel that much pain, but I did. The pain taught me how vulnerable I am ... how vulnerable we all are. I had a setway of looking at things that really wasn't working all that well for me or I never would have ended up at that hurting place to begin with!
I had to make changes in the way I look at myself and the rest of the world to survive. I lost some of the innocence ... I couldn't keep the idea that there is good in EVERYBODY because that's not always true. I couldn't keep the idea that if I tried a little harder and worked a little more, every thing would magically turn out okay, because sometimes, in spite of our very best efforts, things don't turn out okay. It hurt to give up that idealistic view of the world, but the seasoned view I have now is not so bad.
I don't have to shut my eyes and hide from the dark! Sometimes, holding our head up and facing the thing we fear allows us to see through the dark. Our eyes readjust. We don't hide like little kids under the pillow, hoping for it to all go away! We are the grown-ups, walking to the door and looking into the night and searching for answers. The answers always come riding up. Some answers are immediate. I have watched some answers come to me from great distances ...Instead of cowering in a warm corner somewhere, I watched with excitement and growing awareness that HELP was just around the corner! Watching life unfold instead of hiding from it is the GREATEST MAGIC of all!!!
So, wherever you are, whatever you do, trust that no matter how it "feels" at the time, you are still moving forward ... toward a better place. Don't let yourself give up on you.
You are witness to a miracle, and the miracle is YOU!
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