Stalking Is A Crime.

Hello.  My name is Taylor and I am being stalked.

Legal Definition of Stalking:  a pattern of intentional, substantial, and unreasonable intrusion into the private life of a targeted person that serves no legitimate purpose and causes the person and would cause a reasonable person in his position to suffer mental or emotional distress. May include, but is not limited to, verbal, written, or electronic contact that is initiated, maintained, or repeated. 

Aydan is the man who abused me.  I understand Aydan reads my journal but I'm not writing to or for Aydan.  I am writing for you and me.  I am unconcerned if Aydan wants to eavesdrop.  Aydan and people like Aydan will eventually hear:

• Good people will not tolerate their bad behavior forever.
    
• I will not be bullied by Aydan, anyone claiming to be Aydan or anyone claiming to know Aydan. 

I became aware of it last November when Aydan found out I had gotten married.  I have received almost 80 pages of instant messages, e-mails and off-line messages from someone claiming to be Aydan or someone close to Aydan.  The messages have said:

• He/they want me to stop keeping an on-line journal about domestic abuse because it is upsetting to him/them.
• If I don't do what he/they ask, they will FORCE me to comply with their demands (You see how well that threat has worked).
• Bizarre Accusations.
• Asking me to please talk to him/them about what is bothering him/them ... pages and pages of "TALK TO ME.  HELLO?" ...

I don't really know who is sending the messages and don't care ... If it isn't Aydan, it's someone he's feeding information to.  I filed a report with AOL and YAHOO.  Both recommended that I take copies to the police in the event that contact went beyond the Internet.

It is my belief that the more people (including local law enforcement) that know about my situation, the more SAFE I actually am.  The same way I didn't hide in the corner about being abused, I am not going to hide in the corner about this either. 


Stalking

A recent study by the National Institute of Justice found that stalking was far more prevalent than anyone had imagined: 8% of American women and 2% of American men will be stalked in their lifetimes. That’s 1.4 million American stalking victims every year. The majority of stalkers have been in relationships with their victims, but a significant percentage either never met their victims, or were just acquaintances - neighbors, friends or co-workers.

Types Of Stalkers

There is tremendous confusion in the stalking research literature about how to classify stalkers. Everyone uses different terms. We have broken down types of stalkers into three broad categories: Intimate partner stalkers, delusional stalkers and vengeful stalkers. Obviously, there is overlap. Since studies show that the overwhelming number of stalkers are men and the overwhelming number of their victims are women, we will be referring to stalkers and their victims accordingly.

Intimate Partner Stalkers 

Intimate Partner Stalkers are typically known as the guy who "just can’t let go." These are most often men who refuse to believe that a relationship has really ended. Often, other people - even the victims - feel sorry for them. But they shouldn’t. Studies show that the vast majority of these stalkers are not sympathetic, lonely people who are still hopelessly in love, but were in fact emotionally abusive and controlling during the relationship. Well over half of stalkers fall into this "former intimate partner" category.

If a stalker can’t have his victim’s love, he’ll take her hatred or her fear. The worst thing in the world for him is to be ignored. Think of little children: If they’re not getting the attention they want, they’ll act out and misbehave because even negative attention is better than none at all. Former Intimate Partner Stalkers have their entire sense of self-worth caught up inthe fact that, "she loves me." Since giving up hisvictim means giving up his self-worth, he is very unlikely to do so.

Delusional Stalkers

Delusional Stalkers frequently have had little, if any, contact with their victims. They may have major mental illnesses like schizophrenia, manic-depression or erotomania. What they all have in common is some false belief that keeps them tied to their victims. This type of stalker actually believes that he is having a relationship with his victim, even though they might never have met.

Another type of Delusional Stalker might believe that he is destined to be with someone, and that if he only pursues her hard enough and long enough, she will come to love him as he loves her. These stalkers know they are not having a relationship with their victims, but firmly believe that they will some day.

Vengeful Stalkers

The final category of stalker is not lovelorn. He is the Vengeful Stalker. These stalkers become angry with their victims over some slight, real or imagined. Politicians, for example, get many of these types of stalkers who become angry over some piece of legislation or program the official sponsors. But, disgruntled ex-employees can also stalk, whether targeting their former bosses, co-workers or the entire company. Some of these angry stalkers are psychopaths, i.e. people without conscience or remorse. Some are delusional, (most often paranoid), and believe that they, in fact, are the victims. They all stalk to "get even."

Former intimate partner stalkers and delusional stalkers can become vengeful for a variety of reasons. For example, when their victims get restraining orders, or marry.

http://www.antistalking.com

For stalking laws in your State:
Stalking Resource Center -- National Center for Victims of Crime - stalking laws

Aydan could be all three of those!  Just like we talked about so many times before, if an abuser can't get us back, they will try to get back at us.

I am limited in what I can/will say about what I have done and will do about it because he/they obviously read this journal, but I am not putting up with any more of his/their nonsense. 

Will it make Aydan mad when/if he reads this?  Probably.  What else is new?  Aydan's ALWAYS mad.  Am I worried about it?  No.

There are things we can do to protect ourselves.  Even a restraining order or order of protection is just a piece of paper.  You may be hoping that the police will protect you, but the reality is that it will take the police 15-45 minutes to answer a 911 call.  That's way too much time for someone to harm us, our family or our property.  Inevitably, our personal protection is our responsibility.

Security Recommendations For Stalking Victims

(The following is provided by the Los Angeles Police Department, Threat Management Unit.)

Residence Security

1. Be alert for any suspicious persons.
2. Positively identify callers before opening doors. Install a wide angle viewer in all primary doors.
3. Install a porch light at a height which would discourage removal.
4. Install dead bolts on all outside doors. If you cannot account for all keys, change door locks. Secure spare keys. Place a dowel in sliding glass doors and all sliding windows.
5. Keep garage doors locked at all times. Use an electric garage door opener.
6. Install adequate outside lighting.
7. Trim shrubbery. Install locks on fence gates.
8. Keep fuse box locked. Have battery lanterns in residence.
9. Install a loud exterior alarm bell that can be manually activated in more than one location. Maintain an unlisted phone number. Alert household members to unusual and wrong number calls. If such activity continues, notify local law enforcement agency.
10. Any written or telephone threat should be treated as legitimate and must be checked out. Notify the appropriate law enforcement agency.
11. All adult members of the household should be trained in the use of any firearm kept for protection. It should be stored out of reach of children.
12. Household staff should have a security check prior to employment and should be thoroughly briefed on security precautions. Strictly enforce a policy of the staff not discussing family matters or movement with anyone.
13. Be alert for any unusual packages, boxes, or devices on the premises. Do not disturb such objects.
14. Maintain all-purpose fire extinguishers in the residence and in the garage. Install a smoke detector system.
15. Tape emergency numbers on all phones.
16. When away from the residence for an evening, place lights and radio on a timer. For extended absences, arrange to have deliveries suspended.
17. Intruders will attempt to enter unlocked doors or windows without causing a disturbance. Keep doors and windows locked.
18. Prepare an evacuation plan. Brief household members on plan procedures. Provide ladders or rope for two-story residences.
19. A family dogis one of the least expensive but most effective alarm systems.
20. Know the whereabouts of all family members at all times.
21. Children should be accompanied to school or bus stops.
22. Routes taken and time spent walking should be varied.
23. Require identification of all repair & sales people prior to permitting entry into residence.
24. Always park in a secured garage if available.
25. Inform trusted neighbor regarding situation. Provide neighbor with photo or description of suspect and any possible vehicles.
26. Inform trusted neighbors of any anticipated extended vacations, business trips, etc.
27. During vacations, etc., have neighbors pick up mail and newspapers.
28. If residing in an apartment with on-site manager, provide the manager with a picture of the suspect. If in a secured condominium, provide information to the doorman or valet.

Office Security

1. Central reception should handle visitors and packages.
2. Office staff should be alert for suspicious people, parcels, and packages that do not belong in the area.
3. Establish key and lock control. If keys possessed by terminated employees are not retrieved, change the locks.
4. Park in secured area if at all possible.
5. Have your name removed from any reserved parking area.
6. If there is an on-site security director, make him/her aware of the situation. Provide him/her with suspect information.
7. Have secretary or co-worker screen calls if necessary.
8. Have a secretary or security personnel screen all incoming mail (personal) or fan letters.
9. Be alert to anyone possibly following you from work.
10. Do not accept any package unless you personally ordered an item.

Personal Security  

1. Remove home address on personal checks and business cards.
2. Place real property in a trust, and list utilities under the name of the trust.
3. Utilize a private mail box service to receive all personal mail.
4. File for confidential voter status or register to vote utilizing mail box address.
5. Destroy discarded mail.
6. Phone lines can be installed in a location other than the person's residence and call-forwarded to the residence.
7. Place residence rental agreements in another person's name.
8. The person's name should not appear on service or delivery orders to the residence.
9. Do not obtain a mail box with the United States Post Office.
10. Mail box address now becomes the person's official address on all records and in all rolodexes. It may be necessary or more convenient to list the mail box as "Suite 123" or "Apartment #123" rather than "Box 123".
11. File a change of address card with the Post Office giving the mail box address as the person's new address. Send postcards [rather than U.S. Post Change of Address cards] to friends, businesses, etc., giving the mail box address and requesting that they remove the old address from their files and rolodexes.
12. All current creditors should be given a change of address card to the mail box address. (Some credit reporting agencies will remove past addresses from credit histories if a request is made. We recommend this be done.)
13. File a change of address with the DMV to reflect the person's new mail box address. Get a new driver's license with the new address on it.

Vehicle Security

1. Park vehicles in well-lit areas. Do not patronize parking lots where car doors must be left unlocked and keys surrendered; otherwise surrender only the ignition key. Allow items to be placed in or removed from the trunk only in your presence.
2. When parked in the residence garage, turn the garage light on and lock the vehicle and garage door.
3. Equip the gas tank with a locking gas cap. The hood locking device must be controlled from inside the vehicle.
4. Visually check the front and rear passenger compartments before entering the vehicle.
5. Select a reliable service station for vehicle service.
6. Keep doors locked while vehicle is in use.
7. Be alert for vehicles that appear to be following you.
8. When traveling by vehicle, plan ahead. Know the locations of police stations, fire departments, and busy shopping centers.
9. Use a different schedule and route of travel each day. If followed, drive to a police station, fire department, or busy shopping center. Sound the horn to attract attention.
10. Do not stop to assist stranded motorist. (Phone in.)

Los Angeles Police Dept., Threat Management Unit

If you require additional services:
Gavin de Becker & Associates :
A Firm That Provides Personal Threat Assessment 

   
That's quite a list!  You might not want/need to do everything on that list, but there are several VERY GOOD ideas.  Go through the list and prioritize.  Trust your instincts.  You will know what you need to do.  This is your life and everything you do to protect yourself is one step closer to taking your life back!  

Take Care Of YOU!

Tags: Stalking, Internet Stalking, anti-stalking laws in your state, security recommendations, Gavin D. Becker & Associates, Personal Threat Assessment

Surviving Significant Loss ...

At some point in our life, all of us will experience some sort of loss and a need for HEALING.  Understanding the process won't make it any easier when it happens to us but KNOWING that we can heal is a good place to start ...
 
I found this web-site to be especially comforting.  Here is just a sample of what you can expect to find and the link is listed below.


Surviving Significant Loss ...

                                                              

We live by losing and leaving and letting go. And sooner or later, with more or less pain, we must all come to know that loss is indeed a lifelong human condition. 
                            -- Judith Viorst


Life changes that involve significant loss--the death of a loved one, divorce, career crises, decline in health, or other irreversible and unwanted situations - evoke a natural emotional and behavioral response called grief. Making it through the grieving process - learning how to live with a significant loss - necessitates hard and very often painful emotional work over a period of many months or even years.

When someone is permanently deprived of something they love, the loss can affect their very identity, for instance, how they perceive their role as a husband, wife, parent, son or daughter. Often the loss brings a sudden and unsettling change in life’s basic circumstances (such as a marked decline in financial means, having to live alone, or not being able to continue to live in a familiar setting) that can provoke extreme levels of anxiety or depression.

Throughout the grieving process, it’s important that the individual not judge themselves harshly or measure their experience against what they think they “should be” feeling or how they imagine others expect them to be acting.

               There is no one way to grieve
               And certainly no one right way.

People’s coping strategies vary and can be influenced by many factors that are exclusive to each situation. In addition to cultural and religious beliefs, these factors can include the nature of the attachment to the lost loved one, the circumstances of the loss (for example, was it unexpected, the result of violence, or the culmination of a long illness), previous experiences with loss, and the availability of others to extend caring support.

Phases of Grief

Following the death of a loved one or the loss of a critical relationship (for instance, through divorce), it can seem as though the intense, sometimes overwhelming, and often conflicting physical and emotional reactions completely take over a person’s life. Many find that it can take up to a year to experience the deepest aspects of the grieving process and begin coming to terms with their loss. Understanding that there are natural and commonly experienced symptoms and “phases” of grief can often help. Although there are certainly variations in the intensity, duration and highly personal nature of each person’s experience, most go through the following three phases:

• Shock and/or denial
• Emotional and physical pain
• Reorganization and integration

It is very important to understand that these phases are by no means experienced as a linear 1-2-3 sequence. Most people find that the phases frequently overlap and often re-occur (sometimes quite unexpectedly) as they mourn their loss and in their own time change the relation to their loss from “presence” to “memory.”

Shock and/or Denial

A sense of numbness or disbelief weighs heavily on the grief-stricken individual. Many later describe having a “flat” or “empty” feeling, some say their mind felt “closed” and they were unable to accept all or even part of what had just occurred, and still others describe having felt completely detached, as if the experience of loss was happening to someone else.

Emotional and Physical Pain

People often describe this phase of grief as a seemingly never-ending roller coaster ride of emotions and physical reactions. Throughout the first year, as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that hold special meaning come up, it is not uncommon to become repeatedly overcome by levels of emotional and physical pain that can feel nearly as intense as when the loss first occurred.

Commonly experienced emotional symptoms include:

• Depression
• Despair
• Confusion
• Irritability
• Rage
• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Distraction or preoccupation
• Passivity, a sense that “life has lost all meaning”
• “Out of the blue” crying jags

Many people express such feelings as “a part of me has died,” or “I wish I was dead, too.” During this phase it is also not uncommon to feel angry with those one feels are “responsible” for the loss, including God, physicians, or even the loved one who has died.

Commonly experienced physical reactions include:

• Decreased energy and extreme fatigue
• Loss of appetite (or in some cases, eating excessively in an attempt to fill a void)
• Anxiety thatcan manifest in hyperventilation or panicattacks
• Shaking, tremors
• Memory loss
• Specific aches and pains, such as headaches, abdominal discomfort, back aches, or a stiff neck that are unrelated to any medical problem
• Tendency to push self to extremes at work, school or in a demanding exercise regime

Reorganization and Integration

While sadness, pain and disbelief may continue, the individual progressively comes to terms with the reality of their loss and finds they are gradually more able to develop renewed interest in work, family, friends and life in general.

Getting the Necessary Help

Time can be a great healer. However, crucial to recovering a sense of self and learning to live with loss is the ability to acknowledge and openly share grief’s full range of thoughts and emotions. Friends and family can often prove to be invaluable support systems. But often it is difficult for the grieving person to know how to understand what they are feeling or to feel safe expressing their thoughts (even to best friends) during the vulnerable period of trying to adjust to the reality of their loss. For many, even those who have never before sought therapy, sharing what’s going on with a therapist provides the essential opportunity to gain the insight needed to most effectively work through the painful grieving process and come to terms with their loss.



To read this text in it's entirety, you can go to:
Surviving Significant Loss - Psychologist 4therapy.com
or
www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/article/4541/115/
Surviving+Significant+Loss

Tags: surviving significant loss, Judith Vorst, Recovery, Healing

His Armor Is The Best

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home
When I fall down
They don't know who picks me up
When no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child


~  Written By Twila Paris  ~

What Can HELP With The Loss Of A Child ...

Surviving The Loss Of A Child   (continued)
                                   - Written by Stephen R. Marsh
 
Beware of Offensive Behavior

Unfortunately, either through ignorance or self-centeredness and pettiness there are people who say things that actively harm people who are grieving.  Some examples of those comments are provided below for perspective.
 
"It could have been worse."  That is always true.  It is by no means consoling.  Going to an analogy, that a mugger only put out one of your eyes instead of both is little consolation that you lost an eye.
 
"Your child is in a better place."  Yes, and the person who has lost an eye in an accident can say that too.  The problem in grief  is not that the loss is permanent, but that the pain is severe and continuing.
 
"Think of all the money you will save!"  Yes, and if you lost your sight and couldn't drive, think of all the money you would save.
 
"God's wake up call for your sins."   Then the person making the statement should not mind a similar wake up call?   Of course such a statement insists that Christ was the most sinful of all.
 
"You just need to work harder and take your mind off of it."   Most parents who have lost a child operate at about 10% to 15% of their  normal capacity for at least six months.  Suggesting that the person "do more" when they can actually do 85% less is insisting that the person do things that gratify the demander - often at the expense of whatever energy the person has to care for their family and remaining loved ones.
 
"Come back in six months when we have more time to help."
 
"I understand, I had a hangnail once."
 
 
Coping When a Child Dies

In spite of it all, it is possible to cope.  You, your family and others can all do things that will help you make it through the loss of a child(or other significant loss) in shape to make a better tomorrow and able to care for those who remain.  Always remember, those who remain needyou as much as those who died.
 
For Outsiders.

1. Express sympathy and feel free to express that you do not know what to say.  The statement  "I'm so sorry, I don't  know what to say, but I want you to know that I am so sorry and I wish I could do more.  We are praying for you and thinking of you." is just fine.  It is truthful, honest and direct, doing no harm.
   Those who told my family (and the other families we have met who also lost children) "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to  say, but I want you to know that I am so sorry" - those people do not know just how much good they did.
2. Anticipate, with patience, inappropriate behavior and emotions.   When a person acts inappropriately because of stress, it does little good to increase the stress by attacking the person under stress.
3. Often, especially if the financial strain has been severe and funds are being collected, it is wise to provide support and help in managing donated funds.
4. Do not ignore all references to the dead child.  They are dead, not erased.  Letting a grieving family discuss their child - at their own time and pace - often helps a great deal.
5. At the family members' own pace, allow them to participate in social activities and church callings.  It is generally best to continue family members involvement in various positions and to support them in their weakness, rather than releasing them from everything - to the extent that the organization has the ability to allow such a course of action.
   It is important for those who lose children to keep on and to not give into despair.  Being involved in life, social activities and church helps that healing process as long as those well wishers do not overwhelm the grieving parent.
6. Finally, realize that the need for patience and resolving grief are both long term processes.  If you can't help, at least do not try to rush.  The pain will not be over in a week, not three to five weeks, not three to five months.  The recovery will not even be stable until three to five years.
   Since the two most common results of attempting to rush recovery  are (1) increased stressand (2) locking the person in at a stage of grief (usually denial), rushing grief is often the most harmful thing someone can do to a grieving parent.

For Family Members.
 
Nothing cures the pain.  Some things help a little.
 

1. Compassionate Friends and other grief support groups exist  and can help.  Being with those who have been through the same pain and loss can really make a difference - often all the difference in the world.
2. Keep moving.  If you stop, everything stops with you.  You  have living children and family as well as those who have died.  It may seem impossible, but the sooner you can return to some semblance of work (even at reduced hours), the sooner your mind will start to focus on healing.
   I literally owe my life to the kindness of the judges and attorneys  with whom I interacted in the months following the deaths of my daughters.
3. Reduce stress.  Keep a journal, pray, and get mild aerobic exercise.
4. Find safe places to express your rage, fear, pain, hurt, rejection and confusion.  You will have all of those  emotions, with great intensity.  It will be difficult to express them in an "appropriate" way and it is best to find a safe, private place to express your emotions.
5. Provide safe places for other family members to express their rage, fear, pain, hurt, rejection and confusion.  Protect those you love.
6. Be careful about becoming bitter.
7. Turn towards those you love, rather than away.  This is a key to those relationships that survive significant loss.  The people in them turn towards each other rather than inwards when placed under stress.  You can change the odds from 95% against you to  95% in your favor by controlling this one factor - a factor that is a matter of personal choice and one you can  control.

Conclusion
 
The death of a child is a terrible loss that destroys many families.   Often the fate of a family or some of its members hangs by a thread.  By loving and understanding, by the pure knowledge of God, without hypocrisy and without guile, families can be supported in their pain and aided on the path to healing.
 

Biography:  Stephen R. Marsh

Stephen R. Marsh is an attorney practicing in Wichita County, Texas, and a member of Compassionate Friends (see web-site below).
 
Jessica died January 26,1993 from Adult Respiratory Distress  Syndrome (ARDS - the same thing that resulted in all the Hantavirus deaths).  While ARDS has over a hundred known different causes,  and while Jessica spent a month in ICU units, the better part of that time in Dallas Childrens Medical Center's ECMO unit (the best center for ARDS treatment for children in the United States), the best guess her lead physician had for the cause of her death was "extreme bad luck."

Courtney died on December 26, 1993. On the 21st she had a complete check-up (we took her in for an ear ache) and she was in perfect health.  She came down with what seemed like a mild version of the flu on the 22nd of December.  On the 25th she still seemed to have the flu so we took her to a hospital because she seemed a little listless. (We were a little overprotective of her)  She was diagnosed as a new diabetic.  While in the intensive care unit, she had a seizure which herniated her brain stem. She was pronounced brain-dead on December 26th at the UCLA PICU.

I must also note that I and my family would not have made it but for the incredibly kind and careful help of the local community.  It is impossible to adequately express just how much of a difference  they made and the extent to which so many people helped.

For a book devoted to discussing many similar things, see James Dobson's When God Doesn't Make Sense.  See also The Grief Recovery Handbook by James & Cherry (Harper & Row) at pages 30 and 34 for a more clinician oriented set of lists.  A book I liked is When Good-Bye Is Forever:  Learning to Live Again After the Loss of a Child, John Bramblett (Ballantine/Inspirational, New York 1991).  Unfortunately, it was not picked up for wide library sales distribution.  Of the countless journal type  books, I liked it the best and only wish it were easier to find.

A great deal of harm is done by people who force grieving persons  to cover their grief over and to bottle it up inside where it will fester and grow bitter or otherwise not heal properly.

Studies have shown that regardless of how religious you are, sincere prayer has a substantial healing effect.  From a statistical viewpoint, it is your personal sincerity that matters, not the religious tradition you embrace.

Emotion needs to come out and be expressed - but in places where  others will not be harmed or use the emotion to harm you.  Often, in severe grief, a person does not need consolation so much as they need to mourn instead.  Christ said "blessed are they that mourn" not "blessed are they that avoid mourning...  

                                    http://adrr.com/living/sloss.htm
                 Copyright 1995-1997 Stephen R. Marsh, also recommending:
                                      The Compassionate Friends

If You Or Someone You Know Has Lost A Child ...

Surviving The Loss Of A Child
                  - Written by Stephen R. Marsh
 
Introduction
 
Taking time for my children has always been important.  At least once a week I would make certain to drive my oldest daughter to first grade.  She would give me a hug, a kiss on the nose, another hug and then run off to class, stopping briefly to wave before she disappeared into the school.  With a drop off time of 8:15 and an office that opened later, those drives gave me a chance to let Jessica know that she came first and to start my day with putting family first.
 
Later, as our baby Courtney started to be a toddler, I would get up with her when she awoke in the early mornings and she and I would sit down on the floor and read the morning paper together.  That let her tired mother get a little more sleep and gave me a time each morning where I could put my child and family first.
 
I was asked to write this article to share how my wife and I coped  with the unexpected and unrelated deaths of Jessica and Courtney and what we have done to help our surviving daughter.  It is hoped that this might help others who find themselves in the circumstances of losing a child or other loved one. 
 
What to Expect
 
Grief

All significant loss results in grief.  If you've lost a grandparent, a pet, a job, or had to move, you have experienced loss and grief and the associated stress.

For "normal" stress your mind automatically responds in whatever  pattern you use to deal with stress.  For some people that means jogging, for some it means swearing, for some, time with a good book or the television.  

Everyone has coping mechanisms that are used to deal with "normal" stress.  However, when a person experiences extraordinary stress, the normal coping mechanisms are not enough.  As a result, when a person experiences a loss beyond the normal stresses and conflicts of life, they subconsciously begin to cycle through various methods of coping, trying to find one that works better.  

This happens to everyone who experiences extraordinary stress.  The not necessarily rational logic used by your subconscious is:  
"I have to try something new, after all, if the normal method worked, the stress would be gone."
 
Half of dealing with grief is recognizing this cycling process (which occurs over and over again) and working through the disruption and pain that accompanies it.  The other half consists of enduring pain.  While it is extreme, deep and forceful, and while it never completely heals, you can learn to cope with the pain that grief provides. 
 
Incapacity
 
In addition to being painful, severe loss is incapacitating.  For example, the period of substantial incapacity normally lasts one to three years when a child dies, nine to fifteen months for a miscarriage.  Often losing a job results in substantial incapacity for three to twelve months.
 
Because a substantial portion of incapacity is the loss of mental function, a person who has lost a child often is not able to properly gauge the depth or level of their incapacity.  Many people report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time.  The mental effort required to keep their balance took more than they had.  At the same time, they were unaware of suffering from any incapacity, only looking back did they realize just how impaired they had been.
 
Unfortunately, in addition to reduced mental function greater financial obligations usually accompany loss.  Thus the demands  on your ability increase as your ability decreases.
 
 
Coping and Catastrophic Change
 
By nature, everyone has multiple ways to cope with any problem.  While everyone has heard of the "Flight or Fight" alternatives, there are actually about nine methods of coping used by people, each with a typical type of action and an associated mental state.

1. Attack.  When faced with a problem, one may attack it.  The action for this pattern is fighting and the emotion is anger.  Anyone who reacts to challenge and problems with anger is focused on this pattern of resolving conflicts and problems.
2. Fleeing.  When faced with a problem, a person can run away  from it.  The action is flight, and the emotional state is fear.  Many people run from their problems.
3. Denial.  The action is to ignore the problem and the emotional state is dullness.
4. Dithering.  The  action associated with dithering is random response and the emotional state is confusion.   Dithering is also referred to in the literature as distracting.
5. Co-option.  The action associated with co-opting problems is  cooperation.  The general act is trying to reach a participatory and collective action and the emotional state is a cooperative one.
6. Analysis.  This response to stress or problems is to attempt to think through and understand the problem.  The emotional state is usually curiosity.
7. Action.  This response is somewhat of the opposite to Analysis.  It is "doing something, anything" and in many ways is an active form of dithering.  The emotional state is one of extreme intentness.
8. Appeasement.  The general act is to just give in and the general emotional state is guilt.
9. Anguish.  This response is to give up and the emotional state is one of despair.  

Whenever there is catastrophic change and pain, the mind treats  the pain as a signal that the current methods of coping need to be changed.  The subconscious treats the pain as proof that the current method has failed and forces a person to begin to try the methods over and over again until the pain decreases and something is found that "works."
 
Persons who have catastrophic loss will experience all of the above states and methods over and over again in their lives, almost randomly, until the pain decreases.

Thus, if a person were assaulted and robbed in a parking lot, they would feel anger, confusion, guilt and a desire to do something (or nothing) over and over again until the pain hadhealed.  The emotions and states would be applied to everything in life, not just parking lots and banks.
 
A person who loses a child will suffer through this cycle for at least a year and usually for three to five years.  If they are moved off track in their healing they can become stuck in a mode for five to ten years or even for life.  One of the worst things outsiders can do is pressure grieving parents not to resolve a mode or to attempt to force them to stick in one.

Steps and Cycles
 
It is important to understand that these steps associated with grief and mourning can afflict everyone, not just those with "serious" losses.  While these steps are caused by the constant cycling of coping mechanisms, these steps occur, to some extent, in every life when loss occurs.  While few lose children, many lose jobs, friends and other hopes, and experience portions of the same steps.
 

Biography:  Stephen R. Marsh

Stephen R. Marsh is an attorney practicing in Wichita County, Texas, and a member of Compassionate Friends (see web-site below).
 
Jessica died January 26,1993 from Adult Respiratory Distress  Syndrome (ARDS - the same thing that resulted in all the Hantavirus deaths).  While ARDS has over a hundred known different causes,  and while Jessica spent a month in ICU units, the better part of that time in Dallas Childrens Medical Center's ECMO unit (the best center for ARDS treatment for children in the United States), the best guess her lead physician had for the cause of her death was "extreme bad luck."

Courtney died on December 26, 1993. On the 21st she had a complete check-up (we took her in for an ear ache) and she was in perfect health.  She came down with what seemed like a mild version of the flu on the 22nd of December.  On the 25th she still seemed to have the flu so we took her to a hospital because she seemed a little listless. (We were a little overprotective of her)  She was diagnosed as a new diabetic.  While in the intensive care unit, she had a seizure which herniated her brain stem. She was pronounced brain-dead onDecember 26th at the UCLA PICU.

I must also note that I and my family would not have made it but for the incredibly kind and careful help of the local community.  It is impossible to adequately express just how much of a difference  they made and the extent to which so many people helped.

For a book devoted to discussing many similar things, see James Dobson's When God Doesn't Make Sense.  See also The Grief Recovery Handbook by James & Cherry (Harper & Row) at pages 30 and 34 for a more clinician oriented set of lists.  A book I liked is When Good-Bye Is Forever:  Learning to Live Again After the Loss of a Child, John Bramblett (Ballantine/Inspirational, New York 1991).  Unfortunately, it was not picked up for wide library sales distribution.  Of the countless journal type  books, I liked it the best and only wish it were easier to find.

A great deal of harm is done by people who force grieving persons  to cover their grief over and to bottle it up inside where it will fester and grow bitter or otherwise not heal properly.

Studies have shown that regardless of how religious you are, sincere prayer has a substantial healing effect.  From a statistical viewpoint, it is your personal sincerity that matters, not the religious tradition you embrace.

Emotion needs to come out and be expressed - but in places where  others will not be harmed or use the emotion to harm you.  Often, in severe grief, a person does not need consolation so much as they need to mourn instead.  Christ said "blessed are they that mourn" not  "blessed are they that avoid mourning" ...
  

                                http://adrr.com/living/sloss.htm
          Copyright 1995-1997 Stephen R. Marsh, also recommending:
                                  The Compassionate Friends

Tags: Surviving The Loss Of A Child, Healing, Hope

I Heard A Song Bird Sing ...

A man came into the store the other day.  I was filling out his paper work when I asked his name ... I stopped writing and said, "Are you related to the Huston girl?" 

He said, "I'm her father."   I said, "I was so sorry to hear about her death.  She was a beautiful and talented young lady ... I saw her sing at a banquet for young women once.  She had an amazing effect on those young women."   He looked down, took a deep breath, and began to tell his story.

He said he and his wife knew something was wrong when they hadn't heard from her ... They had gone to the police to report her missing.

Policemen have their jobs to do.  They have a way to getting to the facts and not all their ways are victim friendly ... When the Hustons kept insisting that something was wrong, the police began to suspect Mr. Houston of being the one who harmed his own daughter!  The Hustons did everything right ... They gave the police phone numbers and addresses of friends.  They shared their own fears and suspicions ... Anything that might help the police find their daughter ... their precious baby girl.  Mr. Houston had nightmares about his daughter ... dark images ... blood, her body in a dumpster.  He told the police.  The police didn't believe that Mr. Houston could "just know" that without personal knowledge ... Just the facts thinking ... This didn't go on for a few days or even a few weeks, but MONTHS with no real answers or clues ... Mr. and Mrs. Huston being interviewed together and separately, with the implication that Mr. Huston had to be guilty ...

I can't imagine it.  I can't imagine not knowing the whereabouts of my daughter for months.  I can't imagine the nightmares they both must have had.  I can't imagine being so afraid and then having the police, who would say they are only doing their job, questioning your motives ... your home life ... your morals ... your character, taking everything you have told them and using it to build a "case" against you!

Mr. Huston's nightmares had come true ... They did find Tamika Huston ... Mr. Huston's voice caught on his words. 

I had heard all the media hype about the casenot being covered the same way they would have covered it if Tamika had been a white girl, but in that moment, Mr. Huston and I were just two parents, not black and white ... just two parents.  I reached across the counter, put my hand on his hand and said, "I am so sorry.  I can not imagine how I would have felt if it had been my daughter."

My eyes were full of tears.  Mr. Huston's shoulders stiffened and he said, "Thank you." the way men do when they are trying hard to maintain their composure ...

I thought about him and his family all day.  I thought about the day I heard Tamika sing.

I had volunteered with a group that had done a class on self-esteem for young teenage girls.  A graduation banquet had been planned and "our girls" were going to be starring in their own fashion show ... They were so EXCITED.  Dress-up clothes on coat hangers, make-up and shoes were everywhere in the rooms that the girls were getting ready.  They were giggling and laughing when an older girl in a beautiful gown walked in the room.  I didn't know her, but she walked around the room, speaking to most of the girls and telling them how proud she was of them.  She looked like someone off the cover of a magazine!

I got back to the list of things I had to do, helped in the banquet room, making sure the family members and mothers of the girls were seated and comfortable.  Most of the meals had been served by the time the program started. 

Mrs. Bertha Samuel thanked everyone for coming and gave a brief introduction to the fashion show.  Ms. Bertha talked about the importance of positive self image and how empowering it can be for young girls today, just getting their start in life.  One by one, she introduced the "graduates", talked a little bit about the dress they were wearing and then, said something special about each and everyone of the girls.  You could see the pride on the girl's faces and in their family's eyes.  Ms. Bertha talked about the dreams that these girls had and how most dreams grow best where there is faith, faith in God and faith in each other.  There was so much goodness and love in that room ... and in that moment, Ms. Bertha introduced Miss Tamika Huston.

Tamika sang the words that were on everyone's hearts.  I could see the girls looking up to her and hoping thatthey could be just like Tamika one day ...

I have heard so many people say that they heard Tamika sing ... In fact, there have been so many kind things said about her and all she had done in her young life.  I don't know the thinking that goes into the black-white thing.  Maybe, their were some decisions made on the basis of race ... I don't know.  Race didn't have a whole lot to do with my experience with Tamika. 

The color of the songbird doesn't stop me from appreciating the pretty song, especially when that beautiful little songbird sang with all her heart.


                    If you would like to know more about Tamika Houston,
                      Here is a beautiful web site:  Tamika Huston Missing

Tags: Tamika Huston, song bird, inspiration to others when she lived, reminder to others to always be safe

Free Roller Coaster Rides !!!

 
I said a few days ago that a lot of people have been hurt.  It seems like every one, at one time or another, will know what it's like to recover from something.  

I am NOT saying that any one HURT is any worse than any other.  We all react differently.  A planned operation can be just as traumatic to one person's body as being a victim of robbery ... rape ... incest ... abuse and domestic violence ... is to someone else.  The loss of a loved one can throw you down harder than anything ever has.  A car accident ... A house fire ... A tornado ... A hurricane ... An earthquake can turn your world upside down in a split second.  None of those things impact any of us the same way.

Recovery started out for me like a ride on a ROLLER COASTER, you know, one of those rides ... where you are going as fast as you can in one direction, only to be hurled just as fast in another direction?  I felt like I was suspended precariously between hope and hopelessness ... I wanted to believe in basic goodness even when everything seemed so bad! 

Recovery is messy ... Healing doesn't come in a neat little package.  It has ups and downs. 

The only way out is THROUGH!  I pushed through some scary, painful times.  I wondered how someone like me could end up in a place like that!  It's all so clear to me now, but at the time, my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't even think straight.

Disengaging and Breaking Away from that abusive relationship was like untangling from barbed wire and broken glass.  Every move hurt and cut away at parts of me that I guess I didn't need anyway.  I had to let go of major portions of pride.  I had to hold that person accountable for the pain he caused.  I had to admit that I had made some really bad choices.  I had to take responsibility for those choices.  I had to forgive myself.  I had to ask other people for help.  I had to let myself feel everything ... Shame, Grief, Confusion, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance, Hope, Forgiveness, Faith and Gratitude ...

I guess I'll have to work on some of those things every day for the rest of my life, but the REST of my life is going to be so much better than it was!

Someone suggested that I write my feelings in short phrases ... That worked for me because there were days I couldn't have put all my feelings in complete sentences.  It wasn't about making pretty poetry.  It was about getting the feelings OUT ...

 

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!

I made myself think of something else
EVERY TIME
I thought of that night.

I felt each feeling as it came.
I didn't deny a single one.

I told myself that
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY,
One minute at a time,
One hour at a time, One day at a time ...

I've been through worse than this.
It really hurt back then,
But
It doesn't have to hurt me still.

I can choose ...
And today, I chose to be happy ...

Tomorrow?
I'll have another choice ...

One minute at a time,
One hour at a time, One day at a time ...

 

There were times I would have liked to pretend that bad thing never happened.  Living in a pretend world is not for me!  I'm glad I found my way out of that dark place!  I'm happy to encourage others to "take the journey" toward healing!  Of course, you will feel sadness!  It's okay if you find yourself wishing that things could be different.  I did the same thing!  But one day, you accept that things are the way they are ... and you begin to grow ... 

Scott Peck, in his book, PEOPLE OF THE LIE, talks about what happens when people choose NOT to grow. 

We either get better or we get worse ... and some people do get worse.  They are like dead men walking ... living only the part of their lives they are willing to admit to ... That's what makes them "people of the lie".  It's not the lies other people tell them that hurt them.  It's the lies they tell themselves!  Each time they lie to themselves, they sell a tiny piece of their soul, and some of them didn't have much "soul real estate" to begin with!

Well, that's not my story to tell. 

I hurt so bad, and I didn't ever want to go through that dark place again, so I did everything I could to, hopefully, not to go that way again.  I can't control anything or anyone else, but I am in full control of ME ... thankfully!  I have found some tools that will help me cope with whatever is down the road for me.  We'll talk about some of those coping skills another day, but for today ... 

I will do my best with whatever comes my way, and I'll do my best with what ever happens tomorrow and the day after that, I'll do the same, one day at a time, until doing my best is a habit!

 

I  SURVIVED.
You Can SURVIVE Too!

Tags: abuse, recovery, emotional roller coaster, healing, hope

Winter Gray Days ...

I woke up this morning and the morning was already settled into a perfect shade of winter gray ... again!  

I didn't have anything pressing on my morning agenda ... nothing that couldn't wait ... in fact, I mused, why do I even have lists of things to do when I get everything else done?  If it can wait, it's not really that important any way ... Why even keep a list?  That made me smile ... Haven't even had my coffee and I'm already giving myself a headache!  

Gray days are my worst days.  They seem to drench me in a gray mood ... not happy, not sad ... ambivalent ... If I am already down, a gray day can shove me under the covers and deeper into my pillow.  If I am in a better mood with lots to do, I don't pay any attention to the gray.  I pretend it isn't there like a hole in my stocking that no one but me can even see.  

Today, with nothing better to do, I looked GRAY in the face and SMILED!  I'm gonna beat this gray thing today.  I'm not going to hide from it.  I'm not going to ignore it.  I'm going to use it to work for me.  

I'm going to pretend I'm in elementary school art class and the teacher handed me a gray sheet of paper ... How can I liven up a gray piece of paper? 

PLAY !?!?!   

I needed a little light and a little warmth so I decided to light a few candles.  I love candles!  In fact, if a few are good, several are even better!  

That reminds me of a new trick I found.  I had a jar candle that I wanted to put in a crystal vase, but I needed to find a way to balance the jar in the vase and there wasn't enough room for those little glass bubbles.  I remember seeing someone put sand in between two candles, but where am I going to find sand in February and besides, sand might scratch the crystal ... but ground coffee wouldn't so I used ground coffee in between the jar and the vase to hold the jar in place.  Know what happened when I lit the vanilla candle?  It warmed up the coffee and the whole house smelled like one of those fancy coffee shops!  Try it!  It works great!    

There was a bulldozer working in the neighbor's yard so I put my favorite CD on and turned it up to drown out some of the noise.  Hey!!!  That's nice!  I even danced a little on the way into the kitchen.  

Tea!  I need a good cup of hot tea!  My favorite tea is licorice spice, but I change favorites about every other week.  I reached into the canister and picked Tuscany Orange Spice ...   

Hmm ... not bad so far.  My gray day is brighter with candles, happier with music and now it tastes like orange and spice ... Now, just like an elementary child, I need to use my imagination.

My sister gave me a porch swing for Christmas.  I love to swing! 

I took my tea and a cozy quilt and sat on the back porch, just thinking of all the things I am thankful for.  I have been doing that ever since I started recovery ... counting my blessings ... In the beginning, it took almost all day to find even one thing to put on that list!  It became a habit, and today, I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

Going over this next week in my mind, I made a big pot of chili and a roast this weekend and froze them in smaller portions ... which means I won't have to cook as much this week ... which means instead of planning meals, I can walk a mile or two more.

What can I think of next?  

The music I put in is a Bobby Darin tape.  That music was way before my time, but I have always loved the old movies and the love stories and the innocent way the world viewed itself.  I thought about the clothes ... tailored suits or flowing gowns in silks and satins.  I loved the look ... the curls ... the matching bags and shoes ... simple pearl necklaces and soft sweaters ...

I know what!  I'm going to curl my hair and paint my fingernails pink and wear a sweater to match!  

I have a black leather coat and boots.  It's a little colder today.  I could wear my new scarf with all the colors, even pink!  I could wear those dressy wool slacks.  I haven't been able to wear them for a while but I have lost weight. 

I could even go shopping or meet a friend for lunch ... I haven't gone out much lately.  I don't know why.  I guess I wasn't in the mood.  I am in the mood today!

I am?  

It's a boring gray day and I forgot it was a boring gray day!  Isn't it amazing what a few candles, a little music, a cup of tea, curls, finger nail polish, a soft sweater and pearls can do?  It wasn't all that?  What was it then?  

ME!  

I am the difference in this gray day!  I chose to put color in this gray day and I lit it up from the inside.  Sunny days and blue skies are just plain HAPPY ... but when the sun takes a break and the blue has gone away, I can make own sunshine!  

On gray days, I get to make my own sunshine?  

KEEEWL !!!!!  

I think I like gray days!  

My Blog Name Has Changed!

I started keeping a journal almost five years ago ... It has changed directions many times ... but always, it contained random truths and scattered epiphanies about HEALING!  Lately, through the feedback of friends, I have realized that HEALING is MUCH BIGGER than just overcoming or surviving ...

HEALING is the UNIVERSAL PAIN REMEDY!

Life isn't always easy.  You can be sailing along on a perfectly calm sea on the prettiest day and suddenly everything changes ... DEVASTATING HURT and EXCRUTIATING PAIN replace every good feeling you were just feeling. 

I was a victim of domestic violence, but there are all sorts of victims!  Maybe, you suffered some other kind of abuse?  Maybe, you abused yourself with drugs and alcohol?  Maybe, you are struggling to survive cancer?  Maybe, you have suffered the loss of a loved one?  Maybe, you were in a car accident or a natural disaster? 

We all have personal tragedies that stop us in our tracks.  We're stuck in a PLACE we have never been before and IT HURTS!  IT HURTS REALLY BAD!   All of the sudden, your world turns dark ...  

BUT THAT'S NOT THE END!  

It's in that dark place that you can find the DEEPEST HEALING!  YOU really can be YOUR OWN HERO!  God gave YOU a powerful spirit.  You may have forgotten it, but it's still there.  YOU can gather all the HOPE and HEALING that is already inside you ... You already have your answers.  YOU CAN FIND THEM.

I had to clear away some rubbish to get to my answers!  Have you ever put something in a SAFE PLACE and then, forgot where you put it?  That's what it's like!  Shhhhhhh ... Don't worry!  Shhhhhhh ... It will be okay.  Shhhhhhh ... I'll help you look!


HEALING CAME TO ME AND IT CAN COME TO YOU, 
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE ...
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR PAIN IS ...
NO MATTER WHEN IT HAPPENED ...
NO MATTER WHY IT HURTS ...
NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW ... 
HEALING CAN COME TO YOU
ANY TIME YOU CHOOSE!


I publish this blog in four different locations to try to reach as many people as possible.  It is working!  I have heard from the most amazing people!  Some of you have shared your personal stories.  Some of you have written the sweetest notes, telling me that I helped you.  Some of you have asked really good questions that impacted the topics we covered ... Recovery is a personal journey and I have been honored to have shared it with those of you who have written so far.  I cherish the letters I have received and look forward to meeting more of you.  I am learning on this journey too.  Some of you have been my teachers.  It is rewarding to have such a painful period of my life be transformed into something meaningful for myself as well as others.  Thank You.

If you are new to this blog, maybe, my words or the words of my friends will help you start the HEALING process?  Maybe, they'll encourage you along the way?  Maybe, I will remind you of a darker time in your own life, and like me, you will be thankful that those memories were lessons learned in the distant past?
 
This blog is made up of:

• my personal story and the stories of other survivors.
• excerpts from helpful books that you may explore further on your own. 
• links to excellent web-sites and resources.

It is my hopethat they will be useful in your own HEALING.  My intention is to be informative and offer encouragement.  PERSONAL TRAGEDY can isolate us from the rest of the world.  Sometimes, just knowing that you're not alone can be the beginning of healing.
 
I am only one small voice in a great BIG cyberspace.  I am trusting that you will find me if you are supposed to find me.  Not everything I write will speak to your situation and that's okay.  Take what you can use and leave what you don't need.  Always be tender with yourself.  If any topic or post is too upsetting, please stop reading.  It's okay to move on to something else.  Hopefully you will find things that will be of value to you. 

I am glad to hear from you and welcome your comments.  I will be happy to offer my opinion or exchange ideas but nothing I write should ever take the place of qualified professionals.  I want to encourage you to seek help in your community.  Your safety and well-being are important to me. 
 
One more thing ... The names have been changed in my personal history as well as any of the histories shared by others.  I am not responsible for the details or content of anyone else's story.  Please do not ask for real names or inquire about other people's email addresses.  The privacy of all readers and contributors is absolutely essential.  If you would like to submit something that helped you or might add to another's HEALING, you can send it to me at kktaylorcc@aol.com.  

Thank You!  

Taylor 



To make it easier for you to find topics that might interest you, here is a list of previous posts:

NOVEMBER ~ 2005

11-15-2005        Welcome To My Journal
11-17-2005        What I Know Now That I Didn't Know Then
11-18-2005        Aydan ... The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
11-19-2005        Let's Talk About Those Red Flags
11-20-2005        I Went To Save Aydan & Saved Myself Instead
11-21-2005        Why Did He DO That?
11-22-2005        The Rules Of The Game (The Legal Process)
11-23-2005        Why Did I FEEL This?
11-24-2005        Happy Thanksgiving!
11-25-2005        The Roller Coaster Ride Called Recovery
11-26-2005        Abusers, Narcissists & Sociopaths
11-27-2005        Co-Dependency?
11-28-2005        I'm Going To Sit Right Down & Write Myself A Letter
11-29-2005        Filling Up The Spaces
11-30-2005        Getting The Support You Need

DECEMBER ~ 2005  

12-01-2005        What Do YOU Want?
12-02-2005        FORGIVENESS
12-03-2005        Good Books To Help You Heal
12-04-2005        HOLIDAY SURVIVAL NOTES
12-05-2005        I Can CLAIM IT & SO CAN YOU !!!
12-06-2005        The Four Agreements
12-07-2005        Letting Go
12-09-2005        A Visit With The Cedar Waxwings
12-10-2005        Questions, Questions & More Questions = 
                            Answers That Work For Me
12-11-2005        Nobody Wants You Dead.  That Would Be A Waste.
12-12-2005        Addictive Thinking
12-13-2005        Deep, Dark Depression ... Excessive Misery
12-14-2005        Deep, Dark Depression ... Transformed!
12-19-2005        Deep, Dark Depression & Dancing In The Dark
12-20-2005        Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
12-21-2005        What Is Life Like For The Narcissist?
12-22-2005        Narcissists & Relationships
12-23-2005        What Can WE Do With "Our Narcissist"?
12-24-2005        HOPE For Us & HEALING Too!
12-25-2005        Merry Christmas!
12-27-2005        The Sociopath Next Door
12-28-2005        The Sociopath Next Door - Part 2
12-29-2005        Abusers, Narcissists & Sociopaths - Review
12-30-2005        Co-Dependent No More - Part 1
12-31-2005        Co-Dependent No More - Part 2

JANUARY ~ 2006

01-01-2006        Co-Dependent No More - Part 3
01-02-2006        Co-Dependent No More - Part 4
01-03-2006        Co-Dependent No More - Part 5
01-04-2006        Co-Dependent No More - Part 6
01-05-2006        Abusers, Narcissists & Sociopaths and Co-Dependents ...
                            The Common Thread
01-06-2006        What Is Addictive Thinking?
01-08-2006        Acceptance
01-09-2006        Another Survivor's Voice
01-10-2006        It's YOUR LIFE and You Are SO WORTH IT!
01-11-2006        Please Don't Give Up!
01-12-2006        Lonely Sometimes?
01-13-2006        I Am A Survivor - NOT A Victim!
01-14-2006        SISTERS
01-15-2006        A Survivor Named Kelly
01-16-2006        Are You Thinking Of Going Back?
01-17-2006        Cycle Of Abuse?
01-18-2006        What Can We Do About The Cycle Of Abuse?
01-19-2006        Autobiography In Five Chapters
01-20-2006        More On The Four Agreements
01-21-2006        Getting The Support You Need ...
01-22-2006        Living The Life You Want
01-23-2006        Red Flags & Warning Signs
01-24-2006        Let's Talk About Those RED FLAGS!
01-25-2006        I Went To "Save" Aydan & Saved Me Instead ...
01-26-2006        Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
01-27-2006        Betrayal, Trauma Bond & Recovery ...
01-28-2006        Healing Safety & Taking Control
01-29-2006        Are You HURT?  Are You SAFE?  Are You OKAY?
01-30-2006        Forgiveness?
01-31-2006        Healthy Relationships

FEBRUARY ~ 2006

02-01-2006        Make It A Good Day!
02-02-2006        Groundhog Day!
02-04-2006        Remember "Play Days" ???
02-05-2006        Women Over 40 ...
02-06-2006        Who Is The REAL You?
02-07-2006        More About The REAL YOU
02-08-2006        "SELF MATTERS" by Dr. Phil
02-09-2006        Full Circle
02-10-2006        The Strength of a Man
02-11-2006        Room For A Miracle?
02-12-2006        An Uncommon Love Story ... My Miracle
02-14-2006        Happy Valentine's Day!
02-15-2006        LANGUAGE OF THE HEART and RULE NUMBER ONE
02-16-2006        BREAK IN THE CUP and INSIDE MY HEAD
02-17-2006        ASK FOR MORE and TURNING POINT
02-18-2006        STEP INTO YOUR SKIN and IT'S ALMOST TIME
02-19-2006        TODAY!