I have been in recovery for three years today!
Three years ago, Aydan, the man I dated at the time, ended our relationship by threatening me with a shotgun ... I got away that night. I survived! I stayed away. I found healing! I don't know that I will ever forget that last night, but I have certainly outgrown my fear of it. It's just a bad thing that happened, and bad things happen to everybody.
Anniversaries of bad things (and good things) can be triggers for those of us in recovery. A year after his rage was long gone from my life, August 24th was a BRUTAL day for me ... complete with anxiety and panic attacks.
But time really does heal and the next year was much easier. I had begun to let people back into my life. I had found forgiveness for myself and others ... acceptance that everything that happens, happens for a reason ... although we can hardly ever see any good reason for some of the bad things that happen at the time they are happening, the answers eventually come to us.
The most important things to my recovery have been:
- a growing faith and belief that everything will be okay
- a supportive family
- the kindness of friends
- the inspiration of others who had survived their own setbacks
- making my home a safer place
- being willing to continue the work that had begun in me
- acceptance that this has been, is now and always will be a part of the path I walk and each day brings new choices
- HOPE that the wounds would heal ...
- HOPE that I really could change the part of me that used to be attracted to the idea of helping/changing/fixing a man more than I was to the man ...
- HOPE in seeing some of the things I have learned become an everyday part of the way I think ...
- HOPE that deep hurt or any deep feelings of any kind only open up my heart to feel ALL feelings more deeply ...
- HOPE in finding meaning and value in the lessons I have learned ... and ...
- HOPE that I have grown enough that I won't ever have to repeat those lessons.
Today, I celebrate this wonderful journey called recovery!
Melody Beattie describes recovery this way:
"... the further we progress in this miraculous program, the more we and our circumstances change. We begin to explore uncharted territory. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates. We no longer want to be a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma. Life gets good."
Today of all days, I got this email from an on-line friend. I smiled as I read it because reading these words and understanding them from the inside out were a peaceful confirmation that I have chosen the right path. Because I have lived these words, I can promise you with every ounce of my heart ... that the following words are most certainly TRUE.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends
because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no,
you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are ...
even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending ...
Compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you ...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals ...
Look for someone complimentary ... not supplementary.
Dating is fun ... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes ...
When a man always know where you are,
And your always readily available to him,
He takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything
That you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies ... You'll make someone SMILE,
Another RETHINK her choices,
And another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
An hour to appreciate them,
A day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
Somewhere ... I can't remember exactly when ... I quit counting the mean things Aydan said and did and I started counting the good things in my life ... and being grateful brought more things to be grateful for ... Gosh, it wasn't easy and it didn't all change overnight, but it DID change ... and it CAN change for you too if you let life take you to a happier place.
This journal is the story of just one road ... my road ... with a lot of wisdom from other people. Your road will be different, but some of the things I learned might help you too? You are welcomed to read any and all of it. Take the things that are helpful and don't worry about the rest. No one else can tell you what to feel. No one else can tell you how long it will take to heal. You are in charge of your own recovery. There were days when my faith was strong and other days when I needed the support of family and friends. There were people who encouraged me and I would consider it a privilege to encourage you.
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