(excerpts from Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie)
Feel Your Own Feelings
Sometimes we withdraw emotionally to avoid being crushed. Being emotionally vulnerable is dangerous. Hurt becomes piled upon hurt, and no one seems to care. We may withdraw emotionally from certain people ... people we think may hurt us.
Our feelings can trick us too. Our emotions can lead us into situations where our heads tell us not to go.
In spite of the darker side of emotions ... the painful ones, the ones that linger, and the tricky ones ... there is an even bleaker picture if we choose to become unemotional. Not feeling our feelings, withdrawing emotionally, and pushing that part of us away can be unpleasant, unhealthy and self-destructive. Repressing or denying feelings can lead to headaches, stomach disorders, backaches, and generally weakened physical conditions which can open the door to many illnesses. Repressing feelings ... particularly if we are doing it during the denial stage of the grief process ... can lead us into trouble with overeating, under-eating, alcohol and other drug use, compulsive sexual behaviors, compulsive spending, not sleeping enough, sleeping too much, obsessing, controlling gestures, and other compulsive behaviors.
Feelings are energy. Repressed feelings block our energy. We do not do our bestwhen we are blocked.
Another problem with repressed feelings is they don't go away. They linger, sometimes growing stronger and causing us to do many peculiar things. We have to stay one step ahead of the feeling, we have to stay busy, we have to do something. We don't dare get quiet and peaceful because we might feel these emotions. And the feeling might squeak out anyway, causing us to do something we never intended to do: scream at the kids, kick the cat, spill on our favorite dress, or cry at the party. We get stuck in feelings because we're trying to repress them, and like a persistent neighbor, they will not go away until we acknowledge their presence.
Anger
As co-dependents, we may be frightened by our anger and other people's anger. Maybe we believe one or more of the myths. Or maybe we're frightened anger for other reasons. Someone may have hit or abused us when he or she was angry. Sometimes the raw level of energy that accompanies someone's anger can be frightening, particularly if that person is drunk.
We react to anger, both ours and other people's. It is a provocative emotion. It can be contagious. And many of us have so much to react to. We have so much anger that accompanies grief. We have the anger that comes from the persecution phase of rescuing and care-taking. We have unreasonable anger feelings that may be unjustified and caused by reactive, disastrous thinking; the shoulds, awfuls, nevers and always. We have justified anger ... all the mad feelings anyone would feel if someone did that to him or her. We have the anger that covers up hurt and fear, Sad and scared feelings convert into anger that comes from feeling guilty. Guilt, both earned and unearned, easily converts into anger. Co-dependents have a lot of that too. Believe it or not, so do alcoholics. They're just more adept at converting it into anger.
And we have reactive anger. We get angry because the other person is angry. Then they get angrier, and we get angrier because they got angrier. Soon everybody's angry, and no one is sure why. But we're all mad ... and feeling guilty about it.
Sadly, many of us have had no place to go with all that anger. We swallow it, bite our tongues, stiffen our shoulders, push it into our stomachs, let it rattle around in our heads, run from it, medicate it, or give it a cookie. We blame ourselves, turn anger into depression, put ourselves to bed, hope to die, and get sick because of it. Finally we ask God to forgive us for being such horrible people for feeling anger in the first place. Many of us have a real dilemma with our anger, especially if we are living in a family system that says, "Don't feel; especially don't feel angry." The alcoholic certainly doesn't want to hear about how mad we feel. He or she probably thinks our anger is unreasonable anyway, and it may bother him or her when we discuss it. Our anger may push the alcoholic's guilt buttons. The alcoholic may even overpower us with his or her anger just to keep us feeling guilty and repressed.
So what do we do with all this pent up steam? The same thing we do with almost everything that has to do with us: we repress it and feel guilty about it. Repressed anger, like other repressed emotions, causes problems.
You cannot live with active alcoholism without being profoundly affected. Any human being who is bombarded with what you've been bombarded with is to be commended for sheer survival. You deserve a medal for the mere fact that you're around to tell the story!
Here are some suggestions for dealing with anger:
- Address any myths we have subscribed to about anger.
- Feel the emotion.
- Acknowledge the thoughts that accompany the feeling.
- Examine the thinking that goes with the feeling.
- Make a responsible decision about what, if any, action we need to take. Figure out what our anger is telling us. Is our anger indicating a problem in us or in our environment that needs attention? Sometimes while we're asking God to help us stop feeling angry, He's trying to tell us something. Do we need change? Do we need something from somebody else? Much anger comes from unmet needs. One quick way to resolve anger is to stop screaming at the person we're angry with, figure out what we need from that person, and ask him or her for that. If he or she won't or can't give it to us, figure out what we need to do next to take care of ourselves.
- Don't let anger control us. We don't have to react to anger, our's or anyone else's! Try it sometime.
- Openly and honestly discuss our anger, when it's appropriate. Don't even try to talk to a drunk when he is drunk. Anger frequently begets anger.
- Take responsibility for our anger. We are responsible for our angry feelings ... even if they are an appropriate reaction to someone else's inappropriate behavior.
- Talk to people we trust. It helps to talk about our feelings. It helps to accept ourselves. Remember, we can't move forward unless we accept where we are.
- Burn off the anger energy. Clean the kitchen. Play softball. Exercise. Go dancing. Shovel the snow. Rake the yard. Anger is extremely stressful, and it helps to physically discharge that energy.
- Don't beat ourselves or others for feeling angry. Don't let other people hit us or abuse us in any way when they feel angry.
- Write letters we don't intend to send. Once our anger is out on paper we can get past the guilt and figure out how to deal with it.
- Deal with guilt. Get rid of the unearned guilt. Get rid of it all. Guilt doesn't help. God will forgive us for anything we have done. Besides, I bet He doesn't think we've done as much wrong as we think we have.
Yes, You Can Think
The larger significant decisions we face, such as how to solve our problems, what to do with our lives, and who to live with, can overwhelm us. Many of us simply give up and refuse to think about these things. Some of us allow other people or circumstances to make these choices for us.
We may be living with people now who are telling us directly or indirectly that we can't think. Some of them may even be telling us we're crazy, but alcoholics do that to people they live with. Maybe we've started wondering if we're crazy! But don't believe any of it for one moment.
The following suggestions may help us gain confidence in our mental abilities:
- Treat our minds to some peace. Detach. Get calm.
- Ask God to help us think. He does help. But he expects me to try to do my part and think. Some days go better than others.
- Quit abusing our minds. Worry and obsession constitute mental abuse. Stop doing those things.
- Feed our minds. Give our minds information. Get the information we need about problems and decisions, whether that problem is overeating, alcoholism, relationships, or how to buy a computer. Give our minds reasonable data, then let them sort through things. We will come up with good answers and solutions.
- Feed our minds healthy thoughts. Indulge in activities that uplift our thoughts and give us a positive charge. Find something that leaves us saying "I can" instead of "I can't".
- Stretch our minds. Get interested in the world around us. Learn something new. Take a class.
- Quit saying bad things about our minds. It's just as easy to say good things about ourselves. We'll probably start believing the positive things and find out they're true. Isn't that exciting?
- Use our minds. Make decisions. Create!
Set Your Own Goals
There is magic in setting goals. Things happen. Things change. I accomplish important projects. I change. I meet new people. I find myself in interesting places. I make it through difficult times with a minimum of chaos. Problems get solved. My needs and wants get met. Dreams come true.
Goals give us direction and purpose. Goals are fun. They generate interest and enthusiasm in life. They make life interesting and, sometimes, exciting.
When you surrender to your goal, the goal works itself into your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind is always in balance. Your conscious mind is not, unless it is in tune with what your subconscious mind is thinking. Without full cooperation from the subconscious mind, a person is hesitant, confused, indecisive.
Some things that might help you set goals:
- Turn everything into a goal.
- Omit the "shoulds".
- Don't limit ourselves.
- Write our goals on paper.
- Commit our written goals to God.
- Let go.
- Do what we can, one day at a time.
- Set goals regularly and as needed.
- Check off the goals we reach. Our wants and needs will be met. When that happens, cross off that goal, congratulate ourselves, and thank God. We will gain confidence in ourselves, in goal setting, in God, and in the rhythm of life this way. We will see for ourselves that good things do happen to us.
- Be patient. Trust in God's timing.
Things happen when the time is right ... when we are ready, when God is ready, when the world is ready. Give up. Let go. But keep it on our list.
(to be continued ...)
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