(more excerpts from Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie)
Un-dependence
Whether co-dependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for.
This child in us believes we are unlovable and will never find the comfort we are seeking; sometimes this vulnerable child becomes too desperate. People have abandoned us, emotionally and physically. People have rejected us. People have believed us, let us down. People have never been there for us; they have not seen, heard or responded to our needs. We may come to believe that people will never be there for us. For many of us, even God seems to have gone away.
We have been there for so many people. Most of us desperately want someone to finally be there for us. We need someone, anyone, to rescue us from the stark loneliness, alienation, and pain. We want some of the good stuff, and the good stuff is not in us. Pain is in us. We feel so helpless and uncertain. Others look so powerful and assured. We conclude the magic must be in them.
So we become dependent on them. We can become dependent on lovers, spouses, friends, parents, or our children. We become dependent on their approval. We become dependent on their presence. We become dependent on their need for us. We become dependent on their love, even though we believe we will never receive their love; we believe we are unlovable and nobody hasever loved us in a way that met our needs.
Needing people too much can cause problems. Other people become the key to our happiness. I believe much of the other-centeredness, orbiting our lives around other people, goes hand in hand with co-dependency and springs out of our emotional insecurity. I believe much of this incessant approval seeking we indulge in also comes from insecurity. The magic is in others, not us, we believe. The good feelings are in them, not us. The less good stuff we find in ourselves, the more we seek it in others. They have it all; we have nothing. Our existence is not important. We have been abandoned and neglected so often that we also abandon ourselves.
Sometimes, no human being could be there for us in the way we need them to be - to absorb us, care for us, and make us feel good, complete and safe.
Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little. We may become dependent on troubled people - alcoholics and other people with problems. We can become dependent on people we don't particularly like or love. Sometimes, we need people so badly we settle for nearly anyone. We may need people who don't meet our needs.
We may find ourselves in situations where we need someone to be there for us, but the person we have chosen cannot or will not do that.
We may even convince ourselves that we can't live without someone and will wither and die if that person is not in our lives. If that person is an alcoholic or deeply troubled, we may tolerate abuse and insanity to keep him or her in our lives, to protect our source of emotional security. Our need becomes so great that we settle for too little. Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from our relationships.
Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinarily mortals do as a matter of course. What is so lovable? No response? The answer doesn't come, but the power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.
Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need, rather than love, can become self-destructive. They don't work. Too much need drives people away and smothers love. It scares people away. It attracts the wrong kind of people. And our real needs don't get met. Our real needs become greater and so does our despair. We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness. We forfeit our lives to do this. And we become angry at this person. We are being controlled by him or her. We are dependent on that person. We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person.
There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become un-dependent.
Here are some ideas that may help:
- Finish up business from our childhoods, as best we can. Grieve. Get some perspective. Figure out how events from our childhoods are effecting what we're doing now.
... Of course he had never been there for me. He was an alcoholic. We had never been there for anyone, including himself. I also began to realize that underneath my sophisticated veneer, I felt unlovable. Very unlovable. Some where, hidden inside of me, I had maintained a fantasy that I had a loving father who was staying away from me - who was rejecting me - because I wasn't good enough. There was something wrong with me. Now I knew the truth. It wasn't me that was unlovable. It wasn't me that was screwed up, although I know I've got problems. It was him.
- Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we at least expect it.
- Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
- We can learn to depend on ourselves. Maybe other people haven't been there for us, but we can start being there for us. We can trust ourselves. We can handle and cope with the events, problems, and feelings life throws our way. We can trust our feelings and our judgments. We can solve our problems. We can learn to live with unresolved problems, too. We must trust the people we are learning to depend upon - ourselves.
- We can depend on God, too. He's there, and He cares. Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security. I can find comfort and security in knowing that God is always watching over my life.
- Strive for un-dependence. Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.
We can do it. We don't have to feel strong all the time to be un-dependent and taking care of ourselves.
We can and probably will have feelings of fear, weakness, and even hopelessness. That is normal and even healthy. Real power comes from feeling our feelings, not from ignoring them. Real strength comes, not from pretending to be strong all the time, but from acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities when we feel this way.
Many of us have dark nights. Many of us have uncertainty, loneliness, and the pang of needs and wants that beg to be met and yet, go seemingly unnoticed. Sometimes the way is foggy and slippery, and we have no hope. All we can feel is fear. All we can see is the dark.
You can get through the dark situations, too. You can take care of yourself and trust yourself. Trust God. Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you'll be able to see farther. It's called one day at a time.
The Difference Between Love & Addiction
Love
Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Addiction
Dependent, based on security and comfort; use intensity of need and infatuation as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness).
Love
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Addiction
Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
Love
Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in their own worth.
Addiction
Preoccupation with other's behavior; dependent on other's approval for own identity and self worth.
Love
Trust; Openness.
Addiction
Jealousy, possessiveness, fears, competition.
Love
Mutual integrity preserved.
Addiction
One partner's needs suspended for the other's; self-deprivation.
Love
Willingness to risk and be real.
Addiction
Search for perfect invulnerability - eliminates possible risks.
Love
Room for exploration of feelings in and of relationship.
Addiction
Reassurance through repeated, ritualized activity.
Love
Ability to enjoy being alone.
Addiction
Intolerance - unable to endure separations (even in conflict); hang on even tighter. Undergo withdrawal - loss of appetite, restless, lethargic, disoriented agony.
Breakups:
Love
Accept breakup without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self worth.
Addiction
Feel inadequate, worthless; often one-sided decision.
Love
Wants best for partner, though apart; can become friends.
Addiction
Violent ending - often hate the other; try to inflict pain; manipulation to get the other back.
One-Sided Addiction
Denial, fantasy; overestimation of other's commitment. Seeks solutions outside self - drugs, alcohol, new lover, change of situation.
Live Your Own Life
We may be in so much emotional distress we think we have no life; all we are is or pain. That's not true. We are more than our problems. We can be more than our problems.
Just because life has been this painful so far doesn't mean it has to keep hurting. Life doesn't have to hurt so much, and it won't - if we begin to change. It may not be all roses from here on out, but it doesn't have to be all thorns either. We need to and can develop our own lives.
We take into account our responsibilities to other people, because that is what responsible people do.
But we also know we count.
We try to eliminate "shoulds" from our decisions and learn to trust ourselves.
If we listen to ourselves and our higher power, we will not be misled.
Giving ourselves what we need and learning to live self-directed lives requires faith.
We need enough faith to get on with our lives, and we need to do at least a little something each day to begin to move forward.
We can learn to trust ourselves again. Most co-dependents have been "taking care" of everyone in their world for a long time. Stop. Let everyone fend for themselves for a little bit and direct all that energy toward taking care of you. It might feel a little awkward at first, but I promise it's worth it!
I wish all of you could share the view I have now. I love seeing women (and men, because men can be co-dependent too) discover how much they really have learned and how capable they really are. It is truly beautiful to see people turn their energy inward, learning to take better care of themselves, trying out new boundaries for themselves and others, getting back in touch with themselves and their true feelings ...
Does that sound like a tall order? Does that sound like an impossible dream? It's not! None of us changed ourselves and the way we lived all at once. We recovered, one day at a time, one lesson at a time, one step at a time ...
Think of all that energy you have spent on helping/changing/fixing everyone else and imagine what would happen if you changed one thing about yourself every day or even every other day for the next year ... How much better do you think you would feel a year from now? Think abouthow good it would feel to feel better than you feel right now.
We'll talk more about what you can do to get there tomorrow.
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