I wrote some of this at the very beginning of my recovery, when I was looking for almost any excuse to "make peace" with my abuser. The only reason I am sharing it with you now is because I know as sure as I am sitting here that if you have left your partner in the past year, you are going through major withdrawal! You don't understand why your feelings are so strong. Your world is spinning and you haven't found your balance yet. If there is such a thing as "normal" during a time like this, Most of the things you are feelings are typical. See if you see yourself in what I was feeling ...
I wish there could be a way to make peace with all of this. I understand that you have to have respect for the laws that say that perpetrators and victims should not talk but what about God's law? The one that says if you have something against another, that you go to them ... I don't see anything that says I am exempt if they are a jerk.
Why was I even wishing for some sort of resolution?
Addictive Thinking!
It seems like I am treading on dangerous ground here. I don't want to encourage anyone, even me, to try to "make friends with the devil", but doesn't evil win when we don't talk? Isn't it wisdom to try to find the truth somewhere between us and them? The law divides their story and our story and splits it somewhere down the middle. Maybe, that's fair?
Why was I willing to let him off the hook?
Addictive Thinking!
I don't know. I can't get my head around some things. I don't understand people who intentionally hurt. I don't set out to hurt people, and I am sorry when I learn that I have, but some people don't care if they hurt others! I do want to believe that there is good in everybody. I do wish, against all odds, that there could be some resolution to such a hateful situation.
Why couldn't I just face the fact that there are bad people in this world? Period.
Addictive Thinking!
I still avoid going places because I don't want to run into him or any of his friends. People say I shouldn't worry about these things ... that he isn't worth it. I only have one answer. He was worth it to me. I still don't know why he hurt me. I am doing everything I can to get over what happened. I wish I could really talk to him. I wish he was capable of seeing things from my point of view. I wish with all my heart that he would just say he's sorry. Everyone says he isn't sorry. Everyone says that he has SO MUCH hurt that he likes hurting other people ... even me ... maybe, especially me. If it's true ... that he delights in my pain, he better throw a party and invite all his friends! He brought me to a whole new level of PAIN! I'm hurting for me. I'm hurting for him. Maybe, that will change someday?
There I was, still hoping against hope for some kind of fairy tale ending!
THERE WERE TOO MANY OBSESSIVE, CO-DEPENDENT, ROSE-COLORED THOUGHTS TO LIST. ANYONE OF THEM COULD HAVE SENT ME DOWN THE WRONG ROAD THEN, AND THOUGHTS LIKE THOSE COULD SEND YOU DOWN THE WRONG ROAD NOW!
Lots of Addictive Thinking!
It was probably good for me to get those feelings out, but it was also dangerously close to the same thing that a drug addict does when they talk about their first high! It isn't anything but:
Addictive Thinking!
Just like an addict, I was looking for a "fix", or maybe, it's more correct to say, "a way to fix everything"!
Eventually, the addictive thoughts began to be replaced by more healthier thoughts. As I let go of the addictive thinking, I found acceptance that things just are the way they are.
I was hurting when I met Aydan. Aydan was hurting when he met me. I saw the person I wanted him to be. He was not that man. He saw the person he wanted me to be. I was not that woman. Why didn't Aydan and I ride off into the sunset? We couldn't! The whole thing was a BIG FAT LIE!
Aydan had so much anger and a need to release his anger, I had an equal need to try to convert his anger, his crimes, his punishment into the love and acceptance I wanted so badly. That's what being co-dependent is all about. Co-dependents learn early to live the lie that if we just be a little better, if we just try a little harder, then everything will be okay and we will get the love we are missing. Some of us waste whole lifetimes trying to be good enough for someone to love us. We are drawn to people who share a different side of the same "dream". Both the one who punishes and the one who is punished are drenched in fear and anger. Fear and anger come from a different place than love.
I took his abuse for a long time. He called me names and criticized me constantly. I hated it when he pushed me or slapped me but I would find a way to make his bad behavior tolerable because I was "hooked" on the flattery and the "joint worship services" we held for each other in between his temper tantrums.
Then, Aydan tried to win an argument with a shotgun! From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I believed that my life was being threatened. Something inside me snapped.
Guns are NOT negotiable!
Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself ... the lie that his past was stopping him from having the kind of life everyone else has ... the lie that I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... All those lies are nothing but ...
Addictive Thinking!
I woke up! It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time. Of course, I saw his anger. It was all over the place!
BUT look what it took to wake me up!
He projected his fear on me and I projected my fear on him. When two people exchange fear, they create even more pain and suffering. They exchange horrible words and terrible memories. I had never experienced, to that degree, what fear can do. I saw how fear had twisted Aydan in slow motion clarity. I felt how fear was twisting me.
I was determined to fight back because no matter how bad things had gotten, I had survived. I was alive! I had lived through the worst day of my life. After all that, I couldn't go anywhere but up!
This experience changed the way I look at myself and when our view of our SELF changes, everything changes!
I took ownership of my path and realized that all I have is my path. We are all on a journey. Some days are exciting and some days are quite dull, but every day is ripe with opportunities. My journey is beautiful and tailored just for me. Your journey is beautiful and tailored just for you.
Of course, I am sorry forthe nonsense that took place between Aydan and me. I accept responsibility for my part in the nonsense. I forgive myself as well as Aydan because that is the only way I can truly be free.
Of course, I wanted Aydan to say he was sorry for what he did to me, but guys like that NEVER admit they are wrong! That was "the hook" or the "addiction" in the first place. There was a little girl inside me that wanted someone to make up for all the hurt I felt as a little girl. When I met Aydan, I met someone who was completely incapable of loving that way. His rejection and abuse tapped into that ancient hurt and I was "hooked" in the old way, thinking that if I did just a little more and said just a little more and gave a little more, that he would care about me ... Aydan didn't want to take care of MY needs! I was only valuable to him as long as I took care of HIS needs. The minute I showed any need at all, I diminished in value to him. My hoping for an apology just gave him another chance ... another way to hurt me again!
Addictive Thinking!
This is what ADDICTION looks like ... but ... This is what RECOVERY looks like too! Addiction only feels like REAL LOVE because it's the closest we have ever been to those feelings! But Addiction is NOT LOVE. Addiction takes away from our lives. LOVE adds to our lives. What makes that relationship "addictive" is that it taps into the same part of us that would be addicted to other things. That needy, dark place that doesn't feel complete without another drink, another fix, another hug, another piece of chocolate ... whatever addicted fix you crave and whatever addiction you are recovering from, this is part of it.
Getting over addiction of any kind is not easy. We are like any other addict. We don't want to give up what we've got or what we think we have got. We deny the negative effects of our addiction on our lives and the lives of our families. We minimize and justify our wacky ideas about TRUE LOVE, but deep down, we know we are missing the boat. We think we are fooling everyone else but we never really fool ourselves. Do we?
In the beginning of recovery, I thought about Aydan and the things he said and the things he did constantly. I kept running over the relationship in my mind, looking for clues about why things got so bad. I made myself miserable contemplating questions that had no answers!
I asked my therapist, "I hear what you are telling me about the difference between addiction and love, but if this isn't real love, why does it hurt so much?"
He just smiled and said,
Addiction is REAL! It does HURT! It hurts to be an addict and it hurts to stop being an addict ... but it's worth it.
He was right. It was worth it.
Healing doesn't happen in a straight line. In fact, the deepest healing looks more like a heart rate chart than a flat line! I love those moments of accomplishment, but I welcome the lows too because they are part of the process.
There will be cold, dark places as well as warm, light ones. There will be times when you are feeling low because there will be times when you feel really up too. There will be foggy times. There will be rainy times. There will be pitch black, cold nights as well as perfect, sunshiny days. It is the natural rhythm of things.
You don't have to fear one moment. You can embrace and welcome each moment and every mood. There is beauty in it all.
When it's cold and dark outside, a fireplace or a candle seems that much warmer. When there is no moon, the stars seem brighter. It has to rain somewhere before you can see a rainbow! You need the hot, summer heat to truly be quenched by ice cold lemonade.
I was an addict. You may be an addict too? We have a way of looking at things that really doesn't work that well for us or we never would have ended up in those hurting places!
I had to make changes in the way I look at myself and the rest of the world to survive. I lost some of the innocence ... I couldn't keep the idea that there is good in EVERYBODY because that's just not true. I couldn't keep the idea that if I tried a little harder and worked a little more, everything would magically turn out okay, because sometimes, in spite of our very best efforts, things don't turn out okay. It hurt to give up that idealistic view of the world, but the seasoned view I have now is not so bad.
I don't have to shut my eyes and hide from the dark! Sometimes, holding our head up and facing the thing we fear allows us to see through the dark. Our eyes readjust. We don't hide like little kids under the pillow, hoping for it to all go away! We are the grown-ups, walking to the door and looking into the night and searching for answers. The answers always come riding up. Some answers are immediate. I have watched some answers come to me from great distances ...Instead of cowering in a warm corner somewhere, I watched with excitement and growing awareness that HELP was just around the corner! Watching life unfold instead of hiding from it is the GREATEST MAGIC of all!!!
So, wherever you are, whatever you do, trust that no matter how it "feels" at the time, you are still moving forward ... toward a better place. Don't let yourself give up on you.
You are witness to a miracle, and the miracle is YOU!
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