(excerpt from Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie)
Learning To Live And Love Again
The two deepest desires most people have are: to love and be loved, and to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also. I have also heard this phrased more simply, with one item added: To be happy we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.
For many of us, that means we have to learn to do things differently, because the ways we have gone about getting our needs met haven't worked. We've talked about some concepts that will help us do that: detachment, a non-rescuing approach to people, not controlling the object of our attention, directness, paying attention to ourselves, working a twelve-step program, and becoming un-dependent. I believe as we get healthier, love will be different. I believe love will be better, perhaps better than ever before, if we let it and if we insist on it.
I don't think love has to hurt as much as it did in the past. I don't think we have to allow love to hurt us as much as it has. We certainly don't have to let it destroy us. As one woman put it, "I am sick of letting men work out their unfinished business in my life!" It's not God's will that we stay miserable and stay in miserable relationships. That's something we are doing to ourselves. We don't have to stay in relationships that cause pain and misery. We are free to take care of ourselves. We can learn to leave destructive relationships and enjoy the good ones.
I believe God allows certain people to come into our lives. But I also believe we are responsible for our choices and behaviors in initiating, maintaining, and discontinuing these relationships when appropriate.
If we believe we are important, we are free to set our own goals and reach for our dreams.
The good things probably won't happen without some struggle and pain, but at least we will be struggling and stretching for something worthwhile, instead of simply suffering.
It's okay to succeed, to have good things, and to have loving relationships that work. These things may not come easily or naturally. That's okay. That's how growth feels. If it feels too comfortable, too natural, or too easy, we're not growing and we're not doing anything different.
Much of recovery is finding and maintaining balance in all areas of our lives. We need to balance giving and receiving; we need to find a balance between solving problems and learning to live with unsolved problems. Much of our anguish comes from having to live with grief of unsolved problems, and having things not go the way we hoped and expected.
Getting Started
It's called HOW: Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try. Get honest, keep an open mind, and become willing to try to do things differently, and we will change.
Growing Forward
Some of us may be facing tough decisions, decisions about ending relationships that are miserable and destructive. If the relationship is dead, bury it. We can take our time, work on ourselves, and we will be able to make the right decision when the time is right.
Some of us may try to repair damaged but still alive relationships. Be patient. Love and trust are fragile, living entities. They do not automatically regenerate upon command if they have been bruised. Love and trust do not automatically reappear. Love and trust must be allowed to heal in their own time. Sometimes they heal; sometimes they don't.
Find friends to love, be loved by, and who think we are worthwhile. Use our time alone as a breather. Let go. Learn lessons we are to be learning. Grow. Develop. Work on ourselves, so when love comes along, it enhances a full and interesting life. Strive toward goals. Have fun. Trust God and his timing.
Whatever our situation, we can go slowly. Our hearts may lead us where our heads say we shouldn't go. Our heads may insist we go where our hearts don't want to follow. Sometimes our attraction to frogs may take us where neither our hearts nor heads choose to be. That's okay. There are no rules about whom we should or shouldn't love and relate to. We can love whomever we love, however we want to. But slow down and take time to do it in a way that doesn't hurt us. Love from our strengths, not from our weaknesses. I hope we will find people we will enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving us and challenge us to grow.
All the old crazy feelings will come rushing in. Don't be frightened. This is normal. See it through. Don't be ashamed and don't hide. We can pick ourselves up again. We will get through it. Talk to trusted friends; be patient and gentle with ourselves. Just keep doing the things we know we need to do. It will get better. Don't stop taking care of us no matter what happens.
Co-Dependent No More
by Melody Beattie
Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about. If that sounds like a big order, don't worry. We can do it. We can learn to live again. We can learn to love again. We can even learn to have fun at the same time!
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