(excerpt from Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie)
Communication
Co-dependents are indirect. We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. I believe most of us are afraid to tell people who we are because we don't believe it is okay to be who we are. Many of us don't like and don't trust ourselves. We don't trust our thoughts. We don't trust our feelings. We may feel ashamed for having our problems.
Talking clearly and openly is not difficult. In fact, it's easy. And fun. Start by knowing that who we are is okay. Our feelings and thoughts are okay. Our opinions count. It's okay to talk about our problems. And it's okay to say no.
Say what we mean and mean what we say. If we don't know what we mean, be quiet and think about it. If our answer is, "I don't know." say "I don't know." Learn to be concise.
- Express our feelings.
- We can say what we think.
- We can even be wrong.
- We can say what we expect.
- We can express our wants and needs.
- We can tell the truth.
- We don't have to be controlled by what other people say.
- We can learn to ignore nonsense.
- We can be assertive and stand up for ourselves.
- We can show compassion and concern without rescuing.
- We can discuss our feelings and problems without expecting people to rescue us too.
Learn to listen to what people are saying and not saying. Talking is a tool and a delight. We need to take responsibility for communication. In love and dignity, speak the truth ... as we think, feel, and know it ... and it shall set us free.
Work A Twelve-Step Program
- We admitted we were powerless ... that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
One nice thing about meetings is that people can be who they are. They don't have to pretend they don't have a particular problem, because everybody there has the same problem. If they didn't have that problem, they wouldn't be there.
Something happens when we go to these meetings and work a program. A peace and a healing sets in. We start to change and feel better. The steps are something we work on, but they also work on us. There is magic at these meetings.
We never have to do anything we are not able to do, truly find offensive, or don't want to do. When it is time to do or change a certain thing, we will know it is time and we will want to do it. There will be a rightness and an appropriateness to it. Our lives begin to work this way, too. Healing ... growth ... becomes a natural process. The Twelve Steps are a formula for man's natural healing process.
Some of us may be embarrassed to go. All I could do at the first meetings I attended was sit and cry, and I felt terribly awkward. But for once, it was a good cry. My tears were tears of healing. I needed to sit and cry. When I stopped crying and looked around, I saw other people crying too.
Our co-dependent characteristics become habits and may be tendencies we lean toward for the rest of our lives. Go whether the other people in your life are better or sicker. Go until you feel grateful that you can go. Go until the magic works on you. And don't worry ... if you go long enough, the magic will work.
A Few More Things We Need To Talk About ...
Expectations
See if they're realistic. For example, expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people is futile; expecting different results from the same behaviors, according to Ernie Larson, is insane. Then, let go. See how things turn out. Let things happen - without forcing. If we are constantly disappointed, we may have a problem to solve - either with ourselves, another person, or a situation.
We have a right to expect good things and appropriate behavior.
Fear of Intimacy
For many of us, it feels safer to be alone or in relationships where we are "unemotionally involved" than it does to be emotionally vulnerable, close, and loving. We don't risk people abandoning us; we don't risk. And we don't have to go through the awkwardness of initiating relationships. When we don't get close to people, at least we know what to expect: nothing. Denial of love feelings protects us from the anxiety caused by loving.
Love and closeness challenge our deepest fears about who we are and whether it is okay to be ourselves, and about who others are and whether that is okay. Love and closeness - involvement with people are the greatest risks a man or woman can take. They require honesty, spontaneity, vulnerability, trust,responsibility, self acceptance, and acceptance of others. Love brings joy and warmth, but it also requires us to be willing to occasionally feel hurt and rejection.
Many of us have learned to run from closeness, rather than take the risks involved. We run from love and prevent closeness in many ways. We push people away or do hurtful things to them so they won't want to be close to us. We do ridiculous things in our minds to talk ourselves out of wanting to be close. We find fault with everyone we meet; we reject people before they have a chance to reject us. We wear masks and pretend to be something other than who we are. We scatter our energies and emotions among so many relationships that we don't get too close or vulnerable to anyone.
Forgiveness
Compulsive disorders such as alcoholism twist and distort many good things, including the great principle of forgiveness. We repeatedly forgive the same people. We hear promises, we believe lies, and we try to forgive some more. Some of us may not want to, because to forgive would leave us vulnerable to further hurt and we believe we cannot endure more pain. Forgiveness turns on us and becomes a painful experience.
Forgiveness can be wonderful.
It wipes the slate clean. It clears up guilt.
It brings peace and harmony.
We cannot forgive someone for doing something if we have not fully accepted what this person has done ... Forgiveness comes in time ... in its own time ... if we are striving to take care of ourselves. Don't let other people use this principle against us. Don't let other people help us feel guilty because they think we should forgive someone, and we are either not ready or believe forgiveness is not the appropriate solution. Take responsibility for forgiveness. If we are taking care of us, we will understand what to forgive and when it's time to do that.
While we are at it, don't forget to forgive ourselves!
The Frog Syndrome
"Did you hear about the woman who kissed a frog? She was hoping it would turn into a prince. It didn't. She turned into a frog too."
Many co-dependents like to kiss frogs. We see so much good in them. Some of us even become chronically attracted to frogs after kissing enough of them. Alcoholics and people with other compulsive disorders are attractive people. They radiate power, energy, and charm. They promise the world. Never mind that they deliver pain, suffering, and anguish. The words they say sound so good ...
Fun
We can schedule fun into our routine. We can learn to recognize when we need to play and what kinds of things we enjoy doing. Start doing things just for ourselves, just because we want to.
Let go and enjoy life.
People may get angry at us for setting boundaries; they can't use us anymore. But boundaries are worth every bit of time, energy, and thought required to set and enforce them. Ultimately, they will provide us with more time and energy. What are out limits?
What boundaries do we need to establish?
Physical Care
Don't abandon the importance of exercise.
Taking care of ourselves means taking care of our bodies and grooming. Make both a daily practice.
Taking care of our emotional selves is also connected to our bodies. The more we take care of our emotional selves ... the more we get our needs met ... the less we find ourselves sick. If we refuse long enough to take care of ourselves, our bodies will rebel and become sick, forcing us and the people around us to give us the care-taking we need. It's easier to take care of ourselves before we get sick.
Professional Help
- We are depressed and thinking about suicide.
- We want to do an intervention and confront an alcoholic or other troubled person.
- We have been the victim of physical or sexual abuse.
- We are experiencing problems with alcohol or other drugs.
- We can't seem to solve our problems or get "unstuck" by ourselves.
- For any other reason, we believe we might benefit from professional help.
Most of us need people. Most of us have at least a few relationships. We can say honest, tender, appreciative things, and they can say those things back to us. The idea is to strive for good relationships. If we don't have people to be honest, tender, loving, and appreciative with, find some.
Strive for good physical treatment too. We don't ever have to let people hit us.
Co-dependents also frequently have difficulties accepting compliments ... positive strokes. We can stop fighting the fact that we are good people with good qualities. If someone tells us something good about ourselves, we can accept it unless instinct tells us the person has ulterior motives. Even if he or she is trying to manipulate us, take the compliment and refuse to be manipulated. Let it go all the way down to the heart. We deserve compliments. We need them. We all need them. They help us believe what we are working so hard to believe ... we are good people. The beauty of compliments is, the more good things we believe about ourselves, the better we get.
We can pass out compliments and spread positive energy. We can share what we like about people and say what we appreciate in them. Make it honest, but make it good.
We can learn to recognize when we need to give a stroke. Learn to recognize when we need to be around people and get some strokes. Real love says, "You're having problems. I care, and I'll listen, but I won't and can't do it for you." Real friendship says, "I think so highly of you that I'll let you figure out how to do it for yourself. I know you can."
Trust
Co-dependents frequently aren't certain whom or when to trust. We can trust ourselves. We can trust ourselves to make good decisions about whom we trust. Many of us have been making inappropriate decisions about trust. But we can trust people to be who they are. We can learn to see people clearly. Is what they say the same as what they do?
If we pay attention to ourselves and the messages we receive from the world, we will know whom to trust, when to trust, and why to trust a particular person. We may discover we've always known whom to trust ... we just weren't listening to ourselves.
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