Life can turn on a dime, and when it does, we might have to rethink our own position on the direction we are going.
A few weeks ago, I said the best support anyone can give is to ask you what YOU want. We have talked about my decisions throughout this journal. We have talked about options. I know we have talked about this a dozen different ways but ...
What Do YOU Really Want?
Give yourself all the time you need to answer that question, because no one can "reason their way out of this place"!!! We can read. We can talk to our closest friends. We can go for long walks. We can pray. All of that helps, but in the end, our hearts decide.
I can't and won't tell you what to do. You can decide what's best for you.
I decided that I liked myself too much to let anyone abuse me anymore.
I decided that being alone was better than being with someone who made my head swim with all his demands.
I decided that being alone was better than being with someone who made my stomach churn every time he hollered at me or called me names.
I decided that being alone was better than walking on eggshells, waiting for the next shoe to drop, and defending my every action and thought ...
I decided to live for me instead of for him.
The physical abuse wasn't as bad as the emotional abuse. He was killing my spirit and breaking my heart with every mean word and ugly name! I put up with a lot of pushing, shoving, belittling and name calling before he ever carried that gun in the room. I always hoped things would get better but they never did. Most things in a relationship are negotiable, but the gun was not.
Haven't you put up with things too?
Maybe, he drinks too much?
Maybe, he gets crabby when he's hungry or tired or frustrated ...
Maybe, you don't mind it when he takes it out on you? Maybe, he eats with his mouth open, smacking his lips and biting his fork the whole time he's criticizing your table manners?
Maybe he dresses like a bum and criticizes the clothes you wear?
Maybe, he tries to keep you away from your friends and family?
Maybe, he makes fun of you in front of other people?
Maybe, you think he needs you and you are the only one that really understands him?
Maybe, you are afraid of hurting him like everyone else has?
Maybe, there was a reason all those others hurt him!
Maybe, he deserved what he got?
Is he a Jerk most of the time?
I don't know what your answers are. I do know that while you and I spend all this time worrying about them, the abusers are certainly NOT thinking about us!
I struggled with my own answers until Aydan went too far ... I had no choice. It wasn't what my heart wanted to do, but I had to turn away. It was too dangerous to stay.
Know what happened when I got away from all that?
My head hardly ever hurt anymore! My stomach only churns when I'm really hungry. My friends say I seem so relaxed. I became more patient with other people because I wasn't wasting all my energy on him! I found myself smiling and singing with the radio more.
My energy came back! I felt like me before there ever was a him ... but this ME is older and wiser ... a new and improved version!
I saw couples walking together and I noticed how some older men care for their wives. I saw men bringing their wives coffee and holding their hands and touching their shoulders when they leaned in to say something ... I watched them dance like people do when they have danced together for a very long time. I thought about what kind of man I wanted to wake up with and what kind of man I wanted to share coffee with and what kind of man I wanted to share new things with. I wanted him to be gentle. I wanted him to smile easily. I wanted him to tell me what he really wants and I wanted to feel free to say what I really want and then we would do those things for each other.
That's not a pipe dream! There are good men out there. There are men who would be thrilled to have a woman like you! There are men who have chosen to stay by themselves until someone just like you comes along, but you can't be that woman until you let go of the past ... the past that hurt you and the people who need to stay in the past ... Let them go! Walk away. Just walk away. You are already moving closer to your dream. He could be in the next coffee shop, on the next bus, in the next book store, sitting across from you in church. He could already be in your life, pretending to be just your friend while you get over that loser!
Yes, I said it! That mean guy is a LOSER. Your mean guy lost you, right? He lost everyone else. He's going to lose the next one too, unless he changes and that isn't likely. Abusers, by their very nature, hardly ever change because they don't think there's anything wrong with them!
You know I'm telling the truth!
When your guy fights, who apologizes? You, right?
How often has he ever said he was wrong? He can't! He isn't capable of it! Maybe, that's okay with you ... Maybe, you are willing to sacrifice your own sanity and happiness to try to make him happy? You aren't the first person to do that. There aren't any statues erected to women like that and there aren't any books about those kind of relationships because who would want to buy them?
I'm going to be the hero in my story! I found my happy ending! You can too!
I'd gladly lay down my life for a friend but guys like Aydan are not our friends! They are not even NICE GUYS even though they say they are! They don't even think they are abusers because they can always point to someone who is much worse!
No one can tell you what to do. There was a time, I wouldn't have listened to anybody either, but I heard the truth in other people's stories. I noticed how other people interacted with each other. I really knew things weren't right. You are reading my story and some of it sounds familiar. You might think your man wouldn't ever threaten you with a gun ... I never would have thought Aydan would do that either! It shocked me when he did, although now, after years of recovery, I am more surprised that I didn't see it coming!
Looking back, there were odd comments and unusual actions that lead up to the last episode, but I did what you might be doing right now. I might have ignored a comment I didn't understand. I might have made an excuse for his bad mood. I might have even taken the blame for one of his temper tantrums, thinking it was my fault for making him mad. None of us ever wants to think the worst of someone we care about. We want to give them every opportunity to redeem themselves, even if they never really do.
Abusive people just get more abusive because it's all they know. The sad thing is they aren't even mad at us. They feel cornered, trapped in their own rage. They are anxious about their own inadequacies and taking their anxiety out on us. We don't deserve that! I don't care what you have done or what kind of life you have lived. None of us deserves to stand in for all the hurts and disappointments in someone else's life!
We all deserve healing.
Do you know who has the power to heal you?
YOU!
Do you know who has the power to heal him?
HIM!
You can't "save" anyone else, and no one else can "save" you! It's a personal path. It's one that each of us has to take. God can heal you, but you have to be willing. You have to make the effort to see your own weakness and ask for help, and then, trust Him to heal you ... deeper than any self-help book or hour long talk show ... deeper than the hurt goes ... deeper than anything has ever reached.
I don't have all the answers ... not even close, but I am closer to asking the right questions and now, I'm asking you...
What Do YOU Really Want?
Make a decision. Make a choice. Stick with it. Trust that every thing will work out. Let your heart be transformed. As you are transformed, every thing in your life will change too! You can find peace and a place that feels safe for you! I will celebrate with you ... because you will have done the work and taken the steps to change your life for the better. You will have created a new life for you and your children ... a life without abuse. You will finally be FREE ... but until that day ... as always ...
Take Care Of YOU!
HEY THERE
Rosemary Clooney
Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes
Love never made a fool of you,
Hey there,
You on that high-flyin' cloud
Though he won't throw a crumb to you,
Him with his nose in the air.
He has you dancin' on a string,
Break it and he won't care!
Won't you take this advice I hand you like a mother
Or are you not seein' things too clear?
Are you too much in love to hear?
Is it all goin' in one ear and out the other?
Hey there, you with the stars in your eyes
[Are you talking to me?]
Love never made a fool of you
[Not until now]
You used to be too wise
[Yes, I was once]
Will you take this advice I hand you like a mother?
Or am I not seein' things too clear?
Are you just too far gone to hear?
Is it all goin' in one ear and out the other?
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