Getting The Support You Need ...

Who do you talk to?  That's not always an easy choice.  Your dearest friends and your closest relatives might not understand.  They might be in denial about their own relationships.  They might like pretending such things don't happen.  It's okay.  You might have felt that way yourself once!  But now, you don't have a choice!  You're here and an important part of your recovery is talking about what happened with you and not having to worry about offending anyone while you talk.  

I chose my people carefully.  Most people won't know what to say.  They will want to help you.  It's okay to let them know ahead of time that you don't expect them to come up with any answers ... that it would help you if they would listen so you could get some things off your chest.  This article helps other people understand where you're at ... cause you know and I know that in the beginning, we aren't really sure ourselves where we are at!  

 

How Can I Help My Daughter, Sister, Or Friend Who Is Being Abused?  

THE ABUSER:   Pressures her severely.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Be patient.  Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation.  

THE ABUSER:   Talks down to her.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Address her as an equal.  If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him.  Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.  

THE ABUSER:   Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Treat her as the expert on her own life.  Don't assume that you know what she needs to do.  

THE ABUSER:   Dominates conversations.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Listen more and talk less.  The temptation may be great to convince her what a "jerk" he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book.  But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her.  If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.  

THE ABUSER:   Believes he has the right to control her life.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Respect her right to self-determination.  She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after separation.  You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you.  Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.  

THE ABUSER:   Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Assume that she is a competent, caring mother.  Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman.  Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes, abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before.  You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.  

THE ABUSER:   Think FOR her.
SO YOU SHOULD:   Think with her.  Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer.  Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.  

Notice that BEING the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean SAYING the opposite of what he says.  If he beseeches her with, "Don't leave me, Don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering her with "Leave him, Leave him,: she will feel that you're much like him, you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do.  Neither of you is asking the empowering question,  

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)

You can choose your friends and family carefully, tell them what happened and ask them for their support.  Truthfully. most people don't know HOW to help or WHAT TO DO but they do love you and they do care.  Make it easy for them and you by sharing this article with them.  This is what other women said helped them.  We are all figuring this out at the same time ... but is a pretty good guide.
 

Be there!
Be persistent in showing you love and care.
BE careful with your opinions.
Please don't give up on me!

Offering Your Help ~ Acknowledge my situation:

• Do this very gently.  If I am unwilling to acknowledge the abuse, please don't press the issue.

• Do it very carefully.  Not only am I afraid; I am in danger.  If my abuser finds out I spoke with you, he will take it out on me.

• No matter how I respond to your overture, assure me that your interest is in my safety and welfare and that anything I tell you will be held in confidence.

• Remind me know that whenever I want, I can look at material you have about abusive relationships.  It would help if I could use your computer to look things up.  He can't track me on your computer.

• Please Support Me.

• When I run myself down, point out my strengths.  Your encouragement is a lifeline to me!

• If I need to talk without coming to resolution, let me.  I'm trying to figure things out and it helps when I can talk to someone who won't judge me.

• When I'm ready to make a move, help me determine what I will need, offer to keep a suitcase, money, and important papers, be a point of contact for me if I am in hiding.

• Watch the children when I have important appointments or just to give me a break, if you can.

• Believe in me.  Expect that there will be set-backs and changes of heart.  Let me know that leaving is a process and that you know I can and will make necessary changes in my life.  Know that I am doing the best that I can.

• Acknowledge the reality of the losses that I face.

• Take care of yourself.

• There is a risk that your relationship with (me) the victim could become so dependent that you feel overwhelmed.  It's okay to refer me to a resource that will share the burden.

• Don't do anything that puts you at risk from the abuser.  If it is safe, continue whatever quality of relationship we had before you became aware of the abuse.  I will understand.

• Don't intervene physically; don't ever threaten him.

• If he makes threats, take out aprotective order against him and report any and allviolations.  I want YOU to be safe as much as you want me to be safe.
  
  (Middle Way House, P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN  47402   812-336-0846)
  

Physicists tell us that once an atom has touched another atom, there is a relationship between the two atoms that endures forever, no matter how far they are from each other ... Once made, a relationship always exists.  It seems that in human relationships, that principle exists as well.  Once a person has been a part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact.  In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact.  Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.

If the relationship was toxic, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you.  You do not need to be in contact with the person to change the nature of the relationship.  You can change how you perceive it.  You can change how it impacts you.  This is true of all human systems - intact or not.

(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)

It was very rough for me at the beginning.  I was in shock, denial, grieving, angry, profoundly sad, anxious, afraid, hopeful ... and sometimes, it seemed like I felt all that at the same time!  There's no easy way through all the emotions.  When we are hurt, there are people around us who are hurt too.  Seeing the hurt in my children's faces ... realizing that I had to protect myself and them ... is the thing that started me on my recovery.  It wasn't easy to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did!  My resolve and self esteem grew as time went by, but I never could have done it alone. I thank God for myfriends and family.  They were really here for me.  Are you wishing you had more support?  Maybe, you just have to ask the people that love you for what you need?

The best kind of friend
     Is the kind you can sit on a porch
          And swing with,
Never say a word ...
               And then walk away feeling like
     It was the best conversation you've ever had ...
               Because ...
          Sometimes ... There are no words ...

  

Tags: Getting Support, Asking For Support, How to Support Victim, Abuse, Recovery, Healing

Filling Up The Spaces

 

I have been meaning to mention something.  When your heart is healing and you are recovering from the devastating effects of abuse, you are tempted to do 100 things at once ... Some of them are GOOD for you and some of them are a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

WASTE OF TIME THINGS ARE ... 

... trying to "reason with your bad guy" ... Why bother?  He wasn't honest and caring when he "loved" you.  Do you really think he cares what you think or feel now that you are out from under his control?  How can you appeal to his conscience if he doesn't have one?

... trying to call him or see him.  Calling him won't get you any answers.  He isn't going to be kind!  In my case, "my bad guy" still has a house full of guns!  I was never tempted to go anywhere near his house!  He threatened me with a gun.  I was lucky to ESCAPE ... I had no intention of tempting fate twice!  Besides that ... what would I learn?  If I had driven by his house and he was home ... What does that mean?  If I had driven by his house and he was gone, what does that mean?  If he has a visiting car in the driveway, what does that mean?  It's all subject to whatever "translation" I come up with and without facts, I don't really know anything unless I decide to confront him and that would be a huge MISTAKE!!!

... talking to his friends or family.  What's the point?  Whose side do you think they really are on?  Even if they act like they are sympathetic, it's only an act.  They are there to persuade you to do whatever he has asked them for help with or they are there to "gather information" for his next attack.  I'm not saying they are heartless puppets who don't know the difference between right and wrong.  BUT they have listened to "his version of the truth" a long time ... They want to believe he's a "good guy" ... just a little misunderstood ... no one wants to admit their brother, son, cousin, uncle, friendis a bad guy because then they might have to do something about it and no one really wants to make him mad because they have ALL seen him mad before ... 

... wishing it would all just go away.  C'mon Gal.  Things like abuse don't just go away.  It happened.  It was bad.  We have to deal with it now.

... hoping things will be different!  Do you really think you can go back to the way things were in the beginning?  It's easy to get caught up in the way things used to be, but be honest with yourself.  They haven't been that way in a long time, have they?  If you got out in one piece, get down on your knees and THANK GOD that you were spared YEARS AND YEARS of heartache!  God sure must LOVE you (and me) to spare us from that kind of hell! 

... dreaming about when he'll come back!  Say what?!!!  HE AIN'T COMING BACK, GIRLFRIEND!  HE WASN'T EVEN HERE WHEN HE WAS HERE!  You were committed to a relationship.  He should be committed to a law enforcement facility!  He doesn't deserve your undying loyalty any more then he deserved your love in the first place!  Please know that any kindness you give him will be twisted and thrown back at you because that is what abusers do.  They DO NOT KNOW any other way.  Think that's sad?  I do too, but I am not willing to throw my life away on it!

HEALTHY THINGS YOU CAN DO ARE ...

... praying!

... taking care of yourself.  Exercise.  Drink more water.  Try to eat a more balanced diet.  Dress up!  Get your hair done!  Do your nails!  Soak in a hot tub with bubbles and candlelight and a hot cup of herbal tea.

... getting the support you need.  Spend time with the family or friends that love you most.  Tell them how you feel.  Tell them the things he said to you so that they can help you laugh at "that stupid man" and affirm the wonderful person that they know you to be!!!

... reading books ... romantic books, textbooks, self-help books, poetry, books about your interests, books about places you want to visit ... capture your own imagination.  Teach yourself about all the things you dream about knowing.  You can't help but grow!

... keeping a journal.  Write about what you feel and think, even the things you are worried about.  Write when good things happen.  It will help you to get your feelings out now and it will help you later to look back at whatyou write today and see how far you have come.

... listening to music ... It soothes your heart, lifts your spirit and fills you with hope like nothing else can.

... trying new things.  Do something that takes so much of your concentration that you don't have time to think about what "he" did, what he is doing now or what he will do ... there is really NOTHING you can do about that guy ... BUT there is EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT YOU!

... finding your favorite thing!  My favorite thing is people.  The more time I spend around people, the more I realize how much I have missed meeting new people.  I have practically hidden from the world for the past three and a half years.  It's as though I was under a wicked spell of control ... his control ... but the spell is broken and I"MMMMMMMM BACCCCCCCKKKKK!!!

... always remember that what happened to you is not your fault but recovering is your responsibility.  If you don't take care of yourself, who will?  If you don't take charge of your life, someone else will!

I don't know the things that you love, but find them.  Take the time you need to remember what makes you happiest and DO IT!  It's why you're here!  It will bring you JOY and that JOY chases away sorrow ... ALL the sorrow from yesterday, all the sorrow today and even tomorrow's sorrow ...

JOY!!!

Tags: waste of time things, healthy coping skills, abusive relationships, bad breakups, stopping the drama, recovery, healing

I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter!

Before I read that it was actually therapeutic to engage in positive self-talk, I had an idea.  If all my friends feel like they can turn to me when they are in trouble and I give good advice to them, why can't I be as loving with myself?  I wrote myself the following letter:  

Dear Taylor,  

I am going to write you as if you were my friend, and not, in fact, myself.  I know where you are at.  I watched you fall.  I saw you cry when no one else did.  I want you to know that I forgive you for hurting me, Taylor.  You made a few mistakes.  So what?  I'm not disappointed in you.  They reminded you that you are only human.  As many things as you have accomplished in your life, it didn't hurt for you to be humbled.  I know it hurts for people to see you falling apart.  I know it's embarrassing.  Don't hide from the truth!  Face it! 

Face every one of those silly fears!  Be brave.  Your fears can't hurt you.  YOU can make them go away, one by one!  

It seems like the biggest burden that you carry is the love you feel for the unlovable.  You want so badly to help and change and fix.  Have you forgotten that only God can help and change and fix?  Sometimes, He uses you.  Sometimes, he puts that person on your heart for only a little while, so you can pray.  Release them.  Sometimes, He lets you walk with them through a trouble spot to remind them that they are not alone.  Let them go.  Other times, he has allowed you to open your heart to exactly the kind of person YOU needed to meet. 

Learn the lesson.  

Which lesson?  The one where you give EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT in the hopes that SOMEONE WILL WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU ... where you stop being who you are to be who you think they want you to be.  Don't you think it's odd that you can be in a room of 100 men, and instinctively, you find the one who needs you most?  They always need YOU, but did YOU ever really NEED them?  Were most of the men in your life the kind of person who could take care of you, to begin with? 

From the very start, you want to believe in them, and they set out to prove to you why you shouldn't, couldn't and wouldn't if you were in any other kind of relationship with them!  Sprinkle a little romance dust over a scoundrel and you will bite every time!  I'm not putting you down, but it has gotten to be right comical, don't you think?  

Taylor, it's like you jump into the deep end of the lake to save someone who can't swim, and they always end up pulling you down, because in romantic relationships, you are not a strong swimmer!  You never have been!  If you are going to keep playing in the deep water, we need to get you swimming lessons! 

We need to develop some skills that will make you look before you leap.  I don't want you to get so hurt anymore.  I want you to protect yourself, because if you don't, who will?  

Before I sign out, I want to say one more thing.  I am proud of you!  I know this isn't easy.  I know you want to give up.  I know you are hurting.  I know you are afraid.  I also know you are VERY BRAVE!  Sometimes, you have the courage of ten people, especially when you are defending someone else! 

It's time for you to defend yourself!  If you don't, who will?  

Take care Darlin!

 

Tags: Writing yourself a letter, love letters, taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself, recovery, healing

Co-dependency?

Some one said that you have to have special training to put up with an abuser.  What they meant was that you probably grew up with someone who had the same characteristics and you learned how to adapt.  Not everyone who is abused is co-dependent but a lot of us are!  

What Is CO-DEPENDENCY???  

I could be co-dependent if ...

• My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• Your struggles affects my serenity.
• My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
• My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
• My mental attention is focused on manipulating you (to do it my way).
• My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
• My own hobbies and interests are put aside.
• My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
• Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
• I am not aware of what I want - I ask you what you want.
• I am not aware.  I assume.
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
• My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
• My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
• I put values aside in order to connect with you.
• The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

So I am CO-DEPENDENT?
Now what? 

Looks to me like anybody in my life gets a better deal out of me than I do?  Wanna be worshipped?  Wanna be adored?  Wanna have extreme loyalty?  Look for me or anyone like me almost anywhere near you!  We'll please you.  We'll appease you.  We'll give you much more than you deserve in exchange for much less than we deserve!

GEEZ!  No wonder us co-dependents are in such high demand!

Robin Norwood wrote the book, WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.  Robin talks about what makes us the way we are, what we can do about it and what it takes to recover.  Just like a recovering alcoholic, it has to be a conscious choice everyday to do things and make decisions that are good for us, as well as the people around us.  She refers to co-dependent women as women who love TOO MUCH.  Here are some of the things she says about us:  

When being in love means being in pain, we are loving too much.  

Loving turns into loving too much when your partner is inappropriate, uncaring, or unavailable, and yet you cannot give him up ...  in fact, you want him even more.  

We begin by becoming willing to channel the energy and effort that we formerly spent on trying to change someone else toward changing ourselves instead.  

You need to recover from loving too much for your own sake, but when you stop suffering, your recovery may be so appealing that others watching may begin to pursue their own recovery!  It's contagious. 

Our primary aim should be protecting our own serenity and well-being, rather than finding the right man.  Then andonly then are we able to begin to choose a companion who can care about us in a wholesome way, because the more we heal our own damage and the less we need from a partner, the more we are able to choose someone who isn't so damaged or needy himself.  

For so many of us, the key to recovery is in learning to do the opposite of what we've always done.    

Say prayers for the willingness, the strength, and the courage to look honestly at your past - and at your part in it. The psyche hears such efforts at housecleaning and cooperates by bringing forth the buried pain of the past is that it can be consciously released. As soon as our willingness to forgive the past is truly genuine, a great breakthrough of understanding comes and the pain of the past drops away.  

Forgiving doesn't mean allowing ourselves to be hurt again; it means, among other things, detaching so that we don't take another's actions toward us so personally. Far from making us weak people who can be stepped on by others, forgiveness frees us so that we never have to allow ourselves to be treated badly again.  

No relationship can save you from the pain of your history.  Until you walk through your pain, you'll simply repeat your history.  

To stop loving too much, you must lay aside your fantasy of being the one who will make all the difference in this man's life.  That's YOUR need, and it's not a healthy one.  

Sometimes, people need to be apart.  But if you separate without learning the lessons that therelationship is trying to teach you, then you'll have to face it again in the next relationship, and again in the one after that. When you can accept this man exactly as he is, without anger or resentment, without wanting to change him or punish him, without taking what he does or doesn't do personally, you will have deepened your soul and received the gift this relationship has been trying to give you. After you've learned the lesson the relationship has been trying to impart, you may find that whether you stay or leave hasn't been the real issue at all.  

CAUTION!!!  Agreeing to have contact with a man who has been our "drug" may have the same effect that taking a drink would have on asober alcoholic.  Years of recovery may be wiped out!  

We are certain that if we show someone how much we love them, no matter how he treats us, he will change.  What we are really showing him is that it is safe for him to remain the same!

We do not receive more in life by wishing others less.  To overcome resentment, bless the other person and pray for his highest good.  There's enough good in the world for everybody.  We receive what we send out ... so send out BLESSINGS!      

As we become more able to accept people AS THEY ARE, we become more able to choose those who are good for us and to bless and release those who are not.

It's vital that we see our failures as lessons - and more than that, as our pathway to God.  After all, it isn't what we do well that brings our spiritual surrender, but what we cannot do at all.  Every problem is a pathway to God, designed by your soul to get your attention.    

Remember that we get worse until we get better, that we go deeper into the problem IN ORDER to finally surrender to healing it ... whatever that might mean.

If you want to get over a heartbreaking end to a relationship with as much speed and as little pain as possible, do this: EVERY TIME HE COMES INTO YOUR THOUGHTS, PRAY AS SINCERELY AS YOU CANFOR HIS HIGHEST GOOD. PERIOD.  Even if it has taken you years to get over relationships before, you'll be amazed at how quickly you'll heal when you take this approach.  

WHEN YOU EXCUSE HIS MOODINESS, BAD TEMPER, INDIFFERENCE, AND PUT-DOWNS AS PROBLEMS CAUSED BY AN UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD, AND YOU TRY TO BECOME HIS THERAPIST, YOU ARE LOVING TOO MUCH.  

There are no mistakes in life ... only lessons, so get out there and let yourself learn some of what life wants to teach you.  

Detaching, which is vital to your recovery, requires that you disentangle your ego from his feelings and especially from his actions and their results.  It requires that you allow him to deal with theconsequences of his behavior, and that you don't save him from ANY of his pain.  You may continue to care about him, but you don't take care of him.  You allow him to find his own way, just as you are working to find yours.  

If what we have been doing all along really worked, we wouldn't need to recover. 

If something isn't good for us, it isn't really good for anyone else either.

If you choose to begin the process of recovery, you WILL change from a woman who loves someone else so much it hurts into a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain.  

Recovery requires that you change ... but trying to change too hard to change too much too quickly will very likely ensure that you never really change at all.  When you pray for help to change, pray as well to be able to wait patiently while the changes are taking place.  

Healing comes when we relinquish our beliefs about what SHOULD be and become willing to accept and eventually even appreciate what simply IS.    

If you are truly on the path of recovery from loving too much, know that YOU ARE A MIRACLE!

Except for the physical abuse and/or emotional humiliation, the violent relationship, with all its intensity, best fits our culture's idea of how "real love" is expressed.  No woman in a stable, healthy relationship is ever wooed with the intensity that an abuser directs toward his partner in the courtship and honeymoon phases of the syndrome of violence.  If you are a battered woman, you are a relationship addict with a life-threatening disease for which there is a program of recovery.

10 Steps to Recovery from Relationship Addiction.

1. We accept ourselves.
2. We accept others as they are.
3. We are in touch with our feelings and attitudes about every aspect of our lives.
4. We cherish every aspect of ourselves, our personalities, our appearance, our beliefs and values, our bodies, our interests and our accomplishments We validate ourselves rather than search for a relationship to give us a sense of self-worth.
5. Our self-esteem is great enough that we can enjoy being with others, especially men, who are fine just as they are.  We do not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.
6. We allow ourselves to be open and trusting with appropriate people.  We are not afraid to be known at a deeply personal level, but also, we do not expose ourselves to the exploitations of those who are not interested in our well-being.
7. We learn to ask the question: IS THIS RELATIONSHIP GOOD FOR ME?  Does it enable me to grow into all I am capable of being?
8. When a relationship is destructive, we are able to let go of it without experiencing disabling depression.  We have a circle of supporting friends and healthy interests to see us through crises.
9. We value our own serenity above all else.  All the struggles, drama, and chaos of the past have lost their appeal.  We are protective of ourselves, our health, and our well-being.
10. We know that a relationship, in order to work, must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have a capacity for intimacy.  We also know that we are worthy of the best that life has to offer.    

Co-dependency behavior is born out some of the same places as full blown drug and alcohol addiction and it comes with it's own set of addictive behaviors.  The same 12-step program that heals alcoholics and other addicts can heal us too!  I checked the newspapers here and in a town of 300,000, there are several 12-Step Groups that meet. 

It's not just the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse that we have to get past.  We can be away from the abuser but we still have to cleanse ourselves from the negative energy all that abuse left us with ... We still have to fight the battle inside us.  Somewhere, a long time ago, we accepted the notion that people treated us badly because we deserved it!  WRONG!!! 

Give me a break!  Most of us didn't grow up with the Waltons and the Bradys.  Most of us grew up in homes where our parents did the best they could while they dealt with their own issues, trying to provide for the family, worrying about their jobs, their financial responsibilities or even struggling with their own addictive behaviors ... The family I was born into suffered and the family I gave birth to suffered.  We were what we were.  BUT nothing ever stays the same. 

I can't change the past.  I can change one thing and that one thing is ME!  It does take courage to walk those 12-steps ... and it will take courage to do it again tomorrow too!

The 12 Steps of RECOVERY

1. We admitted we were POWERLESS over our addiction - that our lives have become unmanageable.
2. Came to BELIEVE that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a DECISION to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless MORAL INVENTORY of ourselves.
5. ADMITTED to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were ENTIRELY READY to have God remove all of these defects in character.
7. HUMBLY ASK GOD to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a LIST of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct AMENDS to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would re-injure them or others.
10. Continue to take PERSONAL INVENTORY and when we have wronged promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH GOD as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to CARRY THE MESSAGE to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

It isn't enough to read it ... We have to "get it" and use it to reprogram the parts of ourselves that need to be reprogrammed.  Instead of letting those old ideas about ourselves and the people around us pull us back down, we have to find new ways to think about ourselves, the world around us and our place in our world.  It isn't an overnight fix.  It takes a lifetime to overcome some things, but we can!  It starts with one little step ... admitting that we have a problem and we need help ...

TIMES OF REPROGRAMMING  

Melody Beattie wrote CODEPENDENT NO MORE and BEYOND CODEPENDENCY.  She also wrote THE LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO.  It's a daily journalthat gives you a few paragraphs to think about every day.  I especially liked this entry:  

TIMES OF REPROGRAMMING  

Recovery is not all tiresome, unrewarded work.  There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned.  There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particularproblem.  

These are the times when what we have been practicing in recovery begins to show in our life.  These times of change are intense, but purposeful.  

There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being "reprogrammed".  We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors.  We may feel frightened or confused during these times.  Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable andfamiliar.  During these times we may feel vulnerable, lonely, and needy - like we are on a journey without aroad map or a flashlight, and we feel as if no one has traveled this ground before.  

We may not understand what is being worked out in us.  We may not know where or if we are being led.  

We are being led.  We are not alone.  Our Higher Power is working His finest and best to bring true change in us.  Others have traveled this road too.  We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need.  

We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold.  

Recovery is a healing process.  We can trust it, even when we don't understand it.  We are right where we need to be in this process; we're going through exactly what we need to experience.  And where we're going is better than any place we've been.

Tags: Co-Dependency, codependency, recovery, healing

Abusers, Narcissists & Sociopaths - Preview

I heard a lot of different terms in the beginning and even though I had heard the words before, I never really had a clear idea of what the terms meant so I decided to look them up.  I ran into several good definitions.  These are some of the basic characteristics of all three: the abuser, the narcissist and the sociopath.  These lists are not meant to replace or even suggest a clinical diagnosis of the man in your life, but these lists might be the first look into what you are dealing with.  

You'll notice that they share some of the same characteristics, the biggest of which is that none of them is capable of empathy.  That means, no matter how bad he makes you feel, he is not capable of putting himself in your shoes.  He lacks the capacity to care about anyone's feelings except his own.  Period.  

DOES HE LOVE YOU?

An abuser might be addicted to the idea of controlling you but ABUSE is the opposite of LOVE.  Abusers can be nice and even kind to the rest of the world while saving their brutality for their partner or children.  Narcissists can't love anyone as much as they love themselves.  They are eternal 6 year olds.  Everything is all about them all the time all the way.  Narcissists can put their rage on simmer, but most of the time, they rage at the world.  They are arrogant, selfish, haughty and rude to everyone.  Sociopaths don't love.  They are more charming then the Abuser or the Narcissist, but there's always an angle.  Life is a game.  They make their own rules.  They must win and they don't care who gets hurt as long as they win.  The people around them are usually taken in by them and never even know until it's too late that they are being damaged!   

IS HE SORRY FOR ABUSING YOU? 

Abusers blame their victims and justify or deny their abuse.  Narcissism is a personality disorder.  Nothing makes sense.  Since they are never wrong, they don't expect us to question their actions, and if we do, they'll show us what real abuse is like!  Sociopaths are mentally ill.  They don't have a conscience.  They are not sorry for any harm they cause.  A sociopath is only sorry when he gets caught, IF he gets caught.  All three will express remorse for just one reason ... to get you to come closer so they can slap you harder next time!

    

Characteristics of a Batterer / Abuser

• Jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation of victim
• Blames others for his problems
• Blames others for his feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to animals or children
• "Playful" use of force during sex
• Verbal abuse
• Rigid sex roles
• Jekyll and Hyde type personality
• History of past battering
• Threats of violence
• Breaking or striking objects
• Any force during an argument
• Objectification of women
• Tight control over finances
• Minimization of the violence
• Manipulation through guilt
• Extremehighs and lows
• Expects her to follow his orders
• Frightening rage
• Use of physical force
• Closed mindedness

How to Recognize a Narcissist

• Amoral/conscienceless
• Authoritarian
• Care only about appearances
• Contemptuous
• Critical of others
• Cruel
• Disappointing gift-givers
• Don't recognize own feelings
• Envious and competitive
• Feel entitled
• Flirtatious or seductive
• Grandiose
• Hard to have a good time with
• Hate to live alone
• Hyper-sensitive to criticism
• Impulsive
• Lack sense of humor
• Naive
• Passive
• Pessimistic
• Religious
• Secretive
• Self-contradictory
• Stingy
• Strange work habits
• Unusual eating habits
• Weird sense of time
• Other Characteristics of A Narcissist:
• An exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or high status people
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a sense of entitlement
• Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own needs
• Lacks empathy Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
• Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.

 

Profile of A Sociopath

• Glibness/Superficial Charm
• Manipulative and Conning
• Grandiose Sense of Self
• Pathological Lying
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
• Shallow Emotions
• Incapacity for Love
• Need for Stimulation
• Callousness / Lack of Empathy
• Poor Behavioral Controls / Impulsive Nature
• Early Behavior Problems / Juvenile Delinquency
• Irresponsibility / Unreliability
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior / Infidelity 
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
• Other Related Qualities:
• Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
• Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
• Authoritarian
• Secretive
• Paranoid
• Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
• Conventional appearance
• Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
• Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
• Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love
• Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
• Incapable of real human attachment to another
• Unable to feel remorse or guilt
• Extreme narcissism and grandiose
• May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

 

The Bottom Line? 

I wouldn't want to go camping in the rain with any of these guys!

All three share enough characteristics that you may think an abuser is mean enough to be narcissistic or a narcissist can seem icy enough to be a sociopath.  In one of his RAGES, he can seem like the very worst of all three.  It doesn't really matter what category your man might fit into most ... All three can be very dangerous to the women who love them. 

WILL HE HURT YOU AGAIN?

From the first time he hurts you and finds a way to justify it in his own mind, he has already moved to the next level of cruelty.  The next time he hurts you, it will be worse, and he will find a way to justify that too.  People either get better or worse.  Be honest with yourself.  Has he been hurting you more or less?  Don't count the "rests" in between temper tantrums.  Did he holler louder and hit harder this time?  Will you survive next time?  How much more can you take?  Is it worth it? 

DANGER SIGNS IN ABUSIVE MEN*

• He is extremely jealous and possessive.
• His violent behavior and threats have been escalating.
• He follows you, monitors your whereabouts, or stalks you in other ways.
• You are taking steps to end the relationship or have already done so.
• He was violent toward you during one or more of your pregnancies.
• He has been sexually violent toward you.
• He has threatened to kill you or hurt you badly, has choked you, or has threatened you with a weapon.
• He has access to weapons and is familiar with their use.
• He seems obsessed with you.
• He is depressed, suicidal, or show signs of not caring what happens to him.
• He isn't close to anyone.
• He has significant criminal history.
• He uses or threatens violence against other people.
• He abuses substances (alcohol, drugs, prescription meds, steroids, etc.) heavily.
• He has been abusive to children.
• His past violence toward you, or toward other partners, has been frequent or severe.
• He has killed or abused pets, or has other terror tactics.
• He uses pornography.  
• He exhibited extreme behaviors when you made previous attempts to leave.
• He is familiar with your routines, the addresses of your friends and relatives, the location of your workplace, or other personal information he can use to locate you.  

A small number of abusers who kill or severely injure their partners do so with FEW OR NONE of the above elements known to be present, which is all the more reason to rely ultimately on your own "gut" feelings of how dangerous he is.*  

If you are prepared to leave your relationship, safety planning, becomes even more important.  If you are afraid of your partner, don't tell him that you are breaking up with him until you have a clear plan and feel that you can inform him in a safe way.  Then break all contact with him.  Staying out of touch with an abusive ex-partner can be very difficult.  The more you are afraid of him, the more tempted you may feel to check up on how he is doing, because in the past your safety may have depended on your constant awareness of his moods and readiness to respondto them.  But making contact with him can be very dangerous as he may sound friendly and say that he just wants to see you for one final talk or to say good-bye, and then use that opportunity to attack you physically or sexually. 

I have been aware of a few cases where the man made an innocent sounding excuse to get together "just once" and then murdered the woman for having left him.  It is natural to have the hope of staying friends with an ex-partner, but this is rarely possible with an abusive man and is absolutely impossible with one who is physically dangerous to you.*  

(* This last portion is an excerpt from: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN by Lundy Bancroft)  

How long can you love a man that can't love you back?

Tags: Abusers, Narcissists, Sociopaths, Loving Someone Who Can't Love You Back, Recovery, Healing

The Roller Coaster Ride Called Recovery

Recovery started out for me like a ride on a SCRAMBLER, you know, one of those rides ... they might still have at the fair ... where you are going as fast as you can in one direction, only to be hurled just as fast in another direction?  I felt like I was suspended precariously between hope and hopelessness ... I wanted to believe in him even when everything he did was exactly the opposite of someone anyone could believe in.

Recovery is messy ... Healing doesn't come in a neat little package.  It has ups and downs.  I pushed through some scary, painful times.  I had to take stock of what Aydan did to me but I also had to take responsibility for my choices.  That DOES NOT mean that I, in any way, take responsibility for HIS ABUSE AND RAGE.  I continued to care about Aydan long after I should have.  I wasn't protective of myself.  I wasn't true to myself.  I let him distract me.  He was good at it!  I ignored the warning signs.  I got confused when he accused me of things I never even thought of.  I see now that all the things he said about me were true about him!  It's all so clear to me now, but at the time, my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't even think straight.  I can now!

Disengaging and Breaking Away from Aydan was like untangling from barbed wire and broken glass.  Every move away from him hurt and cut away at parts of me that I guess I didn't need anyway.  I had to let go of major portions of pride.  I had to admit that I had made some very bad choices.  I had to take responsibility for those choices.  I had to ask other people for help.  I was trapped in a snare I couldn't break free of by myself.  I had to let myself feel everything ... Shame, Grief, Confusion, Anger, Sadness, Acceptance, Hope, Forgiveness, Faith and Gratitude ... I guess I'll have to work on some of those things every day for the rest of my life, but the REST of my life is going to be so much better than it was!

I didn't ever have to do everything on my own!  It's never was me against the world.  People like taking care of me as much as I like taking care of them!  AND I like letting someone else run the train, carry the load, worry about the details, run the show and drive the car!  It's nice to be a little pampered once in a while.  It's good to see how other people solve problems.  I have learned so many new things!

During the first year, I wrote lots of things.  They're not classic poetry.  They aren't meant to be.  Someone suggested that I write my feelings in short phrases ... That worked for me because there were days I couldn't have put all my feelings in complete sentences.  It wasn't about making pretty poetry.  It was about getting the feelings OUT.  Here are a few that did that for me:

 

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!  

I made myself think of something else EVERY TIME I thought of him  

I thought I saw him on the street  

My heart beat fast with fear

and

then my heart sank when I realized it wasn't him.  

IT WILL NEVER BE HIM AGAIN  

I loved him more after he left

than I ever loved him when he was here  

I missed him today but not as much

as I didyesterday

and who knows what tomorrow will bring?  

Maybe another strategy

another coping skill to take care of me

because

IT WILL NEVER BE HIM AGAIN

 

 

Does he make you tense? Do you walk on eggshells all the time?

NOT WORTH IT!

You haven't found a partner. You've found an ulcer!  

 

 

Aydan was never really "here for me". I could never depend on him.

How could I depend on him for the big things? 

I couldn't even depend on him to be in a good mood!  

 

 

I'm missing a man that never existed

a man that he never was

a man I imagined him to be  

just like a child's imaginary friend

but I am not a child and I have no need for imaginary friends

It's time for him to GO AWAY 

 

 

An essential part of RECOVERY includes allowing myself to feel

ANGER!  

I resisted.

I didn't want to be like him. 

Silly me! 

I'm not like him. I can feel anger and control it.  

 

 

NO matter what he ever says or does,  

He is still the man who held a gun on me.

IT'S TOO LATE.

I can never trust him again. I could never feel safe.  

VERY FEW PEOPLE ACT VIOLENTLY ONLY ONCE.  

Most of us have a powerful need to believe that we could never love someone capable of hurting us.  

I will not compound the damage to my well-being by blaming myself in any way for HIS criminal and cowardly act.  

 

 

There are times I'd like to pretend I never even knew Aydan, but how can I encourage other women to "take the journey" toward healing if I don't warn you of the hurdles?  Of course, you will feel love and longing and sadness!  He wouldn't have chosen a woman that didn't have a BIG HEART!  But don't let him use your own heart against you!  It's exactly like I said earlier, 

IF YOU HAVE A HEART BIG ENOUGH TO LOVE SOMEONE SO UNLOVABLE, YOU HAVE A HEART BIG ENOUGH FOR A REAL LIFE ... ONE WHERE YOU GET TO BE HAPPY! 

Are you thinking that only you understand him, that if you just give a little bit more, he'll realize how much he's loved and suddenly change?  Are you thinking that if you do everything perfect, he'll notice?  You do know you are only fooling yourself, right?

The truth is that the more we did to please "our men", the more they felt entitled and the more demands they made! 

It's okay if you find yourself wishing that things could be different.  I did the same thing!  I wasted months.  I began to realize that I had two relationships ... one with "Sweet Aydan" and one with "Scary Aydan" ... In the beginning, he was one of the sweetest guys a girl could meet ... He said and did the sweetest things.  He was so thoughtful.  He was almost too good to be true.  As he got more comfortable, "Scary Aydan" started making demands.  They were simple enough at first, but they kept getting more and more unreasonable.  No matterwhat I did for him, it was NEVER good enough!  "Scary Aydan" was a thug!  If it was a battle between good and evil ... between "Sweet Aydan" and "Scary Aydan", then, "Scary Aydan" won ...

In fact, I believe, now, that's who he was all along.  I wanted so much for him to be the man I met at first.  I wanted him to be the man I imagined.  Sad thing is, on some level, I think Aydan wanted to be the man I admired too, but he couldn't pretend to be someone he wasn't for long!  How could he become a better man and still keep all his "bad boy" traits? 

I can see it, and you can see it too, that while they think they are "being so strong", the rest of the world sees them as SO WEAK!  Real men don't have to abuse women. 

The love I felt was mine.  I heard that he mocked me and said sarcastically, "She's IN LOVE."  He's right.  I was.  I'm not sure about him though.  Some abusers confuse love with control.  Others may never really know love for anyone or anything.  It doesn't matter how sick our abuser is.  What matters is that ABUSE is NOT LOVE ... in fact, they are opposites.

Charles Swindoll said "To love and be loved is the bedrock of our existence. But love must also flex and adapt.  Rigid love is not true love. It is VEILED MANIPULATION, a conditional time bomb THAT EXPLODES when frustrated. Genuine love willingly waits.

Love isn't pushy or demanding. While it has it's limits, it's boundaries are far reaching. Real love is NOT shortsighted, selfish or insensitive.  Love is Patient.  Love is kind. (I Corinthians 13:4)"

Scott Peck, in his book, PEOPLE OF THE LIE, talks about what happens when people choose NOT to grow.  We either get better or we get worse ... and some people (like ourabusers) do get worse.  They don't acknowledge their own wrong doing.  They justify the cruel things they do.  They "armor themselves up" for the battle they fight against themselves.  They ruin their own lives to save their precious PRIDE ... They are like dead men walking ... living only the part of their lives they are willing to admit to ... That's whatmakes them "people of the lie".  It's not the lies other people tell them that hurt them.  It's the lies they tell themselves!  Each time they lie to themselves, they sell a tiny piece of their soul, and some of them didn't have much "soul real estate" to begin with!

Well, that's not my story to tell.  I hurt so bad that all I knew was that I didn't ever want to get to this place again, so I did everything I could to, hopefully, not to come this way again.  I have the tools to choose more wisely, set better boundaries for myself, listen to my intuition, question things that don't "feel right" as soon as they don't "feel right" ... and never let myself fall so far and so fast again. 

I can't control anything or anyone else, but I am in full control of ME ... thankfully!  I will do my best with what I'm given today, and I'll do my best with what ever happens tomorrow and the day after that, I'll do the same, one day at a time, until doing my best is a habit!

 

 

From the start he and I may have tried to help - change - fix each other.  

In the end I had to help - change - fix myself  

so that I could help - change - fix his victim into a SURVIVOR. 

I have more strength than I ever knew.

I SURVIVED him.

Tags: Recovery Roller Coaster, Poetry, Abusive Relationships, Recovery, Healing

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Just sitting here counting my blessings ... This is the day for it!  Holidays sure have changed for me.  I've been in recovery for over two years and just like I was promised back then ... Things really did get better!  My life started to fill up with the goodness of friends and the warmth of family.  I dealt with a lot of my "stuff" ... getting rid of a lot of "baggage" ... taking care of business ... reprogramming ... There were a lot of rewards.  My life got simpler.  I found the most amazing peace in letting go! 

So THIS year, when my family (the ones who can be here) join hands to say a prayer of thankfulness, we will have so many things to say THANK YOU for!  

You never know when God is going to bless you!!!

Good things happen when you least expect them to !!! 
    

Dear Lord,  

I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness.  Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.  Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak ... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.  

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.  

I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.  

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.    

Amen

I don't know where you are this year or what your holiday will bring.  Whether you are still trying to please an abusive partner, whether you are alone with your thoughts, whether you are celebrating life's victories or a holiday that is somewhere between those places.  No matter where you are or what's happening, there is SOMETHING worth being thankful for. 

If you are alone, you have time to make a list!  Begin the list with:  

1.        The Miracle that is ME!   ...

and go from there because you are a miracle, you know?  You bring something to the people around you that no one else can!  You really do.  There is a reason that you are here and everything that happens in our lives, good and bad, can make us into the most AWESOME people if we just let it!  It's okay to believe in yourself!  You are a good person!   

and .... just like I was promised ... and I believed it ... with a little bit of work ...  

LIFE DOES GET BETTER!  

Happy Thanksgiving!  

Tags: Thanksgiving, I survived his abuse, finding happiness, recovery, healing

Why Did I FEEL This?

I knew Aydan had gone too far ... or I never would have called the law in the first place.  It broke my heart.  I didn't understand why I was so worried about him and his feelings when he had already proven vividly that he had no real feelings for me?  I had taken "ownership" of caring for Aydan and even though the relationship was OVER and I knew it, I still felt like it was "my job" to take care of him!  This man pointed a loaded shotgun at me and I still felt like I needed to finish painting his living room and plant the shrubs at his house!

Dr. Carnes says, "There is always something kind, noble or redeeming about someone who has betrayed you.  Victims of betrayal will hold to those good things even while the world crashes in around them."  My world was crashing in around me when I found this book.  The book is 11.95 and available on-line or at any bookstore.  The 144 questions starting on page 37 are worth the 12.00!  There was a post traumatic stress self-test on page 37 that was helpful ... I took it.  I answered the questions honestly.  I was surprised at my own answers and the results.  Sometimes, we have no choice but to face reality.  This is where I was at ... Now, what was I going to do about it?

BETRAYAL BOND

Breaking Free Of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.  

Betrayal.  A breach of trust.  Fear.  What you thought was true - counted on to be true - was not.  It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies.  Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was enough truth to make everything seem right.  Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous ...   

Betrayal.  You can't explain it away anymore.  A pattern exists.  You know that now.  You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really what it seemed).  That would be unbearable.  But to move forward means certain pain.  No escape.  No in-between.  Choices have to be made today, not tomorrow.  The usual ways you numb yourself will not work.  The reality is too great, too relentless.  

Betrayal.  A form of abandonment.  Often the abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can be still close, even intimate, or maybe intruding in your life.  Yet your interests, your well-being is continually sacrificed.

Abandonment is at the core of addictions.  Abandonment causes deep shame.  Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.  Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving.  If severe enough, it is traumatic.  What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror.  If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state.  You no longer feel safe. 

You're on full alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again.  In that state of readiness, you're unaware that a part of you has died.  You are grieving.  Like everyone who has loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness and sadness.  Yet, you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. 

In your readiness, you abandon yourself.  Yes, another abandonment.  

But that is not the worst.  The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you.  You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing - convert them to non-abusers.  You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts.  You strive to do better as your life slips away in a swirl of intensity.  These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities and place yourself at even greater risk.  The great irony?  You are bracing yourself against further hurt.  The result?  The guarantee of more pain.  These attachments have a name.  They are called betrayal bonds.  These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to her. 

Adult survivors of abuse and dysfunctional families struggle with bond that are rooted in their own betrayal experiences.  Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive to you is a form of insanity.


How Do You Know If You Are Suffering From The Effects Of A Betrayal Bond?

• When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.
• When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.
• When there are repetitive, destructive fights that nobody wins.
• When others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not.
• When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person's treatment of you.
• When you feel stuck because you know what the other person is doing is destructive but believe you cannot do anything about it.
• When you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others.
• When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
• When someone's talents, charisma or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive or degrading acts.
• When you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person.
• When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful, it almost destroyed you.
• When extraordinary demands are placed upon you to measure up as a way to cover up that you have been exploited.
• When you keep secret someone's destructive behavior toward you because of all the good they have done or the importance of their position or career.
• When the history of your relationship is about contracts or promises that have been broken and that you are asked to overlook.

If you are reading this book (or journal), a clear betrayal has probably happened in your life.  Chances are that you have also bonded with the person or persons who have let you down.  Now, here is the important part:

YOU WILL NEVER MEND THE WOUND WITHOUT DEALING WITH THE BETRAYAL BOND. 

Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back.  You cannot walk away from it.  Time alone will not heal it.  Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain.  Being crazy will not make it better.  No amount of therapy, long-tern or short-term, will help without confronting it.  Your ability to have a spiritual experience will be impaired.  Any form of conversion or starting over only postpones the inevitable.  And there is no credit for feeling sorry for yourself.  You must acknowledge, understand and come to terms with the relationship.

Betrayal can bring forth every issue, secret and unfinished business a person has, all of which are important.  Further, fear and crisis are often part of the scene.  So the immediate problems come first.  As a result, the betrayal bond itself may be ignored.

Here are signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:

• When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to).
• When you continue to seek contact with people who you know will cause you further pain.
• When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.
• When you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive.
• When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you.
• When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
• When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
• When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
• When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
• When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
• When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.
• When you are attracted to untrustworthy people.
• When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
• When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

How do trauma bonds become addictive?

The answer is in the same way other addictions work. The criteria for addiction are the following:

1. Compulsivity: loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior.
2. Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences such as loss of health, job, marriage or freedom.
3. Obsession with the behavior.

Betrayal, addiction and trauma weave a design of continually recycled wounds that create an overarching pattern of compulsive relationships.

There are 11 ways that trauma bonds are made stronger:

1. When there are repetitive cycles of abuse.
2. When the victim and the victimizer believe in their own uniqueness.
3. When high intensity is mistaken for intimacy.
4. When there is confusion about love.
5. When there are increasing amounts of fear.
6. When children are faced with terror.
7. When there is a history of abuse.
8. When exploitation endures over time.
9. When the community, family or social structure reacts in the extremes.
10. When there is a familiar role and script to be fulfilled.
11. When victims and victimizers switch roles of rescue and abuse.

For successful recovery, the victim has to be able to break through denial and see the compulsive patterns for what they are ... When you live with someone dangerous, you learn to keep the waters smooth.  Thus there exists a web of rules against anger and a deep, almost preverbal, primitive fear of holding an abuser accountable ... Every person who has experienced compulsive relationship behavior has had consequences because of that behavior. 

You certainly should have felt anger, maybe even enough anger that you are determined to change your patterns ... No more will you disbelieve the obvious and believe the improbable.  In the future, your anger will make you intolerant of being exploited and used ... You may also have feelings of sadness, loss and regret.  Knowing your own hurt and expressing that hurt is critical to healing.  First of all the sadness moves the survivor beyond the anger.  Sometimes, those in trauma bonds hold on to the anger as a way to stay connected to the abuser. 

An example would be the divorcing couple who start off expressing their anger and telling stories about why they are angry to all their friends.  One partner, however, moves beyond that point and realizes, that she, too, has significant responsibility for what happened.  This partner learns from her experiences and goes on to reconstruct her life.  The other partner stays stuck in the anger, and years later is still telling the blaming stories to anyone who will listen. 

That partner has used anger to stay in the relationship, and is probably too scared to accept the pain of loss. 

By blaming the other for the problems in his life, the blaming partner can prevent the actual acceptance of the loss of the relationship or the losses caused by the relationship.  HEALTHY anger expresses limitations.  BLAMING anger recycles the history of betrayal and all the intense feelings that are a part of a trauma bond. 

It (anger and blaming) is a negative way to keep the old person around. 

To finally grieve means to accept that your life did not turn out the way you wanted, the way you deserved or the way it should have.  Those who are trauma bonded have to accept not only the reality of compulsive relationships but also the accumulated losses in their lives going back to whatever created the original working model for relationships.  

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.  

They were able to transform suffering into meaning!  I believe survivors of any form of abuse have that essential task.  Out of the incredible pain comes clarity of belief and depth of purpose.  They become people of substance, with no more tolerance of living in the lie.  They know evil for what it is and arm themselves with rituals that keep meaning close to their hearts.  They have a high regard for that which connects, and reject all that divides or hides.  Inescapable pain creates enduring honesty and accountability. 

Do you want things to be different?

Trauma bonds can be disrupted when healthy bonds are available ... Findingsupportive healthy relationships is the foundation of recovery ... Support is theground floor of any recovery effort ... People who specialize in helping these survivors with their trauma have found that the first part of recovery is to give a detailed description of what happened to a sympathetic audience ... By telling their story, they are "reunited" with other humans who care for them.  It now means something to survive.

Dr. Carnes offers several good exercises in his book that will help take you consciously through recovery.  You can take your time thinking about the questions and how you will answer.  You can work on your recovery at your own pace.

Recovery?  

There really isn't a better choice, you know?  If you were hiking in the wilderness and broke your leg, you would have to DO SOMETHING.  You couldn't just get up and walk away, pretending nothing happened!  Even after you tended to the leg, you would have to make changes in your routine and give your leg time to heal. 

There are no shortcuts.  You can't rush the healing. 

In fact, no one really know exactly when it will be totally healed because everyone heals differently.  You can't trade your broken leg in for a new one.  You can't ignore it and hope it goes away.  You have to tend to it.

How come we know this about our body and we don't know this about our heart? 

Tags: betrayal bond, trauma bond, abusive relationships, recovery, healing, survival