Who do you talk to? That's not always an easy choice. Your dearest friends and your closest relatives might not understand. They might be in denial about their own relationships. They might like pretending such things don't happen. It's okay. You might have felt that way yourself once! But now, you don't have a choice! You're here and an important part of your recovery is talking about what happened with you and not having to worry about offending anyone while you talk.
I chose my people carefully. Most people won't know what to say. They will want to help you. It's okay to let them know ahead of time that you don't expect them to come up with any answers ... that it would help you if they would listen so you could get some things off your chest. This article helps other people understand where you're at ... cause you know and I know that in the beginning, we aren't really sure ourselves where we are at!
How Can I Help My Daughter, Sister, Or Friend Who Is Being Abused?
THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely.
SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation.
THE ABUSER: Talks down to her.
SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does.
SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do.
THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations.
SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a "jerk" he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.
THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control her life.
SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after separation. You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.
THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does.
SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes, abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.
THE ABUSER: Think FOR her.
SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.
Notice that BEING the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean SAYING the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, "Don't leave me, Don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering her with "Leave him, Leave him,: she will feel that you're much like him, you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do. Neither of you is asking the empowering question,
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)
You can choose your friends and family carefully, tell them what happened and ask them for their support. Truthfully. most people don't know HOW to help or WHAT TO DO but they do love you and they do care. Make it easy for them and you by sharing this article with them. This is what other women said helped them. We are all figuring this out at the same time ... but is a pretty good guide.
Be there!
Be persistent in showing you love and care.
BE careful with your opinions.
Please don't give up on me!
Offering Your Help ~ Acknowledge my situation:
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Do this very gently. If I am unwilling to acknowledge the abuse, please don't press the issue.
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Do it very carefully. Not only am I afraid; I am in danger. If my abuser finds out I spoke with you, he will take it out on me.
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No matter how I respond to your overture, assure me that your interest is in my safety and welfare and that anything I tell you will be held in confidence.
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Remind me know that whenever I want, I can look at material you have about abusive relationships. It would help if I could use your computer to look things up. He can't track me on your computer.
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Please Support Me.
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When I run myself down, point out my strengths. Your encouragement is a lifeline to me!
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If I need to talk without coming to resolution, let me. I'm trying to figure things out and it helps when I can talk to someone who won't judge me.
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When I'm ready to make a move, help me determine what I will need, offer to keep a suitcase, money, and important papers, be a point of contact for me if I am in hiding.
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Watch the children when I have important appointments or just to give me a break, if you can.
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Believe in me. Expect that there will be set-backs and changes of heart. Let me know that leaving is a process and that you know I can and will make necessary changes in my life. Know that I am doing the best that I can.
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Acknowledge the reality of the losses that I face.
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Take care of yourself.
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There is a risk that your relationship with (me) the victim could become so dependent that you feel overwhelmed. It's okay to refer me to a resource that will share the burden.
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Don't do anything that puts you at risk from the abuser. If it is safe, continue whatever quality of relationship we had before you became aware of the abuse. I will understand.
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Don't intervene physically; don't ever threaten him.
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If he makes threats, take out aprotective order against him and report any and allviolations. I want YOU to be safe as much as you want me to be safe.
(Middle Way House, P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN 47402 812-336-0846)
Physicists tell us that once an atom has touched another atom, there is a relationship between the two atoms that endures forever, no matter how far they are from each other ... Once made, a relationship always exists. It seems that in human relationships, that principle exists as well. Once a person has been a part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.
If the relationship was toxic, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with the person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you. This is true of all human systems - intact or not.
(from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)
It was very rough for me at the beginning. I was in shock, denial, grieving, angry, profoundly sad, anxious, afraid, hopeful ... and sometimes, it seemed like I felt all that at the same time! There's no easy way through all the emotions. When we are hurt, there are people around us who are hurt too. Seeing the hurt in my children's faces ... realizing that I had to protect myself and them ... is the thing that started me on my recovery. It wasn't easy to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did! My resolve and self esteem grew as time went by, but I never could have done it alone. I thank God for myfriends and family. They were really here for me. Are you wishing you had more support? Maybe, you just have to ask the people that love you for what you need?
The best kind of friend
Is the kind you can sit on a porch
And swing with,
Never say a word ...
And then walk away feeling like
It was the best conversation you've ever had ...
Because ...
Sometimes ... There are no words ...
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