I started writing this journal as a form of therapy and was pleased when it actually seemed to be helping other woman, but I wrote most of it at the beginning of my recovery, and some of the ideas I had were more emotion than wisdom and some of the decisions I made were more to relieve my pain than for real peace. It's okay. Healing doesn't happen in a straight line. It has peaks and valleys. We learn through the blessings and the trials, and somehow, they all work together to carry us to a better place, if we let them.
You know what people say about hindsight being 20/20? After being in recovery for over 2 years, I can look back at my experience with much more clarity and much less confusion that when I was still "under the spell" ... Even after I was free of his direct influence, his manipulative ideas and abusive statements continued to effect my judgment. I missed red flags and ignored warning signs for years. When I couldn't ignore the abuse anymore, I was forced to rethink a lot of things. I hoped far too long for a peaceful resolution with my abuser.
Abusive men are EXPERTS at keeping their victims off balance because it is one of their many tools to maintain control ... which is THE ONLY thing they really want! While you are focused on LOVING, he is focused on WINNING. His perception of WINNING changes constantly ... which is why one demand leads to another and we spend too much time trying to keep up to them ... Any time we get too close to discovering his true nature, any time we challenge the status quo, any time we show independence and stand up to him, we will find ourselves in the most confusing conversations. He can talk us in circles and will accuse us of the very thing we are saying about him! He can and will stand the whole situation on it's head and reverse reality. We will never know what hit us! We will start the conversation, determined to make our point, only to leave the conversation, more confused than when we started and with no resolution. On occasion, he really wins by convincing us that he is NOT the problem ... we are!
I am getting ahead of myself ...
I want to tell you this story from the beginning with the 20/20 hindsight ... I have changed the name of my abuser and friends because the names aren't as important as the story ... In fact, before too long, you may find yourself replacing the name of my abuser with the name of your own ... because most of our stories are VERY SIMILAR!
If you are being abused, it's important that you get help ... from wherever you can! You are NOT the one with the problem. He is. No one deserves to be abused, no matter what. You didn't do one thing to cause him to be an abuser. Men who abuse are what they are. Nothing you do or don't do will change him unless he wants to, and few of them ever want to change because they don't think they are the ones with the problem! 15 minutes after he calls you a name ... 15 minutes after he belittles you ... 15 minutes after he hits you, he's already convinced himself that you deserved it and it's all YOUR fault!!! If you don't hear anything else, please hear this:
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
It never was ...
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