I remember still being in shock about Aydan and that gun. Every time I talked to someone, they had so much information about "those kind of men". The information was too much too soon. I kept thinking, "You might be right about those guys, but you don't know my guy."
Most of us have a powerful need to believe that we could never love someone who could hurt us this much.
You might need time to think. I know how much you wish you could go back to the beginning and start all over ... but you can't. There is only one first kiss! You are where you are. Take a deep breath. Maybe, you are asking yourself WHY like I did? This book would have been a big help then.
WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN
by Lundy Bancroft
(Mr. Bancroft is an abuse counselor. He wrote this book from the knowledge he gained over the years working with abusers and their partners ... He has an interesting point of view. I felt many times, as I read his book, as though he were describing my experience. Maybe, you will see your situation too?)
The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break the patterns of ups and downs.
The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like the oil from a drum. When he is in this mode, NOTHING she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, "I just can't seem to do anything right."
The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can't control and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away.
In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won't notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he THINKS. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won't even notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.
Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame.
The mythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been created largely by the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoct explanations for their actions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergymen, relatives, and social researchers. But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyze and account for their own problems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell us why he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly? When we hear excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that - excuses. We don't consider an alcoholic a reliable source of insight. So why should we let angry and controlling men be the authority on partner abuse? Our first task, therefore, is to remove the abusive man's smoke and mirrors, and then set about watching carefully to see what he is really doing.
THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS (his excuses)
1. He was abused as a child.
2. His previous partner hurt him.
3. He abuses those he loves most.
4. He holds in his feelings too much.
5. He has an aggressive personality.
6. He loses control.
7. He is too angry.
8. He is mentally ill.
9. He hates women.
10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
11. He has low self-esteem.
12. His boss mistreats him.
13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
14. There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as his partner.
16. He is a victim of racism.
17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.
You don't really need an "expert" on abuse to explain your life to you; what you do need above all is some support and encouragement to hold on to your own truth. Your abusive partner wants to deny you that experience. He wants to pluck your view of reality out of your head and replace it with his. When someone has invaded your identity in this way enough times, you naturally start to lose your balance. But you can find your way back to center.
THE REALITIES ABOUT ABUSERS (the TRUTH)
1. He is controlling.
2. He feels entitled.
3. He twists things into their opposites.
4. He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
5. He confuses love and abuse.
6. He is manipulative.
7. He strives to have a good public image.
8. He feels justified.
9. Abusers deny and minimize their abuse.
10. Abusers are possessive.
CRITICAL CHARACTERISTICS OF VERBAL ABUSE
1. The abuser sees an argument as WAR.
2. She is always wrong in his eyes.
3. He has an array of control tactics in conflict.
sarcasm
ridicule
distorting what you say
sulking
accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks
using a tone of absolute certainty and final authority-"defining reality"
interrupting
not listening, refusing to respond
laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective
turning your grievances around to use against you
changing the subject to HIS grievances
criticism that is harsh, undeserved, or frequent
provoking guilt
playing the victim
smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expression
yelling, out-shouting
swearing
name calling, insults, put-downs
walking out
towering over you
walking toward you in an intimidating way
blocking a doorway
other forms of physical intimidation, such as getting too close
threatening to leave you
threatening to harm you
4. He makes sure to get his way-by one means or another
WILL HIS VERBAL ABUSE TURN TO VIOLENCE?
When he is mad at you, does he react by throwing things, punching doors, or kicking the car? Does he use violent gestures such as gnashing teeth, ripping at his clothes, or swinging his arms around in the air to show his rage? Have you been frightened when he does those things?
Is he willing to take responsibility for those behaviors and agree to stop them, or does he justify them angrily?
Can he hear you when you say that those bad behaviors frighten you, or does he throw the subject back on you, saying that you cause his behaviors, so it's your own problem if you're scared?
Does he attempt to use his scary behaviors as bargaining chips, such as saying that he won't punch walls if you are willing to stop going out with your friends? (My abuser used to say that he wouldn't scare me if I didn't make him angry ... no THREAT there!)
Does he deny that he even engaged in the scary behaviors, such as claiming that a broken door was caused by somebody else or that you are making up or exaggerating what happened?
Does he ever make veiled threats, such as "You don't want to see me mad," or "you don't know who you are messing with"?
Is he severely verbally abusive? Research studies indicate that the BEST behavioral predictor of which men will become violent to their partners is THEIR LEVEL OF VERBAL ABUSE.
ABUSER'S RESPONSE TO A POSSIBLE BREAK-UP
Promising to change
Entering therapy or an abuser program
not drinking, attending AA
making apologies
telling you that you will be lost without him
telling you that no one else will want to be with you
threatening suicide
saying that you are abandoning him
making you feel guilty
threatening to kidnap or take custody of the children
threatening to leave you homeless with no financial resources
turning very nice
getting other people into pressuring you into giving him another chance
taking care of things that you have been complaining about for a long time (e.g., finally fixing something around the house, getting a job, agreeing that you can go out with your friends)
behaving in self destructive ways so that you will worry or feel sorry for him
spreading rumors about you, trying to ruin your friendships or reputation
starting a new relationship/affair to make you jealous or angry
insisting that he has already changed
spreading confidential information about you to humiliate you
threatening or assaulting anyone you try to start a new relationship with, or anyone who is helping you
getting you pregnant
stalking you
physically or sexually assaulting you
trashing your house or car
threatening to harm or kill you
He knows he used to be able to control you with charm, affection, and promises. He also remembers how well intimidation or aggression worked at other times. Now both of these tools are losing their effectiveness, so he tries to increase the voltages...
Mr. Lundy's book has so much good information. Even now, I find myself reading different parts of it. These aren't just lists ... they are signs ... things to look for.
If you are living this life, things are pretty bad ... and as scary as it might be to think about, things could even get worse.
Please take care of yourself.
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