I heard a lot of different terms in the beginning and even though I had heard the words before, I never really had a clear idea of what the terms meant so I decided to look them up. I ran into several good definitions. These are some of the basic characteristics of all three: the abuser, the narcissist and the sociopath. These lists are not meant to replace or even suggest a clinical diagnosis of the man in your life, but these lists might be the first look into what you are dealing with.
You'll notice that they share some of the same characteristics, the biggest of which is that none of them is capable of empathy. That means, no matter how bad he makes you feel, he is not capable of putting himself in your shoes. He lacks the capacity to care about anyone's feelings except his own. Period.
DOES HE LOVE YOU?
An abuser might be addicted to the idea of controlling you but ABUSE is the opposite of LOVE. Abusers can be nice and even kind to the rest of the world while saving their brutality for their partner or children. Narcissists can't love anyone as much as they love themselves. They are eternal 6 year olds. Everything is all about them all the time all the way. Narcissists can put their rage on simmer, but most of the time, they rage at the world. They are arrogant, selfish, haughty and rude to everyone. Sociopaths don't love. They are more charming then the Abuser or the Narcissist, but there's always an angle. Life is a game. They make their own rules. They must win and they don't care who gets hurt as long as they win. The people around them are usually taken in by them and never even know until it's too late that they are being damaged!
IS HE SORRY FOR ABUSING YOU?
Abusers blame their victims and justify or deny their abuse. Narcissism is a personality disorder. Nothing makes sense. Since they are never wrong, they don't expect us to question their actions, and if we do, they'll show us what real abuse is like! Sociopaths are mentally ill. They don't have a conscience. They are not sorry for any harm they cause. A sociopath is only sorry when he gets caught, IF he gets caught. All three will express remorse for just one reason ... to get you to come closer so they can slap you harder next time!
Characteristics of a Batterer / Abuser
- Jealousy
- Controlling behavior
- Quick involvement
- Unrealistic expectations
- Isolation of victim
- Blames others for his problems
- Blames others for his feelings
- Hypersensitivity
- Cruelty to animals or children
- "Playful" use of force during sex
- Verbal abuse
- Rigid sex roles
- Jekyll and Hyde type personality
- History of past battering
- Threats of violence
- Breaking or striking objects
- Any force during an argument
- Objectification of women
- Tight control over finances
- Minimization of the violence
- Manipulation through guilt
- Extremehighs and lows
- Expects her to follow his orders
- Frightening rage
- Use of physical force
- Closed mindedness
- Amoral/conscienceless
- Authoritarian
- Care only about appearances
- Contemptuous
- Critical of others
- Cruel
- Disappointing gift-givers
- Don't recognize own feelings
- Envious and competitive
- Feel entitled
- Flirtatious or seductive
- Grandiose
- Hard to have a good time with
- Hate to live alone
- Hyper-sensitive to criticism
- Impulsive
- Lack sense of humor
- Naive
- Passive
- Pessimistic
- Religious
- Secretive
- Self-contradictory
- Stingy
- Strange work habits
- Unusual eating habits
- Weird sense of time
- Other Characteristics of A Narcissist:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or high status people
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement
- Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own needs
- Lacks empathy Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
- Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.
Profile of A Sociopath
- Glibness/Superficial Charm
- Manipulative and Conning
- Grandiose Sense of Self
- Pathological Lying
- Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
- Shallow Emotions
- Incapacity for Love
- Need for Stimulation
- Callousness / Lack of Empathy
- Poor Behavioral Controls / Impulsive Nature
- Early Behavior Problems / Juvenile Delinquency
- Irresponsibility / Unreliability
- Promiscuous Sexual Behavior / Infidelity
- Lack of Realistic Life Plan
- Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
- Other Related Qualities:
- Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
- Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
- Authoritarian
- Secretive
- Paranoid
- Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
- Conventional appearance
- Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
- Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
- Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love
- Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
- Incapable of real human attachment to another
- Unable to feel remorse or guilt
- Extreme narcissism and grandiose
- May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
The Bottom Line?
I wouldn't want to go camping in the rain with any of these guys!
All three share enough characteristics that you may think an abuser is mean enough to be narcissistic or a narcissist can seem icy enough to be a sociopath. In one of his RAGES, he can seem like the very worst of all three. It doesn't really matter what category your man might fit into most ... All three can be very dangerous to the women who love them.
WILL HE HURT YOU AGAIN?
From the first time he hurts you and finds a way to justify it in his own mind, he has already moved to the next level of cruelty. The next time he hurts you, it will be worse, and he will find a way to justify that too. People either get better or worse. Be honest with yourself. Has he been hurting you more or less? Don't count the "rests" in between temper tantrums. Did he holler louder and hit harder this time? Will you survive next time? How much more can you take? Is it worth it?
DANGER SIGNS IN ABUSIVE MEN*
- He is extremely jealous and possessive.
- His violent behavior and threats have been escalating.
- He follows you, monitors your whereabouts, or stalks you in other ways.
- You are taking steps to end the relationship or have already done so.
- He was violent toward you during one or more of your pregnancies.
- He has been sexually violent toward you.
- He has threatened to kill you or hurt you badly, has choked you, or has threatened you with a weapon.
- He has access to weapons and is familiar with their use.
- He seems obsessed with you.
- He is depressed, suicidal, or show signs of not caring what happens to him.
- He isn't close to anyone.
- He has significant criminal history.
- He uses or threatens violence against other people.
- He abuses substances (alcohol, drugs, prescription meds, steroids, etc.) heavily.
- He has been abusive to children.
- His past violence toward you, or toward other partners, has been frequent or severe.
- He has killed or abused pets, or has other terror tactics.
- He uses pornography.
- He exhibited extreme behaviors when you made previous attempts to leave.
- He is familiar with your routines, the addresses of your friends and relatives, the location of your workplace, or other personal information he can use to locate you.
A small number of abusers who kill or severely injure their partners do so with FEW OR NONE of the above elements known to be present, which is all the more reason to rely ultimately on your own "gut" feelings of how dangerous he is.*
If you are prepared to leave your relationship, safety planning, becomes even more important. If you are afraid of your partner, don't tell him that you are breaking up with him until you have a clear plan and feel that you can inform him in a safe way. Then break all contact with him. Staying out of touch with an abusive ex-partner can be very difficult. The more you are afraid of him, the more tempted you may feel to check up on how he is doing, because in the past your safety may have depended on your constant awareness of his moods and readiness to respondto them. But making contact with him can be very dangerous as he may sound friendly and say that he just wants to see you for one final talk or to say good-bye, and then use that opportunity to attack you physically or sexually.
I have been aware of a few cases where the man made an innocent sounding excuse to get together "just once" and then murdered the woman for having left him. It is natural to have the hope of staying friends with an ex-partner, but this is rarely possible with an abusive man and is absolutely impossible with one who is physically dangerous to you.*
(* This last portion is an excerpt from: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN by Lundy Bancroft)
How long can you love a man that can't love you back?
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