When Aydan's "other tricks" to control me quit working, he started to talk about suicide. I had already wondered if a relationship with Aydan was worth all the trouble? It wasn't fun being around someone who was always in a bad mood and always complaining about something ... boring work, stupid friends, demanding family, loud neighbors, dirty house, crummy truck, chronic aches and pains and me ...
Nothing Aydan had been saying was making any sense. One minute he'd be telling me he loved me and he wanted us to work things out and the next, he was saying he hated me and he wished I was dead ... or that he couldn't see me anymore until ... (the rest of that sentence changed daily because there was always a new demand). I mostly tried to leave him alone, figuring he'd come to his senses, but he just seemed to get worse. When his phone calls and emails starting including talk of suicide, I rolled my eyes at first, but each one got more and more serious. I don't remember the exact words that compelled me to get involved, but I did ...
IF I HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN,
I WOULD HAVE JUST CALLED 911
AND REPORTED
THAT AYDAN HAD THREATENED SUICIDE AND
LET THE PROFESSIONALS DEAL WITH IT.
I drove over to his house on a Sunday afternoon. When I got there, Aydan came to the door looking awful. His face was swollen, he had dark circles under his eyes, and hadn't bathed or shaved all weekend. He said he had passed out.
We talked on the porch for a while until it got buggy. He asked me inside. His house stunk. There were dirty dishes everywhere. The garbage was full of beer cans and there was an empty liquor bottle on the table. He offered me a beer, drank his and then drank "mine".
We talked in circles, as usual. Every time I tried to get back to talking about him, he'd change the subject. He got more and more uncomfortable. He seemed to be more interested in what was on TV and someone he was going to "meet" on the internet... (He claimed to be talking commodities, but after the fact, I think now that he was meeting some woman.) I told him I had taken enough of his time and I really should be going. He stopped me from leaving by asking, "What do you want from me?"
I said, "I just want some peace. I can accept you not loving me anymore, but I wish you didn't have to hate me."
That made him mad. Peace? How dare I ask for peace when I was abandoning him! He wanted to hurt me so he said, "I just hate that you ruined my chances with the most beautiful woman in the world." (he was talking about an ex-stripper that he imagined to be interested in him ... he always threw her up in my face when he hoped to make me jealous).
I said, "Oh, for goodness sake. I've had enough of this nonsense. We are both better than this. You never cared about that woman and she never cared about you. You can try pushing whatever buttons you want to. They aren't going to work anymore. Take it back, Aydan." He smirked and said something even more hateful and I got up and faced him like I would a child and said, "Take that back!" That infuriated him. He jumped up and tried to pick me up and throw me out of his house. I had gotten pretty good at "spinning out of his grip" and I said, "I don't have my shoes or my keys! I'm not leaving until you take that back!"
Now, here's where I should have gotten my keys and shoes and left, but I still thought, at that moment, that we could talk it through, and at least, say good-bye in a nice way. I was wrong.
Aydan went into the other room. I thought he left to chill out, get a beer, put on a shirt, or go to the bathroom ... but never did I imagine that he went in the other room to load a shotgun!!! My heart sank when I heard the sound of a shotgun being pumped in the kitchen. He came around the corner with the gun and my first thought was, "Well, I believe I have just lost this argument!"
I was afraid to look up at him, afraid to confront him ... Idid say, "Aw Aydan, put the gun away ..." He was hollering and waving it around. He showed me the gun, the chamber, the red shell, and through his spitting and red-faced screaming, he said first, that he was going to kill himself, second, that he was going to kill me and then himself, and finally that he was going to make me take him to Joey's house (my ex-husband and the man he imagined to be the source of our relationship problems) and kill him and then kill me. I looked down and watched his movements from the corner of my eye, but when he said he wanted me to take him to Joey, I looked up. The fact that I hadn't looked up when he threatened himself and me, but I looked up when he threatened Joey made him go NUTS! He flew across the room and turned the barrel of the gun sideways against my throat. Aydan was using the gun to push me against the back of the couch and the wall. The gun was choking me so I put my hands up to push the barrel away. Aydan almost smiled and said as calmly as that guy in "Natural Born Killers", "Careful, Darlin', your hand is close to the trigger and I wouldn't want you to shoot up my house or kill a neighbor!" He seemed so calm and so evil, I started to cry. I was sure, at that moment, that he was going to kill me.
Aydan screamed, "DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?" I whispered yes. He screamed "I REPEAT. ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY?" I whispered no. He held the gun to my throat with his right hand and hit me with his left hand. He screamed, "DID I JUST HIT YOU?" I whispered yes. He screamed, "DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?" I whispered no. He hollered "IS THIS LOVE TO YOU?" I said louder and more firmly, NO SIR, IT IS NOT!
DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?
ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY?
(He hit me)
DID I JUST HIT YOU?
DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?
IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?
I started to cry again. I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be praying when I go! I started to pray out loud, "Lord, I just ask you to surround us with a legion of angels and protect us both. I ask you to cover this house and everything in it with the blood of Jesus. Please send your Spirit ..." I thought about my kids, my grandkids, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters and ... and I thought about Joey. If I was going to die anyway, NO WAY was I going to help Aydan kill anyone else!
Everything started to move in SLOW MOTION. Aydan backed up a little bit, but he kept hollering. I don't know what he said. I was too scared. I was thinking about my kids and wondering what would happen to them without me. Aydan was waving the gun around and when the point of it seemed to be pointing at me I put my arm up and pushed it to the left or the right. My arms were like lead. I was afraid to move. Every time I peeked at Aydan, his face was red with anger ... his eyes were bugged out and he was spitting all over the place when he hollered. I couldn't believe this was "my Aydan" ... He acted like a man possessed!
At one point, I put my arm up to push the gun to the side and he grabbed my arm and pulled me up. He told me to GET OUT. I couldn't move! I was afraid that if I turned my back on him, he would shoot me, because all the other times, he only hit me or pushed me when I turned my back on him. I kept looking down. I saw my shoes ... My keys were on the table.
From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I totally got that my life was being threatened. Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself and I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... the lie that it was MY JOB to stop him from killing himself ... a thousand things passed through my mind until the one defining thought:
WELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, TAYLOR, WAKE UP! DO YOU DESERVE TO DIE ... BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY RIGHT NOW! WAKE UP!!!
I woke up! It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time. Of course, I saw his anger. It was all over the place! Maybe, I could run?
Maybe it was my prayer? Maybe, Aydan didn't really think he'd get away with killing me? Maybe, for no other reason than even the worst storms end, he suddenly got quiet, backed off and emptied the shell or shells to the floor. I thought the gun held five shells but I didn't know how many shells were in the gun or how many fell. My ears were ringing. I think I counted to five ... not five shells ... just to five ... and when I got to five, I slid my feet into my shoes, grabbed my keys and I ran! I ran for my life! I ran away from that bad guy!
I got in my car and backed up the opposite way from what I usually did just in case he was behind me. I drove out of his driveway so fast, I almost wrecked the car when I turned unto the main road. I was crying so hard, I almost overshot the first stop sign and swerved off the road twice.
I kept going ... I was absolutely terrified. I was afraid Aydan might follow me so I drove as fast as I could away from his house. About 10 minutes down the road, my cell phone rang. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I flipped the phone open and saw it was him. I hesitated and realized if he was on the phone from his house, he couldn't follow me, so I took the call. I was crying so hard, I couldn't talk and I couldn't make sense out of anything he was trying to say. I over shot a turn and told myself I needed to get it together. I snapped the phone closed, tossed it on the passenger seat and put both hands on the wheel.
I needed to concentrate on the road. I had driven this road a hundred timesor more ... nothing new ... calm down ... I'm going to be okay ... calm down ... breath ...
The phone rang again when I was on the Interstate. I took the call. It was Aydan again. I listened to him and I cried. I said I was sorry I had even come over that day. I had wanted to find peace, but obviously, that wasn't ever going to happen! He said he wanted me. He said he wanted us to get through this. He said he had too much anger and it scared him too. He said he needed to get his head together. He said he loved me and I cried. I told him people don't hold guns on people they love. He said he was sorry he had hurt me. He didn't mean those things. They weren't true. I told him I was sorry that I had caused him so much hurt that a gun was the only way he could settle it. I ended the conversation somewhere near my house. I drove up to my house and realized I was a "sitting duck" if Aydan decided to come over so I left and drove around my neighborhood for hours. I thought about what had happened, listened to music, and wondered what would happen to me? At 2 or 3 in the morning, I was too tired to worry about much of anything anymore. I drove by the house 3-4 times to make sure that no one was there and when I was pretty sure no one was, I drove up the driveway, parked the car, and let myself in the house. I disarmed and armed the alarm system. I was home. I undressed in the dark. I just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head. I'd worry about what to do tomorrow ...
The next morning, I had an e-mail from Aydan:
"Nothing is right. I am not happy. You are not happy. We both are too busy defying each other to appreciate each other. I want things done without having to ask, and you do too. I no longer trust you. I no longer believe you. I am sorry. I can't see you this way. Things that needed to happen didn't, and the things that shouldn't have happened did. I am sorry. It's all my fault. Love, Aydan"
Later that day, I called an old friend of mine with the sheriff's office. Heencouraged me to report Aydan. I said, "That will just make him more angry!" He said, "Well, maybe so, but he might get more angry anyway and law enforcement can't protect you if they don't know what's going on." He asked me why I didn't go to the police the night before and I told him I was too scared. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to talk to a know-it-all rookie cop, fresh out of academy with no people skills ... He said, "Let me see who's at the desk and I'll call you back." He called me back and told me to go talk to Jenson ... Jensen was a good guy.
I packed some clothes ... some toiletries ... How hard can it be? I couldn't do the simplest task! I must have packed and repacked 3 or 4 times ... I loaded the car, got my dog and her stuff and headed out to a friend's, realizing that Aydan would be getting off work soon ... and I needed to be somewhere else before he got off work ...
I called my friend and she went with me to the police station ... I filed the initial report. Aydan was arrested and charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature. When they gave him his one free phone call, he called me!
"Hey, I'm at the jailhouse ... it's um ... (directions) ... and I'm going to need some help getting out. I think I already told you I ain't got that kinda money ... and ah ... some people ain't got enough gas (money) to even go to church ... Remember? That story? ... so ... Maybe I can contribute something to charity later if you get me out? I appreciate it. It's three in the morning ... uh ... I'll be processed within the hour (long pause) This is my only phone call. Thank you."
Did he really think the person who had him arrested would come and bail him out? Does that make any sense? It didn't to me, but apparently, lots of women report their boyfriends, husbands or partners and a few hours later, they are exactly the same ones to go pick them up ... not me! I didn't want Aydan to go to jail, but I was too afraid to go anywhere near him.
He was ordered not totalkto me, as if a court order would stop him from doing what he wanted to do! He had two of his friends call me. They told me Aydan was beside himself with grief ... that he wanted all of this to be over with so he and I could get married! What a lie! I asked them WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Give me a break. A week before, Aydan had said he hated me and wished I was dead and now, he's telling his boss and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and he wanted us to "work everything out"?!!! I've had some bizarre proposals and propositions before, but this one takes the cake! I told them I wasn't the first woman Aydan had abused, but maybe, this would cause him to get some help and I might be the last? I told them there wasn't anything I could do about a felony charge between the state and Aydan, and even if there was something I could do, I'm not sure I would. Aydan had hurt me! He scared the hell out of me with that gun! I wanted Aydan to get help!
I just kept asking myself over and over again ... WHY?
THE BIG WHY???
Why did he think he needed a gun?
Is he hurting too? Is he sorry? Does it matter? Would it change anything?
THE ANSWER
What we are meant to know
will be revealed to us
without any effort on our part.
We are wise to trust the soul's timing
as well as it's methods
regarding such disclosures.
Now, I know that he went to get the gun because nothing else he did was getting my attention. He was losing control over me and that IS a crime punishablebydeath, in his mind. He considered me HIS property. How dare I abandon him! Who did I think I was?
In fact, shades of that show in HIS description of that night. He glosses over screaming at me, hitting me, holding the gun to my throat and threatening my life by saying that "he came into the room and handed me the gun and told me to shoot him or leave. I chose to leave!" He NEVER handed me that gun! What a JOKE!
Is he sorry? NO.
Did he just lose control? NO. He never let go of the gun once, and was in control enough to caution me that I could accidentally fire the gun and shoot a neighbor.
Did he black out, as his friend suggested? NO. At no time did he lose consciousness.
Were his actions calculated and planned? NO, I didn't think so, but just yesterday, we read:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit.
Could that be true? Maybe? Aydan had threatened "to shoot me if I ever ..." way before he walked in the room with the gun. I never took it seriously. Who could be serious about a thing like that? At least, that's what I told myself back then. Since then, I learned that Aydan has threatened other women with guns before ... Maybe, he was more calculating than I thought?
A game of cat and mouse
is much different
for the cat than it is for the mouse!
Have you ever called the police when things got too crazy? Did you want him to go to jail or did you just want the abuse to stop? Did you ever notice how calm he got as soon as the police got there? Did you notice that no matter how bad it was, it only took him seconds to recover and blame the whole thing on you?
It wasn'tmy fault that I was abused!
It's not your fault that you were abused!
It never was.
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