Abuse doesn't start with physical violence. An abuser can do just as much damage and establish "his control" by tearing away at your mind and spirit before he ever harms your body.
In the September, 2004 issue of OPRAH Magazine, toward the back is an article about abuse:
- He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
- He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
- He wants your undivided attention.
- He must always be in charge.
- He always has to win.
- He breaks promises all the time.
- He can't take criticism and always justifies his actions.
- He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
- He's jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
- He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
- He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
- He has a mean temper.
- He often says you don't know what you're talking about.
- He makes you feel like you're not good enough.
- He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
- He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.
The article in the magazine says ... THESE MEN DON'T COME WITH WARNING LABELS ... That's the TRUTH!!! But that list of red flags is a good place to start! Another book breaks down the abuse:
LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU
by Beverly Engel
Ms. Engel breaks down the various forms of abuse and the effect of that abuse.
Emotional Abuse
There are many ways of being abused without anyone laying a hand on you. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. Whether it is done by constant berating or belittling, by intimidation, by manipulation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching", the results are similar. Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.
Domination
Those who have a need to dominate have to have their own way - insisting on making all the decisions, not allowing the other person to have an opinion or speak their mind. Men who dominate also need to be in charge, and because of this they often try to control their partner's every action.
Unreasonable Expectations
When your partner's needs and expectations are unreasonable, you can never win. It is unreasonable for a man to expect that you will put everything aside to satisfy his every whim. It is unreasonable for someone to expect that you will put up with selfishness, constant demands, and ingratitude indefinitely. The more you give him, the more permission you give him to find fault in you!
This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image. Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal.
Blaming
A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else's fault. This person never admits to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong. He will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did ... Women with a damaged sense of self are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. It's almost automatic to look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships. She is the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made. This gives a blamer ample ammunition to use against her in the future. The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerable as the reasons for his poor behavior.
Constant Criticism
When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unrelentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. This type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of worth. Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up.
Emotional Blackmail
Emotional Blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciouslycoerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion. Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes and feelings ahead of their own. You are being emotionally blackmailed when a man threatens to end a relationship if you don't give him what he wants,or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands. If your partner gives you the "cold shoulder" whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail.
The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally blackmailed:
- Your Partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.
- Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for him.
- Your partner threatens to leave you if you don't change.
True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:
- It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
- The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
- The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.
- The person has an overall attitude of disrespect towards you, rather than just not liking something specific you are doing.
Don't allow your partner to
verbally, emotionally or physically
abuse you.
Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore) or telling you are stupid, ugly, fat or insane.
Emotional abuse is trying to make you think you are crazy, threatening to end the relationship if you don't do as he says, or threatening to hit you if you don't be quiet.
Physical abuse includes hitting, punching, pushing, tripping, or dragging. It also includes breaking down doors, putting his fist through windows, breaking dishes, or throwing things at you.
Tactics of intimidation are forms of abuse, even if he doesn't physically touch you. Don't tolerate these tactics. Call them what they are:
ABUSE.
Okay ... you are willing to say
if only to yourself,
that you are being abused ...
Now what?
Get the September, 2004 article if you can or check out the link below (Getting out, Safely is a link to Oprah's site). If any of that
Getting Out, Safely
Oprah's site has good information. The most important thing is for you (and your children) to be safe.
Are you in a safe place?
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE
... which provides 24-hour crisis intervention and referrals to local services. You can also look in the government pages of the phone book, ask at the hospital, or call 911 to find agencies and shelters in your area. The staff at the Shelter will be able to suggest options for safe housing, community resources, counseling, legal advocates, and support groups.
Caution: Be careful if you call from a phone that you share with your abuser. If you phone a lawyer, shelter, hotline, or service agency, hang up and immediately dial the local time or some other innocuous number so that your partner can't use *69 or the redial button to trace the call. If you have caller ID, make sure to erase all incoming numbers that could tip him off.
Caution: Be careful if you use a computer that you share with your abuser. You should also be careful going on the Internet. It's safest to use a computer your partner doesn't have access to (at work, the public library). Otherwise, cover your tracks by deleting "cookies"(once you're online, go to the Help box, click on Index, and find Cookies for instructions) and recently visited Web sites (you'll need to clear your History list and empty your Cache files again, go to Help option for details). Here are some things to think about and arrange when creating a safety plan for yourself. Take steps to increase your financial self-reliance. Establish your own checking account, one separate from that of your partner. Establish credit in your own name, if you can do so safely. Try to establish an emergency fund and add to it whenever possible. Maintain close contact with family, friends, and neighbors. Establish a code in case an emergency arises (i.e. If you call and use an agreed upon word that signals you're in danger). Keep copies of all-important records with a friend or family member. Birth certificates, social security cards, immunization records, insurance policies, car titles, bank account records, blank checks, mortgage information, health insurance cards, etc. Keep a suitcase packed. You can leave it with someone so that your partner won't find it. Keep a set of car keys hidden, preferably outside somewhere, or in a magnetic case on the car. If you leave by car, lock the car doors as soon as you get in. Plan what to do before a violent incident occurs. Leave the room or the home if your partner becomes violent. Have an escape route planned to get out of the house. Know where a safe place is and arrange with a trusted person for transportation to get you there. Call the police if necessary to help you with the children and know other emergency numbers to call. If you have injuries, go directly to the hospital. If you work outside he home, give your employer basic information and instructions not to tell your partner of your plans and to call the police if he comes to your workplace. Leave instructions with your children's school, day care, or baby-sitter that you are the only person who will pick the children up. Make it clear that the children are never to leave with anyone but you.
Caution: If you are thinking about leaving, do not tell your abuser you are going to leave! It has taken him YEARS to break you in! You don't think he's just going to let you leave that easy, do you? You have to have a plan.
Do you have a safety plan?
Do you realize you are not responsible for the violence?
Violence is a choice. The person using violence is the person who chose it. That person is responsible for the choice. You do not deserve to be abused. You do not deserve to be hurt even if you argue, complain, or refuse to do something your partner wants you to do. It is not your fault even if you were drinking or using drugs-even if you made a big mistake.
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There is nothing you can do that would justify abuse.
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You did not ask to be abused when you chose your partner.
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You have a right to be safe.
Provided courtesy of Middle Way House
Mailing address: P.O. Box 95, Bloomington, IN 47402 - (812) 336-0846
Most of all, take care of yourself ... one day at a time. It won't be easy, especially at first ... but keep going. It will be easier. The further you get away from the constant name calling, nagging, demeaning, complaining, bad moods and foul temper tantrums ... the easier it is to keep going!
It's been over 2 years since I was actively involved in this abusive relationship. My former abuser still IMAGINES that he actually rescues his victims from an even worse fate than his treatment of us and he only "corrected" any of us "for our own good". Aydan see himself as a "good, honest man" who has had to teach us women the difference between right and wrong, as in ... he is ALWAYS RIGHT and we are ALWAYS WRONG!
It is such a RELIEF to have outgrown that place ... BUT just because I am stronger does NOT mean that I will allow myself to let down my guard down where he is concerned. People either get better or they get worse. Every time he abuses a woman, he goes a little further. I consider him armed and dangerous. He is too easily provoked!
The best I can do for myself and my family is take care of me. The best thing you can do to take care of yourself and your family is ...
Take care of YOU !!!
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