That Sunday was the last time I saw Aydan, other than in court. I don't know how you feel about going to law enforcement. The legal process is long and tedious.
Truthfully, it can be as tough on the victim as the abuse was. The law gives the perpetrator so many chances to prove themselves INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY that the victims often feel forgotten and neglected.
Don't give up.
Understand that the legal system is like a game. It has rules. The bad guys know the rules. Most victim's are just beginning to learn them. Law enforcement has a job to do. Their main function is to locate criminal activity and arrest it. To law enforcement, everyone is suspect, even victims!
Lawyers are employed to defend either him or you. They can't afford to get emotionally "involved" because it actually hurts their ability to defend you if they are too emotional.
Some judges are sympathetic to victims, but other judges have seen so much that they can become hardened to the same old stories. One judge may look you in the eye and you can tell he cares. Another judge can look past you like you are just another number.
First, if you decide to charge your abuser, he will be arrested. Don't forget. My abuser actually called me from the jail to come and bail him out! You would be surprised how many ladies do! You might be tempted. I wasn't. I had already drawn a line ... a boundary. When I went to the police, I was sending a very clear message:
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IS ILLEGAL AND A CRIME. I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR. I AM HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR.
Most abusers only start to learn when they are held accountable!
"Once the abuser is released from jail following arraignment, he typically devotes all his efforts to achieving the following goals:
1. persuading the woman to drop the charges and not to testify if charges do proceed;
2. receiving the lightest possible consequences from the court."
-Lundy Bancroft, author of:
WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
INSIDE THE MINDS of ANGRY and CONTROLLING MEN
A friend said I didn't play his "game". The "game" is where he gets to abuse you, call you names, slap you around "a little" ... you call the law ... the law comes ... you run to the jailhouse and get him out ... beg HIS forgiveness ... kiss and make-up so that tomorrow night, he can abuse you AGAIN and call you names AGAIN and slap you around "a little" AGAIN ... and you call the law AGAIN ... and the law comes AGAIN ... you run to the jailhouse and get him out AGAIN ... beg his forgiveness AGAIN ... and kiss and make up so that the night after that ... Are you seeing a pattern here yet?!!! I'm glad I didn't play THAT game! It doesn't look like women fair too well in that "game"!
If you are caught in that never ending tape loop, PLEASE GET OUT! You deserve better, girlfriend. The fact that you have put up with a jerk proves you have a HEART that is BIG ENOUGH for a real life!
Two or three months after the original arraignment (depending on the court schedule), there will be a preliminary hearing. I wasn't there. They said I didn't have to be. They told me his lawyer was good one. That's good. He would need to be. They said his attorney would attack me. He didn't. It wouldn't have worked anyway.
I'M NOT AFRAID
to admit the truth - bare my soul- confess my sins
IS HE?
In our state, there was a Grand Jury Hearing next. Grand Jury Hearings are private. Victims and Abusers do not attend this hearing. The solicitor's office and the abuser's defense attorney appear before a panel of citizens and present the facts of the case. The Grand Jury then decides if there is enough evidence or the case is strong enough to go forward. In my case, there was.
I met with the solicitor's office, law enforcement, and victim's advocates several times in the next eight months. The point of those meetings was to assist them in preparing for the case. They may also interview you to get you ready to testify in court. It's overwhelming. I often left and cried when I got to my car. I questioned many times whether it was worth it. I always came to the same place.
If I didn't stick up for myself and stand up to this man, who would?
I felt alone. I felt like I was the only person who had ever gone through this! I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I was ashamed. I was MAD ...
In our state, the solicitor's office has several resources to offer victims. There are women's shelters. Most states have funds to help victims with medical bills. You may also qualify for free counseling with a certified therapist. There are abuse recovery groups or twelve step programs in most cities.
Some courts provide victims advocates. It is my personal experience that advocates are young and inexperienced, but they mean well and they do want to help. Most victims just want to be heard. We want respect. Victims take EVERY THING personally because we are VICTIMS. A skilled advocate can take some of the bite out of the legal system and the inevitable outcome by simply telling a victim:
This won't be the easiest thing you have ever done, but it will be worth it. I will be here for you and if I can't help you with something, I will help you find someone who can. I believe you and I am on your side.
No matter what happens, you are standing up to your abuser and sending a very clear message that abuse is wrong. Abusers do not change unless someone stands up to them. Every time a woman stands against an abuser, you are making things safer for yourself, your family, your community, your state and the world. You are very brave. I admire your courage.
I started being my own advocate. I made sure I talked to the police and the detectives face to face. I met with the solicitor's office several times. I talked to my family and close friends. I started working on my own healing so that I could recover and so that I would be stronger for court.
It wasn't easy. At one point, I decided to "bag" the whole thing and I called Aydan on his cell phone. I told him that I was going to try to get the charges dropped. He screamed,
"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I WANT YOU TO ASSEMBLE THE ENTIRE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT, FROM THE OFFICE STAFF TO THE SHERIFF HIMSELF ALONG WITH ALL OUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES AND PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE FOR HUMILIATING ME!"
Say what?!!!
I said, "Even if I could get that done, I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE. You brought all this on yourself when you threatened me with a loaded gun!"
He said, "Don't ever call me again, or I will have you put in jail for harassment."
Instead of meeting my offer with thankfulness or relief, he simply issued another impossible demand to "assemble the entire sheriff's department"! Instead of showing one ounce of remorse or sadness for what he had DONE, he was "humiliated" for being CAUGHT! Instead of an apology, he issued a threat ... much like all the other threats, "I'm going to put you in jail because you put me in jail. How does that feel?"
I wavered many times. I struggled with my feelings. I don't think any woman ever really wants to put her ex-boyfriend, husband, insignifigant other in jail ... Most women just want the abuse to stop! BUT, how is it going to stop if he doesn't learn? And how is he going to learn if no one ever holds him accountable? In the end, I felt I had no choice but to continue.
I turned over every e-mail, every instant message transcript, every phone call, all my phone bills and answered every private question I was asked by law enforcement and the solicitor's office. In the beginning, I was reluctant to speak about things I considered private, but by the end of it, I had already felt so exposed, I answered whatever questions I was asked.
I made no excuses and offered no explanations. Things were the way they were.
If you go to court, there is only one way to testify. Answer whatever questions you are asked with short, clear answers. Don't offer anything extra. If you aren't sure what you are being asked, ask them to repeat their question. If it doesn't "feel right", look to your attorney or the judge for guidance. Either will direct you appropriately. Answer one question at a time. It won't be easy. His lawyer will want to attack you. It's not personal. It's his job. Always keep in mind that his attorney is trying to shoot holes in your story ... but the last thing his attorney wants to do is make you cry in front of the jury, so as hard as he pushes, he won't push you too far ...
Maintain dignity. This is your day in court too. You aren't the one on trial. He is. No matter what the outcome is, you had the strength to stand up to him, and I'm proud of you for being so brave. I know how hard it is.
PLEADING GUILTY
I heard Aydan was pleading guilty to a lesser charge
but at least,
he admitted GUILT to something!
Actually, Aydan refused to say the word GUILTY in front of me! He would only say NO CONTEST which means the same thing as GUILTY but he made his attorney say the "GUILTY word". Everyone in the courtroom knew he was guilty. I have no idea what he was thinking at that moment. I only know that men who abuse women (or children) are criminals and ALL CRIMINALS LIE. Yours will too. The reason lawyers and judges don't jump up and yell LIAR (like you and I might be tempted to) is because they have heard it all before. They EXPECT your abuser to deny that he did anything wrong. Don't let what he says sidetrack you. You KNOW the truth. The LAWYERS know the truth. The JUDGE knows the truth. He isn't fooling anybody but himself.
I had to monitor criminal court the next day for work and it was eye-opening to watch the orange suited prisoners say the very same things that Aydan had. I never understood why the lawyersand judges looked so BORED, but it's because they hear denials and fabricated stories all the time. It's amazing to me how the CRIMINAL thinks he is being clever and unique, but in truth, it's like they all are talking from the very same script. Someone should tell us victims that. It makes the denial less victimizing.
The "bad guys" blame the victim or their childhood or their lack of sleep or they were sick (they got that right!) and just in case blaming the victim doesn't work, they'll throw in a hundred reasons why NOTHING could have happened. It's almost as if they are saying, "Your Honor, I don't know how it could have happened, but that CRAZY PERSON ran backwards into my knife fifteen times in a row before he finally died!"
I made you smile at that one, didn't I?
Translate your story into CRIMINAL WORDS because those are the words he'll use in court. Maybe, they pass out manuals in jail over cornbread and beans?!!!
(LAUGHING OUT LOUD)
He's still out there telling anyone who'll listen that I lied about what he did.
He wasn't much of a man when he abused me.
He became a criminal when he pulled that gun on me.
Just like a criminal, he denied everything he did.
ALL CRIMINALS SAY THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!
No one believes him.
We just think he's pitiful.
Standing up to him legally will cast a shadow of doubt over him that he can never outrun or talk his way out of for the rest of his life.
I didn't really want to be the one to send him to jail, but I don't mind being the one that holds the door open for the next time, and I am certain there will be a next time. He hasn't gotten any help, and without help, he will continue to be an abuser.
I have heard that he was seeing a girl recently and she had stood him up for a date. That would be exactly the kind of thing that would set Aydan off. He told the story to one of his friends this way, "I was supposed to meet this girl and when she didn't show up, I was concerned that something might have happened to her. I went to her house twice and banged on the door, but I couldn't even knock her door down and save her life because someone might call the cops and I would go to jail for trying to save the poor girl's life."
I laughed when I heard the story. His account didn't make any sense at all ... she didn't show up for a date and all of the sudden, he had to "save the poor girl's life"? I am so thankful NOT to be the woman he RAGES on anymore.
I saw that taking Aydan to court DID make a difference!
In our state, second or third offenses for domestic violence are met with much stiffer fines and penalties, even jail time. Aydan doesn't want to go to jail, so the fact that he has a criminal record has forced him to modify his behavior.
Good! He needed to!
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