... So We Can See How Far We Have Come!
I was inspired this week! I realized this week that if one copy of this journal could help this many women on AOL ... then four copies could reach that many more! I am publishing 4 JOURNALS at the same time now ... Since three new ones are beginning on other servers, I will be repeating the beginning of my story here on AOL (AOL is where I wrote my original journal).
I will continue to write the things I am learning now (Recovery is an on-going process) and add them at the end of this review. That way, all four sites will be the same everyday ... which will make it more convenient for readers to follow, no matter which site they choose to use.
No abuser wants his/her (I say it that way because men get abused too) victim to actually talk about what he did! The man who abused me told me to delete this journal or he would! That's NOT his choice! This isn't Aydan's story anymore! In fact, two years later, he is barely a footnote in my life!
Of course, I have not used his real name. Any similarity between my story and someone else's is actually one of the strange coincidences about abusive men ... abusers seem to call us the same names ... hit us all in the same way ... play the same dirty tricks ... I think they are similar because, when each of them thinks of the worst thing they can do, they all scoop from the bottom of the same barrel.
I have earned the right to share my journey with you! I paid the price. I served my time in his hell. I fought my way out. I did the work. I SURVIVED.
<FONTCOLOR=#000000>I moved way past Aydan. It is not typical to tell you before the story is through that my story does have a happy ending, but I want you to know that there is hope for all of us. There is light at the end of the tunnel for all victims. We just have to keep moving forward ... through the dark to the other side.
I was blessed to have the support of really good people. One of the most supportive people then and now was Joey. He never let me give up. He believed in me. He came to me as a friend ... my BEST friend ... and after years apart, we married for the second time! Choosing to walk with someone through such a dark place is a story in itself and I will share that part of the story with you later. I promise.
I am mentioning it now because neither of us would want you to think that Joey was the man who abused me! When I decided to make my story more public so that it could reach more people, Joey and I talked about things that were important to us. Joey shares my commitment to use what we have learned to help people who are still out there.
We don't have anything to prove to Aydan or anyone else that says, "Shhh! Don't talk about those things!" because we remember ...
I remember ...
I remember feeling trapped. I remember what it was like to walk on eggshells. I remember my stomach churning when Aydan's tone of voice changed or he got that look in his eye. I remember being so nervous. I remember not being able to eat. I remember not being able to sleep because the nightmares were even worse than the nightmare I was living. I remember being afraid of Aydan.
I remember being afraid to tell anyone.
I remember feeling embarrassed.
I remembered wondering what people would think if they knew.
I remember.
I know you are out there. I know. I know you are scared. I know you don't know what to do. I know he or she tells you that you are no good and that everything is all your fault. I know that he or she keeps everything so confusing that sometimes you don't know which way is up. I know it feels like being lost in the dark.
I don't have all the answers. I'm just one woman ... who found a way out of that dark place. I will be writing about finding my way out ... Maybe, something will help you?
I hope so because I am writing for you.
I don't care what people think! I know some people won't understand us. I know some people don't want to believe us because they are still in denial ... Maybe, they were abused? Maybe, they are abusing someone else? Maybe, they have turned their back on a sister or a friend because the abuse was just too hard to watch? How people react isn't always about you. I remember, in the beginning, I just wanted someone to hear me.
I believe you.
I'm not turning my back on you! I'm here. I'm sending help in the only way I know how. I'm sending you the words that helped me to heal. I'm sending you the wisdom of people much smarter than me. I'm not judging you or telling you what to do. I'm sending you love and prayers and encouragement.
There is a way out!
It doesn't matter how you got here. It doesn't matter what your abuser says! He is WRONG! You are a good person. You have a big heart and so much to give. You don't deserve the abuse! It's not your fault! Sweetie, it never was! Let's talk about how you can end the abuse in your life ... Until then,
No matter what,
Take Care Of YOU!
No comments:
Post a Comment