I met Aydan at the end of my second marriage. I was disillusioned with a lot of things and depressed about the way things had turned out. I had nagging questions about men and my choices. When my first marriage failed, I didn't have too much problem thinking it was mostly his fault. When my second marriage failed, I really began to wonder what part I played in failing relationships ... My self esteem was at an all time low.
I would have no way of knowing it at the time, but I was exactly the kind of woman Aydan prefers. He looks for women who are vulnerable. He usually likes younger girls because they are easier for him to control. He looks for people who have been abused or who are down on their luck or, in my case, women who are just breaking up from someone else because he gets to play the hero and rescuer ... for a little while.
Aydan seemed like a breath of fresh air! He was so attentive. He'd had years of learning how to say the right things. He seemed empathetic. He listened to me and even encouraged me to talk. I found myself sharing all my insecurities and secrets. He really seemed to care and he was so interested! I thought he was such a good listener, but he was really taking inventory of the things that had hurt me most, so he could use them against me later!
At first, he presented himself as a womanizer, describing sexual exploits with other women in a playful way. When he saw that I wasn't impressed and wasn't willing to share my own sexual experiences, he told a mutual friend that I was uptight.
He wasn't getting the reaction he had hoped for so he tried a new tactic and adjusted the stories he told me.
Aydan shared sadder stories about his past ... He told me his parents were "stupid people". He told me his friends at work made foolish choices and they "constantly needed his guidance". He told me about his first marriage, how she was "unwilling to leave her mother" and how she had managed to "tragically take his only son away from him". He said she was "mentally ill". He told me about his second marriage. She was much younger than he was and also needed "his constant supervision". He often felt he had to correct her, and one time, hollered at her all the way back from a wedding three states away! He told me about a girlfriend who had "cheated on him and ran over him with a car" when he confronted her. He said she was a "pathological liar".
You can tell a lot about a person by how they tell their own life story.
Does he blame other people? One day, he'll blame you too! Does he use derogatory comments and name calling? One day, that's how he'll talk about you! Is he the hero in every story? Does he ever talk about what he's learned or a mistake he's made? How does he talk about his friends and family? How does he treat children? How does he treat old people? How did he treat the waitress on your last date? Is he kind most of the time, or only if he wants something?
At the time, I felt sorry for him, which is exactly why he told me the stories the way he told them. Finally! He was getting a reaction that he could use! He wanted me to feel sorry for him! He told me he was thrilled to finally meet a real woman that wasn't like the rest. I fell right into his "plan". I was happy to be different from all the others ... It made me feel special. I knew I was a good woman and I loved the idea of making such a big difference in Aydan's life.
Red Flag!
I did end up checking out Aydan's stories later. His first wife that couldn't "get away from her mother" was TERRIFIED. Aydan abused her and she often ran to her mother and brothers for protection from his angry outbursts. Because of his behavior, she was able to get the court to order supervised visitation and because Aydan was humiliated by the suggestion that he needed to be supervised, he refused to see his son at all! He also refused to support his son financially. His son ended up calling someone else Dad ... which of course, Aydan blamed on her. Of course it couldn't have been because Aydan had abandoned his son and never spent any time with him.
His second wife told me that he wouldn't let her leave the house without him. She was not even allowed to use the bathroom with the door shut! He often told her in the heat of arguments that he would kill her if she ever left him. I asked her about the wedding story. Instead of being the victim of humiliation like he had said, he humiliated her, embarrassed her entire family and nearly ruined the wedding with his bad attitude. Her family begged her to stay with them instead of returning home with him. Aydan had cried and apologized and she ended up going home with him, only to be screamed at for four hours on the trip back. She literally had to flee from the home and go into hiding to get away from him. She never had him charged with domestic violence and divorced him through an attorney because she was afraid of confronting him directly. Nearly 15 years later, she still sleeps with a gun and has nightmares.
The girlfriend who ran over him with the car? She had a different story to tell too. She said she had liked the fact that he was a musician but as time went by, she realized how crazy he was, and it scared her. He had verbally and physically assaulted her several times ... infact her arm and shoulder still hurt from one of their last fights that happened years ago. She said, "He even tells people that I ran over him with a car! The truth is he showed up and started threatening me, and when I tried to leave, he jumped in front of my car and threw himself on the hood! He rolled off and I left." She called him a repeat offender.
I spent the better part of three years angry with these women for turning "poor Aydan" against women and making it so hard on me to have a good relationship with such a hurt man! I can't count the times he would lose his temper and then, apologize, "I'm sorry. You reminded me of (fill in the blank) when she hurt me and I'm so afraid of being hurt like that again ..."
After I filed charges against Aydan, these women were the most supportive, encouraging me to do what they wished they had done.
Back to my story ...
In the beginning, I felt like Aydan and I were getting closer every time we talked. It felt good to be so open. It seemed like we agreed about everything! He was so masculine and yet, so sensitive, always seeming to know the right things to say to make me feel better.
In fact, he was SO FLATTERING. So much attention!
The same personality traits
that make Aydan crazy are the same things
that made him crazy about me!
I knew his attention was "over the top" but it felt so good to be "adored". He told me I was amazing! He compared me to "gentry". He talked about my Nordic features like I was a super model. I didn't feel beautiful or intelligent or successful, so when he said all those things, I wanted so badly to believe him. Listening to his flattery beat the heck out of listening to my own self doubts. Aydan said what I wanted to hear and I worshipped him for it. I would have done anything for him. I can remember just watching him for hours. I couldn't wait to hear what he would say next because most of the things he said were SO WONDERFUL.
Red Flag!
Aydan was very attentive. He would cook for me. He'd plan every outing and date. He'd ask me about current events and philosophical theories. He hung on my every word! He'd tenderly wrap me in a blanket if I was cold BEFORE I even asked! He'd seem to plan his whole life around ME! He always seemed to drop everything to have the chance to talk to me on the phone, on the internetor in person. He would drive 45 minutes to my home and 45 minutes back to his house just to have a hug and a kiss good night!
Red Flag!
One time, he took me to a movie in his truck. It was dark. There were lots of people walking through the parking lot and I spotted a parking place. I pointed out the space. He looked at me with complete contempt and said, "Since YOU picked out THAT SPACE and I'm driving, I'm going to park where I want to park. Is that okay with you?" Again, I was stunned by how angry he got over a parking place, and stammered, "Sure ... OK". When we got to the ticket office, he asked me what I wanted to see. I just shook my head. I figured if I couldn't pick out a parking place, I sure as hell better not pick outa movie! I sat through most of the movie, wondering what I had done to set him off ...
Red Flag!
Once when we were eating out, he was talking, and being the people watcher that I am, I glanced around the room while he was talking. He turned in the direction I had glanced, saw a man standing in the crowd and said, "Would you rather be talking to him?" Again, my mouth dropped and I was stunned. I spent the rest of the evening staring at my plate and again, wondering what I had done that was so wrong?
Red Flag!
Toward the end of our relationship, Aydan rented "Natural Born Killers" and told me it was his favorite movie! I watched it with him and told him I thought it was disturbing. He laughed at me. What did he do to comfort me? He rented it a second time!
Red Flag!
Another time, I was telling him about an acquaintance who had been beaten up by her husband. He interrupted what I was saying and said, "What did she do to deserve it?" I was too shocked to continue.
Red Flag!
Now, if every date had been this way, the relationship never would have lasted 3 years! Of course, there were sweet times in between. There was slow dancing in his living room. There were long walks where we held hands. There were beautiful sunsets and sunrises. We gazed at stars together. We washed cars and planted flowers and painted porches and played with kittens and flew kites. Aydan even sang to me one night when I couldn't sleep ...
... but for no reason, he would become dark and scary. I never knew what set him off or why he turned dark ... I just learned to walk on eggshells and tread very carefully ...
The scary times began to be more commonplace.
Aydan is the meanest,
most selfish man I have ever known!
He said everything he thought
I wanted to hear in the beginning,
only to take it all back
in the end.
He accused me of things I'd never do.
He assumed things that just weren't true.
I used to defend myself
against all the false accusation
but
they came so fast and so frequently,
what was the use?
He was going to believe what he believed.
Don't confuse him with FACTS!
I know the truth.
I know the things I struggled with.
Most of the worst things were him!
I was beginning to get tired of working so hard to please him. In fact, I was beginning to think THERE WAS NO PLEASING HIM. Instead of giving into his demands, I started standing up for myself. I was convinced that I needed to stand up for what I believed in and do what I believed was right, whether he liked it or not. He didn't like it one bit.
Red Flag!
He tried everything to get me back under his control.
Red Flag!
He called me horrible, ugly names, and if I asked him to stop calling me a name, he called me THAT NAME even more. One time, he called me something vile and I slapped him, and turned to walk away. When I turned my back, he rushed me, and threw me down on the floor! I was stunned. He let go. I sat there. Do you know what he said? "Taylor, you really need to get self-defense classes ... You should never turn your back on an adversary. Do you see how you left yourself open?" It was like he was turning his abuse into a self-defense class!
Red Flag!
He tried to make me jealous by saying that he could have any woman he wanted. Often, he would describe some pretty, young, intelligent,successful woman that "wanted" him. By the way, any woman who smiled at him "wanted" him!
Once, I screamed at him, "Go for it! I'm sure there is a long line of women who want a fat, bald guy with an ugly attitude!" He was speechless. I wouldn't have dared say that in person, but on the phone,I was 45 minutes away and brave. I was sorry the minute I said it, but two years later, I'm glad I gave him a taste of his own medicine!
Red Flag!
By then, we were arguing more than anything else. Our time together was so tense, neitherof us had any fun. He accused me of "flirting" with a clerk when I asked a salesman some questions. He said I was "taking away his right to be a man" when I picked up the drinks and let him carry the food tray (just helping). He ordered me to "Sit down and stay right there" at a movie theater while he went to the bathroom. I was reading the titles of the movies to myself more than anything and he yelled, "I can read!" Once, I picked up a magazine while we were watching a movie at his house and he said, "Did you come here to read or watch a movie with ME?" He would get mad if I talked on the phone when I was supposed to be spending time with him and then he would get mad when I wouldn't answer the phone while he was at my house. He started telling me that he wanted me to dress more provocatively. He complained when I wore make-up and perfume, even though I don't wear much of either.
Red Flag!
He criticized my work with kids and the amount of time it took away from him at the very same time he'd brag about my work with kids to his friends. I would tell him about court and he would start telling me what I should have said before he even heard about the case. He had no training and hadn't been in court more than a few times (that I know of) and he was an EXPERT before he even had all the facts. That irritated me. I said so. He didn'tlike it.
In fact, he constantly claimed to be an EXPERT ... He claimed to be a musical prodigy as a child. He told people he was an engineer but he was just a land surveyor with no formal training. He commented on illnesses, saying he had studies medicine and anatomy, but his theories were inconsistent and contrary to traditional medical disciplines. He had a friend that was a DR ... Maybe, they discussed medicine? Or maybe he just watched a PBS show? He argued "the Bible" with someone, claiming he had studied Greek & Hebrew ... when all he really did was look up a few words in a concordance!
Red Flag!
There was no end to his controlling, manipulative ways. Maybe, you see your guy in these stories? Doesn't it make you nuts when he does something and then finds a way to blame it on you? When I criticized him, he said I was trying to control him! He used to make me really angry and then say, "Calm down! You are so out of control sometimes. You really need to get help for that temper of yours!"
Red Flag!
I started questioning myself ... I was exhausted. I was irritable. My nerves were shot. Remember I said he was making an inventory of my hurts and vulnerabilities? He started to use the things I had told him in confidence against me, slipping them into arguments. Aydan would scream things at me, "I'd have to kill you if you ever..." and later "I hate you! I wish you were dead!" He threatened to show up at work or the places where I volunteer and "tell people what kind of woman I really was" and expose the things he KNEW about me. Of course, he wouldn't have dared to show up and try to humiliate me ... too many witnesses, but even the threat was enough to scare the heck out of me!
Red Flag!
I started avoiding people and pulling away from friends. I felt isolated. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I couldn't avoid the truth anymore. Aydan had a serious problem and I needed to get away from him. I must have tried to break up with him at least a dozen times and every time, he'd find a way to get back with me, usually by making me feel sorry for him ... One minute,he'd want me and the next minute, he'd want to punish me.
I didn't feel like I could do anything right, and there was always so much drama!
I had become immune to most of his tactics except one and he used it. He started writing cryptic notes about killing himself and how he would be better off dead. He'd talk about what a failure his life was and how no one had ever really loved him and after all the disappointments, he wasn't sure he had the strength to go on ...
Red Flag!
How could I ignore Aydan's threats of suicide?
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