I have been meaning to mention something. When your heart is healing and you are recovering from the devastating effects of abuse, you are tempted to do 100 things at once ... Some of them are GOOD for you and some of them are a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.
WASTE OF TIME THINGS ARE ...
... trying to "reason with your bad guy" ... Why bother? He wasn't honest and caring when he "loved" you. Do you really think he cares what you think or feel now that you are out from under his control? How can you appeal to his conscience if he doesn't have one?
... trying to call him or see him. Calling him won't get you any answers. He isn't going to be kind! In my case, "my bad guy" still has a house full of guns! I was never tempted to go anywhere near his house! He threatened me with a gun. I was lucky to ESCAPE ... I had no intention of tempting fate twice! Besides that ... what would I learn? If I had driven by his house and he was home ... What does that mean? If I had driven by his house and he was gone, what does that mean? If he has a visiting car in the driveway, what does that mean? It's all subject to whatever "translation" I come up with and without facts, I don't really know anything unless I decide to confront him and that would be a huge MISTAKE!!!
... talking to his friends or family. What's the point? Whose side do you think they really are on? Even if they act like they are sympathetic, it's only an act. They are there to persuade you to do whatever he has asked them for help with or they are there to "gather information" for his next attack. I'm not saying they are heartless puppets who don't know the difference between right and wrong. BUT they have listened to "his version of the truth" a long time ... They want to believe he's a "good guy" ... just a little misunderstood ... no one wants to admit their brother, son, cousin, uncle, friendis a bad guy because then they might have to do something about it and no one really wants to make him mad because they have ALL seen him mad before ...
... wishing it would all just go away. C'mon Gal. Things like abuse don't just go away. It happened. It was bad. We have to deal with it now.
... hoping things will be different! Do you really think you can go back to the way things were in the beginning? It's easy to get caught up in the way things used to be, but be honest with yourself. They haven't been that way in a long time, have they? If you got out in one piece, get down on your knees and THANK GOD that you were spared YEARS AND YEARS of heartache! God sure must LOVE you (and me) to spare us from that kind of hell!
... dreaming about when he'll come back! Say what?!!! HE AIN'T COMING BACK, GIRLFRIEND! HE WASN'T EVEN HERE WHEN HE WAS HERE! You were committed to a relationship. He should be committed to a law enforcement facility! He doesn't deserve your undying loyalty any more then he deserved your love in the first place! Please know that any kindness you give him will be twisted and thrown back at you because that is what abusers do. They DO NOT KNOW any other way. Think that's sad? I do too, but I am not willing to throw my life away on it!
HEALTHY THINGS YOU CAN DO ARE ...
... praying!
... taking care of yourself. Exercise. Drink more water. Try to eat a more balanced diet. Dress up! Get your hair done! Do your nails! Soak in a hot tub with bubbles and candlelight and a hot cup of herbal tea.
... getting the support you need. Spend time with the family or friends that love you most. Tell them how you feel. Tell them the things he said to you so that they can help you laugh at "that stupid man" and affirm the wonderful person that they know you to be!!!
... reading books ... romantic books, textbooks, self-help books, poetry, books about your interests, books about places you want to visit ... capture your own imagination. Teach yourself about all the things you dream about knowing. You can't help but grow!
... keeping a journal. Write about what you feel and think, even the things you are worried about. Write when good things happen. It will help you to get your feelings out now and it will help you later to look back at whatyou write today and see how far you have come.
... listening to music ... It soothes your heart, lifts your spirit and fills you with hope like nothing else can.
... trying new things. Do something that takes so much of your concentration that you don't have time to think about what "he" did, what he is doing now or what he will do ... there is really NOTHING you can do about that guy ... BUT there is EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT YOU!
... finding your favorite thing! My favorite thing is people. The more time I spend around people, the more I realize how much I have missed meeting new people. I have practically hidden from the world for the past three and a half years. It's as though I was under a wicked spell of control ... his control ... but the spell is broken and I"MMMMMMMM BACCCCCCCKKKKK!!!
... always remember that what happened to you is not your fault but recovering is your responsibility. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? If you don't take charge of your life, someone else will!
I don't know the things that you love, but find them. Take the time you need to remember what makes you happiest and DO IT! It's why you're here! It will bring you JOY and that JOY chases away sorrow ... ALL the sorrow from yesterday, all the sorrow today and even tomorrow's sorrow ...
JOY!!!
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