Healthy Relationships

Learning To Live And Love Again  

The two deepest desires most people have are: to love and be loved, and to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also.  I have also heard this phrased more simply, with one item added: To be happy we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.  

For many of us, that means we have to learn to do things differently, because the ways we have gone about getting our needs met haven't worked.  I believe as we get healthier, love will be different.  I believe love will be better, perhaps better than ever before, if we let it and if we insist on it.  

I don't think love has to hurt as much as it did in the past.  I don't think we have to allow love to hurt us as much as it has.  We certainly don't have to let it destroy us.  As one woman put it, "I am sick of letting men work out their unfinished business in my life!"  It's not God's will that we stay miserable and stay in miserable relationships.  That's something we are doing to ourselves.  We don't have to stay in relationships that cause pain and misery.  We are free to take care of ourselves.  We can learn to leave destructive relationships and enjoy the good ones.  

I believe God allows certain people to come into our lives.  But I also believe we are responsible for our choices and behaviors in initiating, maintaining, and discontinuing these relationships when appropriate.  

If we believe we are important,
we are free to set our own goals
and
reach for our dreams.  

The good things probably won't happen without some struggle and pain, but at least we will be struggling and stretching for something worthwhile, instead of simply suffering.  

It's okay to succeed, to have good things, and to have loving relationships that work.  These things may not come easily or naturally.  That's okay.  That's how growth feels.  If it feels too comfortable, too natural, or too easy, we're not growing and we're not doing anything different.  

Much of recovery is finding and maintaining balance in all areas of our lives.  We need to balance giving and receiving; we need to find a balance between solving problems and learning to live with unsolved problems.  Much of our anguish comes from having to live with grief of unsolved problems, and having things not go the way we hoped and expected.    

Trust  

Co-dependents frequently aren't certain whom or when to trust.  We can trust ourselves.  We can trust ourselves to make good decisions about whom we trust.  Many of us have been making inappropriate decisions about trust.  But we can trust people to be who they are.  We can learn to see people clearly.  Is what they say the same as what they do?  

If we pay attention to ourselves and the messages we receive from the world, we will know whom to trust, when to trust, and why to trust a particular person.  We may discover we've always known whom to trust ... we just weren't listening to ourselves.

Growing Forward  

Some of us may be facing tough decisions, decisions about ending relationships that are miserable and destructive.  If the relationship is dead, bury it.  We can take our time, work on ourselves, and we will be able to make the right decision when the time is right.  

Some of us may try to repair damaged but still alive relationships.  Be patient.  Love and trust are fragile, living entities.  They do not automatically regenerate upon command if they have been bruised.  Love and trust do not automatically reappear.  Love and trust must be allowed to heal in their own time.  Sometimes they heal;  sometimes they don't.  

Find friends to love, be loved by, and who think we are worthwhile.  Use our time alone as a breather. Let go.  Learn lessons weare to be learning.  Grow.  Develop.  Work on ourselves, so when love comes along, it enhances a full and interesting life.  Strive toward goals.  Have fun.  Trust God and his timing.  

Whatever our situation, we can go slowly.  Our hearts may lead us where our heads say we shouldn't go.  Our heads may insist we go where our hearts don't want to follow.  There are no rules about whom we should or shouldn't love and relate to.  We can love whomever we love, however we want to.  But slow down and take time to do it in a way that doesn't hurt us.  Love from our strengths, not from our weaknesses.  I hope we will find people we will enjoy loving - people who enjoy loving us and challenge us to grow.   

All the old crazy feelings will come rushing in.  Don't be frightened.  This is normal.  See it through.  Don't be ashamed and don't hide.  We can pick ourselves up again.  We will get through it.  Talk to trusted friends; be patient and gentle with ourselves.  Just keep doing the things we know we need to do.  It will get better.  Don't stop taking care of us no matter what happens.  

Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about.  If that sounds like a big order, don't worry.  We can do it.  We can learn to live again.  We can learn to love again.

                                     ~ from Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie   


HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ... 

• are based on RESPECT.
• you have fun together.
• you both feel like you can be yourself.
• you can have different opinions and interests.
• you listen to each other.
• you trust each other.
• you can both compromise, say sorry, and talk arguments out.
• you don't have to spend all of you spare time together - you can spend time on your own, or with your own friends and family.

     You deserve to be treated with respect.

Respect Checklist

If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your partner:

•  is willing to compromise.
•  lets you feel comfortable being yourself.
•  is able to admit to being wrong.
•  tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly.
•  enables you to feel safe being with them.
•  respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends.
•  accepts you saying no to things you don't want to do.
•  accepts you changing your mind.
•  respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship.
  

When someone loves you, you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself.  You shouldn't be made to feel intimidated or controlled.

Remember:

• You are important.
• You don't have to match up to anyone's standards except your own.
• You have the right to express your personal, cultural or religious beliefs.
• You have the right to have your own feelings, opinions and friends.
• You deserve love and respect.

 

Strong women
And
Strong Men
Protect the children,
Tend to the ailing,
Care for the aged,
And in fact,
Reassure the entire world.

                     - Maya Angelou

Tags: abuse, healthy relationships, learning to love again, co-dependent, codependent, Melody Beattie, recovery, healing

Forgiveness?

It's hard to forgive people who are unforgivable, and even harder to forgive people who have wronged you and don't think they have done anything wrong ... but the principle is the same, no matter who you are trying to forgive.

Forgiveness frees YOU.

Sheila Heen, author of Difficult Conversations, said it very well when she said, "Although forgiveness might have been something you have done for others, it's something you really do for yourself.  You have two choices:  You can forgive, which will positively effect your own happiness, well-being and future relationships.  Or ... you can let the hurt and anger inflicted on you continue to dominate your life.  It's YOUR choice.  Really."

Forgiveness is a complicated, difficult, and messy process.

Forgiveness can be the greatest challenge you face, because, while you're healing, it may be something you have to do over and over ... When you think of something that they said or did, go ahead and think about it for a minute, realize that it said more about them and their outlook on life than it ever said about you and the unique individual that you are, and then, let it go.  It happened to you but IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A PART OF WHO YOU ARE NOW.

I can forgive and keep my conscience clear or I can let his RAGE do me permanent harm by letting it become a part of my life and who I am.  Aydan won a small victory when he abused me.  He sure showed me!  BUT that insignificant victory is pretty hollow if it didn't do me permanent damage, and I won't let him beat me twice!  No matter what he did to me ... no matter what your abuser did to you ... it doesn't "touch" our spirits, unless we let it.  

We can hold the other person accountable.  We can hold the other person responsible.  But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury.  Walk away.  Stop playing the game.  Unhook.  Learn your lesson.  Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable.  And be finished with it.  Put it behind, with the lesson intact.   Acceptance helps. 

Robin Norwood (author of WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH) shared an idea that worked the BEST for me:
   

Every time he came into my thoughts,
I would pray
as sincerely as I could for his highest good.
Period.

Even if it's taken you years to get over relationships before, you'll be amazed at how quickly you'll HEAL when you take this approach.
 

NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW LONG
HEALING WILL TAKE.

Some people get over things more quickly than others.  I want the lesson from this experience to last the rest of my life!  Of course we will feel sadness, anger, disappointment, revenge, pain, rejection, self doubt and all the other feelings we'd like to skip over, but go ahead and feel those things ... Feel the full impact.  We can trust the inner workings of our spirits and our hearts.  The deeper we feel any emotion, the deeper we feel all emotions.   

It's as if feeling all those negative things CLEARS THE AIR AND OPENS OUR HEARTS, MAKING ROOM FOR THE "GOOD EMOTIONS" ... the ones we have longed our whole lives for!  I am surprised at how good it feels to LAUGH!  I feel a PEACE that runs much deeper than surface now.  I am more THANKFUL and more GRATEFUL for my family and friends.  I LOVE from a different place than I used to.  I HELP from a different place than I used to.  It is as though all those really negative, awful things burned away parts of me that were holding me back.  

I'm FREE!  I can soak up the sun, smell the flowers,and listento the birds sing.  One day at a time, I earned the right to soak up my own sunshine and smell my own flowers.  Can you hear the birds?  They're singing for me!  They're singing for you too!  This is my life.  This is your life.  It's the only one we have.

I just found another article on Forgiveness at a web-site listed below the article.  The web-site has several good articles and an excellent presentation on color therapy.  I have shown some examples of the color therapy too, which might be fun to try?

Forgive and ...

Forgiveness is a practice we all know we "should" do... but secretly, we fear we'll either become vulnerable or be perceived as a wimp.  After all, So-and-So doesn't "deserve" my forgiveness after what he/she/they did.  And won't forgiving them just encourage them to do it again?  I'll hang on to my righteous indignation, thank you very much.

But what does hanging on to all those old grudges really do?  Nothing to the person you're upset with .... but plenty to you.  Carrying around a burden of hurts and gripes saps your energy.  It stresses you out, makes you bitter and cuts down on the joy of living.  People with chronic anger have been shown to experience more health difficulties, like heart problems.  Yep, you'll show them who's right ... by having a stroke in the middle of the mall.

Forgiveness is healing to the body and the mind.  It doesn't mean you're a wimp, and it doesn't mean the other person was "right."  The trick is to forgive the person, not the actions.  Realize that we're all on a path of learning.  Whatever was done to you was done out of ignorance (primarily emotional); it's in the past and hopefully you've learned something from it.  Let it go and move forward.  Forgiveness actually makes you stronger, because you're not wrestling with the burdens of the past.

Remember that forgiveness isn't something you learn overnight.  Don't get down on yourself if you can't bring yourself to let go of every wrong ever done to you in one fell swoop.  Be patient and start small.  If someone cuts you off during the morning commute, instead of ruining your day by cursing them out, consider that they're in a hurry and probably didn't think.

For the bigger issues, there are many different techniques.  One that provides an immediate sense of perspective is to meditate upon a spiritual figure that means a lot to you: Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, whomever.  Think about how much they accomplished in their lives through the act of forgiving others.  Then picture your own heart opening to the person who hurt you, allowing understanding for their actions to flow through you.

You can also mentally picture the transgressor in your mind, then see them as a small child who literally "didn't know better."  Envision yourself with them, then surround both of you with white light.  Hear yourself saying to them, "I realize you didn't know any better at the time, and I forgive you."  Step out of the bubble, and release it into the sky.

Another option is to write a letter about your anger.  Pour out every thought, feeling and hurt on paper.  Don't worry about the handwriting or the grammar -- just get it out.  Once the emotions are spent, burn the letter.  As the paper goes up in flames, concentrate on letting the incident go with it.

Learning to forgive is not only good for your spirit, it's good for your body.  Clearing out the emotional debris clears a space for wonderful new things to enter and lightens the load on the road of life.

Source: New Choices in Natural Healing
The article "Forgive and ..." and the pictures below can be found at:
http://www.coloringtherapy.com/ndex.html

 


Happiness is for those who have cried,
For those who have hurt,
For those who have searched,
And
For those who have tried,
For only they can appreciate the importance
Of people who have touched their lives.

When you were born,
You were crying and everyone around you
Was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
You're the one who is smiling
And
Everyone around you is crying.

Tags: abuse, healing, forgiveness, coloring therapy

Are you HURT? Are you SAFE? Are you OKAY?

Someone asked me how I moved on.  I understood the question.  I remember people encouraging me to move on and I had absolutely no idea where to start or even what to do!  I think it goes with the territory.  But I promise ... time does moves on, without our help and even without our participation.  Eventually, slowly at first, we start to notice that there is just too much out there to forever stand on the sidelines.  

The most you can do before you move on too is to take care of the things you can, be thankful for the things you can and learn from the thing that sidelined you.  

I read a book recently about children who lose their parents early in life.  The book said that the child's perception of life before the death and their perception of life after death is forever change in that one moment:
 

The world became eternally divided into a before and after ...

Since then,
Everything has changed. 

~ Tove Dittlesen  

That is true for me too.  The world changed for me when I became a victim, but I won back the best parts of my world by becoming a survivor.  It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.   

There are some hurts that leave some vicious scars.  A broken heart is not much different from a broken bone.  The place that mends knits together in such a way that it's even stronger than before the break, but occasionally on a dark and cold day, you feel a little sore where the break was ... So in way, your world divides into "before the break" and "after the break", but that is not the end of the story!  

Let me tell you about that wonderful "knit together" place! 

I lost a little pride during the healing.  I admitted to myself and others that I had made some foolish choices.  That wasn't easy.  Of course, we all want to be perfect people with perfect lives, but admitting that I wasn't perfect was the best thing that I ever did!  The world didn't end.  I wasn't scorned and cast down!  Instead, I was relieved and grateful to have survived.   

Once, I let go of the notion that I had to be perfect for people to love me ... it wasn't much of a step to let go of the notion that other people had to be perfect too!  In fact, I felt relief again that the people around me were just as human as I was, and a part of me loved them just a little bit more.   

My expectations relaxed.  Since I wasn't wasting so much energy on all of us having to be perfect, I had more energy to do the things that really mattered.   

I quit looking inside and started noticing the world around me.  When you look at the world with acceptance instead of judgment, the world is a much prettier place!  It is what it is. 

Do birds have to think they are perfect before they can fly? Of course not!  They are just birds.  Do flowers have to be the prettiest flower in the garden before they can bloom?  Nope, they all bloom when it is there time.

We humans are the only ones that worry about being the best, the prettiest, or the smartest ... and all that worry almost guarantees that we will never be the best, the prettiest, or the smartest ... We keep ourselves from being happy by making ourselves miserable choosing to spend time with people who are just as miserable because of course misery loves company and when two miserable people get together, guess what happens?  Heartbreak and disappointment!  

So we are back to that knit-together and mended heart of mine ... My heart might get broken again in another placeand another time, but that place and that time is over and done with.  I am stronger than I was in that part of my heart.  Love filled the hurt placed and knit together what was left ... love for me, love for my friends and family and even love for my enemies ... We are all just human, and most of us are doing the best we can most of the time, but occasionally we all make some really dumb decisions and someone will get hurt when we do.  It's the same for everyone.  

That part of my heart is stronger now but the break gave me a view of the world I never would have seen if I had not been hurt.  I am grateful for the chance to see the world the way I see it now, with acceptance instead of judgment.  I am grateful to live in a world where I can just be who I am like a bird is just a bird.  I am grateful to be like a flower that will bloom when it is my time.  

Of course, there will be cold, dark times when my heart will ache!  Life will bring new heartaches.  The old heartaches will serve as reminders that bad things happened, but better than that ... they will be living examples of how a heart can heal and a spirit can survive even the darkest times.  They will be symbols of hope that I healed once and I can do it again ... if I have to!  I am a survivor.  

You can too survive too.  You will move on, when you are ready.  You will learn what you need to learn.  Things that effected me may have no effect on you.  Things that effect you may not have been the same things that challenged me.  We all have our own lessons to learn in this business of being human.  We all eventually reestablish our equilibrium, find our balance, and discover our purpose ... when it is our time.
  

Not everything you do is going
to be a
masterpiece
but
you get out there and you try
and sometimes
it really happens.
The other times,
you're just stretching your soul.

                        - Maya Angelou    

What if you are not ready to move on?  If you are sitting on the side, feeling miserable and broken, too hurt to move ... just rest for a minute.  It's okay.  Catch your breath.

Are you hurt?   

Nothing wrong with that!  Take a deep breath.  Inhale.  Exhale.  You are breathing.  Right?  Well, thank God, you are still alive.  Even if you are hurting, thank God you are able to still feel something.  Take another deep breath.  Close your eyes.  Tell yourself you are going to be okay. 

Does it hurt to move?  It's okay.  Don't move!  You have suffered a shock.  I know it hurts.  How could anybody be so mean to you, when you always try to be good to other people?  Sweetie, it's time for you to be good to yourself.

Are you safe?   

Are you safe right now?  Do you need to go to a safer place?  What do you need to do to make things better for you?  Don't think about all the other things you need to do for everyone else. 

Think about YOU ... this time.

Are your feelings all jumbled up?  Sweetie, do you want to go back to when he wasn't hurting you?  It's too late.  He already hurt you.  Going back isn't an option anymore ... You can't turn back time.  You can sit here and feel bad as long as you want to feel bad ... Heck, I think I threw a glorious pity party for myself, complete with balloons and party favors!  We can't deny our hurt or our self pity or our sadness or our loss or our anger or our disappointment ... or any other feeling that we feel.  That is just where we are.  Go ahead.  Feel them ... Feel every single feeling.  Feel them twice.  Feel them 100 times if you have to!  Take a deep breath again.  Feel that?  That's new life.  New life will come the same way fresh air comes.  You'll get your second wind.  The sore places will heal. 

Do you think it would help for you to get up and walk around a little bit?

Are you okay?  

You can survive.  You already have made it through so many things in your life.  You can move past the hurt, when you are ready.  We all have our own lessons to learn in this business of being human. 

There is a beautiful place in each of our souls that longs to make things right in our world.  We have tried to get there in so many ways that haven't worked for us.  Abuse may leave us broken, but it is exactly in the brokenness that we can find a direct path to our heart!  We may have to clear away debris.  We may have to rearrange.  We may have to get rid of things that held us back. 

We don't have to do everything all at once.  It took most our lives to get it here.  It may take the rest of our lives to make everything right in our world, but what a journey it will be!  We are not at the END.  WE HAVE JUST FOUND THE BEGINNING!  We can eventually reestablish our equilibrium, find our balance, and discover our purpose ... IF WE CHOOSE TO ... IN OUR OWN WAY ... IN OUR OWN TIME ...
     

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
          Enough trials to make you strong,
                    Enough sorrow to keep you human,
                               Enough hope to make you happy.  

Tags: abuse, hurt, safe, recovery, healing, hope

Healing, Safety & Taking Control

After several years, I am actually glad that things ended the way they did ... Aydan abused me mentally, emotionally and physically before the last time, but it took something that extreme for me to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  Because of how severe Aydan's actions were, I had all the worst symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress ...

Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome:

• Anxiety
• Avoiding anything that reminds the survivor of the incident 
• Insomnia   
• Recurrent memories, or flashbacks of the trauma 
• Irritability 
• Difficulty concentrating or focusing 
• Feeling numb 
• Hyper-vigilance (feeling "on guard" all the time)
• Survivor guilt
• Lack of interest in family, friends or hobbies
  Nightmares
• Jumpiness (especially at loud or sudden noises)
  Restlessness
• They may also suffer from depression, blame themselves or become suicidal 
• Overwhelming emotions
• Feeling as though they are "going crazy"
• Fear "something bad" will happen
• Difficulty sleeping

Dr. Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph. D. wrote in her book, I Can't Get Over It - A Handbook For Trauma Survivors:

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a normal reaction to being victimized, abused, or put in a life-threatening situation with few means of escape ...

Some survivors report feeling as if they are choking, drowning, or "falling apart" ...

No self-help book, regardless of its quality, is a substitute for individual counseling or other forms of in-depth help.  You will probably need the assistance of caring friends, other survivors, and qualified professionals in understanding and meeting the challenges the trauma has thrust upon you.

Healing  

I didn't have any choice but to get to a safe place and get help!  I was having panic attacks, I couldn't sleep at night, and if I slept at all, I had horrible nightmares.  I was afraid to even go to the grocery store.  I couldn't stop crying.  I avoided everybody and literally became a prisoner in my own home.  Everything triggered extreme reactions.  Violent News Stories would cause panic attacks.  TV Shows with happy endings would leave me sobbing uncontrollably because I was so afraid of how "my story" might end.

I made an appointment with the best therapist in town.  I knew therapy wouldn't be cheap, but I also knew I didn't have much choice.  My life was at a standstill.  I was practically agoraphobic.  I knew I needed help.

Dr. Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. wrote in The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships ...

Betrayal can bring forth every issue, secret and unfinished business a person has, all of which are important ... To cope with your abuse, you may have minimized the impact the abuse had on your life.  Now is the time to recognize the abuse for what it was.  Know that it was not your fault, and recognize you're powerlessness over it.
 
Dr. Carnes is right ... Every issue, secret and unfinished business ... I had ever tucked away landed squarely at my doorstep, demanding to be dealt with.  I was surprised at the amount and degree of thoughts and feelings that were there!

Somebody gave me a pamphlet produced by the South Carolina Department of Public Safety:

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Be patient with yourself.

• Give yourself time to heal.
• You have experienced a trauma; It takes time to return to a pre-trauma level of functioning.
• You may experience a setback.  Remember that you have been through an experience that your mind is struggling to understand.  It is common for people to make progress and then feel they have taken several steps back.  You may continue to gain ground.

Believe in Yourself.

• You are still capable of doing all the things you did before you were assaulted.  It may feel impossible, but you will succeed!
• You are not to blame for the assault.  Your attacker chose to hurt you; you did not ask to be hurt.

Take care of yourself.

• Eat healthy foods.
• Get plenty of rest.
• Set limits.
• Spend time with people who are supportive and understanding.
• Take care of medical symptoms.
• Journal.
• Give yourself permission to grieve.

Talk with someone.

• Sexual Assault Advocate.
• Support Group for Survivors.
• Counselor.
• Family Member.
• Friend.
• Physician.
• Religious or Spiritual Leader.

 
You are not to blame.
You will heal and move past this moment. 
                    You will not always feel sad.

But, I couldn't deal with any of it until I felt safe.

Safety  

Making your home safer after your abuser leaves:

• Change the locks on your doors and windows.
• Install an alarm system.
• Add window bars.
• Install smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.
• Put up motion detector lights outside.
• Buy a dog. 
• Teach your children how to call collect, in case they are taken by your partner.
• <FONTFACE=ARIAL>Tell your children's teachers at school, daycare or Sunday school who is allowed to pick them up -- and who can NOT take them.
• Tell your friends, family, neighbors, that your partner no longer lives there and they should call the police if they see him.  

Safety in the workplace:

• If you feel comfortable, tell your boss and co-workers.  Your office may set up a safety policy.
• Post your protection order.
• Tell your co-workers to call the police if they see your batterer at the workplace.
• Show them his picture.
• Ask co-workers not to tell where you are if anyone they don't know comes to the workplace or calls.
• Ask someone to screen your calls.
• Keep your office locked if you can.
• Plan an escape route if your partner comes to work.
• Work when other people are there, never alone.
• Vary your route and the times you go to work.  

Safety in the community:

• Vary or change any routine your partner may be familiar with. 
• Change grocery stores, banks (or the branch you normally go to) and day cares.
• Go out during the busiest times.
• Have people you trust walk you to and from your car.
• Take someone with you.
• Carry a whistle.
• Take a self defense class.
• Program the police, help line or friend on your cell phone. 
• Keep it with you at all times.

I did all kinds of things to try to make myself feel safer too.  I rearranged my rooms and covered my windows with thick towels and quilts so that no one (Aydan) could tell what room I was in, and if Aydan did come over, he would be confused by the rearranged furniture and give me enough time to get away.  I put bells on all the door handles.  Ihad my alarm system upgraded.  I had motion lights put all around the outside of my house.  I had an escape plan and would actually drill myself on how fast and quietly I could get out and away.

Guns

If discussions about guns bother you, you may want to skip this section and go on to the next.  

I was afraid that IF Aydan came to my house, he would come armed, so I armed myself.  I bought several shotguns and a few handguns.  Let's talk for a minute about guns.  I realize that there are a lot of opinions about gun control and there are some very good and quite intelligent people on both sides of the argument.  I had grown up in a house full of hunters so I had been around guns all my life, but after Aydan threatened me with that shotgun, I had so much fear.  Up until that point, guns were for putting food on the table and target practice, but I certainly had never considered myself or any other human being a potential target!    

I knew that having a gun didn't make me safe.  Too many women (and men) get shot by their own guns!  It only takes a few seconds of hesitation on our part for a criminal to cross the room, take the gun away from us and use it against us.  I wasn't sure I would really ever be able to shoot anyone so I took gun classes and weapons training.  I practiced shooting several guns.  I even loaded them in the dark, making myself familiar with the safety and the way they worked.  I got a concealed weapons permit.  I took advanced gun classes. 

I got familiar with the gun laws in my state and the most important thing I learned was this:  If your life is threatened, you must mentally decide ahead of time what you will do.  You must ask yourself ahead of time WHO AM I WILLING TO DIE FOR?  WHO AM I WILLING TO KILL FOR?  WHO AM I WILLING TO GO TO JAIL FOR?  For me, all three of those questions come with very short lists.  Most people who use a weapon to shoot and kill an assailant, even in self-defense, will spend  250,000-dollars defending themselves and tie up, at least, seven years of their life in the courts, even if they are in the right. 

Was Aydan worth that to me?  Not really.  So what was my alternative with Aydan and my alternative now with anyone else?  I will not go looking for trouble with anyone.  I have no wish to "duke it out" in an old western gun battle!  I am not John Wayne or Clint Eastwood!  I will safeguard my home to the best of my ability, and if those safeguards fail, I will shoot and kill anyone who enters my house to do bodily harm to me or anyone in my home.  God help us all.

I know that not everyone will agree with that opinion and that's okay.  I have been threatened by a gun and felt the need to responsibly protect myself from that ever happening again.

WARNING TO ALL THE BAD GUYS:  You should know that good people will not tolerate your bad behavior indefinitely.  You can keep going down that same road, terrorizing loved ones and strangers alike, but one day, you will run into someone who has armed themselves against the likes of you and your reign of terror will end.  God help us all.

Guns are not a part of any recommended safety plan.  For one thing, no non-profit organization wants to be sued for recommending it!  I am not recommending it to anyone either.  I think that arming yourself has to be a personal choice.  I would not make that decision for anyone else.  I would not blame or judge anyone who chose to arm themselves or to not arm themselves.  If you are considering gun ownership, be responsible.  Take gun classes and become very familiar with your weapon before you ever put the first bullet in it or fire the first round.  If you are unwilling to become an educated gun owner, I would prefer that you carry a stick or a rock.  That will limit the damage that can be done to you by criminals who are very familiar with your weapon, no matter what that weapon is.

Taking Control Of My Life

If the relationship with Aydan had "faded away" like I had once hoped it would, I might not have gotten help at all.  I could have gone on telling myself "I could handle it" indefinitely, and without changing the way I was, I would be destined to repeat the same pattern ... over and over again.  

What do I mean by "pattern"?  When Aydan's abuse began, I did all the things most victims do.  I made excuses for him.  I down-played Aydan's abuse and my own feelings about his abuse.  I even blamed myself.  I thought that if I just worked a little harder and loved him a little bit more, he would be magically changed by all that undeserved love and affection!  That is not real life!  That didn't work for me and it won't work for anybody else!

The terror of Aydan and the gun was life threatening but so was my extreme reaction to it!  Either could have taken me down.  Both were enough to send me into complete and total recovery where I had no choice but to face my issues and deal with them.  

Now, many years later, it is almost unimportant what started me on the journey as long as I started!  I know now that I was a victim long before I ever met Aydan.  Other people had abused me ... in lesser ways.  They had all left their mark on my heart and my spirit but most of those marks are gone!  Those marks are healed and replaced with healthier stuff.  I am a better, stronger woman than I ever pretended to be.  

Today, I am grateful and hopeful.  I am a survivor. 
 

Survivor's Psalm

I have been victimized.
I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.
I did not ask for the fight.
I lost.
There is no shame in losing
Suchfights.
I have reached the stage of survivor
And
Am no longer a slave of victim status.
I look back with sadness
Rather than hate.
I look forward with hope
Rather than despair.
I may never forget,
But
I need not constantly remember.
I was a victim.
I am a survivor.

© Frank Ochberg, MD
From Dr. Ochberg's EXCELLENT web-site: Gift From Within 

Tags: abuse, domestic violence, ptsd, post traumatic stress disorder, healing, safety, taking my life back, taking control, survivor psalm, Frank Ochberg

Betrayal / Trauma Bond & Recovery ...

I knew Aydan had gone too far ... or I never would have called the law in the first place.  It broke my heart.  I didn't understand why I was so worried about Aydan and his feelings when he had already proven vividly that he had no real feelings for me?  I had taken "ownership" of caring for Aydan and even though the relationship was OVER and I knew it, I still felt like it was "my job" to take care of him!  This man pointed a loaded shotgun at me and I still felt like I needed to finish painting his living room and plant the shrubs at his house!

Dr. Carnes says, "There is always something kind, noble or redeeming about someone who has betrayed you.  Victims of betrayal will hold to those good things even while the world crashes in around them."  My world was crashing in around me when I found this book.  The book is 11.95 and available on-line or at any bookstore.  The 144 questions starting on page 37 are worth the 12.00!  There was a post traumatic stress self-test on page 37 that was helpful ... I took it.  I answered the questions honestly.  I was surprised at my own answers and the results.  Sometimes, we have no choice but to face reality.  This is where I was at ... Now, what was I going to do about it?

BETRAYAL BOND

Breaking Free Of Exploitive Relationships
by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.  

Betrayal.  A breach of trust.  Fear.  What you thought was true - counted on to be true - was not.  It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies.  Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was enough truth to make everything seem right.  Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous ...   

Betrayal.  You can't explain it away anymore.  A pattern exists.  You know that now.  You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really what it seemed).  That would be unbearable.  But to move forward means certain pain.  No escape.  No in-between.  Choices have to be made today, not tomorrow.  The usual ways you numb yourself will not work.  The reality is too great, too relentless.  

Betrayal.  A form of abandonment.  Often the abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can be still close, even intimate, or maybe intruding in your life.  Yet your interests, your well-being is continually sacrificed.

Abandonment is at the core of addictions.  Abandonment causes deep shame.  Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.  Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving.  If severe enough, it is traumatic.  What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror.  If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state.  You no longer feel safe. 

You're on full alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again.  In that state of readiness, you're unaware that a part of you has died.  You are grieving.  Like everyone who has loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness and sadness.  Yet, you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. 

In your readiness, you abandon yourself.  Yes, another abandonment.  

But that is not the worst.  The worst is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you.  You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing - convert them to non-abusers.  You may even blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts.  You strive to do better as your life slips away in a swirl of intensity.  These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities and place yourself at even greater risk.  The great irony?  You are bracing yourself against further hurt.  The result?  The guarantee of more pain.  These attachments have a name.  They are called betrayal bonds.  These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to her. 

Adult survivors of abuse and dysfunctional familiesstruggle with bond that are rooted in their own betrayal experiences.  Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive to you is a form of insanity.

Betrayal Bond?

• When everyone around you has strong negative reactions, yet you continue covering up, defending or explaining a relationship.
• When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.
• When there are repetitive, destructive fights that nobody wins.
• When others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not.
• When you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person's treatment of you.
• When you feel stuck because you know what the other person is doing is destructive but believe you cannot do anything about it.
• When you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others.
• When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
• When someone's talents, charisma or contributions cause you to overlook destructive, exploitive or degrading acts.
• When you cannot detach from someone even though you do not trust, like or care for the person.
• When you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful, it almost destroyed you.
• When extraordinary demands are placed upon you to measure up as a way to cover up that you have been exploited.
• When you keep secret someone's destructive behavior toward you because of all the good they have done or the importance of their position or career.
• When the history of yourrelationship is about contracts or promises that have been broken and that you are asked to overlook.

If you are reading this book (or journal), a clear betrayal has probably happened in your life.  Chances are that you have also bonded with the person or persons who have let you down.  Now, here is the important part:

YOU WILL NEVER MEND
THE WOUND WITHOUT DEALING
WITH THE BETRAYAL BOND.

Like gravity, you may defy it for a while, but ultimately it will pull you back.  You cannot walk away from it.  Time alone will not heal it.  Burying yourself in compulsive and addictive behaviors will bring no relief, just more pain.  Being crazy will not make it better.  No amount of therapy, long-term or short-term, will help without confronting it.  Your ability to have a spiritual experience will be impaired.  Any form of conversion or starting over only postpones the inevitable.  And there is no credit for feeling sorry for yourself.  You must acknowledge, understand and come to terms with the relationship.

Betrayal can bring forth every issue, secret and unfinished business a person has, all of which are important.  Further, fear and crisis are often part of the scene.  So the immediate problems come first.  As a result, the betrayal bond itself may be ignored.

Signs that trauma bonds exist in your life:

• When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to).
• When you continue to seek contact with people who you know will cause you further pain.
• When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.
• When you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive.
• When you continue attemptsto get people who are clearly using you to like you.
• When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable.
• When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
• When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care.
• When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away.
• When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen.
• When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.
• When you are attracted to untrustworthy people.
• When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse.
• When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

How do trauma bonds become addictive?

The answer is in the same way other addictions work. The criteria for addiction are the following:

1. Compulsivity: loss of the ability to choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior.
2. Continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences such as loss of health, job, marriage or freedom.
3. Obsession with the behavior.  

Betrayal, addiction and trauma weave a design of continually recycled wounds that create an overarching pattern of compulsive relationships.

11 ways that trauma bonds are made stronger:

1. when there are repetitive cycles of abuse.
2. when the victim and the victimizer believe in their own uniqueness.
3. when high intensity is mistaken for intimacy.
4. when there is confusion about love.
5. when there are increasing amounts of fear.
6. when children are faced with terror.
7. when there is a history of abuse.
8. when exploitation endures over time.
9. when the community, family or social structure reacts in the extremes.
10. when there is a familiar role and script to be fulfilled.
11. when victims and victimizers switch roles of rescue and abuse.

For successful recovery, the victim has to be able to break through denial and see the compulsive patterns for what they are ... When you live with someone dangerous, you learn to keep the waters smooth.  Thus there exists a web of rules against anger and a deep, almost preverbal, primitive fear of holding an abuser accountable ... Every person who has experienced compulsive relationship behavior has had consequences because of that behavior. 

You certainly should have felt anger, maybe even enough anger that you are determined to change your patterns ... No more will you disbelieve the obvious and believe the improbable.  In the future, your anger will make you intolerant of being exploited and used ... You may also have feelings of sadness, loss and regret.  Knowing your own hurt and expressing that hurt is critical to healing.  First of all the sadness moves the survivor beyond the anger.  Sometimes, those in trauma bonds hold on to the anger as a way to stay connected to the abuser. 

An example would be the divorcing couple who start off expressing their anger and telling stories about why they are angry to all their friends.  One partner, however, moves beyond that point and realizes, that she, too, has significant responsibility for what happened.  This partner learns from her experiences and goes on to reconstruct her life.  The other partner stays stuck in the anger, and years later is still telling the blaming stories to anyone who will listen. 

That partner has used anger to stay in the relationship, and is probably too scared to accept the pain of loss.

By blaming the other for the problems in his life, the blaming partner can prevent the actual acceptance of the loss of the relationship or the losses caused by the relationship.  HEALTHY anger expresses limitations.  BLAMING anger recycles the history of betrayal and all the intense feelings that are a part of a trauma bond. 

It (anger and blaming) is a negative way to keep the old person around. 

To finally grieve means to accept that your life did not turn out the way you wanted, the way you deserved or the way it should have.  Those who are trauma bonded have to accept not only the reality of compulsive relationships but also the accumulated losses in their lives going back to whatever created the original working model for relationships.  

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
THE COURAGE
TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE WISDOM
TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

They were able to transform suffering into meaning!  I believe survivors of any form of abuse have that essential task.  Out of the incredible pain comes clarity of belief and depth of purpose.  They become people of substance, with no more tolerance of living in the lie.  They know evil for what it is and arm themselves with rituals that keep meaning close to their hearts.  They have a high regard for that which connects, and reject all that divides or hides.  Inescapable pain creates enduring honesty and accountability.

Do you want things to be different?

Trauma bonds can be disrupted when healthy bonds are available ... Finding supportive healthy relationships is the foundation of recovery ... Support is the ground floor of any recovery effort ... People who specialize in helping these survivors with their trauma have found that the first part of recovery is to give a detailed description of what happened to a sympathetic audience ... By telling their story, they are "reunited" with other humans who care for them.  It now means something to survive.

Dr. Carnes offers several good exercises in his book that will help take you consciously through recovery.  You can take your time thinking about the questions and how you will answer.  You can work on your recovery at your own pace.

Recovery?  

There really isn't a better choice, you know?  If you were hiking in the wilderness and broke your leg, you would have to DO SOMETHING.  You couldn't just get up and walk away, pretending nothing happened!  Even after you tended to the leg, you would have to make changes in your routine and give your leg time to heal. 

There are no shortcuts.
You can't rush the healing.

In fact, no one really knows exactly when it will be totally healed because everyone heals differently.  Just because life has been this painful so far doesn't mean it has to keep hurting.  Life doesn't have to hurt so much, and it won't - if we begin to change.  It may not be all roses from here on out, but it doesn't have to be all thorns either.  We need to and can develop our own lives.

Getting our balance and keeping it once we have found it is what recovery is all about.  If that sounds like a big order, don't worry. 

We can do it! 

We can learn to live again.

Tags: abuse, domestic violence, trauma bond, betrayal bond, patrick j carnes, recovery, healing, hope

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Last time we talked about the night Aydan threatened me with a shotgun, I talked about how I dealt with things legally.  This time, I thought I'd talk about some of the other things that follow abuse / domestic violence because a lot happens all at once ... The legal side is important, but there is so much more.  There is making sure that you are safe, dealing with your emotions, getting support from your friends and family, recovery and healing ...

If you are being abused mentally, emotionally or physically, you are more likely to suffer the effects of post traumatic stress disorder.

What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Post-traumatic stress disorder is an anxiety disorder that's triggered by your memories of a traumatic event — an event that directly affected you or an event that you witnessed.

• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may develop following exposure to extreme trauma.
• Extreme trauma is a terrifying event or ordeal that a person has experienced, witnessed or learned about, especially one that is life-threatening or causes physical harm. It can be a single event or repeated experience.
• The experience causes that person to feel intense fear, horror or a sense of helplessness.
• The stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person’s life, including mental, emotional and physical well-being.
• Research suggests that prolonged trauma may disrupt and alter brain chemistry. For some people, this may lead to the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The disorder commonly affects survivors of traumatic events, such as domestic violence, sexual assault, physical assault, war, torture, a natural disaster, an automobile accident, an airplane crash, a hostage situation or a death camp. Post traumatic stress disorder also can affect rescue workers at the site of an airplane crash or a mass shooting. It can affect someone who witnessed a tragic accident.  

Why Should I learn About Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Not everyone involved in a traumatic event experiences post-traumatic stress disorder. However, the disorder affects more than 5 million adults each year in the United States. You or someone you know may experience trauma at some time in your life!  Learning about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can help you: Cope with Trauma and / or help others.

Signs and symptoms

Signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder typically appear within three months of the traumatic event. However, in some instances, they may not occur until years after the event and may include:

• Flashbacks and distressing dreams associated with the traumatic event.
• Distress at anniversaries of the trauma.
• Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings and activities associated with the trauma.
• Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others and an inability to have loving feelings.
• Markedly diminished interest or participation in activities that once were an important source of satisfaction.
• In young children, delayed or developmental retrogression in such areas as toilet training, motor skills and language.
• Hopelessness about the future — no hope of a family life, career or living to old age.
• Physical and psychological hypersensitivity — not present before the trauma — with at least two of the following reactions: trouble sleeping, anger, difficulty concentrating, exaggerated startle response to noise, and physiological reaction to situations that remind you of the traumatic event. These physiological reactions may include an increase in blood pressure, a rapid heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea and diarrhea.

  Let's look at those symptoms again:

• Anxiety
• Avoiding anything that reminds the survivor of the incident
• Insomnia
• Recurrent memories, or flashbacks of the trauma
• Irritability
• Difficulty concentrating or focusing
• Feeling numb
• Hyper-vigilance (feeling "on guard" all the time)
• Survivor guilt
• Lack of interest in family, friends or hobbies
• Nightmares
• Jumpiness (especially at loud or sudden noises)
• Restlessness
• They may also suffer from depression, blame themselves or become suicidal
• Overwhelming emotions
• Feeling as though they are "going crazy"
• Fear "something bad" will happen
• Difficulty sleeping

(The info above is from a booklet about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder put out by Blount Memorial Hospital in Maryville, Tennessee)

Who's at risk for developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Those who can be effected by PTSD include:

• Anyone who has been victimized or has witnessed a violent act or who has been repeatedly exposed to a life-threatening situation.
• Survivors of:
• Car accidentsor fires
• Natural disasters, such as tornadoes or earthquakes
• Major Catastrophic events such as a plane crash or terrorist act
• Disasters caused by human error such as industrial accidents 
• Survivors of unexpected events in everyday life:
• Children who are neglected or sexually, physically or verbally abused or adults who were abused as children
• Combat veterans or civilian victims of war
• Those diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or who have undergone invasive medical procedures
• Professionals who respond to victims in trauma situations such as emergency medical service workers, police, firefighters, military, and search and rescue workers
• People who learn of the sudden, unexpected death of a close friend or relative

Risk factors

The severity of the traumatic event and how long the event lasted appear to be factors in the development of this disorder. Other factors that may increase the likelihood of developing post-traumatic stress disorder include:

• A previous history of depression or other emotional disorder
• A previous history of physical or sexual abuse
• A family history of anxiety
• Early separation from parents
• Being part of a dysfunctional family
• Alcohol abuse
• Drug abuse

When to seek medical advice?

It's normal to undergo a wide range of feelings and emotions after a traumatic event. The feelings you experience may include fear and anxiety, a lackof focus, sadness, changes in sleeping or eating patterns, or bouts of crying that come easily. You may have recurrent thoughts or nightmares about the event. If you have these disturbing feelings for more than a month, if they're severe or if you feel you're having trouble getting your life back under control, consider seeing your doctor or a mental health professional.

Screening and diagnosis

Your doctor or mental health professional likely will ask you to describe the signs and symptoms you're experiencing — what they are, when they occur, how intense they are and how long they last. This will help your doctor or therapist learn more about your condition. Your doctor may also ask you to describe the event that triggered your symptoms to try to get a sense of how intense the event was and how it affected you. You may encounter some of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder after a traumatic event, but you may not necessarily have a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. Diagnosing the condition requires that the symptoms be present longer than one month.

Complications

Having post-traumatic stress disorder may place you at higher risk for:

• Depression, which has many of the same signs and symptoms as post-traumatic stress disorder
• Drug abuse
• Alcohol abuse
• Eating disorders
• Divorce

Treatment

Your doctor or a mental health professional may suggest a combination of medications and behavior therapy to treat post-traumatic stress disorder. The objectives of treatment are to reduce your emotional distress and the associated disturbances to your sleep and daily functioning, and to help you better cope with the event that triggered the disorder.

Coping skills

If distress caused by a past traumatic event persistently affects your life, seeing your doctor is a necessary first step along a course of professional treatment.

But you can take actions to help yourself cope:

• Follow your doctor's instructions carefully. Although it may take a while to feel the effects of therapy, hang in there. You'll be better off in the long run.
• Take care of yourself. Get enough rest, eat a balanced diet, exercise, and take time to relax. Avoid caffeine and nicotine, which can worsen anxiety. Don't turn to alcohol or un-prescribed drugs for relief.
• Break the cycle. When you feel anxious, take a brisk walk or delve into a hobby to refocus.
• Talk to someone. Share your problems with a friend or counselor who can help you gain perspective. Ask your doctor about support groups in your area for people who have post-traumatic stress disorder.

Recovery Takes Time

Survivors recover in stages.  They may start with one stage, go to another, and go back.  Each person processes the event his or her own way. 

PTSD symptoms usually appear within several weeks of the trauma, but some people don't experience symptoms until months, even years, later. PTSD can last six months for some people while others may experience symptoms for much longer. Again, it is important to understand that people respond differently to trauma. Some people will have a few problems, and these problems may go away without treatment. Others will need support and some kind of treatment before they can move forward with their lives. 

Here are some stages a survivor might go through:

1. Denial that the abuse had any effect on their lives. 
2. Fear it will happen again. 
3. Feel sad because of a loss of their ability to trust in people, or places. 
4. Anger at what happened. 
5. Anxiety over thenightmares or flashbacks that may intrude on the life of the survivor. 
6. Feel as if a part of themselves died during the abuse.

Survivors are not to blame for the crime
committed to them by another person.

We cannot control the actions of another person!  We can control what we do after we have been hurt.  We can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get help.  We can take care of ourselves.  We can take as much time as we need to recover and heal because the results have to last the rest of our lives!  

Take Care Of YOU!

Tags: abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, treatment, recovery, healing, hope

I Went To "Save" Aydan & Saved Me Instead ...

When Aydan's "other tricks" to control me quit working, he started to talk about suicide.  I had already wondered if a relationship with Aydan was worth all the trouble?  It wasn't fun being around someone who was always in a bad mood and always complaining about something ... boring work, stupid friends, demanding family, loud neighbors, dirty house, crummy truck, chronic aches and pains and me ...  

Nothing Aydan had been saying was making any sense.  One minute he'd be telling me he loved me and he wanted us to work things out and the next, he was saying he hated me and he wished I was dead ... or that he couldn't see me anymore until ... (the rest of that sentence changed daily because there was always a new demand).  I mostly tried to leave him alone, figuring he'd come to his senses, but he just seemed to get worse.  When his phone calls and emails starting including talk of suicide, I rolled my eyes at first, but each one got more and more serious.  I don't remember the exact words that compelled me to get involved, but I did ...

IF I HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN,
I WOULD HAVE JUST CALLED 911
AND REPORTED
THAT AYDAN HAD THREATENED SUICIDE AND
LET THE PROFESSIONALS DEAL WITH IT.   

I drove over to his house on a Sunday afternoon.  When I got there, Aydan came to the door looking awful.  His face was swollen, he had dark circles under his eyes, and hadn't bathed or shaved all weekend.  He said he had passed out.

We talked on the porch for a while until it got buggy.  He asked me inside.  His house stunk.  There were dirty dishes everywhere.  The garbage was full of beer cans and there was an empty liquor bottle on the table.  He offered me a beer, drank his and then drank "mine".  

We talked in circles, as usual.  Every time I tried to get back to talking about him, he'd change the subject.  He got more and more uncomfortable.  He seemed to be more interested in what was on TV and someone he was going to "meet" on theinternet... (He claimed to be talking commodities, but after the fact, I think now that he was meeting some woman.)  I told him I had taken enough of his time and I really should be going.  He stopped me from leaving by asking, "What do you want from me?" 

I said, "I just want some peace.  I can accept you not loving me anymore, but I wish you didn't have to hate me." 

That made him mad.  Peace?  How dare I ask for peace when I was abandoning him!  He wanted to hurt me so he said, "I just hate that you ruined my chances with the most beautiful woman in the world." (he was talking about an ex-stripper that he imagined to be interested in him ... he always threw her up in my face when he hoped to make me jealous). 

I said, "Oh, for goodness sake.  I've had enough of this nonsense.  We are both better than this.  You never cared about that woman and she never cared about you.  You can try pushing whatever buttons you want to.  They aren't going to work anymore.  Take it back, Aydan."  He smirked and said something even more hateful and I got up and faced him like I would a child and said, "Take that back!"  That infuriated him.  He jumped up and tried to pick me up and throw me out of his house.  I had gotten pretty good at "spinning out of his grip" and I said, "I don't have my shoes or my keys!  I'm not leaving until you take that back!"

Now, here's where I should have gotten my keys and shoes and left, but I still thought, at that moment, that we could talk it through, and at least, say good-bye in a nice way.  I was wrong.

Aydan went into the other room.  I thought he left to chill out, get a beer, put on a shirt, or go to the bathroom ... but never did I imagine that he went in the other room to load a shotgun!!!  My heart sank when I heard the sound of a shotgun being pumped in the kitchen.  He came around the corner with the gun and my first thought was, "Well, I believe I have just lost this argument!"

I was afraid to look up at him, afraid to confront him ...I did say, "Aw Aydan, put the gun away ..."  He was hollering and waving it around.  He showed me the gun, the chamber, the red shell, and through his spitting and red-faced screaming, he said first, that he was going to kill himself, second, that he was going to kill me and then himself, and finally that he was going to make me take him to Joey's house (my ex-husband and the man he imagined to be the source of our relationship problems) and kill him and then kill me.  I looked down and watched his movements from the corner of my eye, but when he said he wanted me to take him to Joey, I looked up.  The fact that I hadn't looked up when he threatened himself and me, but I looked up when he threatened Joey made him go NUTS!  He flew across the room and turned the barrel of the gun sideways against my throat.  Aydan was using the gun to push me against the back of the couch and the wall.  The gun was choking me so I put my hands up to push the barrel away.  Aydan almost smiled and said as calmly as that guy in "Natural Born Killers", "Careful, Darlin', your hand is close to the trigger and I wouldn't want you to shoot up my house or kill a neighbor!"  He seemed so calm and so evil, I started to cry.  I was sure, at that moment, that he was going to kill me. 

Aydan screamed, "DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?"  I whispered yes.  He screamed "I REPEAT. ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY?"  I whispered no.  He held the gun to my throat with his right hand and hit me with his left hand.  He screamed, "DID I JUST HIT YOU?"  I whispered yes.  He screamed, "DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?"  I whispered no.  He hollered "IS THIS LOVE TO YOU?"  I said louder and more firmly, NO SIR, IT IS NOT!

DID I JUST BRING A GUN IN THIS ROOM?

ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO JOEY? 

(He hit me)

DID I JUST HIT YOU?

DO YOU WANT MORE OF THIS?

IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?

I started to cry again.  I figured if I was going to die anyway, I may as well be praying when I go!  I started to pray out loud, "Lord, I just ask you to surround us with a legion of angels and protect us both.  I ask you to cover this house and everything in it with the blood of Jesus.  Please send your Spirit ..."  I thought about my kids, my grandkids, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters and ... and I thought about Joey.  If I was going to die anyway, NO WAY was I going to help Aydan kill anyone else!

Everything started to move in SLOW MOTION.  Aydan backed up a little bit, but he kept hollering.  I don't know what he said.  I was too scared.  I was thinking about my kids and wondering what would happen to them without me.  Aydan was waving the gun around and when the point of it seemed to be pointing at me I put my arm up and pushed it to the left or the right.  My arms were like lead.  I was afraid to move.  Every time I peeked at Aydan, his face was red with anger ... his eyes were bugged out and he was spitting all over the place when he hollered.  I couldn't believe this was "my Aydan" ... He acted like a man possessed!

At one point, I put my arm up to push the gun to the side and he grabbed my arm and pulled me up.  He told me to GET OUT.  I couldn't move!  I was afraid that if I turned my back on him, he would shoot me, because all the other times, he only hit me or pushed me when I turned my back on him.  I kept looking down.  I saw my shoes ... My keys were on the table. 

From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I totally got that my life was being threatened. Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself and I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... the lie that it was MY JOB to stop him from killing himself ... a thousand things passed through my mind until the one defining thought:   

WELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, TAYLOR, WAKE UP!  DO YOU DESERVE TO DIE ... BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY RIGHT NOW!  WAKE UP!!!   

I woke up!  It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time.  Of course, I saw his anger.  It was all over the place!  Maybe, I could run?  

Maybe it was my prayer?  Maybe, Aydan didn't really think he'd get away with killing me?  Maybe, for no other reason than even the worst storms end, he suddenly got quiet, backed off and emptied the shell or shells to the floor.  I thought the gun held five shells but I didn't know how many shells were in the gun or how many fell.  My ears were ringing.  I think I counted to five ... not five shells ... just to five ... and when I got to five, I slid my feet into my shoes, grabbed my keys and I ran!  I ran for my life!  I ran away from that bad guy! 

I got in my car and backed up the opposite way from what I usually did just in case he was behind me.  I drove out of his driveway so fast, I almost wrecked the car when I turned unto the main road.  I was crying so hard, I almost overshot the first stop sign and swerved off the road twice.

I kept going ... I was absolutely terrified.  I was afraid Aydan might follow me so I drove as fast as I could away from his house.  About 10 minutes down the road, my cell phone rang.  I nearly jumped out of my skin.  I flipped the phone open and saw it was him.  I hesitated and realized if he was on the phone from his house, he couldn't follow me, so I took the call. I was crying so hard, I couldn't talk and I couldn't make sense out of anything he was trying to say.  I over shot a turn and told myself I needed to get it together.  I snapped the phone closed, tossed it on the passenger seat and put both hands on the wheel. 

I needed to concentrate on the road.  I had driven this road a hundred times or more ... nothing new ... calm down ... I'm going to be okay ... calm down ... breath ... 

The phone rang again when I was on the Interstate.  I took the call.  It was Aydan again.  I listened to him and I cried.  I said I was sorry I had even come over that day.  I had wanted to find peace, but obviously, that wasn't ever going to happen!  He said he wanted me.  He said he wanted us to get through this.  He said he had too much anger and it scared him too.  He said he needed to get his head together.  He said he loved me and I cried.  I told him people don't hold guns on people they love.  He said he was sorry he had hurt me.  He didn't mean those things.  They weren't true.  I told him I was sorry that I had caused him so much hurt that a gun was the only way he could settle it.  I ended the conversation somewhere near my house.  I drove up to my house and realized I was a "sitting duck" if Aydan decided to come over so I left and drove around my neighborhood for hours.  I thought about what had happened, listened to music, and wondered what would happen to me?  At 2 or 3 in the morning, I was too tired to worry about much of anything anymore.  I drove by the house 3-4 times to make sure that no one was there and when I was pretty sure no one was, I drove up the driveway, parked the car, and let myself in the house.  I disarmed and armed the alarm system.  I was home.  I undressed in the dark.  I just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.  I'd worry about what to do tomorrow ... 

The next morning, I had an e-mail from Aydan:

"Nothing is right.  I am not happy.  You are not happy.  We both are too busy defying each other to appreciate each other.  I want things done without having to ask, and you do too.  I no longer trust you.  I no longer believe you.  I am sorry.  I can't see you this way.  Things that needed to happen didn't, and the things that shouldn't have happened did.  I am sorry.  It's all my fault.  Love, Aydan"

Later that day, I called an old friend of mine with the sheriff's office.  Heencouraged me to report Aydan.  I said, "That will just make him more angry!"  He said, "Well, maybe so, but he might get more angry anyway and law enforcement can't protect you if they don't know what's going on."  He asked me why I didn't go to the police the night before and I told him I was too scared.  I was embarrassed.  I didn't want to talk to a know-it-all rookie cop, fresh out of academy with no people skills ... He said, "Let me see who's at the desk and I'll call you back."  He called me back and told me to go talk to Jenson ... Jensen was a good guy.   

I packed some clothes ... some toiletries ... How hard can it be?  I couldn't do the simplest task!  I must have packed and repacked 3 or 4 times ... I loaded the car, got my dog and her stuff and headed out to a friend's, realizing that Aydan would be getting off work soon ... and I needed to be somewhere else before he got off work ...  

I called my friend and she went with me to the police station ... I filed the initial report.    Aydan was arrested and charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature.  When they gave him his one free phone call, he called me! 

"Hey, I'm at the jailhouse ... it's um ... (directions) ... and I'm going to need some help getting out.  I think I already told you I ain't got that kinda money ... and ah ... some people ain't got enough gas (money) to even go to church ... Remember?  That story? ... so ... Maybe I can contribute something to charity later if you get me out?  I appreciate it.  It's three in the morning ... uh ... I'll be processed within the hour (long pause) This is my only phone call.  Thank you."

Did he really think the person who had him arrested would come and bail him out?  Does that make any sense?  It didn't to me, but apparently, lots of women report their boyfriends, husbands or partners and a few hours later, they are exactly the same ones to go pick them up ... not me!  I didn't want Aydan to go to jail, but I was too afraid to go anywhere near him.    

He was ordered not totalk to me, as if a court order would stop him from doing what he wanted to do!  He had two of his friends call me.  They told me Aydan was beside himself with grief ... that he wanted all of this to be over with so he and I could get married!  What a lie!  I asked them WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  Give me a break.  A week before, Aydan had said he hated me and wished I was dead and now, he's telling his boss and his friends that he thought I was "the one" and he wanted us to "work everything out"?!!!  I've had some bizarre proposals and propositions before, but this one takes the cake!  I told them I wasn't the first woman Aydan had abused, but maybe, this would cause him to get some help and I might be the last?  I told them there wasn't anything I could do about a felony charge between the state and Aydan, and even if there was something I could do, I'm not sure I would.  Aydan had hurt me!  He scared the hell out of me with that gun!  I wanted Aydan to get help!

I just kept asking myself over and over again ... WHY?

 

 

THE BIG WHY???

Why did he think he needed a gun?
Is he hurting too?  Is he sorry?  Does it matter?  Would it change anything?  

THE ANSWER

What we are meant to know
will be revealed to us
without any effort on our part.
We are wise to trust the soul's timing
as well as it's methods
regarding such disclosures.

 

 

Now, I know that he went to get the gun because nothing else he did was getting my attention.  He was losing control over me and that IS a crime punishable bydeath, in his mind.  He considered me HIS property.  How dare I abandon him!  Who did I think I was? 

In fact, shades of that show in HIS description of that night.  He glosses over screaming at me, hitting me, holding the gun to my throat and threatening my life by saying that "he came into the room and handed me the gun and told me to shoot him or leave.  I chose to leave!"  He NEVER handed me that gun!  What a JOKE! 

Is he sorry?  NO. 

Did he just lose control?  NO.  He never let go of the gun once, and was in control enough to caution me that I could accidentally fire the gun and shoot a neighbor. 

Did he black out, as his friend suggested?  NO.  At no time did he lose consciousness. 

Were his actions calculated and planned?  NO, I didn't think so, but just yesterday, we read:
Typically, the abuser makes a choice about his/her violence before the incident ... choosing the place and time, deciding what fight to pick, how and which part of the body to hit. 
Could that be true?  Maybe?  Aydan had threatened "to shoot me if I ever ..." way before he walked in the room with the gun.  I never took it seriously.  Who could be serious about a thing like that?  At least, that's what I told myself back then.  Since then, I learned that Aydan has threatened other women with guns before ... Maybe, he was more calculating than I thought?

 

A game of cat and mouse
is much different
for the cat than it is for the mouse!

 

Have you ever called the police when things got too crazy?  Did you want him to go to jail or did you just want the abuse to stop?  Did you ever notice how calm he got as soon as the police got there?  Did you notice that no matter how bad it was, it only took him seconds to recover and blame the whole thingon you?

It wasn't my fault that I was abused!

It's not your fault that you were abused!

It never was.

Tags: abuse, domestic violence, threatened suicide, threatened to kill, shotgun, survival, recovery, healing